MTV has announced that they’ve given the green light to a television pilot based on the Scream films. Written by Kevin Williamson and directed by Wes Craven, the Scream films are best known for skewering horror movie tropes as well as literally skewering attractive teens. In a news release, the network said it was working with Dimension to “reinvent the successful horror comedy franchise that spawned three sequels and unleashed ‘Ghostface’ to a legion of unsuspecting fans.” While the network is still speaking with writers, Dimension is still working on a deal to have Craven return to direct the one-hour pilot.

I’d imagine that the series would be presented as a season long mystery as the audience tries to figure out the identity of the masked killer (or killers) that is terrorizing the student body. However, I’m not sure the format can sustain that concept with more and more of the cast being killed off each episode. The Scream movies have always managed to keep it fresh and subvert expectations, so let’s hope the eventual series will be able to do the same. At the very least, let’s hope it’s better executed than Teen Wolf. (NY Times)

Screen Junkies has a recurring feature called Honest Trailers in which we skewer popular films with a version of the trailer that reveals the dirty underlying truths about the movie. As a Screen Junkies writer, let me be the first to say that they’re always HILARIOUS and witty.

Which is why it ruffled so many feathers when MTV took issue with our take on the Skyfall send-up. The Skyfall Honest Trailer may not have been our single favorite Honest Trailer, but that’s just because they’re all so good that they’re tied for first in our hearts.

It hurt our feelings that a site which is now as devoted to film as it is to good, original music thought that our criticisms of the film were baseless, so one of the writers of the Skyfall Honest Trailer, Ian Weinreich, decided to critique the critique.

Here’s Ian’s response. We await MTV’s re-response with bated breath.

Film writer Kevin P. Sullivan has a few bones to pick with us over our latest episode of Honest Trailers: Skyfall. If you haven’t heard of Kevin Sullivan, then you’re missing some of the most well written reviews of movies like Singin’ in the Rain on his blog for MTV, showing that he truly understands the core audience he’s supposed to be writing for.

He believes that Honest Trailers has “devolved into a series of nit-picky video essays that seemingly hates every aspect of the movies.” Lest Mr. Sullivan think I’m a dilettante on the subject of 007, let me just say that I’ve been watching Bond my entire life, was named after Ian Fleming, and have gotten laid with no less than three Bond movies playing in the background. So while I may apparently be a loser, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to Bond.

Mr. Sullivan was nice enough to give a point-by-point rebuttal to our Honest Trailer episode in which we try to make people laugh and be entertained by pointing out things us fans found striking about Skyfall. It was not meant, as he apparently wishes it were, to be a critical analysis worthy of Cahiers du Cinema. So now a point-by-point rebuttal rebuttal.

Sam Mendes has no experience direction action.

While it’s true that Mendes has never directed anything like “Skyfall,” every actiondirector has to start somewhere. Does Screen Junkies take into account that he knocked it out of the park on his first attempt? No.

Mr. Sullivan begins with “While it’s true that Mendes has never directed anything like Skyfall,….therefore negating his argument before he even begins. A better argument would’ve been to bring up all the great shootout scenes in Road to Perdition.

It’s overrated because Quantum of Solace sucked.

You can’t assume that the nearly universal praise for “Skyfall” comes from an equally widespread need to lift the series reputation after one bad installment.

Actually I love Quantum, but I’m one of the few people, and if Mr. Sullivan had paid attention to the hype of the new film’s production, he would’ve noticed that every interview the filmmakers gave was an apology for the last movie and a need to up the ante to make up for it.

Bond doesn’t hide his name.

This isn’t a realistic espionage drama. Did you notice that henchman who got eaten by a komodo dragon? That should have tipped you off.

Mr. Sullivan postulates that it’s okay that people know Bond’s name since this isn’t a realistic espionage drama evidenced by the fact that a henchman gets eaten by a komodo dragon. If he’d done his homework, he would know that the Komodo dragon, also known as the komodo monitor, has killed over a dozen people in the last 20 years. I suppose he also missed headlines like ‘Komodo dragons maul man to death’, ‘Komodo dragon attacks terrorize villages,‘ ‘komodo dragons kill Indonesian fisherman’ from just a simple Google search.

Why didn’t the train in the opening sequence stop?

Because that would make for an interesting chase sequence, right?

The explanation that had it stopped, there would’ve been no interesting chase sequences is valid. He’s right, there wouldn’t have been one. So then maybe the writers should have come up with something better that explains why as a train is torn apart and guns go off on its roof, the conductor just keeps it going.

Why aren’t the passengers scared?

They look scared to me, but more importantly, why do you care?

Meh, they really don’t look too scared, Kevin, come on. Maybe a little bewildered, but scared? Wouldn’t you be freaking out if the back of your train was ripped off behind you like the plane from Lost and some rando dude just jumped in?

Bond’s beach time was ‘anticlimactic’, and there’s CNN in English.

I don’t think “anticlimactic” is the word you’re looking for, and the CNN bit is an old screenwriting trick where a news broadcast helps get a piece of exposition across that would have otherwise broken up the story in an awkward way. Also, ‘Skyfall’ is a movie.

