YES. YES. YES.

I wish they made a movie about their internship at MySpace, where Vince Vaughn gets stabbed by a vagrant residing in a cardboard box in the company’s old foosball annex.

I would like to do the same but instead of birds, I’d go in search of McRib.

Cars 2 is about the world of international superspy cars. While Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is in a race, Mater (Larry the Cable Guy the Voice Actor) gets mistaken for an undercover spy. Finn McMissle (Michael Caine) and Holly Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) take Mater along on their mission assuming all the way that the dumb tow truck act is his cover.

New ‘Cars 2′ Trailer Ends With A Douche

Okay, bad creative decision #1: Making Cars a spy movie. The whole point of Cars 1 was to slow down and appreciate life. Now it’s a busy generic caper. Bad creative decision #2: Cars with guns. Something about this feels wrong to me. It’s not exciting, for one. Also once you put guns on cars, they’re not even really cars anymore. They’re toys and gadgets but less of a story, and much less of a movie.

Lightning becomes the B story to all this nonsense. You hardly see him race at all! Of course he doesn’t believe Mater’s spy stories so they argue and Lightning makes Mater feel bad and then Lightning feels bad for making Mater feel bad. They tack on this message of friendship but it’s got no heart.

3 photosI Wish 'Cars 2' Looked As Awesome As Its Poster Art

The plot that ties Lightning’s race to the spies is ridiculous too. Miles Axlerod (Eddie Izzard) is testing out his new alternative fuel via this international race. The villains are oil drillers who want to sabotage the clean alternative fuel. Bad creative decision #3: Political message in a Pixar movie. I know it’s all environmentally conscious to support alternative fuel, but come on. This is not the way to educate kids on driving a hybrid.

The pseudo-foreign locations look great, especially a Tokyo of cars. The Monte Carlo and London settings look nice too, though you lose so much color in the 3D version. Along with those artistic visions come immature cultural stereotypes too. Japan is full of fast talking anime characters on video screens.

Cars 2 is the most childish Pixar movie too. There are so many pee and poop jokes and car farts. It’s still lowbrow even if you call it leaking oil. Mater basically gets off in a Japanese bidet. It’s fine if kids like this but they’ll outgrow it. They like Toy Story and Up too but they keep watching them and buying the new special editions every time they re-release.

The short before the film is a Toy Story short, which is also silly but it has more inspired jokes than Cars 2. At least the “Toy Story Toon” helps me deal with Toy Story 3. I don’t have to accept that as the final word on Buzz and Woody, because we could always see them again in short form.

From what I can tell, this trailer does have some new footage in it. So if you’ve been clamoring for a few extra scraps from the Cars 2 table, you’re welcome. You only have a month and a half left to wait for the whole thing, since the movie is coming out on June 24th. Memorize the date. Or, you know, don’t.

Gil (Owen Wilson) is a frustrated writer, successful in Hollywood but he really wants to be a novelist. Yes, another whiny, self-loathing writer character. He’s in Paris with his wife Inez (Rachel McAdams) planning their wedding. When the clock strikes twelve, Gil is able to visit the past and meet famous literary and artistic figures.

It’s a good idea, modern day Woody Allen surrogate hanging out with highbrow pop culture figures. They just don’t make any jokes. Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll) has tough love wisdom but it’s not funny. Zelda Fitzgerald (Alison Pill) is an oversensitive lush and F. Scott (Tom Hiddleston) is so modest it’s hard to get much out of his appearance. Maybe if I paid more attention in high school English I’d get it.

‘Midnight In Paris’ Trailer: Now It’s Owen Wilson’s Turn To Imitate Woody Allen

The real story is that Gil falls for Adriana (Marion Cotillard) in the past. She’s one of Pablo Picasso’s lovers, but of course the temperamental artist doesn’t appreciate her like modern day romanticist Gil. It’s not quite as typical as the usual older man/younger muse relationship Allen loves to write about, and there’s also nothing moving about it.

