So, we’re left to wait to hear whether or not Fichtner will wear knife shoulder pads or a warthog, rhinoceros, or samurai rabbit costume. Keep in mind, he does have reasonable experience in dressing ridiculously.

Since saying, “These turtles are from an alien race, and they’re going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely lovable,” a year ago, Michael Bay has changed his tune, this time offering up, “There was that quote saying that we’re making them aliens. We’re not. It’s the ooze!”

I like the exclamation point after “ooze.” It’s a nice touch, and makes this written quote seem as though it should be barked by Tom Cruise or Will Smith.

While it’s pretty likely that Michael Bay heard the rumblings of the internet and changed the script, it’s all a fool’s errand, as adults who are enamored of the Ninja Turtles will always be unhappy about something (their own lives), and will take it out on the easiest person on hand (always Michael Bay).

Embrace it, Michael, and make them Teenage Mutant Jewish Turtles, and have them solve a fictionalized version of the Boston Marathon bombing. Give them something that DESERVES to be criticized.

Bay jacked on to the

The Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reimagining just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Danny Woodburn, best known for playing Mickey on Seinfeld and as the gangster murdered with a toilet in Watchmen, has been cast to play the turtles’ rodent mentor in the bizarrely cast film. Megan Fox and Will Arnett have recently joined as well, with unknowns Ian Ritchson, Pete Ploszek, Jeremy Howard, and Noel Fisher playing the turtles.

What remains unknown is whether Splinter will be brought to life via motion capture or prosthetic makeup but seeing as Woodburn is neither known for martial arts or being Asian, it’s an inspired and interesting choice. Plus we can all be happy that Bay showed restraint and didn’t cast Ken Jeong. (Deadline)

Additionally, FilmDrunk pointed out Mark Wahlberg’s tiny dinosaur arms and now it’s the only thing I see when I look at him. Just like the tooth in the exact center of Tom Cruise’s face.

While the “Internet forces Michael Bay to Cast Mark Wahlberg” headline makes for a fun little news story, the fact is that Michael Bay just got done working on a much smaller film about criminal bodybuilders that starred Wahlberg, so Bay probably just wanted to work with him again.

Little does he know that Mark Wahlberg is the property of David O. Russell, and that if he wants to use someone from Pain and Gain in Transformers, The Rock is a plenty good fit, seeing as how he pretty much resembles a Transformer already.

“I squashed a rumor that was on the internet last week. It was about Mark Walhberg. Mark was rumored to be staring in Transformers 4. We are working on another movie together, not T4. I had such a great time working with Mark on Pain and Gain, and he gave such a great performance – well let’s say that very internet chatter gave me some ideas. We are at the inception of our story process right now on T4. Let’s say some ideas are gaining traction with me and my writer – so I’m here to say thanks internet chatter.”

God Michael Bay, don’t jump into this heart first. You now how much passion you have to give and we don’t want to see you get the rebound treatment. Please protect your heart, you special man.

And learn how to spell your leading man’s name.

I know. I hate to be the one to bear this news as it will surely cut into cinephiles the world over. Somehow or another, the brass at Doritos have managed to coax the director of the Transformers franchise and producer of various horror retreads away from his artistic credibilities.

Bay has announced that he will have a hand in this year’s Doritos’ “Crash the Super Bowl” contest, even offering to take the winner under his wing. The contest winner will work for Bay on Transformers 4 in some kind of capacity.

I hope they like washing Ferraris. (THR)

I’m not naive enough to think anything other than money is guiding the hands behind this film series, but do they need to be so crass about it? I mean, announcing this Transformers news at a toy convention? Because sales of the Dark of the Moon‘s character’s toys were so slow? Ugh. At least have Michael Bay fax a pre-written press release from his yacht in Turk and Caicos or something.

These new characters will be hitting the screen at some point in 2014, by which point we will probably dead of our own hands. But if not…

…new Transformers characters. Yaayyyyyyyyyy?

Michael Bay’s Transformers is one of the most lucrative film franchises of all time. It’s also one of the most idiotic. Don’t get me wrong; hot chicks and robots are a great combo. But I’m not sure it’s worth sitting through two-and-a-half hours of product placement and Shia LaBeouf.

