Whatever. I still prefer these to Saw sequels.

So, it was inevitable that we’d see another go around of suburban hauntings. What remains unseen is what will this film be about? Many are crying (dumbly) for the series to eschew its found footage approach and shoot it as a traditional film. Others are suggesting (dumbly) that the action center around a new family. We figured we’d help out and pitch these potential storylines for future films. Note to Oren Peli: If you’re interested, we’ll work cheap.

POTENTIAL SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON

Go Totally 90′s

If you take into account the clues already hinted at throughout the series, it’s likely the next film will follow Katie and Kristi into the 1990′s. It’s been referenced that the hauntings have happened throughout the sisters’ lives, most notably in 1988, 1992, and 2006. We’ve seen what happens in 1988 and 2006 which leaves the 1992 tapes as a missing piece to the puzzle. Here’s how they should approach it.

Eager to win the $100,000 prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos, Katie and Kristi have decided to tape every moment of their lives in the hopes that someone will fall in a hilarious fashion. But their efforts to meet Bob Saget prove misguided when strange paranormal occurrences begin to happen again.

The demon offers to help the girls win the prize money by hitting their mom’s boyfriend in the nuts with a softball while they film. But Kristi now knows better than to make any arrangements with a demon and refuses. To show how serious she is, she stops speaking to Toby and everyone else for months. This causes the demon to escalate his tormenting of the family and leads to many more creepy scares. The family bands together and flees the house, but the demon has planted several rakes which they all hilariously step on and hit themselves in the face. However, this tape is lost in the mail when it is sent to AFHV.

Show What Katie’s Up To Now

The biggest mystery of the series revolves around adult Katie. When we last saw her, she was possessed and had just kidnapped her daughter’s infant son. Fast forward to the present day. Katie is still in hiding with her nephew, Hunter. They pose as mother and son and live in a crappy Florida apartment complex when Toby the Demon finally tracks them down. Police (who are being followed by a reality television crew) respond to a neighbor’s call about a loud disturbance, finding and arresting Katie.

The news makes national headlines and Katie is subjected to cameras 24 hours a day between her cell and her televised trial. However it turns into a circus when the judge’s gavel and a bailiff are thrown across the room by an invisible force.

Kristi: The College Years

College is a time for experimentation and testing your boundaries, which means heavy drinking and sex. However, a lot of young people feel conflicted because they have boyfriends or girlfriends waiting for them back home. These relationships are typically forced to end as the newly found freedom and temptation prove too strong.

Now imagine that some girl’s ex is an invisible demon. Whichever film and video major that Kristi ends up with in college has a whole lot more to worry about than loud noises when Toby arrives to try to work things out with his child bride.

Focus On Grandma

There’s no doubt that Grandma Lois can answer all of the questions that surround the Paranormal Activity franchise. It’s time that a film give her some real screen time and help tie up the loose ends.

Just because she’s a rich witch doesn’t mean all her needs are met. A woman gets lonely sometimes and needs someone to help her feel young again. Enter Domingo, her live-in gigolo. In addition to the homemade porn tapes they make together, her boy-toy is also an aspiring actor. Therefore, he often spends his time videotaping monologues and audition tapes. One day, he stumbles across Lois’s secret and begins to explore the house along with his camera. What he finds puts him and the rest of his acting class in danger.

Give Hunter His Own Movie

To the best of anyone’s knowledge so far, the demon is after a first-born male for his soul. Would that mean that the demon feasts on the soul, or possesses the child? Either way, that could make for a terrifying creepy child twist on the series. Hunter is now a toddler and living with adoptive parents. Paranoid about the safety of their child, they send him to a daycare center that provides parents with piece of mind by setting a webcam in the room with all of the little students.

The demon sees the veritable buffet of young souls around him and begins throwing tables and slamming doors. He feeds off the fear that generates so that he can grow powerful enough to dine on them all.

However, one thing the demon didn’t anticipate is that the daycare provider is actually Detective John Kimble, an undercover cop trying to get a bead on the child of a ruthless drug dealer. Though people assume he has a tumor and has gone crazy, Kimble is certain that the strange activities are paranormal in nature, and he’ll will do whatever it takes to protect his class. In the final scenes, Kimble steals an enchanted sword that the coven has used to keep Toby under control. In a climatic battle on the edge of the daycare’s Hell Mouth (long story), Kimble plunges the sword through Toby’s chest. The demon loses his power of invisibility as it manifests just before dying. Kimble comments, “God, you’re ugly,” before kicking him into the Hell Mouth. Appeased with this sacrifice, the Hell Mouth seals itself shut.

Freed of the demon’s control, Hunter is reunited with his sister, Ali. And the police are all like, “Here. You raise him.”

Freddy Krueger

One of the most infamous villains in movie history, Freddy Krueger’s metier is haunting you while you sleep, invading your dreams, murdering you in your dream, and causing you to die in real life. It might be kind of tough to incarcerate him, since he’s deceased and all, and he’s already survived several Nightmare on Elm Street movies, including one rumble with Jason. But it’s indisputable that the streets would be a little safer with him locked away.