Don’t cry for Inez though. She’s pretty awful in the typical “why are they together in the first place” way of romantic comedies. She only does what she wants and even complains if gifts aren’t to her liking. Gil just babbles to try to keep her satisfied, and there’s no wi buried in those frantic rants.

The only payoff for Gil’s trips to the past are when he’s able to tell off a know-it-all snob who keeps lecturing the group about art. Otherwise, Gil just makes excuses to explain why he’s out all night. He gives artists their own ideas, since he’s from the future and knows the great works they haven’t written yet. You know, like Marvin Berry in Back to the Future.

The ultimate point about our obsession with so-called Golden Ages is obvious, and Gil still babbles his way to that conclusion. Midnight in Paris may be a love letter to Woody Allen’s favorite era and its greatest artists, but it’s superficial and dull.

One of those unlucky Super Hell projects is the remake of 1947′s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty starring Danny Kaye. Over the years, Fox’s proposed reboot has collected more comedian interest than a hot asian girl at a stand-up club wearing a tight Ghostbusters t-shirt. Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, Mike Myers, Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen have all circled around the title role at one point. Now add Ben Stiller to the list.

After writer Steve Conrad penned a completely new version of the remake script, Stiller expressed interest. With Stiller on-board, Fox will scramble for a “cinematic director,” hoping to get the cameras rolling this Fall. Walter Mitty is based on a famous James Thurber short story about a mild-mannered daydreamer who imagines himself in heroic situations. I suspect this new version will contain more fart jokes in those daydreams than in any previous adaptation. (Deadline)

In the film, Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams play a young, engaged couple spending time in Paris. Wilson’s character develops a fondness for wandering alone around the City Of Lights. He then finds that he prefers to do that over spending time with Rachel McAdams. See what I mean? That’s less believable than Sleeper.

Now, in this poster for Woddy Allen’s latest, Midnight in Paris, there are no cool cars of any kind and Vin Diesel is literally NOWHERE on the poster. In fact, the only person on this poster is Owen Wilson, who has been proven by scientists to be the exact opposite of Vin Diesel. Also, you’ll notice a pretty strong Starry Night motif in the sky. As best I can tell in the Fast 5 poster, there are zero nods or references to Van Gogh paintings. However, if you should see one, please put it in the comments. In fact, the only thing these movies have in common is my desire never to see either one. (Playlist)

I went into Hall Pass thinking I’d have to accept the stereotype and appreciate what comedy could be mined from it, if any. Personally, I don’t have a desire to not be in a committed relationship. But, I know there’s this public fantasy about getting a free pass, so that could be funny. The film actually has a clever perspective and good values.

Rick (Owen Wilson) and Fred (Jason Sudeikis) are married men in a rut, or two separate ruts to be accurate. Rick’s wife Maggie (Jenna Fischer) hears about hall pass from her friend Dr. Lucy (Joy Behar). It’s actually designed to make the men appreciate their wives when they inevitably try and fail to seduce young hotties.

Already this is a pro-relationship movie. It’s manipulative but the idea is to reinforce the value on monogamy. The misguided intention of that is funnier than any bickering opposites attract rom-com. Rick doesn’t want the pass. I’m with that. Fred’s more eager when his wife Grace (Christina Applegate) follows suit but you know he’s going to learn his lesson. Sudeikis is the ultimate comedy buddy. He’s the perfect instigator but never obnoxious.

The big joke is not to have a raucous wife-free party, but rather that these guys are total posers. Just the introduction of “Day 1” is hilarious. Then the delays and the setbacks take up half the week. The film doesn’t overstay the premise. They do the joke and then cut to the next development. Old guys get tired, boom. They suck at the bar scene, boom. The guys who want that party fantasy may be disappointed, but it speaks to me.

The group of friends is really funny. Flats (J.B. Smove), Gary (Stephen Merchant), and Hog-Head (Larry Joe Campbell) make a classic group of funny companions, even though they unfortunately disappear halfway through. The plot kicks in a little with Rick’s real prospect, Leigh (Nicky Whelan), but it’s always on point. These guys get into hilarious trouble trying to cash in their hall pass.

