The Muppets commentary those fat cats didn’t want you to see…

So, here’s our handy guide to when you can leave the couch this Sunday without missing anything that may interest you. If you’re going to waste your time, you might as well waste it doing something awesome.

The Red Carpet

Unless you’re hungover or a live-blogger (pretty much go hand-in-hand) there’s no reason to watch the Oscars red carpet pre-show. It’s never interesting and who cares who is wearing whom? We’re not our mothers, wives, or girlfriends so there’s no usable information to be gleaned from this. At best we’ll be able to get a look at an A-list actress looking pretty hot. But that’s only good if you’re in the comfort of your own home. It’s generally frowned upon to fap openly at Oscar parties which isn’t fair considering Hollywood will be tossing itself off the entire night.

Cirque du Soleil

It seems like every year, producers of the show try to shoehorn feats of gymnastic bendiness into the already too long award show. I see no benefit to having Cirque du Soleil there on Oscar night. Watching people with their genitalia smooshed uncomfortably into zebra-striped unitards twist while they around upside down doesn’t help me understand The Help on any deeper level. If the show is aiming to be entertaining, they should hire a real circus. One with elephants and clowns who spray winners with seltzer if their acceptance speeches go long.

Bret McKenzie has announced a film is in the works. “We’re going to try and do a movie. We just need a story.”

No, you don’t. The Transformers franchise is HUGE.

Given the success on The Muppets (on which McKenzie served as music supervisor), this is likely to become a priority project. All they need is the story, which should totally involve puppets. (via Vulture)

While most of these people are just embittered weirdos, perhaps the one “Muppet purist” with a legit gripe is Frank Oz, the man who created Fozzie Bear and Miss Piggy. He said in an interview with Metro that he passed on the project because he felt the script strayed a little too far from who he thought the Muppets were.

He offers, “‘I wasn’t happy with the script. I don’t think they respected the characters. But I don’t want to go on about it like a sourpuss and hurt the movie.”

Well, I can understand why a man so integral to their creation and existence can be a little nonplussed by the new take on the gang, but as for everyone else, just eat your popcorn and watch the damn puppets. They’re not THAT important to you.

Seriously. They’re not.

The scientists have checked and rechecked their experiment to make sure nothing had gone wrong, but so far everything seems to have been in order. Now other members of the scientific community are testing their findings. If this is true, perhaps someday we’ll all have some sweet spaceships like the ones on this list.

Max – Flight of the Navigator

Max is likely to be the sketchiest ship on this list. First of all, it’s voiced be Paul Reubens. That may not seem so bad, but you should also keep in mind that the ship traveled 560 light years to abduct a young boy and take him for a joy ride through outer space. Also, it’s unmarked.

Th Battlestar Galactica – Battlestar Galactica

Though a bit of a clunker, the Galactica is capable of light-speed travel. However, there are drawbacks. For instance, when escorting refugees, she must limit her speed to that of the fleet’s slowest ship. And for a short while, all jumps to light-speed were done so blind, meaning that the crew could not predict where they would arrive after their jumps. It’s like getting hammered and falling asleep in a taxi.

Weirdos’ Ship – Muppets From Space

Not only is this ship capable of traveling faster than the speed of light, but its inhabitants can also communicate via bowls of cereals and sandwiches. Never saw Spock pull anything like that off.

As expected, it’s a pretty impressive effort that features many of the Muppets and their distinctive traits. Think of all the hours spent with hands up the talent. Did Hype Williams direct this?

Zach Galifianakis, everyone’s favorite bearded comedian at the moment, is in talks to appear in the upcoming Muppet movie as a person, even though he looks a helluva lot like Fozzy Bear. Robert Downey Jr. dropped the casting news during a press interview for Due Date. That Downey. He’s incorrigable.

