Screen Junkies » movie list http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 19 Sep 2014 21:04:14 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 6 Actors Who Need to Play a Villain http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-actors-who-need-to-play-a-villain/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/6-actors-who-need-to-play-a-villain/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 It's tough being a movie star. When actors find success or make it big they tend to stick to the same projects and stories that have made them a houshold name. Yes, I'm shooting you the stink-eye, Eddie Murphy, with all your Nutty Professors, Doctor Doolittles, and Daddy Day Cares. But then an actor will go and do something out of nowhere. Murphy in Harlem Nights and Dreamgirls showed his dramatic range even if the movies were not complete successes. So here are a few suggestions on meatier roles certain actors should consider before diving into that next dashing lead or crusading hero part.  Mel Gibson - SS Nazi Officer

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It’s tough being a movie star. When actors find success or make it big they tend to stick to the same projects and stories that have made them a houshold name. Yes, I’m shooting you the stink-eye, Eddie Murphy, with all your Nutty Professors, Doctor Doolittles, and Daddy Day Cares. But then an actor will go and do something out of nowhere. Murphy in Harlem Nights and Dreamgirls showed his dramatic range even if the movies were not complete successes. So here are a few suggestions on meatier roles certain actors should consider before diving into that next dashing lead or crusading hero part.
 

Mel Gibson – SS Nazi Officer

He’s played the tiresome one-man crusader too many times. In fact his last film, Edge of Darkness, should have been called Edge of I’m Gettin’ Too Old For This Sh*t. Audiences would love to see Mel as a villain on-screen for once. Give him a juicy role as a SS Nazi Officer in the next World War 2 epic a la Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.  Remember, Harrison Ford played the villain in What Lies Beneath and got a lot of credit for being an actor and not just another billion-dollar-making face. Also please notice I didn’t mention that Gibson already has some familiarity with not being the biggest fan of Jews. …Oops.

 

Will Ferrell – Blue Collar Wife Beater

We saw a glimmer of dramatic brilliance in him with Stranger Than Fiction, and it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tap into that again. With The Other Guys coming out this summer it looks like the same old schtick. We need to see Will’s ranting and raving be put to better and more original use. It’s time for him to display his acting chops as a blue collar wife beating husband. Think Five Easy Pieces meets A Streetcar Name Desire with him yelling out a good “Stella!" sans the usual man-child arm flailing that usually accompanies his verbal tirades.

 

Tom Cruise – Serial Killer

With another Mission Impossible movie on the way, Cruise needs to be looking for roles where he can be as crazy and violent as he wants to be. He can be very intense and sadistic at times like Tropic Thunder’s Les Grossman, Magnolia’s Frank T.J Mackey, and Collateral’s Vincent. With his never-aging good looks he should embody the role of a charming Ted Bundy-like serial killer. Giving him the villain part in the next Seven or Silence of the Lambs of psychological horror movies could make back the money he has lost with the United Artists deal.

 

Zac Efron – Skinhead

As he is trying to be taken more seriously with dramatic fare (Me and Orson Welles, Charlie St. Cloud over Footloose remake), Zac should consider the all important, Oscar catnip disturbing role. Skinhead characters of the past have worked for good looking young actors like Edward Norton and Ryan Gosling to grab the audience by the throat and send a chill down its spine. Time for Zac to trade in his dancing shoes for a pair of weathered steel toe boots. As long as he’s reformed by the end of the film, the girls and creepy middle-aged mothers, who have no business swooning over a kid their son’s age, won’t like him any less.

 

Kate Winslet – Sociopathic Ax Murderer

She can play just about any part, and since she’s earned her Oscar (for playing a Nazi. Wink, wink, Efron) she can pretty much do anything she wants. Most actors who win their Academy Awards go main stream with their next big performance, but it would be great to see Kate in a period piece horror film like "The Lizzy Borden Story." She could give that kind of movie 40 good bloody whacks.

 

Russell Crowe – Pimp

He has played many crusaders and commanders lately, but he started out in his career as a villain in Romper Stomper and Virtuosity. Let’s get him back on the gritty streets like in L.A. Confidential, but this time as a crack addicted pimp with little patience for trifflin’ hoes. He’d smack Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver upside the head with the jeweled handle of his cain. Crowe is always up for a challenge even if it fails – just look at his try at comedy in A Good Year. If Frank Lucas was played by him instead of Denzel Washington in American Gangster, that could have been a revelation. He’d don a purple fur hat. Your argument that the real Frank Lucas is black is invalid.

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12 Most Watchable Foreign Flicks http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-most-watchable-foreign-flicks/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/12-most-watchable-foreign-flicks/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 It's hard for most American moviegoers to get into reading subtitles, so here are 13 movies that make reading the subtitle cards worth it. This way the masses can enjoy a film from another part of the world and feel superior to their friends. Plus, Gael Garcia Bernal deserves more recognition from people who only speak English. ? ?  CITY OF GODImagine Goodfellas in Brazil. The rapid fire editing, music, and action sequences make this almost 2 and half hour movie in the streets of Rio de Janero a sensational piece of cinema. You'll never turn your attention toward the clock while watching it. Portuguese hasn't been this engaging since your housekeeper got in a fight over the phone with her brother.

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It’s hard for most American moviegoers to get into reading subtitles, so here are 13 movies that make reading the subtitle cards worth it. This way the masses can enjoy a film from another part of the world and feel superior to their friends. Plus, Gael Garcia Bernal deserves more recognition from people who only speak English. 
 
 

 

CITY OF GOD

Imagine Goodfellas in Brazil. The rapid fire editing, music, and action sequences make this almost 2 and half hour movie in the streets of Rio de Janero a sensational piece of cinema. You’ll never turn your attention toward the clock while watching it. Portuguese hasn’t been this engaging since your housekeeper got in a fight over the phone with her brother.


PUSHER

A raw, down and dirty exploration into the Danish underworld. This 1996 underground hit from filmmaker Nicolas Winding Refn gives a fly on the wall perspective of a day in the life of drug dealer Frank (Kim Bodina, Denmark’s answer to Tom Sizemore). We are also introduced to several colorful characters like Tonny and Milo, who end up having their own Pusher storysequels in 2005.

 

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

This Swedish vampire movie is one of the most interesting explorations into growing up and never growing at all movies. For those who are sick and tired of all the Twilight hype, this a movie that will make you remember how great a vampire story can be, full of good scares and gore in the ice cold terrain of Sweden.

 

Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN

The ultimate road trip movie from Alfonso Cuaron. A lot of skin, sex, pot, and sun supply this Mexican drama. The road trip movie is a genre that stateside audiences always enjoy, plus the political undercurrent from the movie’ unknown narrator suggests a movie that isn’t just about skin deep interactions, but a country and a time fading away.

 

THE KILLER

The movie that inspired the last 20 years of action movies. Director John Woo stages some of the most electrifying gun battles on screen. With each action sequence topping the next, you’ll never see a church or a dove fly during your next Mexican standoff the same way again.

 

GOMORRAH

The dystopia of the modern Italian gangster movie. From the wannabe teenage gangsters to the low wage bag men and fashion industry, we see the city of Naples, Italy torn inside out by corruption and startling acts of violence. A must see for fans of the gangster and crime genre.

