While speaking at the Toronto film festival to promote his new film, Trespass, Cage recounted the bizarre ordeal involving a stranger, a penis, and America’s favorite stick-based chocolate ice-cream snack.

“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed,” he told reporters on Wednesday.

“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.”

That hilarious/horrifying story did have a happy ending in which Cage talked the man out of the house and decided not to press charges after learning the intruder was mentally ill. However, as a result of the incident, the actor says he was unable to feel safe in the home ever again. Luckily, he had other options, like his mansion in the Bahamas and that god damn castle he used to own.

(Reuters)

Unless you are lucky enough to get your hands on an out of print or VHS copy, the only way to view these films is to steal them outright via digital piracy. Obviously, we don’t condone breaking the law, but if you want to watch a movie about Nic Cage catching leprosy (more on that later), sometimes you have to take drastic measures. If these films were available to purchase, that would be a different story. But since Hollywood chooses to keep them off the shelves, you can’t be held responsible*. With that in mind, here are five films Hollywood makes us steal.

* Note, you can and will be held responsible.

The Siege of Firebase Gloria (1989)

Anyone with even the slightest interest in cinema remembers R. Lee Ermey’s famous role in Stanley Kubrick‘s Full Metal Jacket. But this was not his only stint in a Vietnam War movie. Ermey also has a major role in The Siege of Firebase Gloria, a film that follows the exploits of a group of marines as they try to hold an outpost under attack by the Viet Cong. Although the film has some devoted fans (including Quentin Tarantino), you’ll have no luck finding it on DVD.

Fright Night II (1988)

Sequels don’t usually live up to their originals. I’ve never seen Fright Night II, so I can’t say one way or the the other. Chances are I won’t get the chance to see it, unless I illegally download it. Of course, I could go and buy a copy of the now out-of-print DVD on eBay. But considering the price is around $100 (depending on the auction) I think I’ll just go ahead and break the law. (Thanks for the tip, Mike Gavern).

Let It Be (1970)

Beatles fans would love a chance to own Let It Be on DVD. After all, the documentary chronicles what turned out to be the making of the band’s last studio album. But with no DVD release in sight, you’ll simply have to buy a used VHS copy. Don’t worry. I saw one on Amazon for only $300.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar (1977)

Looking for Mr. Goodbar? Keep looking. Although it is widely considered a classic, this film about the sexual awakening of a mild-mannered schoolteacher (Diane Keaton) is out of print, with no plans for a release on DVD or Blu-ray. To add further insult to injury, copies of Something’s Gotta Give abound, proving there’s no justice in this world, even when Diane Keaton is involved.

A Time to Kill (Tempo di uccidere) (1990)

Not to be confused with the racially-charged Matthew McConaughey legal thriller, this Italian film stars Nicolas cage as an soldier involved in Mussolini’s invasion of Ethiopia. I could try to write up a funny little description, but I don’t think I can top what I found on Wikipedia…

Lieutenant Silvestri suffers a toothache and decides to reach the nearest camp hospital. En route to the dentist his vehicle has an accident, and stops near a rock. Silvestri continues by walking. On his way, he meets and rapes a young Ethiopian woman. Despite this, he and the Ethiopian fall for each other. While taking refuge in a cave Silvestri shoots at a wild animal, but the bullet ricochets and hits the woman. Silvestri continues to the dentist. Upon reaching the hospital, he reads a medical book, leading him to believe he has leprosy. As he tries to escape from Ethiopia, Silvestri must evade his former comrades and reach his wife in Italy.

Rape? Toothaches? Leprosy? This film has it all. Unfortunately, if you want to see this overlooked Cage masterpiece, you’ll have to download a copy (which might be damn near impossible), or track down an old version being sold online. (Thanks to Ross McDermott for these suggestions).

Here’s the twist – they’re both retired thieves. So if you think that they’re going to recover Cage’s daughter without drawing upon some good ole’ fashioned thievin’ skills…then you just don’t know movies very well.

Simon West will be directing, having worked with Cage before in his debut, a quirky little thinkpiece called Con Air. Filming starts in New Orleans in March, with no release dates specified just yet.

Not content with just featuring walking Internet meme Nicholas Cage in their film, the producers of Drive Angry have found a new way to get your attention, should you be one of those people that has found a way to tune out all things Cage-related.

That new way is a “motion poster,” which acts as an embeddable video/image hybrid. It’s probably not anything you’d want to look at longer than you would a traditional static poster, but seeing as how it’s new, it should be good for some novelty value initially. So if you’re one of those people that complains that a Amber Heard‘s hair isn’t moving in a poster, or flames aren’t flickering, then this is your Woodstock. Just make sure to close the window when you’re done taking in all the motion-glory, as the repetitive sounds of flames burning is pretty damn annoying.

It’s safe to say that this is gimmicky enough to only be a viable marketing ploy for action or kids movies, but don’t rule out this being used to show some girl taking her top off should those American Pie movies ever emerge from straight-to-DVD hell. (Vulture)

Nic Cage has been the subject of countless Internet memes, and it’s easy to see why. Although he’s a very talented actor, he often ends up in roles that are what the French call “le Shitty.” Part of this is due to his nature. As Roger Ebert says of Cage, “He’s daring and fearless in his choice of roles, and unafraid to crawl out on a limb, saw it off and remain suspended in air.” However, at the present time, Cage’s anything goes approach might have more to do with the fact that he pissed away a fortune, and is in a desperate pinch for cash. Fearlessness explains Adaptation and Raising Arizona. As for Season of the Witch, which currently boasts a 4% favorable rating on Rotten Tomatoes.com; not so much.

When an actor does that many shitty movies, it lends itself to Internet mockery. After all, who could watch this clip from The Wicker Man remake without laughing…

I have never seen the film, so I can’t be sure. But I’d like to imagine that a scene where a man is tortured by bees might not be so comical within the overall context of the film. Regardless of the particular scene’s merit, it’s just one of countless examples. For example, who can forget “My hair is a bird”….

Or the entire site dedicated to depicting Nic Cage as everyone…

But on Monday, I was subjected to two Nic Cage montage videos: The Evolution of Nic Cage’s Hair and The Nic Cage Song.

Neither video was that bad, but they were both a far cry from Nicholas Cage Losing His Shit. In fact, it almost seems as if the Cage memes are starting to jump the shark. Seeing two on the same day caused me to stop and wonder what the hell is going on? What is the Internet’s sick obsession with Nic Cage? Why him? Why now? Why not someone else? Surely there are other actors who are more deserving of our collective scorn. I know that not all of these videos and memes are necessarily negative, but even so, it’s beginning to feel like a pile on. Why the obsession?

Why not Gary Busey? He’s clearly more insane than Nic. Sure, Gary gets ripped on all the time, but not with the same intensity and dedication. What about Randy Quiad? That crazy bastard is in Canada hiding from the “Hollywood Star Whackers.” That’s 100% crazier than anything that Nic Cage has ever done, and Cage once at a live cockroach! What about Charlie Sheen? When he’s not spouting off September 11th conspiracy theories, he’s locking hookers in hotel bathrooms and having coke orgies with porn stars in Vegas. Surely that warrants a montage or two.

The only explanation I can come up with is that despite all the mockery, deep down, we all love Nic Cage. While many actors come and go, Nic Cage is there year after year churning out movie after movie. Sure, a lot of his films are shit, but deep down we take comfort in knowing he’s out there. He’s a constant in our ever changing lives. He’s a friend, a brother, and perhaps to some, a secret lover. Plus, he used to do shoorms with his cat.