Don’t take my word for it. Let this Honest Trailer speak for itself.

Point being, this switch up in their mythos is wholly unnecessary and will only end as a mess. This is nothing new in the world of movie adaptations. Writers and directors are always providing small, unneeded tweaks to help make the projects stand apart from their earlier iterations. In some cases, it’s even welcomed. But in the case of Ninja Turtles it’s entirely unnecessary. Why not just make a movie about alien ninjas if you want to pervert the name recognition so badly?

Look at the below films and take notes, Mr. Bay, before you put more of your bad touch on the turtles.

Batman

Tim Burton took Batman’s arch nemesis The Joker into deeper arch nemesis-y waters with his take on the character in 1989′s Batman. In the film, Batman’s origin stays true to the classic storyline… for the most part. Yes, his parents are killed before his eyes by a mugger when he is just a boy. This sets Bruce Wayne on a path for vengeance, training and developing technologies to take back the streets of Gotham as the Caped Crusader, Batman.

In the original storyline, it’s a thug named Joe Chill who slays the Waynes. However in Burton’s take it is Jack Napier, who will later become The Joker, that pulls the trigger thus creating the Bat.

Spider-Man 3

In order to create the dark Spidey for Spider-Man 3, filmmakers had to do something to bring out Peter Parker’s anger. They chose to draw this rage from the mild-mannered photographer by rewriting the history of the sh*ttiest moment of his life — the murder of his Uncle Ben.

This version of the story sees Flint Marko, the man who becomes Sandman, as the partner to the carjacker who killed Peter’s beloved uncle. This sets Spider-Man on a path for vengeance that places a heavy burden on him when he gives in to his most violent impulses.

Also, the alien symbiote suit arrives to Earth via a meteorite that practically lands in Peter Parker’s picnic basket. Weak.

For this years TED 2012 conference, Engineers at the University of Pennsylvania pre-programmed the quadrotors to play the iconic song using instruments such as a a keyboard, cymbals, and a giant guitar custom made out of a couch frame. After all, its hard to play a regular guitar while you’re flying through the air. Just as John Denver. Zing!

What, too soon? (EW)

The Transformers director is once again directing a commercial for Victoria’s Secret. This time he’s in Miami spinning his camera around Doetzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel, and something called Behati Prinsloo (who is surprisingly not a Star Wars character). Seems risky to have a bunch of explosions in Miami. What with Cuba being right there. (Zimbio)

Producer Lorenzo Di Bonaventura told MTV News that a new Transformers is on the way with Bay at the helm, “Michael’s going to direct it. It will be in the summer of 2014.”

This won’t be another sequel per se. It looks like plans will involve bringing in a new cast of underwear models to team with the robots to save Earth. “I think we really are going to do a reboot there,” Di Bonaventura said. “[But] what that’s going to be, we don’t even know yet…. We’ve got to get a story first.”

Ha. Seeing as the first three earned $2.6 billion without a story, I’m thinking that’s not a real priority.

Here’s a rundown of films about Pearl Harbor ranked from worst to best. The spectrum works like this: If the film tugs at the heartstrings, it’s considered one of the best. If the film features time travel, it’s considered an abomination.

Pearl Harbor

Noticing that previous films about the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor weren’t awesome enough, Michael Bay set out to right that wrong. The Titanic-inspired result is a poorly written and acted film that focuses most of its attention on a love triangle. However, all that emotionally hooey is merely filler built up around the epic and realistic battle, because you can’t just release a movie about bombings and air battles without some kind of plot. It would be pretty cool if you could, though.

The Final Countdown

When a 1980′s aircraft carrier is accidentally warped back in time to 1941 Hawaii, they have precious hours to prevent the Japanese attack. Wow. I don’t know what’s more inappropriate: The fact that they based a science fiction film against the worst military attack on American soil, or that Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor is regarded as being worse than this.

