Anne Hathaway and James Franco have been roundly panned for their performance at last night’s Academy Award ceremony. And while I hate to jump on the snarky anti-Oscar bandwagon, the fact remains that last night’s broadcast sucked more than one of Charlie Sheen’s house guests. For a show that was supposed to appeal to a younger audience, it sure did rely heavily on comedic cliches, and that’s coming from a guy who just made a Charlie Sheen joke. But what it lacked in originality it more than made up for in geriatrics. If that sounds exciting, you’re going to love the seven most miserable moments of the 83rd Academy Awards.

Moms and Grandmas

Hey look, Anne Hathaway’s mom is in the audience, and so is James Franco’s grandmother. Isn’t that adorable? Sure, I suppose it is, if you’re a 60-year old woman. Otherwise, watching a celebrity’s family reunion is about as exciting as watching a Staten Island children’s choir.

Kirk Douglas

I was happy to see Kirk Douglas alive and kicking. He’s a living legend who commands respect. But he’s also a 94-year-old stroke victim. This isn’t “Harrison Bergeron.” Maybe it wasn’t the best idea in the world to have him speak for a prolonged period. It would be one thing if he was accepting a lifetime achievement award. In that situation, you let the man talk as long as he wants. But watching him present an award was just painful, and would have killed the show’s momentum if there had been any. Next year, why not have Michael J. Fox hold the boom mic?

James Franco In Drag

Putting a man in drag is the comedic equivalent of shrugging your shoulders and saying “f*ck it.” Honestly, what could be more uninspired. This is the Oscars, not Big Momma’s House III. They had a year to come up with this shit.

Anne Hathaway In Anything

James Franco was bad. Anne Hathaway was worse. I wanted to like her, I really did. But she was awful. You could make the argument that at least she was trying, as compared to Franco who seemed to be phoning it in. But in this situation, less was more. Maybe that’s not fair, but neither was having to sit through Anne singing that stupid song about Hugh Jackman. Jesus Christ, I think Whoopi Goldberg might have been more entertaining, and I’m not talking about when she hosted the Oscars. I’m talking about her role in the 1995 comedy, Theodore Rex.

Melissa Leo Drops the F-Bomb

I don’t mind foul language. In fact, I fucking love it. But this is the Oscars. Millions of people are watching, including children. Do I think a bunch of brats hearing an F-Bomb or two are going to instantly turn into juvenile delinquents? No. But Melissa Leo’s use of the word during her rambling acceptance speech was pointless. If you’re going to break out the big guns in a situation like the Oscars, it should at least be funny or clever. Leo was neither, and it just came across as desperate. Besides, if she wanted to go that route, fuck is played out. She should have told the audience she would C U Next Tuesday.

Billy Crystal Makes Me Miss Billy Crystal

For years, I hated Billy Crystal’s trite, predictable Oscar routines. But seeing him last night in the middle of such a sub-par show made me nostalgic for his bland musical numbers. I’m not sure if this is the result of Hathaway and Franco’s failure, or the fact that I’m slowly becoming my parents. Either way, it made me very, very sad.

The Singing School Kids

Maybe I’m just a soulless bastard, but what the hell was the point of bringing in the childrens choir to end the show? Were they cute? I guess, if you’re a woman or a pedophile. But so what. Why not just end the show with stream of puppies and kittens being released onto the stage. Actually, that’s an awesome idea. It would have been a lot more enjoyable than some brats from Staten Island.

Best Feature: Black Swan

Best Female Lead: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Male Lead: James Franco, 127 Hours

Best Supporting Female: Dale Dickey, Winter’s Bone

Best Supporting Male: John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

Best Director: Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan

Interesting stuff — we’ll see if these three movies can do anywhere near as well at the Oscars, given that they have so much more competition. You can get a complete list of all the winners over at IMDb.

Another reason the BAFTA nominations didn’t make much noise is the fact that they never really do. They have an (understandable) tendency to pile on the praise for native Brits, so much so that they even have a two categories strictly for Brits. I mean, the Oscars are certainly ethnocentric to America, but we don’t explicitly say it. That’s just tacky.

A third reason that the BAFTA noms aren’t shaking the earth today is that they’re not very interesting. It hasn’t exactly been an awards season rife with surprises. In fact, the only snub on this list that’s immediately apparent is the exclusion of The Fighter for True Grit. So as much as the Brits like to praise their own, they clearly HATE CHRISTIAN BALE. (Except that the nominated him for Best Supporting Actor. So perhaps they are CONFLICTED ABOUT CHRISTIAN BALE.)

Here’s a full list of the nominees. It’s no big departure from any other list you’ve seen in the past few months, but enjoy the last category, where, for reasons indeterminate, they try to sneak in an award for teeny-boppers. Very droll, Britain. Very droll, indeed. Cheerio.