 

OLDBOY

A total wild and crazy ride on the streets and alleys of Seoul, Korea. The revenge movie to end all revenge movies, as a man played by Korean bad ass actor Min-sik Choi has three days to find out who has imprisoned him for over 10 years. He bites, fights, and slices his way through the Korean underground as the film delivers one of the most shocking climaxes ever put on celluloid. It will literally leave you speechless. I tongue you not.

 

AMORES PERROS

Three interconnecting stories centered around Mexico City and the pets that each character loves. A blistering amount of energy and heart is put together by director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu and writer Guillermo Arriga, as they take us through the lower class and upper class lifestyles of each character and their broken dreams. (Gael Garcia Bernal’s second appearance as the down on his luck teenager Octavio.)

 

8 1/2

This Italian cinema classic from Federico Fellini may not have a linear story like all of the other movies on here, but the visuals and the kinetic chaos of a movie about making a movie keeps the audience glued to their seats. Fast, sexy, and fun for a black and white foreign film made in the 60s. Whatever you do, don’t watch the musical remake Nine before you watch this original. I wouldn’t recommend watching Nine after either.

 

THE LIVES OF OTHERS

Though I personally don’t care for this film, The Lives of Others has been one of the most acclaimed German movies ever made, and I’m sure I’d get b*tched at if I didn’t include it.  It’s one of the warmest movies to come out of German cinema, when ironically it’s about the Cold War and the disconnection between people. It won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film in 2006 over the well-favored Pan’s Labyrinth.

 

HIGH TENSION

France’s answer to the popular torturer porn genre. A fast and bloody movie with plenty  of gory money shots, and surprisingly very little dialogue, which lazy (illiterate) stateside audiences will appreciate. This also started the career of filmmaker Alexander Aja, who will be directing the remake Piranha 3D this summer.

 

PAN’S LABYRINTH

Guillermo Del Toro‘s epic children fantasy war flick, combining historical events and Brothers Grimm-style. As we follow the story of a young girl Ofilia and her journey into a bizarre forest of monsters and fascist soldiers, the storytelling blend of fantasy and reality creates a world that is both frightening and beautiful. Plus the dude with eyeballs in the palms of his hands freaks me the f*ck out. How does it not constantly have an eye infection?

What other foreign films do you not mind sitting through? 

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10 Most Baffling Movie Franchises http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-most-baffling-movie-franchises/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-most-baffling-movie-franchises/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 In Hollywood, it usually makes sense to make sequel after sequel. Whether a series is good or bad, there’s some fan base who’ll keep coming back and the studios will make greater dough. There are just a few that make so little sense, I can’t believe they even tried to do more than one. As summer sequel season begins, we look at the 10 most baffling franchises in Hollywood history.BASIC INSTINCTThe only reason there’s even one sequel to this movie is that the studio decided it would be cheaper to make a whole movie than settle a lawsuit with Sharon Stone. So now Basic Instinct is a franchise, with a sequel that made less than Larry the Cable Guy’s first movie. I'm wondering who crunched the numbers and came to the conclusion that making an entire production would be more economical than settling a lawsuit. 

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In Hollywood, it usually makes sense to make sequel after sequel. Whether a series is good or bad, there’s some fan base who’ll keep coming back and the studios will make greater dough. There are just a few that make so little sense, I can’t believe they even tried to do more than one. As summer sequel season begins, we look at the 10 most baffling franchises in Hollywood history.

BASIC INSTINCT

The only reason there’s even one sequel to this movie is that the studio decided it would be cheaper to make a whole movie than settle a lawsuit with Sharon Stone. So now Basic Instinct is a franchise, with a sequel that made less than Larry the Cable Guy’s first movie. I’m wondering who crunched the numbers and came to the conclusion that making an entire production would be more economical than settling a lawsuit.

 

THE CROW

Maybe it’s just me, but I think when your lead actor dies on the set due to negligence, you should let the franchise go. Just call it off. Be glad the first one still turned out well despite the tragedy. Maybe it serves the producers right that the third and fourth films went straight to video. I guess there is some accounting for taste, as audiences weren’t buying the rehashes. It’s still shocking that they thought they could pull off a series under those circumstances. Oh, and there’s a reboot in the works now. Quit tempting fate, Hollywood!

 

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

This is an interesting baffling franchise because first there were two straight to VHS sequels. Van Damme didn’t star, this was before DVD, and I don’t think anyone really knows about them. Then Van Damme came back for Universal Soldier: The Return in theaters. It seemed to ignore the video sequels, and also the fact that a Universal Soldier is dead. But that wasn’t the comeback Van Damme needed and he too went straight to video. So now there’s Universal Soldier: Regeneration with him and Dolph Lundgren, and it seems to ignore The Return too because Van Damme is dead again. Word is they’re making another one in 3-D. Would that be considered part 3, part 4 or part 6?

 

THE EXORCIST

A sequel to one of the most acclaimed classic horror films of all time is baffling. Even in a genre that is most conducive to sequels, how do you re-exorcise someone? As Exorcist II: The Heretic proved, you can’t. But they didn’t stop there. First they made it a trilogy. Then they tried a prequel, but it didn’t work so they had to reshoot the prequel. So there’s now five Exorcist movies, four of which only made fans want to watch the first one again.

 

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE / ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN

The saga of Clint Eastwood and Clyde the chimpanzee left so many unanswered questions, they just had to make a sequel. The movies were hits in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s so I suppose execs made the right decision, but looking back at the Oscar-winning Clint Eastwood, he’s got the tarnish of two monkey movies on his golden resume.

 

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

You remember The Magnificent Seven, the classic western with Yul Brenner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and four other tough guys. Do you remember its three theatrical sequels? Didn’t think so. Brenner even did the first one, but when that didn’t recapture the magic, why’d they try two more? ‘Cause real men like to dress up as cowboys at any cost.

 

HIGHLANDER

The amazing thing about this franchise is that each sequel tries to make sense of it, but only makes it worse. Are the immortals aliens in the future? What’s Duncan doing if Connor won The Prize in the first one? If it weren’t for the story, you could just say, “Hey, make some more swor fighting movies.” The way they kept revising the mythology each go-round was baffling, albeit in a fun way.

 

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT

They needed three movies of clips of other movies? Really?

 

JAWS

Spielberg really exhausted all the visual excitement you could have with a killer shark. Jaws 2 is a pretty amazing script though. Brody’s a hero until he says there’s another shark. Then nobody believes him again. Jaws 3 is a punchline for bad 3-D gimmicks and the idea of a shark in Sea World is cool until you realize, “What does a shark do in a bunch of water tanks?” The Revenge shows that this time, it’s personal. I wonder how Spielberg personally feels about how far this series got away from his classic, when he’s not counting the Benjamins it made him.

 

PSYCHO

If you thought it was a bad idea to remake a Hitchcock classic, have you ever seen the sequels? They went up to Psycho IV, all with Anthony Perkins returning as Norman Bates. II starts out interestingly enough, following what Norman does after he’s released from the hospital, all grown up and supposedly cured. Then they all devolve into stupid slasher movies, and IV is a straight to cable flashback to Norman’s days with mother. After the original Psycho, the tale of Norman Bates should only have lived on in our abnormal minds.

What other movie franchises baffle your brains?

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11 Terribly Awesome Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-terribly-awesome-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-terribly-awesome-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made. 11. Double Team

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We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made.

