The new red-band trailer for LEGION hit the nets today and it looks like a winner so far.  Paul Bettany stars as a loose-cannon version of Michael the Archangel, who comes down to Earth against God’s wishes in order to ensure the savior of humanity currently incubating in his mother’s womb survives an onslaught of evil demons.  Phew. It’s like the Catholic church rewrote the script for TERMINATOR 2 and managed to keep the badassitude. 

If only the Bible had calculating-ass, glock-wielding angels and demon grandmas dropping F-bombs before tearing off people’s faces, maybe I would have stayed Catholic. Maybe after Monopoly, Candyland and Battleship, a studio can give the Bible a much needed cinematic update (with a cameo from Brendan Fraser and music by Kid Rock, of course.)

Here are your decidedly most unholy links of the day:

_{Ashley Smith Appears To Not Own A Bathing Suit (Gorillamask)}

_{How To Get A Bartender’s Attention (Holytaco)}

_{Neverending Story Van Lady Vs. Filmdrunkards (Filmdrunk)}

_{25 Funny Misspelled Tattoos (Manofest)}

_{Duck Hunter Minus The Classic Game Console (Walyou)}

_{The Worst Book To Film Adaptations Ever (Pajiba)}

_{23 Movie Plots That Could’ve Been Solved In Minutes (Cracked)}

_{Town Hall Internal Memos (Maxim)}

_{Jude Law’s Baby Mama Photo Album (Celebjihad)}

_{The Cost In US Dollars To Fall In Love (Mademan)}

_{Brock Lesnar Ruins Bud Light (Cagepotato)}

_{When Video Game Characters Turn To Acting (Unreality)}

_{How To Properly Torture An Alien (Asylum)}

_{Amanda Is America’s Hottest Community College Student (Bustedcoverage)}

_{The 15 Ugliest Soccer Players In The World (Uncoached)}

_{Rally Car Drivers Vs. Lake (Regretfulmorning)}

_{Zipline Tree Collision Prevents Man From Reproducing (Nothingtoxic)}

_{Ne Ninja Assassin Photos (Filmofilia)}

Above is the first official trailer for cursed-but-dogged director Terry Gilliam’s THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS.  That poor ex-Python man just can’t seem to make a movie without something going horribly wrong.  Before it was natural disasters shutting down THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE (check out the documentary LOST IN LA MANCHA to see what I mean) and this time is was the tragic death of the lead actor (Heath Ledger).  But like Dr. Parnassus, Gilliam wouldn’t let mortality stop him, and not only kept Ledger in the film, but also added three others to round out the part of "Tony."  You can see Ledger plus Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell all in the clip above, which was said to have made Frank Caliendo‘s mimicry boner explode.

Okay, Junkies, here are your weekend links…

_{If GI Joe Worked In Your Office (Holytaco)}

_{Mafia Hitman Says No To Channing Tatum (Filmdrunk)}

_{Fat People Breaking Things With Their Fatness (Manofest)}

_{Pillow With A Light In It Doesn’t Seem Conducive To Sleeping (Walyou)}

_{Nathan Fillion Endorses Ryan Reynolds A Green Lantern (Pajiba)}

_{The Truth Behind "Real Monsters" That Fooled The Internet (Cracked)}

_{10 Batsh*t Crazy Paula Abdul Replacements (Coedmagazine)}

_{How To Start Your Own Religion (Mademan)}

_{Edith Labelle Leaves UFC In Suspicious Fashion (Cagepotato)}

_{10 Realistic Wonder Woman Candidates (Unreality)}

_{Phobias For The 21st Century (Asylum)}

_{Lamont Jordan On Las Vegas Hitlist (Bustedcoverage)}

_{10 Amazing Time Lapse Videos (Uncoached)}

_{Extreme Water Sliding Should Be A Sport (Regretfulmorning)}

_{Chipotle-Flavored Beer? (Bachelorguy)}

_{Jessica Simpson Is In Full Meltdown Mode (Moondogsports)}

_{Old Man Gets Tazered At The Ball Game (Nothingtoxic)}

_{A Tribute To The 80s In Memory Of John Hughes (Atomfilms)}

_{Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, And Steve Martin In Romcom Together (Filmofilia)}

The director responsible for a string of classics passed away yesterday. John Hughes reportedly suffered a fatal heart attack while visiting family in Manhattan. He was 59. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, and Sixteen Candles (amongst others) will always be held in high regard around here. Screen Junkies would like to pass on our condolescences to the family and friends of Mr. Hughes. (AP)

Don’t you forget about these morning links…

Just a friendly reminder from Screen Junkies to never piss off Elisabeth Shue. We here at the site absolutely love this thespian and her solid body of work. Even Hide and Seek. With guns like those she could have easily been cast at Thor.

(Photo: TMZ)

The Final Destination trailer premieres…. on Friday. Sorry if I got your hopes up. (Dread Central)

Dead Snow trailer is dead-Nazi-riffic! (The Playlist)

Scream 4 set to become mockery of itself. (Empire)

Scott Pilgrim vs. The Avengers. (/Film)

First pic of Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex. Read it and weep, Thomas Jane. (Cinematical)

Director: Nimród Antal

Cast: Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne, Jean Reno, Columbus Short, Skeet Ulrich

Synopsis: A newbie guard for at armored truck company is coerced by his veteran coworkers to steal a truck containing $42 million. But a wrinkle in their supposedly foolproof plan divides the group, leading to a potentially deadly resolution.

Genre: Thriller

Release Date: September 18, 2009