If you weren’t celebrating with friends, this would have been the only acceptable countdown to watch on TV.

So, raise a glass to JBJ. Without him, Young Guns wouldn’t have been nearly as awesome.

Jon Bon Jovi: THE ACTOR

Before you can celebrate the theatrical works of Jon Bon Jovi, you need to understand what brought him to the silver screen. You see, as this random British guy explains, Jon Bon Jovi always saw himself as a musician with no ambitions outside of that. Why should he become an actor? Then the whole Napster thing happened, and Bon Jovi eagerly jumped into a film career. They leave that last part out.

Cry_Wolf

Proving he’s not just good looks and amazing talent, Jon Bon Jovi effortlessly loses himself in the role of Mr. Walker, the attractive journalism professor. But is there more going on here? He’s been known to bed a female student or two, but is he also the campus’s crazed killer who is death-bedding them? I won’t spoil the outcome of this IMPORTANT FILM, but it probably goes without saying that this killer is wanted… dead or alive. The plot of Cry_Wolf is as twisty as a highway road that’s slippery when wet.

Pucked

Bon Jovi shows considerable range by playing a loser in National Lampoon’s Pucked. His character, Frank, is a former lawyer who can’t get his act together. When he receives a credit card in the mail, he quickly runs a bill of $300,000 by fulfilling his lifelong dream of creating an all woman’s hockey team. Then the evil credit card company, who can’t understand somebody just wanting to chase their dreams, takes Frank to court. With a little bit of support from a chubby version of Estella Warren, he finds the confidence he needs to defend himself and clear his debt. It also stars David Faustino.

Anyway, I use intuition and a cynical outlook to go ahead and rank them anyway.

Merry Christmas. Not Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas.

9. Just Go With It

I managed to catch about 15 minutes of this film without sound because the person on a Virgin flight in the row in front of me was watching it. Not only did I dislike the film, but I was tempted to ask Virgin for a fare refund or future credit for putting that piece of crap in my eyeline.

Adam Sandler is a plastic surgeon courting Brooklyn Decker. He tells some needlessly complex lie about being married that would only occur in a romantic comedy, then hatches some scheme to have Jennifer Aniston pretend to be his wife while a whole mess of people go to Hawaii where the shit presumably hits the fan.

I’m comfortable putting this in last place if only for the trite title and premise that Brooklyn Decker would date this schlub anywhere but in a romantic comedy.

8. No Strings Attached/Friends With Benefits

I’m lumping these together because I don’t see what the difference could be. Each film features a star of Black Swan (Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis) trying to be fuck buddies with two guys who seem nice, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck in an elevator with (Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake). I saw Friends with Benefits, and it includes a rap scene set to Kriss Kross’ “Jump” and several nods to flash mobs. I have no reason to believe that No Strings Attached is any different or better.

In case you were wondering what male actors I WOULD like to be stuck in an elevator with: Charlie Day, Louie CK, Patrick Warburton, and the kid that plays Joffrey on Game of Thrones.

7. From Prada to Nada

This isn’t even my favorite romantic comedy with “Prada” in the title. It stars Alexa Vega, Camille Belle, Wilmer Valderrama. I don’t know anything about any of these actors other than their names all sound like diseases. In this film, two spoiled Mexican sisters lose everything and have to live in the ghetto where they find love, gain perspective, realize the hollowness of materialism, etc.

While the final screenplay is months away, we found the following rough treatment, supposedly written by Marshall and Fugate, on the Internet. Is it real? We think so. Take a look and decide for yourself.

Hilary Swank plays Nikki Foster, the blushing bride. This is a day she has dreamed of forever (as told through sepia-toned flashbacks to when she was a kid and playing with Barbies in her room, creating wedding scenarios with various other toys. The husband toy is a Ninja Turtle, but which turtle remains to be determined.)