Galifianakis would join Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Rashida Jones, and Chris Cooper, who have all already been cast. The new film, directed by James Bobin, will "take place within a showbiz setting and follow the Muppets as they try to save their studio from a greedy oil baron (Cooper) who wants to dig for oil. Segel is set to play the lead who reunites the Muppets for one last show to save the studio; Adams is his girlfriend, while Jones will play an ABC executive." No word yet on what Galifianakis would play. Maybe a film director. It’s time he put that beard to good use. (ThePlaylist)

_{Say hello to my little friend!}

Do you like Muppet movies? Do you like murder movies? Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to murder a Muppet? Well, in any case, it looks like you’re in luck. Lionsgate has signed on to Happytime Murders, a murder-mystery featuring Muppets (or something very similar) created by the Jim Henson Company.

Happytime grounds us in a world where humans and puppets live side by side, albeit with the puppets as second-class citizens. The furry cast of once-popular kids’ show The Happytime Gang are being picked off one by one, and the only ones who can figure out who’s behind the deaths is a drunken, washed-up private eye puppet and his former LAPD partner, a human being.

That sounds a lot like Chinatown mixed with Who Framed Roger Rabbit. That is to say, it sounds like the greatest story in all of human history. Oh, and if you answered "yes" to wanting to kill a Muppet, rot it hell. I love those furry bastards more than my own family. (Empire Online)

He’s still alive, you sick bastard!

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Good news for people who like things that are unbelievably awesome. Jason Segel and the team involved with the next Muppet movie recently met with the bigwigs at Pixar to discuss ways to make your head explode.

Some of the members of the so-called "Pixar Brain Trust" — filmmakers John Lasseter, Brad Bird, Pete Docter, Andrew Stanton, Michael Arndt, Bob Peterson and president Ed Catmull — were there for the consultations. Docter is a particularly avid Muppets fan, so he almost certainly was one of the attendees. On the Disney side, Muppets director James Bobin and producers David Hoberman and Todd Lieberman were likely in the room along with Segel.

While plot details are hard to come by, as long as they don’t have Kermit and Fozzie experimenting with homosexuality and adopting African children, I’ll pay to see it twice. And even if they did go that route, with this kind of talent behind the film, it’s hard to imagine how it could end up sucking. In fact, I haven’t been this excited about a film’s prospects since I first heard that an unfettered George Lucas was working on a little film called Phantom Menace. (THR)

Have you ever watched an episode of "Fraggle Rock" and thought, "Hey, this shit needs to be more f**king edgy and gritty, like I am, beotch!" If so, you’re in luck.

Director/Screenwriter Corey Edwards has taken to the interwebs to complain that the Weinsteins are squeezing him out of the ‘Fraggle’ script because his version is “not edgy enough.”

I enjoy working with other writers and have no doubt that the RIGHT person could help make any script better. But to not even ask me? Adding insult to injury, the search is basically an open assignment. This means the net has been cast wide, virtually posting in the “classifieds” of the movie business. The Fraggles do not deserve such treatment.

Now, I like "Fraggle Rock" as much as the next unoriginal retro-addicted douche bag, but I’m not exactly sure what type of treatment Fraggles "deserve." It’s not like we’re talking about the regular Muppets, here. If the Weinsteins want to remake Bad Lieutenant with the "Fraggle Rock" gang, I say let ‘em. They’re animals anyway, so let them lose their souls. (SlashFilm)

George ‘El Guapo’ Roush of Latino Review says that "if you hate The Muppets, you hate life."

I’ll take it one step further. If you hate The Muppets, I hate you. By that logic, I don’t hate Nick Stoller, the director of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Stoller is at the helm of the latest outing from Kermit and the gang, The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time.

I always call The Muppets, the ‘gateway drug for comedy nerds.’ It’s the first comedy we’re introduced to, at least people our age. That’s what we’re going for with that. It will be for the whole family I guess, and for anyone who likes Muppets."

Unlike my other childhood favorites (Star Wars Indiana Jones, Eraserhead), The Muppets are perfect for a remake/reboot since the characters don’t age. Well, neither does that "baby" from Eraserhead, but that’s pretty much a Muppet when you think about it.

At any rate, until Shia Labeouf signs on as the villain who pretends to be interested in porking Miss Piggy so he can kidnap The Muppets and sell them off to "Furries," I’m going to remain optimistic. Waka, Waka, Waka!