No, that’s the word I’m looking for. But thanks, Thesaurus. Bond falls from a towering height into a waterfall with two gunshot wounds in Turkey. Somehow, without any help, he makes it all the way to South America. We see none of that happen, don’t know how, don’t know how he fought to survive, made it out of the water, patch himself up, found a fake passport, evade his own organization and go overseas. He just popped up in one shot. That, I believe, is anticlimactic.

And ahhh, thank you for defining what exposition means. All this time I thought newscasts in movies were actually telling me real news. Why a cheap, local bar in South American would be playing Wolf Blitzer, I still don’t know.

Word association, office politics, art theory, Judi Dench frowning, and landscape shots are boring.

Really? Because the word association session is a well-written scene that establishes Bond’s troubled link to his childhood home, M’s meeting with Mallory sets the stage for her public fallout, and Bond’s introduction to Q is a fun way of exploring the theme and point of the whole bloody movie. And the landscape shots? You mean Roger Deakins’ Oscar-nominated cinematography? Are you sure you actually like movies?

Mr. Sullivan lights us up on this one. I guess he didn’t find the pacing of the entire second act of the movie slow, long and drawn out. But that’s his opinion. He’s entitled to it. Except that he uses the phrase ‘whole bloody movie.’ And unless he’s British, he’s not allowed to use the word bloody like that. What a tosser.

Silva’s plan is unrealistically convoluted.

“Okay, we’ll let this one slide. (But, you know, it’s a movie.)”

Well, Casino Royale was also a movie. The plot of that one was a villain plays a high-stakes card game to win back the money he lost from terrorists. Bond tries to stop him. Wow, see how simple that is and easy to follow and from one of the most beloved recent Bond pics? Imagine that.

It takes too long for Silva to show up.

Yeah, and when he does, his entrance is more impactful because of the wait.

Sure, it’s impactful, but he’s such a great character, we just wish he would’ve appeared earlier because he’s wasted for half the film.

Silva “makes Bond gay.”

I’m pretty sure this is homophobic, and you missed the point.

Accusation: We’re homophobic. Reality: It’s funny when played with porn music in the background. Lighten up, man.

The gadgets are lame, and the radio is bigger than one Bond had in the 60s.

Sometimes for comedic relief you have to ignore the continuity of a 50-year-old film franchise.

I’m not sure he knows what “comedic relief” actually means since it was not done for any comedic relief. There was no comedy. There was no relief.

The writers stole agent list plot from “Mission: Impossible.”


…and ‘Mission: Impossible’ stole it from countless spy movies, TV shows, and novelsbefore it. Everything is a remix.”

I’m sorry, did you just say “Everything is a remix”? What post-modern, pop-art Eurotrash film magazine did you read that one out of?

The fight scenes are too “artsy” to actually see.

Sam Mendes and Roger Deakins would like to apologize for thinking that movies should be interesting to look at.

Um, no. They were trying to be interesting to look at but tried too hard and like we said, you really had to strain to see what the hell was going on.

The ending is ripped off from Home Alone.

…or the western trope of a last stand. It’s a western, not ‘Home Alone‘.

Sure, it all harkens back to a last stand motif. But isn’t it funny when you see Judi Dench making light bulb bombs with that music playing over it? Doesn’t Joe Pesci look so pissed?

Bond essentially rapes Severine.

She doesn’t seem to be resisting…like, at all.

Good luck using that line at your trial, bro.

The hard drive storyline disappears. 


True, but couldn’t that have just been a ruse to get MI6 involved from the start?

First, you started with “True” so you agree with us. Second, it was a ruse to get MI6 involved. But it still exists, ya know? This list is still out in the open. Isn’t it kind of, you know, important they get it back?

-Ian Weinreich

This is a phenomenal idea, because it basically boils down to “rappers are going to tell you something, and you have to say to their face if you think they’re lying.” Under no circumstances do I foresee this show being anything but a beautiful trainwreck. Because, when you think about how little the celebrities involved in the original Hollywood Squares gave a shit about the show, then consider that they’re being replaced with RAPPERS, you can’t help but get a big-ass smile across your face.

Just like the its parent program, Hip Hop Squares isn’t exactly getting A-listers to sit in on the show. A recent New York Times visit to the set offered a picture of the nine “squares,” the list is as follows:

Childish Gambino (Community’s Donald Glover)
Fat Joe
Mac Miller
Tech N9ne
DJ Khaled
Ghostface Killa
Donnell Rawlings
MGK
Kat Graham

Contestants will be counting on the knowledge of this man, Mac Miller.

I know who six of these people are, and only care about two of them (Glover and Ghostface), which is probably for the best. This isn’t the type of show you tune into to see Fat Joe try to trick a contestant into believing that Portugal is a province of Spain. This is a show you watch to witness Fat Joe do something stupid and irrational, like try and throw something at a contestant from his perch on the top right of the board.

Dissecting the show itself is pretty stupid, because it’s a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of endeavor. What’s more interesting is a) trying to determine who thought this program would be a good idea, b) why someone thought this program would be a good idea, and c) all the awesome stuff that could happen on this show.

