Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

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…Because you’re bored:

Food experts discuss the growing movement of consumers rejecting industrialized food production in favor of eating only locally-produced items and ingredients. I’d be interested, except I can’t find anywhere that locally-produces Hot Pockets and Lucky Charms.

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…Because you’re drunk:

A bunch of strange shit starts happening in a small town, and it’s up to a group of unusually good-looking people with great hair to figure out what’s going on.

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…Because you want to talk about sex:

Some people talk about sex.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

A young man falls in love with the woman of his dreams, who turns out to be a lesbian. The film would later be remade in the form a reality television show for stupid people, under the title A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.

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Because you’re bored:

A documentary following three men who set out to traverse the Sahara desert on foot. All three are severely disappointed when they learn that mirages do not consist of seeing cacti turn into giant fried chicken legs.

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Because you’re drunk:

Vampires and human criminals square off in an attempt to determine who can utter the cheesiest post-kill one-liner.

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Because Sean Bean makes one hell of a medieval knight:

When the bubonic plague begins to sweep through Europe, a knight (Sean Bean) is tasked with tracking down a woman who can reportedly revive the dead, all the while proving that typecasting can actually be a good thing for some actors. If you disagree, Bean will cut off your head with the broadsword he now carries everywhere.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

A group of self-satisfied hipsters run around the streets of London singing songs for random strangers.

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…Because you’re bored:

Professional smart person Ray Kurzweil presents his theories on the future of man. According to Kurzweil, people will eventually become one with technology and will be unable to distinguish between the real world and virtual reality. In contemporary terms, this is referred to as “playing World of Warcraft.”

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…Because you’re drunk:

A border patrol agent must kick enormous amounts of ass in order to save his kidnapped daughter. Also, he is Stone Cold Steve Austin.

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…Because you will watch Milla Jovovich in anything:

Hecka zombies get killed by a hot chick with guns. If there was a plot, I don’t remember it.

It’s Thursday, and that means it’s time to get distracted. Here are the best, the worst, and the weirdest of what’s available to stream instantly on Netflix.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

A documentary following the historic “Rumble in the Jungle” bout between prizefighting legends Muhammad Ali and George Foreman. I cannot, in all good faith, make fun of this film. Not because it’s good, but because I swear by the George Foreman Grill and anything with that man’s name on it.

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…Because you’re bored:

An accomplished big-city businessman heads back to his hometown to solve a murder and climb trees naked.

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…Because you’re drunk:

A group of charismatic sociopaths try to kill some dude while making clever jokes and doing somersaults and shit.

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…Because you secretly still wish you could be Fred Savage:

Tw brothers, one of whom is autistic or something, set out to win big money at a video game contest, a la Rain Man. Along for the ride is the Nintendo Powerglove, which is so bad.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

A lonel high school student decides to become a superhero in a desperate bid to gain attention. He does so, and also ends up gaining several broken bones.

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…Because you’re bored:

Some overly-critical dudes sit around making fun of movies because they are… Wait a minute… Oh my god this is so meta.

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…Because you’re drunk:

When a small frontier town is besieged by giant worms and poorly-executed special effects, it’s up to a rag tag team of cowboys and lawmen to run screaming in fear.

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…Because your girlfriend has you by the balls:

Alfie is a suave British dude who gets all the ladies he wants, until one day he realizes that there is more to life than just having sex. Clearly this is some female-perpetrated propaganda. Disregard all life lessons contained within.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

Before taking a job with the DEA, a former soldier must come to terms with his overwhelming desire to completely f*ck up his life. But that gets boring, and he decides to just go around shooting people and smoking crack instead.

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…Because you’re bored:

William S. Burroughs, founding father of the Beat movement and author of Naked Lunch, is the focus of this documentary. Of course, when I say “documentary” I mean “filmmaker’s valiant effort to tell the story of a man whose life pretty much defies all words, logic, or semblance of normalcy.” Also, he did a lot of drugs.

