Screen Junkies » NATIONAL TREASURE

The In-Development ‘Beached’ May Have The Best Logline In Cinema History

Penn Collins — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 16:35:00 +0000

From the director of National Treasure, Jon Turtletaub (hold your applause to the end, please), is the upcoming Beached. Rather than synopsize the film using my own words, I’ll let THR do the heavy lifting here, as I like the way they phrase the concept just fine:

Beached centers on a chubby 4-year-old child who falls overboard during a family outing, is raised by whales and goes on to become a champion swimmer.

I need a cigarette.

It sounds so stupid that I immediately thought that it must be a true story, because it’s too dumb for someone to make up. Then I remember that if a person needs to be “raised” by water animals, at some point their legs will get tired of swimming and they will drown. I would guess it would take a four year-old about 38 seconds to drown, not giving the whales a lot of time to do “raising.”

Eh. Chubby kids are buoyant, but not buoyant enough to tread water for their entire adolescence. Unless the child is just crazy-fat, which would take the film from good to great.

What’s most amazing is that Beached has been going around for 15 years, meaning that people keep trying to make this movie. What’s only slightly less amazing than that is the fact that the original draft was penned by Ted Griffin, who wrote Ocean’s Eleven, which is by my account a “good” movie.

(Go for applause.)

We Ranked Nic Cage’s Remakes & Sequels In Order Of Watchability

Jared Jones — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:00:41 +0000

If you were to throw a brick of cocaine, a 10 gallon bottle of battery acid, and the remains of John Wayne Gacy into a concrete mixer, then rig that concrete mixer with 100 pounds of C4, the resulting explosion would be roughly the equivalent of what runs through Nicolas Cage’s mind on a daily basis. The man is Hollywood’s answer to the current employment crisis in America, and would appear in your high school‘s Sexual Education PSA if the money was right.

The beast that is Nic Cage has acquired a taste for remakes, and every so often, a sequel. So with Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance shitting it’s way into 3rd place at the box office this past weekend (and claiming a 15% score on Rotten Tomatoes), we decided to have the Screenjunkies interns scan through his IMDB page so we could rank movie remakes and sequels in order of worst to best. The following list is dedicated to the interns who starved to death before they could make it to the bottom.

KILL IT WITH FIRE – The Wicker Man

Little can be said about a movie in which Mr. Cage viciously strikes a woman while wearing a bear suit, but we’re going to try nonetheless. Aside from the rampant acts of chauvinistic brutality that are depicted in the remake of Robin Hardy’s 1973 classic, 2006’s The Wicker Man featured perhaps the worst performance of Cage’s career, and that is saying something. Five Razzie nominations and a box office disaster later, the film would forever cast its star into a purgatory known as the internet meme from which he shall never truly return. If you ever find yourself within 25 yards of this movie, don’t stop running until you reach the CDC.

Stay the Hell Away From – Bangkok Dangerous

Back in 2008, Nicolas Cage skinned a dead raccoon that he found outside of his vacation home in Birmingham, Alabama. As a joke, he put it on his head and walked onto the set of Bangkok Dangerous. Nobody said a word, and four years later he has yet to take it off. More people enjoyed getting the Swine Flu than they did watching this remake of a 1999 Thai thriller, which scored a 9% on the Tomatometer. Sadly, this would not be Nic Cage’s worst rated film.

8 Movie Characters Who Piss On The Constitution

Wookie Johnson — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 19:47:57 +0000

It’s that time of year again. That’s right, Constitution Day. Have you finished your gift shopping and baked the ceremonial meatballs? At any rate, the Constitution is amazing. It’s just the f*cking coolest document, and we all love it. It’s a shame we can only celebrate it once a year.

However, there are a few dirty scourges who don’t love the Constitution. They don’t uphold its values and they aren’t allowed to have any meatballs. Here they are. Feel free to give them the boos and hisses they deserve.

Harry Callahan – Dirty Harry

Dirty Harry defends the Constitution, but he does it his way. The only rule he follows is that bullets come out the small end. His extreme tactics may get results, but they don’t get him any Constitutional brownie points.

The President – Escape From L.A.

We know him best as Spider-Man‘s sweet Uncle Ben, but you might also recognize Cliff Robertson as the President from Escape from L.A. And that guy had zero respect for the Constitution. After being elected to office, he completely rewrites it and adds an amendment proclaiming himself president for life. After that, he goes on to move the capitol and then outlaws everything fun, including tobacco, alcoholic beverages, red meat, firearms, profanity, non-Christian religions, atheism and non-marital sex. And if yo break these laws, you’re forced to move to Los Angeles — a fate normally reserved for aspiring screenwriters and actors.

WHAT’S ON TV TONIGHT: TUESDAY, AUGUST 11th, 2009

Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Whale extinction, stem cell research, sustainability, and Nicolas Cage. Tonight’s TV Preview are all causes once championed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

BIG IDEAS FOR A SMALL PLANET

Network: Sundance Channel

Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: This episode focuses on sustainable furniture with a look at chairs and dressers made out of recycled cardboard. Just think, all this time we’ve been weirded out by the homeless when they had the right idea all along. If you really cared about the environment, you’d be wearing a tin foil necktie and flipping your middle finger up at passing cars.

EXPLORER: KINGDOM OF THE BLUE WHALE

Network: National Geographic

Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: A team of scientists track the nearly extinct blue whales to their rarely seen wintering grounds. If you’re into nature, this looks like a pretty cool front row seat that few people ever get to experience in person. And it’s inexplicably narrated by Magnum P.I. himself, Tom Selleck.

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

Network: ENC

Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Watch Nicolas Cage in one of his more ridiculous action performances as he returns to the character of Ben Franklin Gates. In one sequence, Gates intentionally runs a traffic light while holding up an artifact so that the traffic camera will photograph it. From there he merely has to hack into the traffic mainframe to retrieve the picture. That chain of events is simutaneously retarded and more retarded. I would expect something like that from Vin Diesel not from a guy who somehow won an Oscar.

WAREHOUSE 13

Network: Syfy

Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: On a new episode of Warehouse 13 Pete and Myka take on a dead agent’s unfinished mission. It’s gotta be heart-breaking to not complete your life’s work. I hate leaving things unfin

South Park

Network: Comedy Central

Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: If I had to choose my all-time favorite episode of South Park it would probably be tonight’s episode ‘Kenny Dies’. Things take a turn for the melodramatic when Kenny falls ill with an incurable disease. The boys put their differences aside and Cartman springs into action to convince Congress to legalize stem cell research. I could watch this all day. And I think I will thanks to South Park Studios. Bring me Cheetos and hold my calls.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN

Paula Abdul, Elvis Costello, Neil Patrick Harris

CONAN

Jon Hamm, Cobra Starship and Estelle

KIMMEL

Ty Pennington, David Sedaris, the Jonas Brothers

FERGUSON

Mitch Alborn, Bonnie Raitt with Taj Mahal

FALLON

Ashton Kutcher, Triple H, Bat for Lashes