Oh, now is probably the right time to mention that the celebrity squares are actually encouraged to drink before the taping.

BUT WHAT IF THEY HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN LATER ON THAT DAY?

Mr. McConaughey won't be on the show. Just making sure you're paying attention.

Despite the fact that the show is on MTV, and the production values seem to be pretty high, the contestants can only really win a few hundred dollars on a show, which for some reason makes the show feel even more fly-by-night than it actually is.

While I don’t have the access (or inclination, honestly) to determine what mentally unstable MTV exec hell-bent on getting fired greenlit this show, nor the mindset of the offending party, I do have the wherewithal to suggest a number of scenarios that could play out, leaving me with a warm feeling inside the cockles of my heart.

Yup. Cockles.

Scenario #1: Fat Joe reveals an astounding knowledge of Eastern European history by correctly informing a contestant that Budapest was results from the unification of two separate cities, Buda and Pest, via the Szechenyi Chain Bridge, the name of which he is able to pronounce in a virtually flawless Hungarian accent.

The Budpest Baths, a place Fat Joe may or may not be familiar with.

After the contestant agrees with him, Fat Joe celebrates by firing a pistol into the air several time, then slurring the phrase “Fuck the haters.”

Scenario #2: Bottom right square Mac Miller informs the contestants and host Peter Roseberg that he would gladly change spots with them so he could catch a glimpse of Lil’ Kim in the top center square and “see dem titties.”

Scenario #3: Xzibit pimps out his square with a fern and a goldfish bowl.

Scenario #4: The pilot episode needs to be reshot after all nine entries fail to demonstrate even a basic grasp of the premise of tic-tac-toe.

Scenario #5: Any celebrity participant makes history by correctly answering a question while receiving a blow job from some chickenhead.

You get the idea. Unfortunately, MTV rarely allows such colossal screw-ups to occur, preferring their shows to end with a dull fizzle, rather than an explosion. Consequently, while we hope for Armageddon, we’ll probably be left with more mumbling, bleeped profanity, and general nonsense than anything else.

Maybe, just maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get one rapper climbing up to another rapper’s square affording the latter the opportunity to “say it to his face.”

It’s days like this that I’m proud to call myself a journalist.

One could make the assumption that the baby’s father is her boyfriend Jionni LaVelle, but that would be a very dangerous assumption because Snooki is a huge whore and anyone could be the father. I was doing the math to see how long it had been since I slept with her, but it’s been like five months, so she would totally be showing right now if I was the dad.

It will be the 24-year-old’s first child, but almost certainly not her first pregnancy. Snooki had dismissed rumors that she was pregnant, but now tells TMZ that she didn’t want to jinx it, which is funny, because this baby’s actually been jinxed since it was conceived.

How will this affect Jersey Shore‘s upcoming seasons?

Shut up. That’s how it will affect it.

No such luck. Carson is more autonomous than it seems, according to a recent interview with Vulture. In it, he reveals, “No. I’ve never seen Jersey Shore. That’s not to knock it, it’s just not what I watch.”

It’s ok, Carson. You can knock it. We do all the time here at Screen Junkies, and our traffic has been trending upward something fierce.

In the interview, Carson also revealed that he had a revelation at Scores strip club with Lars Ulrich and Kid Rock, packs a flask when he has to do red carpet events, and works enough gigs to make Seacrest blush. (Besides The Voice, Daly does a four-hour radio show and his late-night show Last Call.)

But the big takeaway here is that he hates Jersey Shore as much as everyone else does.

HOWEVER…these additional chapters can’t happen without financing in place, and you may have heard that R. Kelly is currently not terribly liquid, so he’s currently looking for “investors” for the project. I like thinking of financing an R. Kelly video as an “investment.”

Don (a CPA): So Bill, are you prepared to make the same contribution to your Roth IRA that you did last year to enjoy the tax shelter?

Bill: Well, I would, but most of my funds are currently invested in R. Kelly at the moment.

Don: I see.

Hmm. That’s all I can think of. Wow. It’s been kind of a crappy stretch for new celebs, no?

Punk’d has never been the type of show that lets crappiness get in the way of anything, so MTV has announced that Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg, the show’s creators, will be producing a new run of Punk’d episodes. They haven’t announced who will be hosting the show; that announcement will come during MTV‘s New Year’s Eve spectacular, which is one more reason I won’t be tuning in to MTV’s New Year’s Eve spectacular.

Here’s my shortlist of possible hosts for the new iteration of the show:

• Nick Cannon
• Selena Gomez
• 7,000 other shitty celebrities I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire

Yo! MTV Raps

Hip-hop owes everything to Yo! MTV Raps. The show was the only legit source for finding cutting edge rap and hip-hop videos, not to mention glorious trainwreck interviews like the one above. This served as a springboard for hosts Ed Lover and Dr. Dre who went on to make the comedy, Who Da Man? It is perhaps the finest film about guys who know a lot of rappers and are also cops.