This is the Farrelly Brothers’ best movie since There’s Something About Mary. I know, I know, even better than Stuck on You. They’re more subdued here. It’s not about crushing pussy or penises stuck in zippers. The penises here are tame compared to Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Walk Hard. Fake chow funny because it makes sense (I’m opposed to it, ladies, but I get why it exists.) Jerking off illustrates the mature feelings of a married man. The joke is the reactions to it, not a cum shot. Okay, there are two poop scenes but the first is somewhere I’ve never seen it before, and the second is earned with character.

It’s not golden era Farrellys like Kingpin but it’s good. Fischer and Applegate have thankless parts. They’re really the cutaways to have the serious relationship talk. They give some counterpoint to what’s going on with the guys, but it’s not funny or perceptive.

There are two scenes where characters’ embarrassing conversations are caught by surveillance. That’s redundant and not that funny either time.

Hall Pass is the first real comedy of the year. It’s worth staying for the credits for another scene with Gary and Hog-Head. There’s a blooper near the end of the credits that’s not great but it pays off the jerking off joke. And there’s a final blooper and dedication which you should also stay for, because come on, you’ve already gotten to music credits. Honestly, after The Dilemma The Eagle Unknown Just Go With It, Never Say Never and all the January movies I didn’t see, it’s relief.

But just because they’re raunchy, doesn’t mean they’re funny. Also strange that Owen Wilson only has about four lines in this trailer with most of the attention going to Jason Sudeikis‘s take on a role that typically goes to Dan Fogler. I’ll have to wait until we see the film before officially calling the time of death on the Farrelly’s comedy skills but I’m prepping our 40 oz’s for sip-pouring all the same. (IGN)

Anyway, the movie has a typically Woody Allen cast full of standouts, including Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard,  Kathy Bates, Adrien Brody, and a cameo appearance the wife of the President of France, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. I hope she speaks English and knows how to pronounce “Dostoevsky,” otherwise she’s doomed to fail in a Woody Allen movie. (via Deadline)

Meant to mimic the way cars spin in car shows, I think anthropomorphizing the cars makes this YouTube outing feel a little creepy. Especially because they’re turning slowly and there’s no music. No distractions. Just you and the car. Imagine getting inside Holley Shiftwell, clutching her, driving her insane as you press firmly on her… brakes?

And not coincidentally, I’m putting the breaks on this line of thinking.

Cars 2 zooms into theaters June 24th and features the voices of Owen Wilson, Larry the Lovable Cable Guy and Michael Caine. (Collider)

The studio’s Planet of the Apes origin story, Rise of the Apes, is moving from June 24th to November 23rd. That makes sense, because Thanksgiving reminds us about how we took over this land from the Native Americans, so it makes karmic sense that we’d see a movie about apes taking over the world from us. Shame us with a big screen analogy, Fox!

Meanwhile, Fox must have a lot of faith in the Jim Carrey comedy Mr. Popper’s Penguins. They’re moving it from August 12th (the Baltic Avenue of summer movie spots) to June 17th (pure Boardwalk, baby). Let’s hope Carry’s penguins don’t… slip up!

Do you get that joke? It’s a joke about penguins being slippery.

Other notable mentions from Fox’s new calendar:

- The Sitter, a new “R”-rated Jonah Hill comedy, gets bumped from July 15th to August 5th. (Ouch.)

- What’s Your Number?, a new “R”-rated Anna Faris comedy, got moved from April 29th to September 30th. (Meee-ouch!)

- The Big Year, starring Jack Black, Steve Martin and Owen Wilson as bird-watchers, officially has my attention starting Oct. 15th. (Deadline)

Sony Pictures Classics is also interested in the latest documentary from Super Size Me McAuteur Morgan Spurlock, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. It appears to be kind of a documentary-about-a-documentary depicting Spurlock’s attempts to get sponsors for his movie, etc. Expect a fun moral about the evils of advertising and corporate sponsorship. Spurlock himself recently told The Hollywood Reporter: “Everywhere you look it seems like something’s being brought to you by some sponsor or some corporation. So we said, ‘Why not make a doc that looks at that and have the brands actually pay for it?’” Brought to you by Toyota! (IndieWire)

Woody always shows up at the right time.

