A fetish group with the deceptively innocuous name clips4sale.com has publicly expressed their interest in procuring from ABC a three-second Dancing with the Stars clip in which Nancy Grace purportedly drops ass. The group has stated, ”We wish to acquire this for our members of our website who are “Flatulophiliacs” or simply put, “Fart Fanatics.”

There’s so much I still don’t know about the world.

The gazillion-dollar question is, of course, did Nancy Grace fart, or was it another party on or off-camera. I analyzed this pretty scientifically, and here’s what conclusion I have drawn:

Nancy Grace looks like a farter.

*boom goes the gavel*

Articles like this are every writer’s dream. Smell that shit? That’s Pulitzer.

9. Nancy Grace

It looks like 2012 came a little early. How is she denying that there is a nipple under that pink star? If there’s no nipple under there, then the real story is that Nancy Grace lacks nipples, which is something I have suspected for a few years now.

8. Tara Reid

Hey Tara. Nice boob job. No, I can’t see the scar. Also, did you get your breasts shined? Terrific.

7. Amy Winehouse

Is this creepier because Amy Winehouse is dead or because she looked like this when she was alive.

To be clear, I have zero interest in “Dancing with the Stars.” But internet traffic being what it is, I have to chase the trends. That’s why I decided to have two of our writers (Wookie Johnson and Penn Collins) debate a hot topic that’s on everyone’s mind: Would you rather sleep with Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono?

There’s not a lot of upside to either choice. Chaz has that whole “gender swamping” thing going on, which, for some people, is a turn off. On the other hand, Nancy Grace has that whole “being Nancy Grace” thing going on, which is also a huge turn off. It’s a tough choice. We best leave it to the professionals. Take it away, Wookie and Penn…

Wookie Johnson: Chaz Bono, hands down. Who would pass up the opportunity to be with rock n’ roll royalty? As the only child of Sonny and Cher, Chaz undoubtedly gets into the best parties. Vanity Fair party? No problem. Tickets to the Tony’s? No big whoop. Dodgers box-seats? Whatever, I’ll go because I love nachos. Plus, Chaz could definitely score free tickets to see Burlesque. And I think we can all agree that free is the only way to see Burlesque.

Not only that, but we’re talking about the lead singer of Ceremony here. Ceremony! Have you ever been with a lead signer? No offense, but you strike me more as the type to get with the bassist. Maybe drummer. Maybe.

Penn Collins: While it’s hard (read: impossible) to argue that this isn’t a case of “the lesser of two evils,” Chaz Bono in this case is WAY more evil than Nancy Grace. Grace hosted a show on Court TV called “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace.” That’s a sexy television show title. I’m getting pretty fired up just slowly whispering the words “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace” to myself right now. Further, Nancy Grace is married, which means our relationship would be little more than raw animal sex. I like to keep things casual, Wookie. You know that about me.

Also, she has the fact that she isn’t a dude going for her. That’s huge, because I’m a straight guy, and item one on my “Do I want to sleep with this person?” checklist is “Is the person in question female?” If the answer is “no,” then I move on to another candidate. Apparently, the whole male/female thing isn’t as pressing for you. While I applaud your bisexual swinging lifestyle, Wookie, it’s just not for me.

I will concede two points: Nancy Grace doesn’t have the pedigree that Chaz has, nor is she the lead singer of a band (to my knowledge. I haven’t conducted as much research for this discussion as it merits).

Finally, please don’t presume to know how many lead singers I’ve been with. I dated Tracy Chapman for six months in 1995.

Wookie Johnson: Court TV? That hardly even counts as being on TV at all. Are you also excited by play titles?

Yes. The penis thing. I suspected you might bring this up. Though I do identify myself as a heterosexual and have never had a gay experience, I would do so in this case. This has less to do with an attraction to Chaz (though he seems pretty chill), than it does with a repulsion to Nancy Grace. Look at that hair. She looks like Lime Cat.

I would also much prefer to stare deep into Chaz’s eyes than I would into Nancy’s nostrils. I find them far more distracting than a penis.

Penn Collins: First of all, Nancy Grace’s hair frames her face wonderfully. It’s pretty clear we are running out of praises to sing about our choices, so we’re simply attacking the alternative. I’m on board.

The name Chaz, besides the fact that it’s, you know, a man’s name, isn’t one I could get behind. Chaz isn’t a sexy name. Nancy Grace is a beautiful name…a name that belongs to a classy lady who owns several chiffon negligees and has a four-post bed in which to make love.

“Chaz” sounds like someone who would try to fingerblast you at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Further, I agree with Nancy Grace’s value system. I don’t know what Chaz Bono’s stance on murder is, but I know from the coverage of the Casey Anthony trial that Mrs. Grace is against it. Also, with Nancy Grace, I don’t have to have that awkward “top or bottom” conversation that so often kills the mood.

Wookie Johnson: Little known fact; Chaz took his name from the “All That Chaz” episode of “Charles In Charge.” You see, Chaz is the totally awesome alter-ego to Scott Baio‘s straight-laced Charles that appears whenever he suffers traumatic head injury. Speaking of traumatic head injury, what is wrong with YOUR penis that it can grow firm in the presence of Nancy Grace’s voice?

I do agree with you that murder is bad, but murder is not the case that they gave us. Please stay on subject.

Penn Collins: Stay on the subject? The subject is boning Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono. We might be dumber than we were before starting this debate. The only compelling case made here is that no one should sleep with either Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace..unless they’re in love with them and, or married to them.

Here are seven movie rednecks that Grace would have an opinion about. If these stories were actually true, she wouldn’t have time to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Karl Childers, Sling Blade

A mentally-handicapped man, a crime of passion, and the state-run facility that released him to kill again. A story like this could feed the Grace children for years on end.

Max Cady, Cape Fear

During a 14 year prison term, violent rapist Max Cady took the opportunity to learn what letters mean and discovered that his public defender intentionally withheld information that could have exonerated him. Upon release, he stalks the public defender and terrorizes his family before kidnapping and attempting to kill them. So sorry, Nancy. No murders here. But on the bright side, there’s still a rape. That’s pretty good, right?

Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer, Thelma & Louise

Now we’re talking. Rape, murder, robbery, an explosion, manhunts, and a police chase resulting in death. Momma needs a new pair of shoes.