BEST FILM
Black Swan — Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver, Scott Franklin
Inception — Emma Thomas, Christopher Nolan
The King’s Speech — Iain Canning, Emile Sherman, Gareth Unwin
The Social Network — Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca, Céan Chaffin
True Grit — Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
127 Hours — Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy, Christian Colson, John Smithson
Another Year — Mike Leigh, Georgina Lowe
Four Lions — Chris Morris, Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain, Mark Herbert, Derrin Schlesinger
The King’s Speech — Tom Hooper, David Seidler, Iain Canning, Emile Sherman, Gareth Unwin
Made in Dagenham — Nigel Cole, William Ivory, Elizabeth Karlsen, Stephen Woolley

OUTSTANDING DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER
The Arbor — Director, Producer — Clio Barnard, Tracy O’Riordan
Exit Through the Gift Shop — Director, Producer — Banksy, Jaimie D’Cruz
Four Lions — Director/Writer — Chris Morris
Monsters — Director/Writer — Gareth Edwards
Skeletons — Director/Writer — Nick Whitfield

DIRECTOR
127 Hours — Danny Boyle
Black Swan — Darren Aronofsky
Inception — Christopher Nolan
The King’s Speech — Tom Hooper
The Social Network — David Fincher

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Black Swan — Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
The Fighter – Scott Silver Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson
Inception — Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right — Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg
The King’s Speech — David Seidler

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
127 Hours — Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Rasmus Heisterberg, Nikolaj Arcel
The Social Network — Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3 — Michael Arndt
True Grit — Joel Coen, Ethan Coen

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Biutiful — Alejandro González Iñárritu, Jon Kilik, Fernando Bovaira
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo — Søren Stærmose, Niels Arden Oplev
I Am Love — Luca Guadagnino, Francesco Melzi D’Eril, Marco Morabito, Massimiliano Violante
Of Gods and Men — Xavier Beauvois
The Secret in their Eyes — Mariela Besuievsky, Juan José Campanella

ANIMATED FILM
Despicable Me — Chris Renaud, Pierre Coffin
How to Train Your Dragon — Chris Sanders, Dean DeBlois
Toy Story 3 — Lee Unkrich

LEADING ACTOR
Jarvier Bardem — Biutiful
Jeff Bridges — True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg — The Social Network
Colin Firth — The King’s Speech
James Franco — 127 Hours

LEADING ACTRESS
Annette Bening — The Kids Are All Right
Julianne Moore — The Kids Are All Right
Natalie Portman — Black Swan
Noomi Rapace — The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hailee Steinfeld — True Grit

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Andrew Garfield — The Social Network
Pete Postlethwaite — The Town
Mark Ruffalo — The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush — The King’s Speech

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams — The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter — The King’s Speech
Barbara Hershey — Black Swan
Lesley Manville — Another Year
Miranda Richardson — Made in Dagenham

ORIGINAL MUSIC
127 Hours — AR Rahman
Alice in Wonderland — Danny Elfman
How to Train Your Dragon — John Powell
Inception — Hans Zimmer
The King’s Speech — Alexandre Desplat

CINEMATOGRAPHY
127 Hours — Anthony Dod Mantle, Enrique Chediak
Black Swan — Matthew Libatique
Inception — Wally Pfister
The King’s Speech – Danny Cohen
True Grit — Roger Deakins

EDITING
127 Hours – Jon Harris
Black Swan — Andrew Weisblum
Inception — Lee Smith
The King’s Speech — Tariq Anwar
The Social Network — Angus Wall, Kirk Baxter

PRODUCTION DESIGN
Alice in Wonderland — Robert Stromberg, Karen O’Hara
Black Swan — Thérèse DePrez, Tora Peterson
Inception — Guy Hendrix Dyas, Larry Dias, Doug Mowat
The King’s Speech — Eve Stewart, Judy Farr
True Grit — Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh

COSTUME DESIGN
Alice in Wonderland — Colleen Atwood
Black Swan — Amy Westcott
The King’s Speech — Jenny Beavan
Made in Dagenham — Louise Stjernsward
True Grit — Mary Zophres

SOUND
127 Hours — Glenn Freemantle, Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, Steven C Laneri, Douglas Cameron
Black Swan — Ken Ishii, Craig Henighan, Dominick Tavella
Inception — Richard King, Lora Hirschberg, Gary A Rizzo, Ed Novick
The King’s Speech — John Midgley, Lee Walpole, Paul Hamblin
True Grit — Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff, Peter F Kurland, Douglas Axtell

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
Alice in Wonderland — Nominees TBC
Black Swan — Dan Schrecker
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Tim Burke, John Richardson, Nicolas Ait’Hadi, Christian Manz
Inception — Chris Corbould, Paul Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Peter Bebb
Toy Story 3 — Nominees TBC