Apparently there was a rumor going around Twitter today that Owen Wilson had tragically pulled a Sonny Bono in Switzerland. I must not follow @gullible. The whole ordeal stemmed from a fabricated story on the site Global Associated News:

“The actor & novice snowboarder was vacationing at the Zermatt ski resort in Zermatt, Switzerland with family and friends. Witnesses indicate that Owen Wilson lost control of his snowboard and struck a tree at a high rate of speed. Owen Wilson was air lifted by ski patrol teams to a local hospital, however, it is believed that the actor died instantly from the impact of the crash. The actor was wearing a helmet at the time of the accident and drugs and alcohol do not appear to have played any part in his death.“

Very funny, pranksters, but the real joke here is the improper use of the ampersand in the first sentence. I guess if we can’t expect people to know the difference between a “&” and an “and” in current writing styles we can’t expect them to discern between reality and poppycock. Anyway, Owen Wilson is very much alive, as is Charlie Sheen AND Adam Sandler, who also had death rumors circulating this past holiday weekend. This could all change soon though, as Charlie Sheen is bound to get out of bed. (TheWrap)

I still like James L. Brooks movies. He lost most people after Spanglish so they probably won’t like How Do You Know either, but I appreciate a romantic comedy where people talk about what’s actually going on. To me that’s smart.

Lisa (Reese Witherspoon) is a star baseball player cut from the USA team. She moves in with Matty (Owen Wilson), a womanizing MLB player. George (Paul Rudd) is a businessman getting in trouble with the government (they explained all the details and it’s as convoluted as real business, so it’s probably accurate). His father Charles (Jack Nicholson), who put George in charge, tries to manage the scandal in his “Jack” kind of way.

Doesn’t sound like a whole lot, because it’s just a movie about people relating to each other. Lisa and George just meet each other at bad moments in their lives and that makes the time spent interesting. There’s no constructed encounter where polar opposites have to work together.

Lisa is definitely a woman written by a man. She’s so in touch with her feelings, she articulates exactly where she is in a given moment to make good decisions. She even tells herself to be honest with herself while making mistakes so at least she gets a takeaway from the experience. Brooks forgot to take away reason and accountability this time.

George and Lisa ordering drinks reveals each characters’ perspective. She doesn’t need the crutch and her frustration totally stops his neurosis. Just don’t indulge it. George still does indulge and keeps announcing he has a thought throughout the movie. Thankfully, this is a movie where empty words don’t work. He’s got to get to a real place.

Other than George, it feels like people are talking to try to communicate, not just to announce how they’re feeling. After sex with Matty, Lisa is actually evaluating where she stands with him. She asks him to be more specific, because he’s just being generally positive. When she discovers his stash of new toothbrushes and womens’ sweat suits in all sizes (sweet move, by the way), she realizes Matty is a player. However, he makes a good point. If he’d put out one and hid the rest, would that make him a great guy? (Still no. He shouldn’t expect women of any size to stay over. That’s the wrong kind of thoughtful.)

The dialogue is still heightened where everyone is just a bit more clever and articulate than we actually are. Lisa tells Matty, “You have all the signs of a handful.” It’s a lot of sports metaphors, but those work. Lisa’s Coach Sally (Molly Price) advises her, “You fight low self-esteem, don’t give it the wheel.” Dramatic, but good advice.

It’s still ironic and sarcastic too. One of Matty’s teammates says, “I think I’m in love when I wear a condom with the other girls.” George toasts “to people who make toasts” and reveals, “I was a bartender when I was working my way through bartending.” During a fight, Matty says, “I’m not going to ask where you’ve been, but I get points for that, right?” Well, Matty, if you don’t get points with Lisa, you still get points with me.