11. Double Team

It’s a risky move to Google-search “dennis+rodman+double+team”.  But with SafeSearch turned on, it leads to this trailer for Double Team. Jean Claude Van Damme stars as a guy paid to kick people alongside Dennis Rodman who plays a humble, polite gentleman who never blows shit up (note to self: fact check this). Together they must stop Mickey Rourke from strutting away from explosions in slow-motion. This movie features Van Damme cliff-diving through lasers, dry humping a bathtub, stumbling through basketball puns and he eve fighting a tiger. I repeat. JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME FIGHTS A TIGER. How is that not awesome?

10. Stroker Ace

Three Doors Down aren’t the only celebrity NASCAR fans, and Burt Reynolds proves that with 1983’s Stroker Ace. This has got to be the slowest movie about racecars in history. It’s equal-parts Hee-Haw and Even More Hee-Haw, was somehow based on a book, and is somehow totally entertaining. Stroker is a popular racecar driver who must find a way out of his lame endorsement deal. It all boils down to the last pulse-pounding moments as Stroker… I dunno, he wins a race or some shit.  FUN FACT: Charlie Daniels provided the theme song for the “film” and rumor has it that he used the money-earned to buy the world’s larges fringe jacket:

9. Secret Agent 00 Soul


Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee Williams stars in this attempted spoof of James Bond films which somehow detours way off-track, landing Lando in a house haunted by rapping mummies. “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Agent Soul. I expect you to beatbox…for these mummies.” How many other films have rhyming mummies? None.

8. Chopping Mall

Sex-loving teens get robo-fragged after breaking into the mall for the wildest party of their lives. ‘Party City’ is just a name of a store, you guys. If you weren’t so literal, you might still have a head. Please note the end of the trailer, where two featured extras pretty much quit on camera. The one gets awesome points for using the term ‘robot blood.’

7. Screwballs

Featuring characters such as Purity Busch, Melvin Jerkovski, Howie Bates and Bootsie Goodhead this movie really tried to cash in on the sex romp craze. With dialogue like, “Now you can jerk off all you want Jerkovski,” I don’t know how it didn’t take home a golden statue. A golden statue shaped like a giant steaming turd.

6. Death Wish 3

I don’t know when psychotic violence gangs stopped wearing grease paint but it’s a trend I’d really like to see reemerge. I’d also like to see Charles Bronson square-off against today’s movie tough guys. I like to watch creepy, old men get knocked down a lot. That’s what the internet is basically all about. Charles Bronson. You will be missed.

5. Under The Tuscan Sun

BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I just got a shiver like somebody walked on my grave. Not awesomely bad. Just bad.

4. Man’s Best Friend


Man’s Best Friend Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

Man’s Best Friend is a sci-fi/horror film about a scientist (Lance Henriksen) who loses his puppy-wuppy. The canine is actually a top-secret genetically-enhanced killing machine because, yeah, I guess we need those. The movie’s taglines are: "He bit the hand that fed him…and then he ate the rest." And "His bark isn’t half as bad as his bite." Here is one of the many awfulsomely gruesome scenes from the film. It just about takes your breath away.

3. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Voted the worst movie of all time Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space is classically bad. In an attempt to take over earth, outer space sends Dracula, his wife, and a fat zombie to enslave mankind. That was their NINTH plan? Really? What were Plans 1-8? Asking nicely? It’s really required viewing in cinema of the ab-turd.

2. Troll 2

Filmed on toilet paper with a budget of $0.92 and featuring creatures designed by a porn actress, Troll 2 is rapidly becoming the King of Camp Cinema. The plot is simple. Goblins (there are no trolls in this movie) who only eat plants intend to turn people into plants so that they can eat them because apparently the plants that already exist just aren’t good enough. It’s up to a young boy and his grandpa’s ghost to save the day. You will laugh your way through this one. 

1. The Room

I’d love to bestow Troll 2 with the mantle of Most Awesomful Movie but that distinction has to go to The Room. The ultimate vanity project, Tommy Wiseau directs Tommy Wiseau in a film written by Tommy Wiseau about the relationship issues of a dead-eyed Frankenstein. The production value is baffling and the performances are unintentionally hilarious. After initial audience reactions of "This is the funniest shizz ever" and "Bro seriously, you gotta go see this pile" Wiseau began billing the film as a ‘quirky, black comedy’. Filmed over 8 months (!), the production went through at least four crews and a $6 million budget. Confused by the differences between 35mm film and HD video, Wiseau decided to shoot the film simultaneously on both with a rig that mounted both cameras on one head. If only it were also shot on IMAX, that way we could surround ourselves with terrible. Midnight screenings are held monthly in Los Angeles and attended by a hundred or so fans that herald this as a modern Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I can see why. I’ve been quoting this movie every chance I get. Don’t believe me? Ask my girlfriend. She’s the annoyed girl over there rolling her eyes. Hi sweetie! Here’s some supporting proof in the form of a remix. This one hurts SOOO GOOD.

What are some of your favorite horrible movies? Let us know in the comments section.

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10 Actors Who Have Been Phoning It In http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-actors-who-have-been-phoning-it-in/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-actors-who-have-been-phoning-it-in/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 When an actor knocks their first role out of the park, they then have a lot to live up to. They usually start getting loads of offers to star in other films and with that comes piles ‘o cash. What I’ve been noticing is that some of these actors just start punching the time clock and go to sleep on the job. For like, decades, even. Here are 10 actors who have phoned in their roles for the better part of their career. And some are still doing it.SYLVESTER STALLONE

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When an actor knocks their first role out of the park, they then have a lot to live up to. They usually start getting loads of offers to star in other films and with that comes piles ‘o cash. What I’ve been noticing is that some of these actors just start punching the time clock and go to sleep on the job. For like, decades, even. Here are 10 actors who have phoned in their roles for the better part of their career. And some are still doing it.

SYLVESTER STALLONE


Breakthrough Role: Rocky
Other Decent Roles: First Blood, Cliffhanger
Roles Phoned In Since: Driven, Daylight, Rhinestone, Judge Dredd, The Specialist, Assassins

The guy has been nominated for an Oscar. Seriously. In Rocky, he was awesome and no one in the world could root against that character. Although a different character, we all still rooted for him in First Blood. Stallone was stoic and angry — quite opposite his Rocky Balboa persona. Then something happened. He got crazy rich and started making crap. Lots of crap. And playing the same character. I’ll give him props for gaining the weight and pretending to be deaf in Copland, but the list of horrible movies is long and painful. He’s turned to directing his franchises recently (Driven, Rambo, and Rocky Balboa) and has another effort on the horizon with The Expendables. Let’s hope it’s a return to form for Sly. He looks good for being 63-years-old, but he is a senior citizen after all. He could very well collapse or sh*t himself at any moment.

MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY


Breakthrough Role: A Time to Kill
Other Decent Role: Dazed and Confused (pre-A Time to Kill)
Roles Phoned In Since: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Failure to Launch, Sahara, Two for the Money, The Wedding Planner, We Are Marshall

This dude was the toast on the town when A Time to Kill came out. He looked like a young Paul Newman, turned in a great performance — which was very different than his stoner character in Dazed and Confused — and he had that Texas accent that chicks dig. Then he started playing himself…in every single film. He might have a fake beard in a period piece, or shave his head for a role, but they’re not signs of him going method. There is serious Matthew and romantic comedy Matthew, and neither appear to be acting. And what’s with all the damn leaning? Stand up straight!