Count Orlok

Consider this nasty-looking cat a stand-in for every evil vampire in movies. After all, he came before Bela Lugosi’s Count Dracula, the shit-kicking vampires in Near Dark, and the shirtless glittery vampires in the Twilight movies. Unlike those guys, who use their vampire powers to make themselves suave and attractive, the undateable Count Orlok was proud to let his freak flag fly. He’s still a threat, though, as all powerful and bloodthirsty vampires tend to be. Lock ‘im up!

Unnamed Demon in Paranormal Activity

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the villain in a movie with “paranormal” right in the title. This guy’s crimes aren’t quite at the same large scale of the last two villains, but he could definitely benefit from some paranormal 3 hots and a cot all the same. And with the Paranormal Activity sequels becoming the next Saw series, this demon’s probably going to be on the warpath for years to come.

Pazuzu

The name might not be familiar to you, so here’s a refresher: It’s the demon who causes all that wacky mischief in The Exorcist and its assorted off-shoots. His crimes don’t need to be recounted here, but suffice it to say that taking the literal embodiment of evil into custody would be a notch on any law enforcement professional’s belt.

Lord Voldemort

Voldemort, as notorious paranormal villains go, is pretty dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that most in the paranormal law enforcement field are too afraid to even speak his name. Now, a lot of you are probably thinking that Voldemort was vanquished in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II, to which I say: ‘pffft.’ That guy’s probably hiding out in Brazil until the heat dies down. He needs to be caught, put in jail, and made to think about his actions.

Shot on a budget of 75 cents, the supernatural thriller takes on the world of exorcisms. The story centers around a woman who was always told her mother killed three people because she was a crazy bee-yotch. However, when she learns that the killings occurred during an exorcism she begins to investigate several unauthorized exorcisms in Italy. Naturally, she brings a camera crew along. Probably one that’s really good at shaking the camera during tense moments. (THR)

We’re sure there are lots of low-budget, “found footage” horror movies being made, angling to be the next Paranormal Activity. However, they’re all missing a key ingredient that Atrocious has in spades: a bunch of characters speaking Spanish! Get ready to be rocked out of your English-speaking comfort zone and into a world of having to read spooktitles (horror movie subtitles).

Atrocious is the directorial debut of Mexican filmmaker Fernando Barreda Luna, and it will premiere at Slamdance this month. Sound familiar? That’s because Paranormal Activity was the directorial debut of Israli filmmaker Oren Pell, and his film premiered at Slamdance, too. The coincidences are as eerie as a bunch of kids exploring a Mexican murder well! (Moviefone)

Both installments thus far have been critically acclaimed, so the question of where the series goes for the third installment is on the minds of fans. While the default sentiment is that the studio will continue the story of the characters introduced in the first and second episodes, many believe that in order to prevent stale, familiar characters, the studio may go to a prequel the third time out, shedding some light on the history of the family and their macabre hijinks. Paramount has slated the film for an October 21, 2011 release date. Just in time for Halloween. Duh.

Regardless of the direction the producers take the third Paranormal Activity, one thing’s certain: if you watch a DVD screener of this franchise, it will lock you in your house, no matter how powerful you are in Hollywood.

_{Alien abductions and big explosions: together at last!}

Director Michael Bay is teaming with Paramount Pictures to produce Bobby Glickert’s upcoming alien film, tentativly titled Confidential Alien Project (don’t let them screw with that title, Bobby). While Glickert has directed a few horror shorts, this will be his first full-length feature. Insiders are comparing the film to both Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity, which is a nice way of saying it’s cheap. Considering Paramount is hoping to keep the budget at around $12 million, that seems to be the case.

Deadline is reporting that Bay’s production company, Platinum Dunes, is currently shopping for writers, so if anyone knows a lot of synonyms for "Kaboom," send your resume here.

Like everyone else in America, I’ve always had to endure the boastful claims of the state of Texas. From the "Don’t Mess with Texas" slogan to awful Dallas Cowboys fans to the "Steers and Queers" line in Full Metal Jacket, Texans always seem to walk around like their poo-poos don’t stink. Well guess what, Tex; you’re not so tough after all!

Cinemark has pulled the trailer for Paramount’s "Paranormal Activity 2" from several theaters in Texas after receiving numerous complaints that the promo was "too" frightening.

Well look at the scared little state of Texas pissing itself in the corner over a cheesy horror movie trailer. Pathetic. Why don’t you run home to your "Friday Night Lights" and your "Austin City Limits," ya pansies! (Variety)

The trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 has hit the web, and it looks like one scary sonuvabitch, let me tell you!

Actually, the first movie looked scary. Obviously it’s too soon to tell, but based on the trailer, this one just looks like more of the same. When you beat a dead horse, it loses the scary. Unless, of course, the dead horse stands up and starts biting people, like in my new screenplay, Equine Apocalypse.

It reminds me of when I was a child and my little brother scared the hell out of me by banging on my bedroom window at 2:00 am. When he did it every night for the next five years, it wasn’t scary any more, it was just annoying. Wait a minute…I don’t have a little brother! OH MY GOD!

Watch the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 after the jump.

Dread Central has alerted us to Jim Wynorski’s Para-Knocker’s Activity. Yes, the Spielberg of Boob Cinema is taking on the ghost genre and giving it a kinky edge. Filming is slated to begin right after Halloween (presumably because Halloween props will be marked down). Look for it this Spring at the Cans Film Festival.