MAKE UP & HAIR
Alice in Wonderland — Nominees TBC
Black Swan — Judy Chin, Geordie Sheffer
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Amanda Knight, Lisa Tomblin
The King’s Speech — Frances Hannon
Made in Dagenham — Lizzie Yianni Georgiou

SHORT ANIMATION
The Eagleman Stag — Michael Please
Matter Fisher — David Prosser
Thursday — Matthias Hoegg

SHORT FILM
Connect — Samuel Abrahams, Beau Gordon
Lin — Piers Thompson, Simon Hessel
Rite — Michael Pearce, Ross McKenzie
Turning — Karni Arieli, Saul Freed, Alison Sterling, Kat Armour-Brown
Until the River Runs Red — Paul Wright, Poss Kondeatis

ORANGE WEDNESDAYS RISING AWARD
Gemma Arterton
Andrew Garfield
Tom Hardy
Aaron Johnson
Emma Stone

Wheeeeew, did you guys catch that Oscar thing last night?! What a thing that was, huh? Not so much? Well if you didn’t read along with our live blog while you were watching I can understand why you might not have had any fun. But hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t read it now and laugh your head off from the nostalgia. Last night will be a night we’ll all remember for a VERY long time. Wait, a woman won something right?

Check out the winners here, and read our "hilarious" live blog below!

We firmly believe that the Oscars would benefit from adding a few wild-card categories every year. You know, mix it up. Keep it fresh. Here are a few possibilities, including  nominees. If you have more, post them in the comments section. And don’t forget to follow our Oscar liveblog HERE starting 8pm Eastern, 5pm Pacific this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Sunday.

Best Alien Performance

• Neytiri – "Avatar"
• Gallaxhar – "Monsters vs. Aliens"
• Nero – "Star Trek"
• Chrisopher Johnson – "District 9"
• Lil Wayne – "The Carter"

Best Abusive Parent

• Mo’Nique – "Precious"
• Dylan Walsh – "The Stepfather"
• Sheri Moon Zombie – "Halloween II"
• Robin Williams – "World’s Greatest Dad"
• Any Parent Who Took Their Kids To See "Old Dogs"

Best Actress Who Has Made Out With Peter Sarsgaard

• Carrie Mulligan – "An Education"
• Vera Farmiga – "Orphan"
• Maggie Gyllenhaal – "Crazy Heart"

Best Direction By A Total Fox

• Kathryn Bigelow – "The Hurt Locker"
• Kathryn Bigelow – "Point Break"
• Kathryn Bigelow – "Near Dark"
• Kathryn Bigelow – "Strange Days"
• George Clooney – "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind"

Best Film You Don’t Care About

• "Ajami" – Israel
• "The Milk of Sorrow" – Peru
• "A Prophet" – France
• "The Secret in Their Eyes" – Argentina
• "The White Ribbon" – Germany

Best Murdered Elderly Person

• The Comedian – "Watchmen"
• Sheriff Jim Burke – "My Bloody Valentine"
• Eytukan – "Avatar"
• Charles Muntz – "Up"
  

Best Performance By An Australian Playing An America

• Sam Worthington – "Avatar"
• Nicole Kidman – "Nine"
• Russell Crowe – "State of Play"
• Guy Pierce – "The Hurt Locker"
• Eric Bana – "The Time Traveler’s Wife"

Best Performance By George Clooney As Himself

• George Clooney – "Up In The Air"
• George Clooney – "Ocean’s Eleven"
• George Clooney – "Ocean’s Twelve"
• George Clooney – "Ocean’s Thirteen"
• George Clooney – "Out of Sight"

Best Performance By A Pair Of Tig Ol’ Bitties

• Helen Mirren – "The Last Station"
• Kevin James – "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
• Jamal Woolard – "Notorious"
• Christina Hendricks – "Mad Men" (who gives a sh*t if it’s TV)

Best Direction By A Crazy Person

• James Cameron – "Avatar"
• Quentin Tarantino – "Inglourious Basterds"
• Lee Daniels – "Precious"
• Werner Herzog – "The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans"
• Troy Duffy – "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day"

Best Heath Ledger Impersonation

• Johnny Depp – "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"
• Jude Law – "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"
• Colin Farrell – "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"
• Spike Jonze – Banging Michelle Williams

Best Shakey Cinematography

• Barry Ackroyd – "The Hurt Locker"
• Oren Peli – "Paranormal Activity"
• Dean Semler – "2012"
• Trent Opalach – "District 9"

Best Use of Lesbianism As A Marketing Ploy

• "Jennifer’s Body"
• "Women in Trouble"
• "Bitch Slap"
• "Sorority Row"
• "Whip It"

Best Performance By A Messed-Up Eye

• Forest Whitaker – "Power Blue"
• Lenny Kravitz – "Precious"
• Mel Jones – "Coraline"

Best Performance By Penélope Cruz In A Film Where We Can’t Understand What She’s Babbling