KATE HUDSON


Breakthrough Role: Almost Famous
Other Decent Role: Skeleton Key
Roles Phoned In Since: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Bride Wars, You, Me and Dupree, Alex and Emma

How did this person turn in that Penny Lane performance in Almost Famous? Ever since, she has been portraying a younger version Goldie Hawn, and her being Golden Hawn’s daughter is no excuse. And her mom was never accused of trying too hard as an actress either. Sure, they seem like nice people, but that doesn’t mean I want to stand in line to pay for their latest big screen release. I thought Ms. Hudson was maybe getting back on track when she starred in The Four Feathers and The Skeleton Key, but then she went and did Fool’s Gold with already inducted Matthew McConaughey. It was a perfect storm of the cinematic phone in.

WESLEY SNIPES


Breakthrough Role: Major League
Other Decent Role: Passenger 57
Roles Phoned In Since: Undisputed, To Wong Fu, U.S. Marshals, Drop Zone, Blade Trinity.

“Always bet on black.” Hell yeah! How cool was Wesley Snipes back in his ‘coming up’ days, and such a gambling enabler. He had the acting chops and the coolness to go along with it. He was a great action star and had all the karate stuff going for him, too. Then we saw his next movie. Then the next. Then he didn’t pay his taxes, and it only got worse from there. Luckily Blade restored some of Wesley’s clout, but the resurgence was short lived. No longer is the joke "He’s Wesley Snipes black" relevant when describing how black someone or something is. And that makes me sad.

VIN DIESEL


Breakthrough Role: Saving Private Ryan
Other Decent Role: Boiler Room
Roles Phoned In Since: Everything

I am among the very few that have seen Vin Diesel’s short film Multi-Facial that earned him his Saving Private Ryan role, and I have to admit, he was good. He delivers a monologue at the end that is well-acted and attention-grabbing. Then came Private Ryan and he was spot on in that. Maybe it’s because he was playing a meat head and didn’t have too many lines. And died in the first 40 minutes. The Vin — as he likes to be called on set — has his long-gestating Hannibal the Conqueror film coming up. This actually might be a good fit. Hannibal in a wife beater could definitely turn heads.

ERIC ROBERTS


Breakthrough Role: Runaway Train
Other Decent Role: Pope of Greenwich Village
Roles Phoned In Since: Heaven’s Prisoners, The Dark Knight, National Security, The Prophecy II

How much does Eric Roberts hate his life? He had a couple of early roles that people loved and that he was great in. Then he helped his sister Julia Roberts get introduced into the business. She then went on to become a massive success and he has been phoning in roles since then. Sure, he’s done a TON of B-films, but even when he’s been cast in good films or TV, he still goes through the acting motions. Eric just can’t seem to get his early mojo back. Now his daughter Emma is even turning in better performances.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ


Breakthrough Role: Girlfight
Other Decent Role: "LOST"
Roles Phoned In Since: Blue Crush, BloodRayne, Avatar, Resident Evil, Battle in Seattle, S.W.A.T.

Michelle was a badass in her first role Girlfight. She’s attractive and her tough on-screen attitude was uber-sexy. However, the tough female Mexican persona hasn’t seen any changes since. She has at least pulled back the ‘head down, eyes up’ stare, but she is still playing the same tough female we loved at her start. And unlike many actresses, she has never changed anything about herself — her hair, clothes, style, etc. I actually think she may have been replaced by a robot. A robot that’s dial is stuck on a tough Mexican female setting. And no, we didn’t say it was from taco sauce. …Racist.

ORLANDO BLOOM


Breakthrough Role: Lord of the Rings
Other Decent Role: Ned Kelly
Roles Phoned In Since: The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Elizabethtown, Troy, Kingdom of Heaven

Okay, he wasn’t great in LOTR, but neither was Keanu in The Matrix. But it worked for the role. It’s no surprise that since his phoning it in during the Pirates films that he has stopped getting roles at the pace he was before. The quiet, whimsical, skinny dude act wears thin when you see it in every performance. He doesn’t hide his accent too well either, but I’ve overlooked that in other actors in the past. I’m just over the whispery voice and vapidness in the face. Every. Single. Movie.

COLIN FARRELL


Breakthrough Role: Tigerland
Other Decent Role: Phone Booth
Roles Phoned In Since: The Recruit, S.W.A.T., Alexander, Miami Vice, The New World

It’s impressive that he has such a thick Irish accent and can’t speak without cursing, yet mostly plays Americans that don’t curse constantly. I’ll give him that. But that doesn’t excuse some of the sleepwalking he’s done in films since he hit the big time. The scripts have been good and he has worked with some of the world’s top directors, so I’m unsure what went wrong. Luckily, it seems he’s getting back to what made us notice in the first place. In Bruges was great and he was also pretty solid in Crazy Heart. I’m thinking a comedy would be the next best choice for him. Reinvention never hurts. Unless it does.

EWAN McGREGOR


Breakthrough Role: Trainspotting
Other Decent Role: Moulin Rouge!
Some Roles Phoned In Since: The Island, Down With Love, Eye of the Beholder, Angels & Demons

I loved Trainspotting and McGregor was excellent in it. And I’ve liked some of the other movies he’s been in since. Except I’ve noticed he’s kinda the same guy in every role. Moulin Rouge! was different for him — if I must admit that I’ve seen a musical — and he pulled it out. But whether it’s comedy or drama, he rehashes his characters over-and-over and doesn’t really seem interested in even being in the film. Maybe the money from the Star Wars flicks was enough to make him not want to work at it ever again. Or those films fractured his soul.

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11 Best Drug-Influenced Movie Scenes http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-best-drug-influenced-movie-scenes/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/11-best-drug-influenced-movie-scenes/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Over the years, movies have given us a trippy cornucopia of moments of drug use on screen. Most of it is used to amplify your mind in an another world or dream-like sequence, and this experience can be scary, hilarious, or even both at times. Yet which movies out of the thousands have done the most damage to our psyche? Like an acid flashback that won't abate, today we are going to 11 and listing the best drug scenes movies have to deal.   TRAINSPOTTING The floor has officially trapped you while ODing from a dirty batch of smack.

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Over the years, movies have given us a trippy cornucopia of moments of drug use on screen. Most of it is used to amplify your mind in an another world or dream-like sequence, and this experience can be scary, hilarious, or even both at times. Yet which movies out of the thousands have done the most damage to our psyche? Like an acid flashback that won’t abate, today we are going to 11 and listing the best drug scenes movies have to deal.

 

TRAINSPOTTING

The floor has officially trapped you while ODing from a dirty batch of smack.

What better way to portray a heroin overdose than set it to a Lou Reed song. “Perfect Day” is the icing on the drug injected cake as our hero Renton (Ewan MacGregor) takes another hit of dirty bliss and finds himself trapped inside the floor.

 

DOMINO

Taking mushrooms might make Tom Waits appear and have sex in the desert.

While most Tony Scott movies are tailored for a meth-addict’s attention span, this brash, trashy bounty hunter flick goes to even further into the abyss with a scene involving a car load of celebrities from Keira Knightley to "90210" douche bags like Brian Austin Green and Ian Ziering. Within a matter of seconds, car crashes, coitus, and Tom Waits flash upon your already dilated pupils.