Sifl & Olly

Liam Lynch took recordings he made with childhood Matt Crocco and acted them out with the socks off his feet. MTV UK took a liking to them and began to run the clips in commercial blocks. This lead to a half-hour Sifl & Olly show on MTV in America. This proved that you really could find success by trying to crack up your stoned friends.

120 Minutes

Before alternative music took over, there was really only one place to watch it. For two hours every Sunday night, MTV would air videos from bands like The Smiths, Radiohead, and Sonic Youth. It was an awesome showcase of acts that you wouldn’t find through more mainstream channels and helped alternative music to break through in a big way.

Tonya Cooley, star of 2002′s Real World: Chicago, is suing MTV, claiming that when she passed out on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins, a castmate inserted a toothbrush into her vagina and rubbed her labia with it. Gross. She alleges that all this took place while the cameras were rolling, and MTV did nothing to stop it.

Considering how shitty and trashy this show has become in recent years, I wouldn’t put it past a cast member to do this sort of thing, nor MTV to sit idly by while it happens.

MTV offers in its standard Real World reality contract:

• Producers are under no obligation to conduct background checks on your fellow cast members.
• Interacting with other cast members carries the risk of “non-consensual physical contact” and should you contract AIDS, etc. during such an interaction, MTV is not responsible.

With so many excellent episodes under their belt, it’s hard to choose a favorite, but here are my picks. Kick back and enjoy. There’s enough boobs, butts, and bloodshed here for everybody.

Customers Suck – Episode 03

As anyone who has ever worked in retail or food service knows, customers truly suck. Much like the deli scene in The Wrestler, this episode of Beavis and Butthead captures this phenomenon perfectly. Look at the way they keep showing up and wanting things. Dillholes.

1-900-Beavis – Episode 70

Commercials for 900 numbers ruled the airwaves in the days before Internet porn. It was big industry. Naturally, Beavis and Butthead wanted to get in on this. The show also adeptly points out that the hotties on the other end of the line are likely hulking bus drivers.

Top O’ The Mountain – Episode 110

Seeing a real living boob as a teenager can be as difficult and gratifying as climbing Everest itself. If not more. Beavis and Butthead went to great lengths to see the top of the mountain. The journey was good.

As such, Taylor Lautner has done nothing to my benefit, but occupies a spot in my brain that probably used to hold the quadratic equation or the significance of the Magna Carta or the Battle of Hastings.

God damn you, Lautner. If only you weren’t an actor, I’d have that knowledge back. As such, here are a few jobs I wish Taylor Lautner had instead of “actor.”

Blimp Pilot

Like I said, I have no problem with Lautner, I just think he’s probably not a good actor. For instance, he’s a good-looking guy, but in Hollywood, that and fifty cents will get you a Coke (not coke, mind you, but rather a soda). However, if he held some other job, I might be able to appreciate him a little more.

If I won a trip on the MetLife blimp to get an aerial view of the women’s semifinals at the US Open, I would want to meet the pilot, because when I step into a floating balloon, I like know who’s in charge of my safety. Right then, out of the cabin, Lautner would step around the corner and extend his hand.

“Hi, I’m Taylor Lautner, but please, call me Pilot Taylor.”
“You betcha, Taylor. Thanks for the opportunity this afternoon.”
“Seriously, folks, it’s my pleasure. Is the wife I presume?”

My wife and I would then sit wherever one sits in a blimp and discuss how impressive it is that such a handsome man is a blimp pilot.

Chipmunk Veterinarian

I am keeping it intentionally vague as to whether I mean a vet that treats chipmunks or a general vet that has many chipmunk-like characteristics.

While it would be impressive if he (or anyone, for that matter) was to become a veterinarian, it would be soooo much cooler if he became a veterinarian that exclusively treated chipmunks. Because he so much resembles a chipmunk himself.

Everyone would be all, “I heard that, while in the womb, a small part of his DNA was spliced with chipmunk DNA, and now he feels a kinship to them, so he’s dedicated his life to treating chipmunks to ensure that they have the highest quality of life of any rodent.”

And some other dude would be like, “No, no, no. I heard that he liked chipmunks from a young age and he has spent so much time with them, that he has begun to take on chipmunk characteristics.”

And then the hipster guy in on the conversation would be all, “I was into chipmunks a long time ago, but they’re kinda played out now.”

Kevin Spacey’s Assistant

I’m sure Lautner is very hard-working, so he could complete all the duties required of a personal assistant, but I think the whole time, people would be a little suspect of the arrangement. They’d be all, “Did you see Spacey’s new assistant? What’s his name? Travis? What do you think is going on there? You don’t think…NO! NO WAY!”

And then someone else would be like “Dude. It makes sense. Think about it. When was the last time you saw Kevin Spacey with a date? He took his mom to the Oscars in 1996. I mean, I’m sure the kid makes a good latte and everything, but it’s a little hard to ignore.”

Summer is coming to a close, which means that it’s time for MTV to awkwardly pretend like they still celebrate music by rolling out their Video Music Awards yet again. Every year millions of people to tune in to see how they skirt the elephant in the room, be it by dropping Borat from the ceiling or by simply screaming at the top of their lungs, “LADY GAGA IS OVER THERE…AND SHE’S DOING STUFF!”