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…Because you’re drunk:

Burt Reynolds and his mustache face off against a group of violent drug dealers who killed his best friend.

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…Because you have no shame. No shame at all:

Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino teaches you how to be a huge tool in just 15 minutes a day.

It’s time to get distracted. Here are the best, the worst, and the weirdest of what’s new to stream instantly on Netflix.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

Some guys get all up in the world’s face with this exploration of the seldom-seen elements of the human population, including lepers, homeless Americans, and  people who enjoy Tyler Perry movies.

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…Because you’re bored:

A rogue CIA officer attempts to prove that she is not a Russian sleeper agent by blowing shit up and shooting at people.

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…Because you’re drunk:

Visionary director Christopher Ray paints a provocative tale of free will versus the perception of human destiny, in turn forcing viewers to question their place within the scope of society’s collective existential grief.

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…Because you want to be able to say you’ve seen Gone With the Wind:

After a metorological experiment goes awry, the wind becomes self aware and begins kidnapping children from a small town in the rural south. Or it could be a romantic epic set against the backdrop of the Civil War.

You ready for some hardcore movie-watching? Because this shit is about to get real. Here are the best, the worst, and the weirdest of what’s available to stream instantly on Netflix. Engage!

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

The toys are back at it again, this time racing against the clock to save themselves from abandonment and imminent destruction. Anyone else wonder why they’ve never risen up and demanded equal rights? I mean, they have the same intellectual capacity as humans, right? Second-class citizens no doubt. And with that statement I am officially too old for Pixar movies.

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…Because you’re bored:

A young man is diagnosed with a terminal illness and decides to drop everything in his life to embark on a solo journey across thousands of miles of road and wilderness. Think of it as The Motorcycle Diaries but with cancer. Huh… Now I’m sad.

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…Because you’re drunk (really drunk):

Will Ferrell makes Will Ferrell jokes in this film starring Will Ferrell. Also, that guy from The Fighter is in it.

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…Because you want to feel well-informed about how wasteful society is without actually changing your own consumption habits:

A renowned artist joins the ranks of the Brazilian catadores — an impoverished sect of the Brazilian population who pick through trash heaps to find items worth reselling. A must-see for anyone who enjoys feeling immense guilt.

It’s Thursday, which means it’s time for your weekly Netflix Instant Distractions. Here’s the best, the worst, and the weirdest of what’s available to stream instantly on Netflix.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

Mel Brooks examines the startling racial disparity and heightened political tensions associated with the American westward expansion of the mid 19th century.

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…Because you’re bored:

A documentary following a group of economically depressed marijuana farmers in Northern California, who seek financial independence, legal protection over their crops, and the opportunity to get so totally baked, bro.

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…Because you’re drunk:

Dolph Lundgren kicks approximately 7000 asses in this story about a former Soviet assassin who just wants to live the American dream of having a mediocre office job and raising a couple of shithead little kids.

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…Because you’re trying to get into some chick’s pants:

A privileged American divorcee jet-sets through a series of developing countries in an effort to find herself. A must-see for anyone who gets their period.

Here are your weekly recommendations for what to watch instantly on Netflix.

Watch these movies…

…Because you want to see something good:

A mentally challenged man overcomes the odds and goes on to become the world’s most celebrated police officer.

…Because you’re bored:

Six documentary filmmakers explore the freakier side of economics, as laid out by authors Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. Spoiler alert: They don’t actually turn apples into oranges.

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…Because you’re drunk:

An assorted group of strippers, porn stars, and prostitutes fight off a relentless zombie invasion armed only with their massive breasts and also some guns.

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…Because you never really wanted to have sex anyway:

Dr. Geo Trevarthan explores the symbology of the Harry Potter series in this captivating documentary. A must see for Harry Potter fans and anyone still under the impression that “Doctor” is a title reserved for people who do important things.

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