 

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Using speed to lose weight has consequences.


Requiem for a Dream – Ellen Burstyns Monologue – Watch more Funny Videos

It’s hard to choose just one scene from Aronofsky’s visually stunning tragedy, but the heartbreaking monologue delivered by Ellen Burstyn as Sara Goldfarb sums up the tone of the film. What starts out as an innocent attempt to fit into a red dress devolves into a crippling addiction to speed. No other movie has ever made me hate drugs more, or Jared Leto less.

 

PULP FICTION

It’s protocol to shoot up before taking the boss’s wife out.

John Travolta’s Vince has just got back from Amsterdam and needs a good fix from his main man Lance. This sets in motion the grooviest shoot-up smack montage and harshest needle-to-the-heart sequence ever put on celluloid. It’s even better in Italian.

 

SPUN

Meth is a helluva drug to drive around L.A. on.

We all know the late Brittany Murphy could be tweaked out her mind at times and this movie showcases the best of those moments. The whole film is one big tweakfest with the best moment coming from Jason Schwartzman and Murphy as they drive his rusty Volvo round and round L.A. for 24 hours straight. A record was set with this film as there are over 5,000 jump cuts in its 101 minute running time, to give that good ol’ meth-head sense of bugginess.

 

PLATOON

Forget about the war and smoke a lot of hash with Willem Defoe.

War is hell, especially if Tom Berenger and Willem Defoe are your platoon leaders. Good thing Vietnam had plenty of hash and other mind expanders to get over the soul-shattering carnage. Placed right in the middle of Oliver Stone’s classic we get to see a moment between flying bullets where the young cast, including Johnny Depp and Forest Whitaker, relaxes from all the war mayhem. 

 

KILLING ZOE

Maybe doing all those drugs before the bank heist wasn’t the best idea.

The first half of Roger Avery’s Killing Zoe follows a group of bank robbers lead by Eric Stolz to every brothel and drug den in Paris, France. A few hours later the group decides in the wake of the worst hangover alive to rob a bank. This leads to gang members shooting up while in the middle of a shoot out with the authorities. Think Ocean’s Eleven meets members of the Andy Warhol Factory. Can your brain even conceive that?

 

LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

Stop worrying about death and smoke some hash while tiddying up your house.

This off-beat drama from Thailand stars Japanese superstar Asano Tatanubo as a man obsessed with suicide, that is until him and his new love interest smoke a bunch of hash creating a dream sequence within a dream sequence that leads the film to a very controversial climax.

 

CRANK

Taking various substances so your heart won’t stop.

Jason Statham will stop at nothing to keep his heart ticking, which leads him to snorting cocaine off a dirty bathroom floor and injecting a huge batch of epinephrine into his chest, making it the ultimate get-high-and-never-look-back fantasy. If you consider banging Amy Smart in front of Japanese tourists a drug, that’s in there as well.

 

BOOGIE NIGHTS

Night Ranger, Alfred Molina, firecrackers, and a whole lot of cocaine.

A trio of burnt-out porn stars try to make a coke deal with one of the craziest drug dealers ever put on screen (Alfred Molina at his most bugged-out best). What follows is a series of electrically violent events that will leave bodies on the floor, cocaine in the air, and firecrackers thrown by an Asian manboy popping. You can enjoy it, sans the audio, above. Don’t complain, just buy the movie already.

 

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD DO AMERICA

Finding a desert mushroom might put you in a Rob Zombie cartoon music video.

When matters look to be at an end for our 90s slacker heroes, they find an especially potent mushroom in the Mojave Desert, which they mistake as a water cactus. All of their surroundings turn into a White Zombie music video with plenty of babes, demons, and bright colors to boot.

There are a ton of drug movies out there, so I’m sure you’ll now tell me what I missed. Be gentle.

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10 Summer Movie Gems to Watch For http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-summer-movie-gems-to-watch-for/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/10-summer-movie-gems-to-watch-for/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 When thinking about the upcoming summer movie season, it’s hard to picture anything but Robert Downey Jr., Buzz & Woody, and Jake G. as a Persian with a British accent. And while we all enjoy a tasty summer club-banger (blockbuster) or two, the season always provides for a few smaller, limited-release “gems.” Many of these flicks are picked-up off the festival-circuit tours and sometimes go on to make a big cult-splash (The Wackness, Napolean Dynamite, Garden State), or even an awards-season run (The Hurt Locker, Little Miss Sunshine, Hustle & Flow). The following are ten under-the-radar flicks that may get some extra attention/theater releases by the summer’s end:   The Trotsky

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When thinking about the upcoming summer movie season, it’s hard to picture anything but Robert Downey Jr., Buzz & Woody, and Jake G. as a Persian with a British accent. And while we all enjoy a tasty summer club-banger (blockbuster) or two, the season always provides for a few smaller, limited-release “gems.” Many of these flicks are picked-up off the festival-circuit tours and sometimes go on to make a big cult-splash (The Wackness, Napolean Dynamite, Garden State), or even an awards-season run (The Hurt Locker, Little Miss Sunshine, Hustle & Flow).

The following are ten under-the-radar flicks that may get some extra attention/theater releases by the summer’s end:

 

The Trotsky

Jay Baruchel takes break from being Paramount’s recent golden boy to star in this little comedy about high school student that believes he is the reincarnation of Leon Trotsky. Having already screened at several major festivals (including Tribeca this week), Trotsky seems poised to grab some followers when it opens in limited release on May 14th. Check out the trailer below.

 

Solitary Man

Michael Douglas plays a former baller-turned-family man out to prove he can still live the Alpa Chino lifestyle after losing everything. Wall Street 2 got pushed back, but Douglas still gets to star in a May movie as a Solitary Man. I don’t really get why he keeps working so much. If I were married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, I would leave home only to buy her cranberry juice or watch her make me some scrilla via T-Mobile. I guess having the opp to shmooze with the likes of Jenna Fischer and Mary Louise-Parker make for a reasonable excuse. Danny DeVito, Jesse Eisenberg, and Susan Sarandon probably keep things interesting on-set as well. Catch the movie in limited release May 7th.

 

Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Undead

How many times do we need to see a movie about staging a play based on Hamlet? Apparently one more! Though there is a vampire involved, it’s not based on the book of Mormon (sigh of relief). Also features the lovely Devon Aoki, as well as Johnny Drama’s pal, Ralph Macchio. I’m also intrigued to see if Jake Hoffman (best known for being Dustin’s son) can pull off being a leading man.

 

Centurion

Helmer Neil Marshall returns with this historical period-piece about the roma legion in Britainia. In the vein of Apocalypto meets Gladiator, Centurion features dudes on horses chasing dudes with swords and the ALWAYS welcome Olga Kurylenko.  Say what you will about Marshall’s Doomsday, but The Descent was off the chain, yo. This is one that will likely get a larger release than what it’s currently slated for and will likely do very well overseas.

 

[Rec] 2

You probably know the first [REC] best as it’s American doppelganger Quarantine, which is almost shot-for-shot identical. Well [Rec] 2 takes off right where the first story ended and is told from the perspective of the SWAT-team that gets sent in to clean up the mess. Look for it in theatres (likely only at the Landmark chain since it’s distributed through Magnolia/Magnet) in July and on-demand shortly after.