This year, even MTV didn’t expect audiences to sit through the entire show, so they took the liberty of breaking up their broadcast into easily digestible and poopable segments on their website. I’m going to run through some of the highlights, so if for some weird reason you want to reference any section’s video clip (which I can’t really recommend), jump to the corresponding clip number on MTV’s website.

1. The show opened up with a shocking Lady Gaga performance. Well, it was shocking in that Lady Gaga put on the most boring performance in the history of the VMA’s. Dressed as a very ugly and convincing man, Gaga came out to perform “You and I.” (Aside: It’s disconcerting how many times I try to type “Gaga” and it just comes out “Gags.” My hands are smarter than I give them credit for.) Queen guitarist Brian May came out shortly thereafter, which seemed to impress Dave Grohl, and possibly the mouse in his pocket, but that’s about it. Lady Gaga also managed to incorporate the phrase “MTV Video Music Awards” into her song, which means that we can stop being interesting in Lady Gaga right around now. At the same time, Adele was not impressed.

Lady Gags.

2. The first presenter set the tone for the whole awards ceremony, when the audience reacted with “Who in the mother of fuck is this guy?” when “comedian” “Kevin” “Hart” took the stage to present the “first” “award.”

Ok. In this overview, I’m inclined to put almost every pertinent word in quotes, if only because it’s damn near impossible to take anything contained in this broadcast as a sincere gesture of anything.

Where were we? That’s right. “Kevin” “Black Comedian” “Hart” took the stage to tell us a) Why Lady Gaga is soooooo shocking, and b) why MTV “decided” to not have a host for this year’s awards. MTV’s decision to jettison the host was actually a sound one, as it far better to just move the show along than it is to have Chelsea Handler talking about how crazy Lady Gaga’s dress made from orphan tears is.

3. Let’s move on to the first “wacky” matchup of the night. Jonah had to really sell his bit to the Ritalin-addled audience, but it was Jonah Hill, so even though the bit seemed to fall flat, it was still charming in that it was Jonah Hill standing next to the hip-hop Chiquita Banana lady. In a bit that hinges on the unfuniness of the presenters, this bit manages to be wildly unfunny. Points for the producers, writers, and presenters on getting so very meta on us. Also, points for letting us know that Jonah Hill lost weight, in case we didn’t have an internet connection or eyeballs.

Nicki Minaj, flaunting the ice cream paint job around her neck.

Worth noting: The 14th cut to Russell Brand in the audience, looking just as bewildered as I do as we watch this slow-motion train-wreck.

Wait! You know what could save this show from banality? Has Lady Gaga come out yet? She has? Shit. The producers may have shot their wad a little early on that one. Are the Osbournes nostalgic yet? They’re not? This is going to be a long night.

Fortunately, the awkward pairing of Jonah and Nicki introduces the nominees for Best Pop Video, which I’m pretty sure is synonymous with every other category that will be presented tonight. Katy Perry gets the nod for “Last Friday Night,” an anthem for younger teenage girls which encourages them to go get date-raped every weekend, chalk it up to experience, then do it again the next weekend.

Meanwhile, co-star Liam Hemsworth provides a voice-over pep talk reminding her not to get killed. Then flaming trees fall before her at every step. Who is she hunting? Dragons??

Freddy Krueger

One of the most infamous villains in movie history, Freddy Krueger’s metier is haunting you while you sleep, invading your dreams, murdering you in your dream, and causing you to die in real life. It might be kind of tough to incarcerate him, since he’s deceased and all, and he’s already survived several Nightmare on Elm Street movies, including one rumble with Jason. But it’s indisputable that the streets would be a little safer with him locked away.

Count Orlok

Consider this nasty-looking cat a stand-in for every evil vampire in movies. After all, he came before Bela Lugosi’s Count Dracula, the shit-kicking vampires in Near Dark, and the shirtless glittery vampires in the Twilight movies. Unlike those guys, who use their vampire powers to make themselves suave and attractive, the undateable Count Orlok was proud to let his freak flag fly. He’s still a threat, though, as all powerful and bloodthirsty vampires tend to be. Lock ‘im up!

Unnamed Demon in Paranormal Activity

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the villain in a movie with “paranormal” right in the title. This guy’s crimes aren’t quite at the same large scale of the last two villains, but he could definitely benefit from some paranormal 3 hots and a cot all the same. And with the Paranormal Activity sequels becoming the next Saw series, this demon’s probably going to be on the warpath for years to come.

Pazuzu

The name might not be familiar to you, so here’s a refresher: It’s the demon who causes all that wacky mischief in The Exorcist and its assorted off-shoots. His crimes don’t need to be recounted here, but suffice it to say that taking the literal embodiment of evil into custody would be a notch on any law enforcement professional’s belt.

Lord Voldemort

Voldemort, as notorious paranormal villains go, is pretty dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that most in the paranormal law enforcement field are too afraid to even speak his name. Now, a lot of you are probably thinking that Voldemort was vanquished in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II, to which I say: ‘pffft.’ That guy’s probably hiding out in Brazil until the heat dies down. He needs to be caught, put in jail, and made to think about his actions.