Director: James L. Brooks

Cast: Owen Wilson Paul Rudd, Reese Withersoon

Synopsis: Feeling a bit past her prime at 27, former athlete Lisa Jorgenson finds herself in the middle of a love triangle, as a corporate guy in crisis competes with Lisa’s current, baseball-playing beau.

Release Date: December 17, 2010

Hall Pass checks into theaters February 25, 2011.

Daaaaamn, De Niro. You look gooooooood. In these new Little Fockers character one-sheets, all signs of aging have been Photoshopped away from the stars’ faces. Notice how Robert De Niro doesn’t have any lines on his forehead. Even newborns have those. The guy is 67-years-old. Leave some lines on there so he doesn’t look like a cyborg! I’m surprised they didn’t airbrush his mole off while they were at it. It’s a huge deterrent for audiences. Why would anyone want to see a movie full of actors with imperfections? I’ll stay home and watch "Gossip Girl," thank you very much.

Check out Ben Stiller’s creepy, wrinkle-free skin after the jump…

(Variety)

Back in February we reported that Justin Theroux was spending some time at Fashion Week in Paris doing research for his gig writing and directing the Zoolander sequel. It appears he’s had his fill of brie-stuffed croissants and scantily clad models, and is back in The States collaborating with Ben Stiller. At least, that’s what Stiller said via his Twitter account.

The question is, can you really trust the lead actor and executive producer on the film? And the answer to that question is yes. So for now, Zoolander 2 is moving along swimmingly with Jonah Hill still being eyed for the villain. No word yet if Owen Wilson will reprise his roll as Hansel, but Stiller has gone on record saying that the sequel couldn’t be made without him. I assume that is due to Wilson being such an integral part of the Zoolander world, not because he has a penchant for spitefully burning down film sets. (/Film)

_{Early test screening reaction.}

Universal Pictures has dropped a new international trailer for Little Fockers. The boner stabbings from the U.S. trailer have been replaced with references to The Godfather and Jaws, and of course, vomiting. So this movie has Viagra jokes, puke jokes, overused film references jokes, bleeding all over people jokes, and Jessica Alba. One out of five ain’t bad. Still no sign of Dustin Hoffman shoe-horned in to up the zany antics. Maybe after viewing this trailer he’ll agree to a pity cameo.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Little Fockers — Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

_{Don’t EVER sit next to Jack Nicholson.}

James L. Brooks is back with another dramedy. This time he’s got Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, and Reese Witherspoon in his bullpen for a good ol’ fashioned sports-centric love triangle. Businessman Rudd goes up against baseball player Wilson for the hand and pointy chin of Witherspoon, who as luck would have it just got out of a long-term relationship. Sounds like conflict! Jack Nicholson also stars as what seems like Rudd’s deliverer of bad news. Hey, if you gotta hear bad news, who better to tell you than Jack Nicholson? …If Gary Busey is stuck in a tree. 

Check out the trailer below and let me know what you think. Is it more As Good As It Gets or more Spanglish?

How Do You Know Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

I chose the most suggestive picture I could snap for Universal’s Little Fockers trailer, and it doesn’t even get across the actual horror that unfolds in the scene. The Paul Weitz-directed threequel to the Meet the Parents blockbuster stars Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Teri Polo, Owen Wilson, Blythe Danner, Jessica Alba, Laura Dern, Harvey Keitel, Barbra Streisand, and Dustin Hoffman. You can practically smell the money wafting off the screen. There’s even a turkey carving joke involving someone’s thumb. I won’t tell you who, but he plays the neurotic klutz in all of these films. And most of the other films he does.

Little Fockers starts raking it in at the holiday box office December 22, 2010.

Check out the trailer and full synopsis below. 

Little Fockers Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

In HD at Apple.

It has taken 10 years, two little Fockers with wife Pam (Polo) and countless hurdles for Greg to finally get “in” with his tightly wound father-in-law, Jack. After the cash-strapped dad takes a job moonlighting for a drug company, however, Jack’s suspicions about his favorite male nurse come roaring back. When Greg and Pam’s entire clan—including Pam’s lovelorn ex, Kevin (Owen Wilson)—descends for the twins’ birthday party, Greg must prove to the skeptical Jack that he’s fully capable as the man of the house. But with all the misunderstandings, spying and covert missions, will Greg pass Jack’s final test and become the family’s next patriarch…or will the circle of trust be broken for good?