Her groom is Howard (Howie) Sharts, played by Ashton Kutcher. Howie loves Nikki, but is having issues with the idea that he will be off the market. As told in sepia-toned flashbacks, Howie has always had it easy when getting ladies, even going as far as kissing his third-grade math teacher! He jokes about having feelings for that teacher still. YOU’LL SEE!

Nikki’s Maid-of-Honor is played by Selena Gomez, a young intern at the talent agency she manages. She’s zany and out there, but loving. But, she is worried Nikki isn’t going to get her dream wedding because of their family.

The family is so crazy!

Foster’s parents are played by Marshall and a famous old lady, hopefully Meryl Streep. If not her, then Fergie and we’ll just add some young-bride jokes. It’ll be hilarious. We might just do that. Anyway, they’re uber religious which is upsetting to the Sharts: Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino! They are a fun-loving old gay couple. Will their alternative lifestyle ruin the wedding? WHO KNOWS! (We do, but we’re holding it in.)

The Best Man is none other than Justin Bieber. He is going to this wedding in full hook-up mode. (Do you see a Bieber/Gomez duet at the reception? BECAUSE WE DO! Ahhhhhhh-dorable.)

Nikki’s boss, Barry Face, is also thinking of attending. He is played by Axel Rose. He doesn’t know if he wants to attend because he’s had feelings for Nikki in the past. Nikki has even thought about going along with those feelings, but stops due to her love for Howie. Barry’s wife is played by Queen Latifah. She is a crazy lady who is always trying to raise the roof. It’ll be hilarious. (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: I like how she is black but not too black, you know?)

Nikki’s old high school BFF is also attending. This is Rachel, played by Jessica Biel. She wanted to fly but due to her husband’s fear of flying, cannot. They have to roadtrip it across country. And who is her husband? Kanye West! They have fun along the way, but also have hard times and stuff. Do they make it? Who knows? Do they come back together at the end when Latifah joins the Bieber/Gomez duet? Wink!

Shart’s friends are also coming! His buddy from college, Dillon Dong (that name will always be funny!) played by Jamie Foxx, is super excited to make it. But he’s worried about his wife’s condition. She is pregnant, not with one kid, BUT WITH SEVEN! (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: That’s a lot of oreos!) The wife is played by Abigail Breslin

The florist of the wedding is crazy! This part is played by Katherine Heigl. You guys, she’s really crazy. Like, she gets all upset when things aren’t correct. She’s always worried about the weather that day, trying to always get the most up-to-date news from Kris Humphries, the local TV Weather Man! He is really laid back and just loves clouds. They have a hateful relationship, but as you know, a flower can grow from “Dung.” HAHAHAHA. (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: HAHAHA).

The rest of Nikki’s wedding party is played by the girls from Glee. Will they sing? You never know! (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: Yes.)

Sharts’ wedding party isn’t as big. Just his best man and Kyle Hurffs, played by Taylor Lautner. Kyle is shy and reserved. He is always looking for love in all the wrong places. He wonders if maybe the love of his life will be at the wedding.

And maybe it is, as Lilly Collins, played by Kathy Bates.

Meanwhile, the priest for the wedding is doubting his faith. Father Patrick McIrishname, played by George Lopez, is wondering if God even exists. This worries Sharts, who is wondering if love exists! How can they help each other?

They can help each other by talking to a Jewish Rabbi played by Ludacris! Luda is a Jew with a smooth attitude (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: Have him do a dance at the wedding called the Dreidel Cradle, where he sticks his legs out, jumps, and spins.)

Then there are the caterers! Sammy and Danny, played by Lady Gaga and Andy Serkis (who will actually be CGI in the movie, done through motion capture technology by Andy Serkis). They are always fighting about what kind of food to make. Sammy wants crazy! Danny wants elegant. These two really hate each other. But will they f*ck? Nope, they’re siblings! Crazy, right?