6 photosAshley Rickards

MTV’s new show stars Rickards as Jenna, high school girl who starts to get attention after an accident is mistaken for a suicide attempt. Even walking around in a neck brace and cast, Jenna’s the girl I would hang out with. In person at MTV’s cocktail party for the Television Critics Association, Rickards looked like a star with high heels and a designer blazer over an aqua dress. It wasn’t awkward (I don’t think) when I stopped her to ask a few questions about her new show.

Q: I think you’re a lovely girl. How do you feel awkward when your fans think you’re great?

Ashley Rickards: This whole show is a message to all of them and we love them so much. We made the show for them. I think the show transcends the teenage years. I think you can pluck out the players and the setting and put it in any stage of life. The topics that we explore are friendship, pushing the limits, what aspects do you need in a relationship, physical and emotional and which one should come first.

Q: Is awkward just my type?

AR: I hope so. I hope that’s a lot of people’s type. I think Jenna’s a great girl and that’s one of the messages of our show. Smart girls win eventually.

Q: What is coming up in future episodes?

AR: Wow, we have coffee down a bra. Jillian [Rose Reed] spits in my face. It’s actually her saliva on my actual face. Jenna wears heels which is a big deal. Jenna gets to wear some lipstick. It’s going to be exciting.

Q: What do you love about Jenna?

AR: She’s very reserved but she’s intuitive. She’s also very introspective and non judgmental which I think the general public could really take a lesson from. One of the most striking things about Jenna is how kind she is to Sadie, the mean girl because she sees that there’s a reason why Sadie’s being that way. She doesn’t instantly jump on the bandwagon of being really mean to Sadie.

Q: That’s like Gandhi. He said you should love your enemies because they’re lacking love.

AR: I like Gandhi. I have a picture of him in my house. Gandhi inspired Jenna. No, that would be interesting if Awkward were centered around Gandhi. First of all, I don’t think it would be called Gandhi.

Q: What were the MTV shows you watched growing up?

AR: I loved True Life, My So-Called Life. I did even catch a little bit of Daria.

Q: Are you excited that Beavis and Butt-Head are back?

AR: I’m so excited! I remember I think I was about seven staying at my aunt’s house and my mom said, “Hey, you can’t let her watch South Park or Beavis and Butt-Head.” To this day, those are my two favorite shows. It’s not only because they’re awesome, but it’s a little bit because my mom told me I couldn’t. But I was seven so I understand why.

Q: Where does the season finale leave Jenna?

AR: It leaves her alone in her room. I cannot elaborate on that but you’ll see. It’s a big turning point.

Awkward airs Tuesdays at 11 on MTV.

There was still so much more to discuss though. Judge had said that he’s having Beavis and Butt-Head review movies, Siskel and Ebert style. We saw clips of a fat Beavis and Butt-Head, old Beavis and Butt-Head on scooters, and of course the great “Holy Cornholio” episode shown at Comic-Con.

Comic-Con 2011: Mike Judge Unveils New 'Beavis And Butt-Head' Footage

MTV held a cocktail party poolside in Beverly Hills with the stars of their summer and fall line-up. When Judge saw me, he knew I was the guy with lots of Beavis and Butt-Head questions, so this time he indulged me at length.

Q: What movies are you having Beavis and Butt-Head review?

Mike Judge: So far I’ve just done one, Human Centipede.

Q: Oh my God, that’s perfect!

MJ: Yeah, when I saw it, in fact that gave me the idea, I’ve got to have Beavis and Butt-Head review this. That’s the only one I’ve done so far and one of the things I have them do after they show a clip of the movie is I have them talking about how there’s going to be a Sex and the City 3, why don’t they combine it with a Human Centipede sequel and just have those girls all get lost in the forest, the doctor strings them all together and you get two sequels in one. Since I’ve done that, now there is a sequel to Human Centipede. It’ll still play hopefully. That’s part of the reason we’re waiting is we want to do a movie that’s just coming out. We have this animated set of them on a Siskel and Ebert like set.

Q: Are there studios that would let you see a rough cut to start writing and time it to a release of a movie?

MJ: Yeah, we’ve talked about doing that. Luckily, with that kind of stuff, it’s what we call repurposing, same with the videos. So it’s a little quicker turnaround.

Q: Would a mainstream studio allow you to Beavis and Butt-Head one of their films?

MJ: Yeah, they would but as far as putting it on DVD down the road, probably not. I think you have to go to the actors and stuff like that to do it.

Q: Well, you’re part of the Paramount family. You could at least coordinate with them.

MJ: Yeah, I think we’re going to do it for some. If it doesn’t end up being sellable on DVD and Netlflix then we’ll just do it for the time being just for fun.

Q: I love the “Holy Cornholio” episode. Did you ever think you’d bring spiritual depth to that character?

MJ: No, that started out very small, just going off on a tangent, just being goofy and then building on it and building on it. I got this really great feedback before it aired, just from people who worked on the show, just when I would say the name, it doesn’t mean anything. But then I started thinking of just making it sound more and more grand even though it’s this stupid little thing.

