The new average price across the country is about $8.12, up from $7.89 a year ago. The big news to me isn’t the increase, but the fact that there are places in this great country that must be charging about $.72/ticket take the NY and LA averages down to a place under $10.

Unfortunately, the effect might be even more profound than it seems, as the premium associated with 3D films has dwindled with fewer films in that medium, so regular ticket prices must have jumped even higher to make up for the dearth of premium ticket sales.

However, when The Expendables 2 comes out, it will all be worth it. Wait. Has The Expendables 2 come out yet? I seriously have no idea.

Hence, “possible lungs.” Works for me.

On 8:30 PM Sunday, Los Angeles police were notified of the possible lungs by a definite citizen who was probably expecting a lung-free stroll on a lovely summer night. The police have taken the possible lungs in for tests to see if they’re a) ACTUAL lungs, and b) human.

I don’t know what the test is to determine if something is a lung, but I’m guessing it involves a new cadet poking them with a stick, then taking big breaths and feelings his own chest to determine if the things he feels feel like they could look like the thing he just poked.

As of press time, the lungs remain possible, LA County Sheriff’s Department Sgt. Robert Dean summed it up nicely.

“It’s really weird.”

Yeah.

(L.A. Times)

In an incident that proves that LA celebrities, in this case, a musician, are just like regular people all over America, Arune Kavaliauskaite was arrested for allegedly trying to run over a park worker after he had asked her repeatedly to leash her dog in a park near Pasadena.

As the worker tried to take a picture of the license plate of the car belonging to Arune, lead singer of Arune & Alternatives (If you haven’t heard of them yet, you will!!!), she did the neighborly thing and attempted to run him over and kill him.

Unsurprisingly, Arune’s car was a white Mustang convertible, the exact same white Mustang convertible that all the slightly overweight slutty girls in college drive. Way to keep good company, Arune!

She was arrested at her home and released on $30,000 bail, which is probably more money than she will make in the next two years or so.

Hooray for Hollywood!

Note: I could link to her YouTube video here, but won’t because it’s only got like 250 views, and I think that’s pretty funny and want it to stay that way.

Finally, someone has the balls to nail those Muppet bastards right to the wall and expose them for the filthy leftists they are. In a recent segment, Fox News decried the latest Muppet movie for depicting a wealthy oilman as a villain, thereby indoctrinating a generation of children into the Marxist movement. First they take Manhattan, then they take Berlin.

Here’s a few of my favorite quotes from this hard-hitting news segment:

“The only thing green that should be up on that screen should be Kermit the Frog.”

BURN!

(Kids) have been indoctrinated for years by this kind of stuff.

No argument here. I’ve been sucking dick ever since I heard The Rainbow Connection at age 6.

“You wonder why we’ve got a bunch of Occupy Wall Street people walking around all around the country.”

In all fairness, the OWS people (if you consider them “people”) were doing a lot more sitting in one place than they were walking. And now that I think about it, have you ever seen Oscar the Grouch walk? Coincidence?

“I just wish liberals could leave little kids alone.”

God damn liberals like Jerry Sandusky need to stay away from my kids!

“They should have…the evil person be the Obama administration?”

Good idea, but I’m not very comfortable with my child being exposed to a black Muppet.

“Over the years they’ve gotten more liberal.”

Have you ever seen a picture of Jim Henson? He’s a god damn pinko if I’ve ever seen one.

Of course, to keep things fair and balanced, Fox’s token leftist straw man (who in this case, was a woman named Caroline Heldman) came in to confirm the grand Muppet conspiracy.

“You call it brainwashing, I call this education. It’s a shame they couldn’t have put up a financial services tycoon.”

Smooth move, Caroline. You blew the whole thing. Here’s a tip for anyone being asked to come on Fox News to stick up for a Democratic cause: If they’re asking you, it’s because you’re stupid. Don’t go (or do, I don’t care).

But perhaps the most insulting part of the whole segment is the fact that host Eric Bolling lifted a quote from Adam Carolla’s recent (and kind of awesome) anti-Occupy Wall Street rant.

Carolla’s rant:

It used to be, back in the day, father’d be walking his son down the sidewalk and you’d see a guy go by in a Rolls Royce and the father would say, “There goes Mr. Jenkins. Look up to him. That guy works hard. That guy built a company. That guy built an empire. Now look at him. He’s got his Rolls Royce.” Now it’s like, “Oh! Look at him. Does he need that car? Why does he need that car?”

Eric Bolling’s quote:

I remember when I was a little kid, we were poor, we were dead broke, in fact, and my parents would see someone wealthy driving by and be like, “See that guy, he started a business, he worked hard, you can be like that.” Not pointing the finger at Tex Richamn and saying “he’s a bad guy.”

If you want to bitch about Occupy Wall Street, more power to you. But at least be original (says the guy who just stole an article idea from Vulture).

Well it works!

In 2010, Jesse Dimmick broke into a Topeka, Kansas house while on the run from the law. He held the couple hostage at knifepoint while formulating an escape plan. Presumably to kill some time, the homeowners fed Dimmick Dr. Pepper and Cheetos while popping in everyone’s favorite movie of all time ever, Patch Adams, in which Robin Williams plays a doctor who learns the healing power of laughter.