 

The Wild Hunt

LARPing gone bad?! A medieval reenactment game turns into a Shakespearean tragedy when a non-player crashes the event to win back his girlfriend. Whoever came up with this concept deserves a spot in the International Super-Geek Shrine of Nerderdom. If this thing gets a solid marketing campaign in front of it though, it screams future cult-classic. Won awards at Slamdance and Toronto.

 

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

Andy Serkis, a.k.a. Peter Jackson’s little monkey, stole some heavy attention and a BAFTA nomination across the pond for his portrayal of Ian Drury, a prominent figure in the evolution of British new wave music leading into the ‘80′s. Again, the Tribeca response will give us an idea as to how big or small this one will be, but Serkis is supposed to be a sight to see.

 

OSS 117: Lost in Rio

The second foreign sequel on this list. The first OSS 117 (Cairo, Nest of Spies), is essentially a French-Austin Powers-esque parody of 007. Though reading subtitles isn’t for everyone, the original was very simple and funny and I expect nothing less from the sequel. Opening in NY/LA on May 7th.

 

The Disappearance of Alice Creed

The foxy Gemma Arterton continues her stellar year starring in the title role here, to go with those two other small-time flicks Clash of the Titans and Prince of Persia, as the daughter of a wealthy businessman held for ransom by two ex-cons. Though the overall concept is nothing insanely original, Alice Creed had pretty positive word-of-mouth coming out of Toronto, so the Tribeca screenings will give us an idea if it’ll release wider than its planned limited engagements this August. 

 

Cyrus

This might be the best known feature on this list, but since it’s still hitting the festivals, we’ll include it. Jonah Hill creeps out John C Reilley as he courts his mother (Marisa Tomei). Milfy Catherine Keener plays Reilly’s ex-wife. Drops in theaters July 9th, though the size of the release is still TBD.

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9 Poorly Conceived Baby Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-poorly-conceived-baby-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-poorly-conceived-baby-movies/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Jennifer Lopez's new movie, The Back-up Plan, premieres this week. The film is supposedly a comedy about having a baby. Unfortunately, the trailer looks about as funny as SIDS. In fact, the only humorous thing about the film is that it was originally titled Plan B. Now that's comedy! But when it comes to awful films about babies, The Back-up Plan has a lot of company. Here are nine other poorly conceived baby movies.  Son of the Mask - 2005 The Mask (1994) was a horrible film that was made slightly tolerable by the presence of Jim Carrey. So when you replace Jim Carrey with Jamie Kennedy and throw in a baby with magical powers, it’s pretty clear you’ve got a real crapfest on your hands. Did I mention it also stars Alan Cumming? Well it does.

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Jennifer Lopez’s new movie, The Back-up Plan, premieres this week. The film is supposedly a comedy about having a baby. Unfortunately, the trailer looks about as funny as SIDS. In fact, the only humorous thing about the film is that it was originally titled Plan B. Now that’s comedy!

But when it comes to awful films about babies, The Back-up Plan has a lot of company. Here are nine other poorly conceived baby movies. 

Son of the Mask – 2005
The Mask (1994) was a horrible film that was made slightly tolerable by the presence of Jim Carrey. So when you replace Jim Carrey with Jamie Kennedy and throw in a baby with magical powers, it’s pretty clear you’ve got a real crapfest on your hands. Did I mention it also stars Alan Cumming? Well it does.

Jersey Girl – 2004
Jersey Girl was Kevin Smith’s first attempt at making a film that had nothing to do with Jay and Silent Bob. It ended poorly. In all fairness, Gigli, which came out just before Jersey Girl and also stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, poisoned the box-office well. Smith even killed off Lopez near the start of the film, but it didn’t save this dud. 

On a side note, watching George Carlin pretend to change this baby’s diaper just makes me sad.


Jersey Girl Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

Ghostbusters II – 1989
A lot of people are clamoring for Ghostbusters III. I think those people should take a step back and remember Ghostbusters II.

The plot centers on a European ghost named Vigo and his attempts to abduct a baby. Don’t get your hopes up; it’s not as sexy as it sounds. In fact, it’s downright stupid.  The giant marshmallow man from the first film is completely plausible in context. But a walking Statue of Liberty? Ridiculous.

Father of the Bride II – 1995
In this sequel, Steve Martin is back as an overprotective father who just found out his daughter is pregnant. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, it turns out his wife, who everyone thought was all dried up, is pregnant too! Outrageous!

I haven’t seen this film since I was a kid, but even then I was confused as to why the gay wedding planners from the first film ended up driving the pregnant women to the hospital.

You’ve come a long way since The Jerk, Steve Martin.

Baby’s Day Out – 1994
After Home Alone, John Hughes wanted to see how far he could push the envelope when it came to stupid sh*t.  He found out with this film.

Baby’s Day Out follows a kidnapped baby who escapes from his captors and wanders around the streets of New York City. Those of you expecting the baby to be run over by a car or eaten by a homeless guy are in for a disappointment.

Look Who’s Talking Too – 1990
Have you ever wondered what babies think about? Then you’re an idiot. They can’t think, which is why they don’t talk and constantly sh*t themselves.

I didn’t think there could be a more pointless sequel than Look Who’s Talking Too, but then I remembered Look Who’s Talking Now, and I took some more Welbutrin.

Junior – 1994
Director Ivan Reitman makes our list for the second time with Junior, a film about a pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I know what you‘re thinking: “But Jame, boys can’t get pregnant.”

Shut up.  He’s a scientist, so it make perfect sense. The problem is that unless Arnold was impregnated by the Alien or is giving birth to a race of cyborgs, no one’s gonna care. Besides, if I want a Schwarzenegger comedy, I’ll watch this.

Baby Geniuses – 1999
As the trailer suggests, Baby Geniuses is a film that follows the exploits of a group of baby geniuses.

You know, in the olden days, if they saw a walking, talking baby wearing a top hat they would have put it in a sack and thrown it off a bridge. Today they make movies glorifying that type of behavior. And you call that progress?

Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 - 2009
Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 is head and shoulders above the other films in the Barefoot and Pregnant series. Even so, I can’t help but think an early termination would have been better for everyone involved. The same goes for the Knocked-Up Nymphos series.

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9 Movie Plot Threads That Go Nowhere http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-movie-plot-threads-that-go-nowhere/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-movie-plot-threads-that-go-nowhere/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000  Films only have a limited time to get their whole story across.  If a crazy dragon thing is introduced on Pandora early in a film, you can bet your bottom dollar that the main Na’vi hero will be riding that dragon thing by forcing his sexual ponytail into it by the end.  But sometimes, threads are introduced in films that really don’t add up to anything.  Whether it’s laziness or stupidity no one can say for sure.  Except me.  And I say it is laziness and stupidity.  Here are 9 movie plot threads that don’t really go anywhere.Batman Returns - Max Shreck’s Reverse Power Plant

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Films only have a limited time to get their whole story across.  If a crazy dragon thing is introduced on Pandora early in a film, you can bet your bottom dollar that the main Na’vi hero will be riding that dragon thing by forcing his sexual ponytail into it by the end.  But sometimes, threads are introduced in films that really don’t add up to anything.  Whether it’s laziness or stupidity no one can say for sure.  Except me.  And I say it is laziness and stupidity.  Here are 9 movie plot threads that don’t really go anywhere.