_{They’re dogs…and they’re dancing!}

If you like talking dogs and the above picture doesn’t terrify you then the new trailer for Marmaduke might just be your cup of tea. The film features a ton of talent including Owen Wilson at Marmaduke, Lee Pace, Judy Greer, William H. Macy, Fergie, George Lopez, and Kiefer Sutherland. How is this the first time that Keifer Sutherland has played a Rottweiler? The man was practically born to voice that creature. …And drink. …And fight. He was born to voice a dog, drink, and fight. **cue Donald Sutherland facepalm**

Hey kids, check out the Marmaduke trailer after the jump!

Marmaduke Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

The Farrell Brothers have been busy rounding out the cast of Hall Pass, the comedy where Owen Wilson is allowed to rub his genitals against any woman he wants with zero wifely consequences for one week. The cast currently consists of Wilson, Jenna Fischer, Jason Sudeikis, Amanda Bynes, J.B. Smoove, and Stephen Merchant.

This morning comes news of the alluring actresses who will play the pontential recipients of the genital-rubbing. Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano, Vanessa Angel, and Nicky Whelan have all inked deals to swell Wilson and Sudeikis’s pants. If the Farrellys are hoping to attract the lucrative demographic of dumpy girls with low self-esteem, they’re going about it the wrong way. (THR)

Finally, the douchebags on MTV’s Next will have some fresh quotes from a popular movie that they try to pass off as their own. It’s been announced that Tropic Thunder and Iron Man 2 scribe Justin Theroux will write and direct a follow-up to Zoolander. In fact, Theroux is heading to Fashion Week in Paris to "immerse himself on what is current in fashion." He’s absolutely NOT going for the wild parties, hot women, and mini-croissants stuffed with brie. Just in case you heard that was the real reason.

Jonah Hill is in talks to play the villian and Owen Wilson will hopefully reprise his role as Hansel, though he has yet to commit. But Luke Wilson wanted me to mention that he’s available, and will work for mini-croissants stuffed with anything. (Deadline Hollywood)

We’ve reported previously about the Farrell Brothers upcoming Hall Pass. It’s the comedy that stars Owen Wilson as a man given a pass by his wife, Jenna Fischer,  to pursue extra-marital ass-tappings for one week. Now there’s word that child actor turned tappable-ass Amanda Bynes has joined the cast. Possibly as a young ass that will be granted tapping amnesty.

That could be good but I’ve got an axe to grind with Bynes. She’s one of those girls (Kaley Cuoco is another offender) who made goofy faces during their recent Maxim shoots. It’s confusing for the penis. I hope she doesn’t do that in bed. Like, all of a sudden she’s winking at you while you’re in the throws. She’s definitely on my list and had better clean her act up if she wants to be on my other list. (Variety)

Before they move forward with their now back-on Three Stooges movie, the Farrell Brothers will make Hall Pass with Owen Wilson their next project. Wilson stars as a man who has been given a one-week pass from his wife to sleep with any woman he wants. SNL‘s Jason Sudeikis stars as his best friend because Rob Corddry and Dan Fogler were otherwise indisposed. The film will follow their misadventures as they try to crush ass.

Between this and Vince Vaughn’s new project, why are there so many movies about getting some strange lately? Is it because of Tiger Woods?? Is Hollywood now only accepting pitches that align with Twitter trend topics?

Anyway, the movie sounds like it could be a return to form for the once hilarious Farrellys. But mostly it just sounds like season four of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

^{"I’m around town."}

(via THR)

Cast: Owen Wilson

Synopsis: Centers on a married couple who find themselves in a lull in their marriage and just going through the motions. The wife then gives her husband a "hall pass," a free ticket to engage in extramarital encounters.