Predictably, Dimmick fell asleep, the couple escaped, called the cops, and the cops apprehended the captor after shooting him in the back. However, Dimmick is now suing the couple for breach of contract in that they had promised to hide him from the cops in exchange for money.

I would like to know who Mr. Dimmick’s civil attorney is, because I make fun of movies for a living, and even I know that if a contract calls for illegal action, then it’s unenforceable. I would shift the suit to “infliction of emotional distress via exhibition of a film in which Robin Williams plays an insufferable man-child.” That would be like money in the bank.

Over the past few years, Mr. Rooney has submitted a hand full of unsolicited film reviews to our site. Not being a site that looks a gift horse in the mouth, we eagerly accepted the reviews, which were delivered via Western Union. Sure, maybe his writings didn’t make the most sense, but neither does Rex Reed, and he’s 20 years younger than Rooney.

At any rate, in honor of his retirement, click the images below to read Andy’s reviews.

So long, Andy, and thanks.

Click Here For Andy Rooney’s Review Of ‘Bruno’…

Click Here For Andy Rooney’s Review Of’Fast And Furious‘…

-Go over to your friend’s house and find him deceased (if he’s not deceased, leave and try different friends until you get lucky).

-Now that you have your corpse, round up another friend.

-Snag the dearly departed’s credit card and hit the bars.

-Also, bring the dead guy around with you.

Well, that’s what two Denver rad party dudes did.

Prosecutors have charged Robert Jeffrey Young, 43, and Mark Rubinson, 25, with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

The men found their friend Jeffrey Jarrett unresponsive at his house late on Aug. 27, before loading him into Rubinson’s car and taking him to a local bar and grill, where they drank on his tab.

They then went to another bar, before returning Jarrett’s body to his home and continuing their night out using their dead friend’s ATM card to withdraw money. On their way home, they flagged down a cop and told him they thought their friend was dead at his house.

Neither Young nor Rubinson has been charged with Jarrett’s death, the cause of which is still to be determined.

At any rate, I’m sure it’s all just one big misunderstanding. They seem like pretty trustworthy chuckleheads.

(via Fox News)

Here are seven movie rednecks that Grace would have an opinion about. If these stories were actually true, she wouldn’t have time to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Karl Childers, Sling Blade

A mentally-handicapped man, a crime of passion, and the state-run facility that released him to kill again. A story like this could feed the Grace children for years on end.

Max Cady, Cape Fear

During a 14 year prison term, violent rapist Max Cady took the opportunity to learn what letters mean and discovered that his public defender intentionally withheld information that could have exonerated him. Upon release, he stalks the public defender and terrorizes his family before kidnapping and attempting to kill them. So sorry, Nancy. No murders here. But on the bright side, there’s still a rape. That’s pretty good, right?

Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer, Thelma & Louise

Now we’re talking. Rape, murder, robbery, an explosion, manhunts, and a police chase resulting in death. Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

Is that a tropical storm in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Blindfolds, bickering, shackles, mounds of snow, and serious daddy issues. All things you might find in Pamela Anderson’s bedroom. Your TV preview begins now!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Network: Spike TV
Time: 9PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Ahh, Return of the Jedi. The final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Go back to a more simple time before George Lucas took your childhood and dunked it in the shitter flushing repeatedly. I’ll take Ewoks over that pod race anyday.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Bear goes to the Arctic Circle to hunt wild reindeer. Nice try Grylls. We all know that you’re secretly hunting Santa. You keep out of that workshop, you hear me? Those toys are for ALL OF US.

CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the opener for Season 5, the wizard is shackled and buried alive in a transparent coffin beneath ice and snow. I’ve heard of being buried beneath snow. And I’ve heard of being buried beneath ice. But never the two together. Consider my mind freaked!

Today beginning at 9:30 a.m. PST, 12:30 p.m. EST Hulu will live stream Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service. Stevie Wonder, Al Sharpton, Brooke Shields, Smokey Robinson, Berry Gordy, Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson, and John Mayer amongst others will be appearing as eulogizers. I only hope that Mayer knows this is the wrong venue to try out his stand-up material. [via The Business Insider]

The U.S. Embassy has confirmed the death of Kung Fu and Kill Bill star David Carradine. The 72 year old actor was discovered early Thursday morning in his Bangkok hotel room. Currently there are conflicting reports concerning the cause of death. Screen Junkies would like to offer our sincere condolences to all of David’s loved ones.

Less depressing morning news…

Eminem was implicit! (Cinema Blend)

Bruno put a lady in a wheelchair. (Reuters)

Short Circuit remake grabs a Robot Chicken scribe. (Empire)

Prison Break‘s T-Bag joins Heroes. (THR)

Winona Ryder is totes cray-cray. (The Playlist)

The marketing for HBO’s True Blood has always had a cool way of re-imagining popular culture with a vampiric twist. For instance, their beverage billboards from last summer that blurred the line between faux and legit. Now in honor of the show’s upcoming second season, they’ve launched BloodCopy.com; a website that sinks its teeth into juicy vampire gossip. It’s like Gawker but less evil.

Look at these other morning tidbits…

The Final Destination poster is pretty sweet. (UGO)

The Hangover 2 is not yet guaranteed. (The Playlist)

$70 Zombie Movie looks like it cost at least $80. (io9)

Land Of The Lost pics. (Cinema Blend)

Behind the scenes of Halloween 2, the newest one. (Dread Central)