Everyone makes it to the wedding. It’s five minutes until Sharts is suppose to go to the alter, but something happens: his third-grade math teacher Mr. Taints played by Rip Torn! Sharts doesn’t know if he wants to have a gay life with him, or a straight life with Nikki. He is torn inside. That’s when Father McIrishname enters and tells Sharts that he needs to follow his heart.

Sharts thinks about it, gives his Mr. Taints a hug and says, “Sorry. But my love for Nikki can’t be subtracted.” Father McIrishname then sees Jesus giving him a thumbs up from the alter. Jesus is to be played by Tim Allen.

Then they get married and everyone is happy. Also, Breslin’s babies are delivered on the dance floor and the movie ends with everyone sliding around, laughing and having fun.

I can’t find humor to bridge the gap between me, a 31 year-old male film blogger, and this film. There’s no connection here. It’s not like they even created this movie for women. It’s like they created it with the expressed purpose of ensuring that no man, not a one, would pay to see it.

Here’s how I saw the pitch meeting going:

Exec #1: Well, the source material, the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting will really resonate with women in their child bearing years, and probably older women who look back upon their pregnancies with fondness. But what about men aged 18-49?

Exec #2: FUCK MEN AGED 18-49!

Exec #1: Yes, of course.

From the simpletons who (probably) brought you I Don’t Know How She Does It comes this film, an examination of female paradigms who:

• Dance with the stars
• Get hormonal
• Enjoy their larger breasts
• Adopt African babies (OMG! So cute!)

And the shithead men that apparently can’t find their dicks with both hands.

Further lending credence to the theory that if you can’t tell one compelling story in a film, use an ensemble to tell six and the women will get confused and default to empty smiles.

See also:

• Love Actually 
• Valentine’s Day
• New Year’s Eve
• He’s Just Not That Into You

That’s all for now.

Oh, before I forget, Chris Rock, Thomas Lennon, Rob Huebel? Can you guys hang back? I would like to have a word with you.

In this movie, average people are extremely concerned about the status of the ball in Times Square, low-level city employees are allowed to give impassioned speeches on national television, and men give up three-way sex romps to be with Sarah Jessica Parker. What planet is this supposed to be?

Granted, it’s a romantic comedy, so suspension of disbelief is a must. And to be fair, I’m not a fan of “rom-coms,” especially when they have huge ensemble casts. For example, I hate the movie Love Actually. Even so, at the end of the day, I can get past my own bias and admit that it’s well made, well acted, and succeeds at what it sets out to do (make stupid people gush). New Year’s Eve, on the other hand, has none of those redeeming qualities. It’s insulting on almost every level.

" Hey, Rob. Where do we pick up our checks?"

It’s one thing for a movie to have a boring plot. It’s quite another to have ten boring plots, each more cliche than the next. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of everything, but it was extremely difficult to care. That probably had something to do with the performances. I expect Zac Efron to act like a robot, but what’s Hillary Swank‘s excuse? Oh, right; the script. With dialog this bad, even the best actors wouldn’t stand a chance.

Speaking of which, who does Robert De Niro owe money to? The guy was in The Godfather Part II. He doesn’t have to do this. And then there’s poor Matthew Broderick. I’m assuming he did have to do this as a favor to his wife. His small role was painful to watch, mainly because he seemed to realize how pointless and unnecessary his presence was.

But I’ll give credit where credit is due. First of all, Katherine Heigl deserves an Oscar for her performance. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a 50-year-old botoxed Jon Bon Jovi has some real talent. And Ludacris was friggen outstanding as the random black cop who served no other purpose than explaining Hilary Swank‘s character to the audience. But other than than, it was pretty horrifying. At times, I actually had to look away from the screen. The worst offender might have been Sofia Vergara, who I normally like. Even a gratuitous cleavage shot could not redeem her character. We get it. You’re f*cking foreign and you have an accent. Who gives a shit?

At the end of the day, words really can’t describe how bad this film is, so I’ll sum it up with an animated gif.

