In an effort to establish a tenuous connection between popular Google search terms and the appearance of entertainment journalism, we’ve got a list of Victoria’s Secret models who have gone on to “acting careers.” Take a gander and try to keep it in your pants.

(The numbers by the names is a rating I have assigned each girl based on their acting talent, in which “1” is “bad” and “300” is “model-turned-actress-bad.”

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Why is it that supermodels think they can act? I understand that hiding bulimia from your parents takes some skill. Staying composed after snorting enough coke to kill a horse also takes a lot of talent. Even so, that doesn’t mean you’re ready to be on the big screen. But time and time again, models try their hand at feature films.  To make matters worse, time and time again we watch. Why? Because they are hot? That made sense 20 years ago, but in today’s day and age, all the boobs you can handle are just a few keystrokes away. There is no longer any justification for models making movies, especially when they are this bad.  Here’s a look at 7 of the worst supermodels who tried to act.

Estella Warren as Jessie in Kangaroo Jack (2003)

What’s more unbelievable: a talking Kangaroo or a model who can act? Aside from Kangaroo Jack, Warren’s other big role was as the hot semi-naked chick in the Planet of the Apes remake. Somehow, she wasn’t very believable in the role. If your two biggest roles are alongside talking animals, and the animal in question isn’t a Wookie, then it’s time to call it quits.

They say that a great film doesn’t rely on dialogue. With that in mind, here’s a clip from Kangaroo Jack dubbed into French.

Elle MacPherson as Julie Madison in Batman and Robin (1997)

It’s bad enough that Elle’s only major role was in Batman and Robin, one of the worst films of all time.  But what’s even more insulting is that this native Australian wasn’t even offered the role in Kangaroo Jack!

Tyra Banks as Deja in Higher Learning (1995)

The film Higher Learning bravely confronted the threat neo-Nazis posed to American college campuses in the mid 90’s. This wasn’t exactly a brave stance since there was no threat, but hey, Laurence Fishburne got an “Image Award” and Ice Cube got a pay check, so Hollywood’s “white guilt” was temporarily alleviated. 

However, the film did raise awareness of the growing threat from supermodel Tyra Banks. In a film filled with horrible acting and cartoonish dialogue, Banks somehow manages to standout as subpar. For example, take a look at her hilarious death scene. You might actually find yourself cheering for the skinhead.

Kathy Ireland as Wanda Saknussen in Alien From L.A. (1988)

Let’s hope Kathy Ireland is remembered for her good looks, because no one is going to remember her as an actress. For example, do you remember the ill-fated Naked Gun rip-off, Loade Weapon 1?  Well, she does, but only because she was in it. Perhaps you remember the college football spoof, Necessary Roughness, staring Sinbad and Scott Bakula? Not only was she in that film, but she had its funniest line. Unfortunately for the audience, the line was “Welcome to foot, balls.” Hilarious!

While Kathy has a lot of crap to choose from, her worst role was in the film Alien From L.A. Her voice is so damn irritating that I forget how badly I’d like to bang her, which is the only reason anyone would watch this crap in the first place. The movie was so terrible that Mystery Science Theater 3000 ended up watching it. If that doesn’t convince you to stick with modeling, nothing will.

Cindy Crawford as Kate McQuean in Fair Game (1995)

In all fairness to Cindy Crawford, she probably has some real acting ability. After all, she did pretend to love Richard Gere for all those years. However, that type of acting doesn’t always translate well to the silver screen. But she did get her chance in the 1995 flop, Fair Game. She played “a woman with a dangerous secret” who falls in love with “a cop on the edge!” The rest of the country played “an audience that stayed home.”

Her co-star in the film was also a model turned actor by the name of Billy Baldwin. He didn’t receive any monetary payment for his work, but as you’ll see in this scene, he did get to cop a feel on Cindy, which is a pretty good deal.

Claudia Schiffer as the Aerobics Instructor in Richie Rich (1994)

Claudia is one of the hottest women on the planet, but she couldn’t even get cast as a named character in a Macaulay Culkin film. Aerobics Instructor? Even John Larroquette’s character had a name. Couldn’t they at least have called her Claudia the Aerobics Instructor?  She’s either the worst actress in the world, or nobody taught her how to use the casting couch.

Claudia also played herself in the film Love, Actually. Anyone who was in that film should be shot.  I don’t have a punch line, because that wasn’t a joke.

Natasha Henstridge as Sil in Species (1995)

Natasha Henstridge is best known for her role in Species, which is to say she is best known for being in a real piece of sh*t. From what I remember, her character goes around having sex with guys before killing them.  It’s a lot like Monster, but instead of an ugly homeless chick there’s a sexy alien, and instead of winning Oscars it sucks balls. On that note, here’s a rare YouTube clip that shows boobies. It’s a Christmas miracle (NSFW)!

Today’s Marquee Links

Claudia Lampe is Smokin’

More Facebook Hotties

No Love for Lovie from Bear Fans