Batman Returns – Max Shreck’s Reverse Power Plant


Max Shreck starts off Batman Returns with an evil scheme to build a reverse-power plant that will suck all the energy out of Gotham, storing it for him and his family to dole out at a mark-up to citizens.  The insane plan to somehow steal power is so important to Shreck that he kills his secretary, Selina Kyle, when she finds out about his scheme, turning her into Catwoman.  And how does Max cap off his murderous scheme?  By never talking about it again for the rest of the film.  Maybe he just realized how stupid his plan was in the first place.

Attack of the Clones – The Mysterious Sifo Dyas


In Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan discovers a hidden plot by deceased Jedi master Sifo Dyas to build a secret army of Clone Troopers on the planet Kamino.  If you can understand that sentence, congratulations.  You have wasted a significant portion of your life.  At any rate, this Sifo Dyas guy must have been some kind of insane evil genius to build a secret army no one knows about.  That’s my guess anyway.  Because after all of the time Obi-Wan spent uncovering this scheme, none of the films ever bother to explain who Sifo Dyas was or what the clones were meant for in the first place.

Superman Returns - Lois Lane’s Insane Pregnancy


Superman Returns was supposed to be a continuation to Superman I and II.  It was also supposed to be good.  It fails on both levels.  After knocking the red superhero boots with Superman in Superman II, Lois Lane apparently became pregnant.  Which must have been very confusing and upsetting for her since Superman erased the memory of their whole affair with a “super-kiss” at the end of the film.  Watching a lonely Lois Lane comprehend why she is mysteriously pregnant would actually have been a better film than the one we got, where Superman tries to comprehend why there’s mysteriously no action.

Spider-Man 3 – Sandman’s Daughter


When we first met Flint Marko in Spider-Man 3, the only thing he cared about was his dying daughter.  In fact, the whole reason he was in jail was because he stole money to pay for his daughter’s treatments.  And hell, even when he was disintegrated into sand, the only thing that brings him back is his love for his daughter.  And then, nothing.  Once he’s Sandman, Flint spends a lot of time beating the living crap out of Spider-Man, even teaming up with an anemic-looking Venom to kill ol’Spidey, but it’s not until the very end of the film when Sandman uses the famous floating-away power of sand before he ever mentions his daughter again.  Did she live or die?  It’s never mentioned, but God, I hope she lived.  Spider-Man didn’t need anything else to cry about in that movie.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
– Galloway’s Autobot Rants


Presidential Advisor Theodore Galloway shows up early in Transformers 2 to tell the secret military group NEST that works with the Autobots that the President no longer wants the Transformers to be on Earth.  And after Optimus Prime dies, Galloway decommissions the NEST group and basically shuts down Autobot – US relations.  And then, the NEST team throws him off an airplane.  Seriously.  Why a good portion of the film is spent on a man who hates Autobots and yet never advances the plot is unexplained.  But then again, we are talking about a film where a robot literally farts out a parachute and Shia LaBouf visits Robot Heaven.

The Matrix Trilogy – Neo Destroys a Sentinel


At the end of Matrix Reloaded, Neo re-enters the real world where he suddenly displays the new power to stop the robotic sentinels.  And then he passes out.  Afterwards, it’s revealed that Neo can sense machines in the real world, even when he’s blinded.  But it’s never explained how he shot out a pulse that destroyed the Sentinels, even though that kind of power would really have come in use in the third movie.  Or I’m guessing it was never explained.  I kind of tuned out of The Matrix movies somewhere around that really smelly looking rave.

Magnolia – "The Worm"


A good portion of the early part of Magnolia involves John C. Reilly’s character finding a dead body in a woman’s apartment.  The murder suspect is apparently named The Worm.  Seriously.  There is a rap in the film twice about The Worm and an interrogation where a woman is asked repeatedly about The Worm’s whereabouts.  There is even a shoot out at one point that seems to be Worm related.  But The Worm never shows up and the thread never goes anywhere.  But, it’s hard to make any kind of quibble in a movie where Tom Cruise repeatedly yells about respecting the cock and taming the word that all women hate the most.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – Blofeld’s Earlobes


The only George Lazenby James Bond film is actually a pretty good movie.  One of the few problems in the whole film is a weird plot thread about the main villain’s earlobes.  Blofeld wants to prove that he is the heir and owner of the title Count de Bleauchamp.  Bond is told that is Blofeld is the rightful heir, he will be missing his earlobes, a trait all the de Bleauchamps supposedly share.  Blofeld at first claims he was born without earlobes, but later makes some noise about cutting his earlobes off.  Seriously?  This is one of the main points of a Bond film?  A bald man’s earlobes?  Beyond this thread not going anywhere, it takes away time from more important Bond activities, like how many slutty women Bond can screw.

 

The Phantom Menace – Anakin Skywalker’s Virgin Birth

Are we really back in Star Wars prequel land again?  Yup.  So, Anakin’s mom drops the bombshell to Qui-Gon Jin that Anakin was conceived without a father.  Pretty weird but surely there’s a point here right?  Like maybe someone used some Force magic to knock her up?  Nope.  Despite some vague talk about some ancient Sith Lord who may or may not have used his powers to conceive a baby, the thread is never really addressed again in the prequels.  On the upside, not many movies would have the balls to link Jesus to one of the biggest mass-murdering bad-asses of cinema.

Today’s Marquee Links

Jesus Spock Tattoo

Wes Craven Directing’Scream 4

Funny Craigslist Ads

Awesome Dance Moves Guy

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SJ’s Best Movies of the Aughts http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/sjs-best-movies-of-the-aughts/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/sjs-best-movies-of-the-aughts/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Unlike our stance on orgasming, we waited until the last possible minute to do this list. You’ll probably angrily chant "Rabble, rabble, rabble!" in disagreement, but that’s what makes these...

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Unlike our stance on orgasming, we waited until the last possible minute to do this list. You’ll probably angrily chant "Rabble, rabble, rabble!" in disagreement, but that’s what makes these ridiculous compilations so much darn fun. Even WE had to do two separate lists because one of the two of us (Wookie Johnson) is stupid. So without further ado, here are the Screen Junkies editors’ lists for the best movies of the decade. Don’t forget to tell us how much we suck in the comments section. 
Col. Hans Longshanks’s Picks:
Up
The five minute montage in the beginning of this whimsical Pixar film is better than most movies hitting theaters these days. Carl and Russell are the best odd couple to come along in a long time, and talking animals never cease to make me giggle.
The Dark Knight
Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker clearly made this movie what it is, but Christopher Nolan’s taut writing and direction turned what could have been another banal superhero flick into an epic crime saga. If you think it’s too long than you should pop another Riddlin.
There Will Be Blood
Daniel Plainview is another villain we love to hate. Daniel Day-Lewis in a mustache brings so many more emotional levels to his character than Daniel Day-Lewis without a mustache Paul Thomas Anderson managed to bring tension and depth to subject material about black gold. Texas tea. 
Requiem for a Dream
Darren Aronofsky’s style was clearly evident throughout this entire film, which why it’s such a pleasure/pain to watch. The quick cutting, bombastic music, and mesmerizing performances by Ellen Burstyn and Jennifer Connelly‘s ass make me never want to smoke crack again. The jonesing always ends with Keith David pulling his d*ck out.  
The Prestige
Christopher Nolan obviously knows how to weave together a story that’s compelling and keeps you guessing up to the last frame. In a story about magicians, he turned the film into a trick of his own. Even the sci-fi elements, which I usually shy away from, grabbed my interest. And I can never get enough of David Bowie’s two different colored eyes. 
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Never has a love story been so hopeful and depressing at the same time. Jim Carrey turns out what will probably be the best performance of his career, and Kate Winslet looks good with orange hair. Most of the credit goes to Charlie Kaufman though for imagining up a story in that twisted brain of his that makes so much sense while being completely ridiculous.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2
I prefer dialogue over action, which is why I chose Volume 2 over Volume 1. Get rid of the pretentious David Carradine Spiderman vs. Superman monologue and this film is almost perfect. Tarantino, without a doubt, knows how to make cinema fun, bloody, and for some reason without nudity.