Cast: Katherine Fugate

Synopsis: The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of New Year’s Eve.

Release Date: Sarah Jessica Parker, Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher

Among others, the poster proudly boasts Abigail Breslin AND Til Schweiger! That’s right, the German actor and director of over 50 films will be popping up to bring some diversity (granted, European diversity) to the ensemble cast which also features:

Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Hector Elizondo, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank and Sofia Vergara.

The film also seems to star “champagne” and “backlit dancing” in their breakout roles.

Because it’s Friday and so little real news breaks on Friday, let’s try to guess the coupling here:

Seth Meyers and Halle Berry

Zac Efron and Jessica Biel

Ludacris, Robert De Niro, and Abigail Breslin

Til Schweiger and any woman with two eyes and a heart

Sarah Jessica Parker and Hector “The Hitman” Elizondo

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel (They’ll have the cutest babies!!!!)

And since I’m pretty much over this exercise, let’s say the rest just hook up in a giant orgy over the end credits.

7 photosJessica Biel

In the spiritual sequel to Valentine’s Day, a bunch of model-hot people complain about how tough it is to find love and then find themselves in cliched, wacky situations that lead to them hooking up with other model-hot people. Except this time it happens a little earlier in winter.

Gary Marshall brings Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel back as new characters because these films take place in a world full of doppelgangers (they kinda play down the sci-fi angle in the marketing). In a ploy to make Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon far easier, he also cast the recognizable attractive faces of Josh Duhamel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lea Michele, Hilary Swank, Ludacris, Jon Bon Jovi, Halle Berry, Sofia Vergara, Zac Efron, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Til Schweiger, Seth Myers, Katherine Heigl, Sienna Miller, Ice Cube, John Lithgow, Carla Gugino, Julie Andrews and Abigail Breslin. That’s going to be one crowded poster.

Gugino, who can next be seen in Zack Snyder directed Sucker Punch and the Jim Carrey starring adaptation of Mr. Popper’s Penguins, will be playing mainly opposite Jessica Biel and SNL’s Seth Myers. (Hollywood Reporter)

Apparently, Heigl just adopted some poor kid and was looking for a project that wouldn’t require a huge time commitment. New Year’s Eve fits the bill, since as a follow up to Garry Marshall’s surprise hit Valentine’s Day it’s a big ensemble piece. Just a couple pinches of Heigl, as opposed to a whole dish. Dunno why I went with a food metaphor but whatever. New Year’s Eve will also star (deep breath) Robert De Niro, Sofia Vergara, Russell Peters, Hilary Swank, Ice Cube, Ashton Kutcher, Lea Michele, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Josh Duhamel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Abigail Breslin, Seth Meyers, Jessica Biel and Til Schweiger. (via Deadline)

According Hollywood Reporter, Meyers and, uh, Jovi join a cast that also includes Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Abigail Breslin, Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Ashton Kutcher, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank and Sofia Vergara. If Valentine’s Day is any indication, look for that cast to double in size before production. Bon Jovi will be playing a rock star and Meyers will be playing a broke dad that tries to get his wife to have the first baby of the year so that they can get a $25,000 prize. Heady, heady stuff.

New Year’s Eve is an ensemble film that follows around approximately a billion characters as they do the kinda stuff that people do on New Year’s Eve, like induce their wife’s labor for money.

Gary Marshall is throwing a bone to the beleaguered boyfriends who will be dragged to see New Year’s Eve. Jessica Biel will be returning for the follow-up non-sequel but won’t be reprising her Valentine’s Day role. That means the movies take place in a magical world where Jessica Biel has a twin, and good things happen to gorgeous people but only around major holidays.

Speaking of twins, Sofia Vergara has also joined the cast. There aren’t any specifics on which role she will play but let’s hope it involves a trampoline. If so, is it wrong if I go see it without my girlfriend? (THR)