Q: The fat animation is hilarious, but I always wondered, they eat nachos all the time anyway. How are they so skinny?

MJ: That’s a good question. I spent a lot of time going back and forth on those drawings of them fat. Because of what you just mentioned, they’re eating crap all the time anyway but I just figured maybe if they’re really trying, because they think they’re going to get laid, then they’ll eat way more than usual and gorge themselves beyond what they normally would do. It was a fine line. When you make them fat, they automatically look old. If it’s baby fat, it looks too cute. I just wanted to come up with something that looked funny and I think they have a funny look.

Q: Is there an episode where they’re old and on scooters?

MJ: Yeah, it’s a short bit at the end of an episode. That’s another thing I want to do more of. That’s at the end of an episode. I’m thinking of doing an entire episode where they’re in their late ‘80s. I can always imagine them being in their teens and in their ‘80s but in between is tough for me.

Q: The best part of the video segments was when they had random conversations. My favorite was when Beavis started making pancakes. Can you still do that this time?

MJ: Oh yeah, quite a bit. I still do a lot of that. What’s kind of new and where I really felt like I hit a stride with this one and got a bunch of new information was having them watch Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant. I’d never had them watch shows with dialogue before. I just decided to play it like they’ve just seen every episode, because I have teenage daughters so I became very familiar with it. Also I gotta admit oddly and modestly, I got a little hooked on it myself. That was a new thing but then a couple of those, they just talk about whatever. So yeah, I still do that.

Q: Could there be another movie at some point?

MJ: Yeah, I guess so. I feel like I have a couple pretty good movie ideas that I’ve saved. I was going to maybe do two parter TV episodes but I ended up not.

Comic-Con 2011: Mike Judge Unveils New 'Beavis And Butt-Head' Footage

We know now that Beavis and Butt-Head will watch and give commentary on shows like Jersey Shore, 16 And Pregnant, UFC fights and internet viral videos. Judge promised some movie reviews too. “We got a little thing where they’re kind of like Siskel and Ebert reviewing a movie,” Judge said.

Judge actually tried branching out from music videos in the original series, but it didn’t work until MTV’s latest crop of reality TV. “We tried The Real World back in the day and for some reason it didn’t click. I watched a lot of Jersey Shore and now I’m hooked on it. It really clicked. It was just paydirt, 16 and Pregnant and all this.”

Judge promised they would also still watch music videos. With October 27 still months away, there’s time to work out the deals. They’re still waiting on Lady Gaga, but have the following confirmed. “Let’s see, Deadmaus. Yolanda B Cool. MGMT, T Baby It’s So Cold in the D. YouTube that.”

These videos will all be on the eventual DVD sets too. “That’s the other thing. The original run, the videos were only cleared for MTV so that’s why it’s very hard to get those on DVD. Now they’re going to be all cleared for everything.”

Beavis and Butt-Head are no longer hand drawn cell animation, but Judge made sure they look the same. “I think the digital process has gotten a lot better. Beavis and Butt-Head still look crappy. I’m using the same model sheets but ‘look better’ in the way I think looks better. It’s Hi-def but there are a lot of differences. To me it still feels like them to fans.”

Unfortunately, Judge confirmed, they have still never scored. Here’s hopin’.

A word from Desi: (From her Twitter) ”Spent an hr sweating, squeezing a ball btwn my thighs & trying not to throw up on the girl next to me. Finally got that college experience.”

MTV really has their finger on the pulse of what it is their viewers want. The new season premieres August 4th.

6 photosJulianne Hough

The story seems to be the exact same as the Kevin Bacon original, except now the high school students are crumping. Because all kids in 2011, even in the small towns, crump almost daily. The census taught us that.

John Lithgow‘s big, bad dad is now played by Dennis Quaid. Hmm…what else? The lead character shows up for the first day of school in a hipster tie, so it’s hard to feel sorry about everything that happens to him from that point on. Then Julianne Hough comes in with her attitude and sunglasses and hips. I like that.

And from there characters appear to race modified school buses in a junkyard. What? Yes.

I almost thought it would cold open with the wolf out in the mirror, but no it was just a fake out and a silly intro of Stiles (Dylan O’Brien). They want to go find a dead body? That’s something high schoolers do? That’s when Scott McCall (Tyler Posey) gets bitten by a wolf, so it’s a totally ordinary rehash of The Wolf Man.

I don’t see why they had to lose the whole family history. That would be even more interesting in a drama. A wolf bite is just random and you lose the generational relationship where he could learn from or repeat his father’s mistakes. I think this Scott has a single mom, because that’s more relatable to today’s broken homes. The case of the body keeps coming up and sounds stupid like teen CSI.

Well groomed kids walk around school looking at hot cars, ignore lame teachers and talk about fashion. The background soundtrack of “TRL” hits makes it sound like an MTV vehicle, which is all it is. At least a house party looks like a long lost episode of “The Grind.” They even drop references to changing a song on your iPod. It’s very forced to sound like it’s in touch with the youth culture who have these crazy devices that distract them from driving. I know I’m no longer attuned to how teenagers talk, but I know bad writing. It only gets worse when Scott starts describing his wolf symptoms.