Little Children

Being a product of the suburbs, I’m fascinated by all the seedy happenings underneath its polished exterior. Some might say this film is a rip off of American Beauty and other movies before it, but to them I say, "You’re a rip off!" Also, Jackie Earle Haley’s performance makes you feel sorry for a pedophile, which wrinkles my brain. 
Old School
It’s hilarious and you know it. I don’t understand why people are so reluctant to put comedies on a "Best Of" list. Everyone loves to laugh, and Old School, although formulaic, provides endless witty dialogue and set pieces. Earmuffs! 
The Patriot
Mel Gibson hacks soldiers to pieces with a hatchet and Jason Isaacs as Col. William Tavington turns out one of the best villainous performances of all time. Sometimes the dialogue is cheesy as hell, but when Isaacs shoots Gibson’s son in the back you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
 

Wookie Johnson’s Picks:

Spider Man 2
For my money, this is the best superhero film made to date. It perfectly depicts the great responsibility that Peter Parker must find a balance for now that this great power has been forced upon him. And Alfred Molina manages to bring a gravity to Doctor Octopus that was never intimated toward on the comics page.

The Royal Tenenbaums 

Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson really hit their stride with The Royal Tenenbaums and Gene Hackman made amends for a "lifetime of crap work." My words, not his.

Up 

Pixar is just showing off at this point. In 2008, they proved that they could melt your heart with a mostly dialogue-free film about a trash-picking robot. And then with Up, they proved that they could make you instantaneously vascilate between laughter and tears far more often than a bottle of Hot Damn ever could.

King Kong

Nobody will agree with me on this one but I urge you to keep in mind that this movie features both a brontosaurus avalanche and an eight-minute brawl with a trio of V-Rexes, the most-feared of all fictional dinosaurs.

Cloverfield 

I love that a movie like this was able to get made. Though its lack of a Hollywood ending (ie: Vin Diesel ordering the monster to eat a bomb before blowing it up with said bomb) was its undoing, I found it to be a perfect mix of horror, action, suspense, and despite the lack of pants-crapping, realism.

Me, Myself, and Irene 

This film has done what no other has been able to do since — made me enjoy an Anthony Anderson performance. Granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it but I remember laughing really hard at the time. And I REFUSE to believe that I have grown emotionally in the past ten years.

Team America: World Police

Trey Parker and Matt Stone step out from behind thei South Park brand to satarize action movies, global politics, and Sean Penn in one fell swoop. I would give this movie an A++ if I were allowed within 100 yards of a school.

Gone Baby Gone 

Not sure if this one was so well-received because of the breakthrough performances or the morally complicated question it left the viewer with. Or maybe it was graded on a curve because Ben Affleck directed it. If that is the case, wouldn’t Emilio Estevez’s Bobby have done better?

In America 

Jim Sheridan’s story of an Irish immigrant family adjusting to 1980′s Hell’s Kitchen is unexpectedly grabbing. Unlike Up, this film waits to the final moments to jerk the tears out of your face.

Junebug

Hicks. So like us.
 

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7 Movies Not To Watch If You’re Married http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-movies-not-to-watch-if-youre-married/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/7-movies-not-to-watch-if-youre-married/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Couples Retreat is sponsoring Break Media this week, so I’m going to go ahead and describe the film as a hilarious look at real world problems faced by married couples.But when it comes to looking at the real world problems of married couples, not all films are so friggin' hilarious.  In fact, some movies might just ruin your crappy marriage!If you ever want to get married, or you‘re already married and want to stay that way, I recommend you avoid these seven films like Bryan Singer avoids vagina.(Click on the posters to watch each movie's trailer.)Private Parts

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Couples Retreat is sponsorin Break Media this week, so I’m going to go ahead and describe the film as a hilarious look at real world problems faced by married couples.

But when it comes to looking at the real world problems of married couples, not all films are so friggin’ hilarious.  In fact, some movies might just ruin your crappy marriage!

If you ever want to get married, or you‘re already married and want to stay that way, I recommend you avoid these seven films like Bryan Singer avoids vagina.

(Click on the posters to watch each movie’s trailer.)

Private Parts

On the surface Howard Stern’s Private Parts might not seem so bad.  After all, the film is basically a love note from Stern to his wife.  It was his way of letting her know that despite all the breasts he sees on a daily basis, love conquers all.

The only problem is that the movie is complete B.S. Stern and his wife had already separated by the time filming completed, proving once again that boobies often conquer love.

 

Kramer vs. Kramer

It’s bad enough when your wife walks out on you, but just imagine if she didn’t take your snot-nosed little kid with her!  If the idea of raising some little sh*t by yourself frightens you, don’t watch this movie.

 

Eraserhead

When you break it down, the plot is basically the same as Kramer vs. Kramer, except with a lot more disturbing imagery.  And instead of being stuck with a snot-nosed little kid, the “protagonist” is stuck with some sort of wheezing reptilian miscarriage. This film will not make you feel good about tying the knot, or anything else, for that matter.

 

War of the Roses

It’s common knowledge that once you get married your odds of getting a blow job shrink dramatically.  This film’s disturbing bedroom scene will ruin those few occasions when you do.  

If you don’t want to become paranoid every time your wife tries to go down on you for your birthday, don’t watch this film.

 

Cheaper By The Dozen

This film graphically depicts just how disgustingly zany marriage and family can be.  On another level, it’s a sad example of the type of sh*tty movie you’re going to get stuck watching on a regular basis once you and your wife squirt out a kid.  Either way you look at it, it’s sad.

 

Revolutionary Road

Roger Ebert says Revolutionary Road is a film about the restlessness that comes into marriage when the partners realize they’re married for good and there’s an empty space at the center.

You can get that same feeling by looking at the beanbag chair that was once your wife’s firm and well shaped ass.  No need to give BlockBuster an extra five bucks.

 

Real Wife Stories

This film will be enjoyable from the time you press play until exactly three minutes later when the first Kleenex hits your abdomen.  But after that the film will either make you extremely paranoid about what your wife is up to while you’re at work, or very disappointed about what she’s not up to when you’re at home. 

Married men should avoid this film like the plague. Might I suggest a healthier alternative such as Back Door Babysitters or It’s Okay! She’s My Stepdaughter.  

 

Today’s Marquee Links

Meet the "Master Baiters"

 Tom Cruise Goes to College: A Comic Book

Half-Nekked Nichole S. Photos

How’s Your Gourd? [and other photos]

Maxim’s "Booty Issue" Girls

 

 

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