The powers are the same only now his super hearing picks up distant cell phones. Oh, and when a whistle hurts his ears, it’s a coach’s whistle. Okay folks, the reason the dog whistle hurt Michael J. Fox’s ears was to demonstrate he could hear nonhuman frequencies. The coach’s whistle just causes discomfort. There’s nothing creative or dramatic about that. Scott throws furniture around when he gets angry, so this truly is no more interesting than puberty and dealing with body changes.

I don’t mind changing the sport to lacrosse. I grew up in a lacrosse town so I know it’s a big deal. The show seems defensive about it though. They keep trying to tell you how cool lacrosse is. Visually, it’s not as striking to see Scott catch lacrosse balls as it was to see Fox dribble and dunk. If they eventually have wolf Scott with fur sticking out of a lacrosse uniform, that will be awesome. The wolf himself looks like you’d expect a TV makeup job to look. Cable TV, not network level makeup like “Buffy.”

The characters are so stupid. There’s the hyper pepped up coach, the sensitive hottie Allison Argent (Crystal Reed), the juiced up jock. The introduction of wolf hunters only promises more clichéd subplots. This Scott works in an animal clinic. Come on, guys. Those aren’t creative developments. It’s not ironic that he works with animals and then he becomes one. Or maybe it would be if it was important to his personality, but it’s just a job they inserted into his character profile on the screenplay template.

This show is so stupid. Maybe it’s trying to cram too much into a pilot, but I won’t watch any more to find out. I’m pretty confident this is the artistic direction of MTV’s “Teen Wolf.”

“Teen Wolf” premieres June 5 at 11.

7 photosCrystal Reed

So please, dear reader, stay out Dead Body Woods. That place is full of things that kill bodies.

“Teen Wolf” premieres June 5th after the Movie Awards.

So it’s no surprise that MTV gave Mike Sorrentino, aka The Situation, aka the one who pulls his shirt up at you, a development deal. He’ll film some kind of pilot later this year. I’m sure The Situation has a lot of bold, Peabody Award winning television show concepts scrawled into his moleskine notebooks. Granted, most of the pages are probably filled with crude drawings of his own abs, but I’m sure whoever’s Co-Executive Producing can work with that. Here’s what Sorrentino has to say about all this:

“I’m excited to continue my relationship with MTV, which has been home for me for the last couple of years,” Sorrentino said. “I’m really grateful for all the support from my fans. Hopefully, there will be plenty more situations in the future.”

His nickname is “The Situation,” you see. Meanwhile, not only has”Jersey Shore” been renewed, but 2012 will bring us Variety)

Also, how the hell did they get on that bus? I’d always thought those doors were kept locked. Looks like Daddy just found a new place to squat. (MTV)

MTV has gone ahead and green lighted two Jersey Shore“ spin-offs which means ‘doing nothing’ will soon be considered a viable career path in our society. One show will follow DJ Pauly D as he sets off on tour to highlight his talent of playing other peoples’ music. The second show is a reality show starring Snooki and JWoww. Having formed a tight bond on “Jersey Shore,” the new program will focus on their friendship as they get hammered on vodka and by really muscular dudes.

It’s easy to sit here in this coffee shop on my brother’s laptop and rail against how unfair it is that these guys are millionaires. But, honestly, there’s no reason to hate. Pauly D and Snooki are both really entertaining in their own right. And JWoww… well… hmmm. Knockers are pretty entertaining, I guess. I’ll reserve my anger for when Vinnie gets his own show. (Deadline)

Now, Catfish is becoming”Catfish,” a series on MTV. It’s retaining the documentary format and the creative team of the movie, and will presumably be about the intrigue that occurs when online couples meet for the first time. Can we get Chris Hansen involved in this please? It seems like his wheelhouse. Also, is the band Hanson busy? They should probably get in on this too. (via Variety)

In a bid to draw the ire of pretentious Anglophiles by slowly Americanizing every British series, the network has just green lighted a new version of “Inbetweeners” to series. Based on the hit UK series of the same name, the series stars Joey Pollari (Avalon High), Bubba Lewis (To Save a Life), The Virginity Hit star Zack Pearlman and Mark L. Young (“Big Love“) as four young men too cool to be considered nerds and not cool enough to be considered bangable by their female classmates.

Sounds like a certain writing staff of a certain website that we’re all familiar with around here.  I’m looking in your direction, Ask.com. (Deadline)

Here’s how Executive Producer Jeff Davis (Criminal Minds) describes it, without using the dreaded “T” word:

“When I first talked to MTV about it, I said what if we do it kind of like The Lost Boys with kind of the pace and fun of Buffy. We’ve had comparisons to Vampire Diaires. That’s a very brooding melodrama. This exists far closer to Buffy.”

Uh, yeah. Seems like the brooding melodrama description is right on the money, as far as this trailer is concerned. Speaking of “right on the money,” why wouldn’t MTV want some of that Twilight cash while it’s still floating around there? Werewolves are the new vampires – or so MTV executives hope and pray each night. (Entertainment Weekly)