Paramount knows how badly Bay has been wanting to do his passion project, Pain and Gain. It’s all he’s talked about at press cycles for the past few years but Transformers commitments have prevented him from filming it. Now, he’s getting his wish. But there’s a price to pay and that price is Transformers 4. Vulture’s source warns that a deal hasn’t been made yet, but one is imminent and could be announced early next week.

What a relief. The character arcs and plots of the Transformers universe are far too rich to possibly be told over just three empty-plotted movies.

The Rock is, according to this Variety exclusive, close to signing on, while Wahlberg requires a little more work to fit this into his busy schedule. The film’s budget is supposedly about $20 million, so it will be interesting to see how the stars fit into that, considering the two of these guys could eclipse that number with just their salaries.

While Michael Bay is being courted for Transformers 4, it’s likely that he’ll get after this project next, regardless of whether he signs on for yet another installment of the toy franchise.

Shia Labeouf has already said that he won’t be returning to the project, so the studio is looking elsewhere for a leading man. Though no offers have been made, nor discussion taken place, the name being kicked around right now is Jason Statham, which seems both unsurprising and pretty logical. And though Bay is committed to producing the film with Spielberg, sources say that he is also interested in directing, because he doesn’t want to live in a world where Michael Bay isn’t directing a Transformers movie.

It’s easy and it totally works. Need more money for your legal thriller? No problem. Just make Will Smith drink a prominently featured Sprite during his monologue to the jury. Then have him comment how he “f*ckin’ LOOOOVES Sprite,” before returning to defending the sick children in the civil rights case. Cha-ching! You just bought yourself a crane shot. Or, you know, you could do it in a subtle way and hope nobody notices.

Here are eleven films that did not take the subtle route.

Mac and Me

If you haven’t seen Mac and Me, you need to lead a sadder life. Inspired by the success of E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, Mac and Me tells the story of MAC (Mysterious Alien Creature), a young alien stuck on Earth after being separated from his family. He befriends a young boy and lives entirely off Coca-Cola and Skittles (just like me in college). Then there’s the “famous” McDonald’s scene where an impromptu dance-off happens for no reason other than the fact that there are some urban types around.

See for yourself. And look closely to see Jennifer Aniston in her first film role.

Demolition Man

In the future, all restaurants will be known as Taco Bell. That’s because Taco Bell won The Franchise Wars and claimed their supremacy over all over eating establishments.

Interesting fact: If you watch the film in Israeli, the restaurants are all called Pizza Hut. That’s because tacos are despised outside of the Americas.

Did Michael Bay Use The Same Incomprehensible Footage In Two Movies?

Uh, apparently there was another movie that opened this weekend too. It’s called Larry Crowne, a romantic comedy directed by up-and-comer Tom Hanks, who’s probably going to have a little trouble getting work after its paltry $14 million-dollar opening weekend. Maybe next time, kid. (The Playlist)

“I’m sure they’ll make more of them. It’s still a very hot franchise, there’s still value in it. I think people will still go to see it. I just don’t know if I have anything to contribute.”

7 photosRosie Huntington-Whiteley

The film is based on a news article (how un-Bay!) from 1998 that tells the story of a gang of body-building criminals. I guess the muscles could be CGI‘d. I mean, he’s gotta CGI SOMETHING. He couldn’t just go cold-turkey. That would kill him. The film would be made for $20 million, which Playlist comically points out is about 3 minutes of Transformers 3 budget.

It’s fashionable to trash Bay’s films, because frankly, they’ve been fairly brainless, big-budget summer fare. But considering he has never done a small-scale (or even particularly thoughtful) film, it will be borderline fascinating to see how he plays this. I think a good barometer will be his casting decisions; some no-name stars would go a long way to solidifying his efforts. That said, you know who would be good for this? Schwarzenegger.

Director: Michael Bay

Cast: Shia LeBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Tyrese Gibson

Synopsis: The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets

Release Date: June 29, 2011

If this were just a movie about cool robot fights, that would be awesome. That’s not what it is though. The robot fights are only okay at best, and it’s not a lack of plot that’s the problem. There’s TOO MUCH plot. Guys, stop telling Hollywood you want more story in your blockbusters. They don’t get it. They think it just means adding more explanation. Each sequel has a BIGGER plot that overshadows the action by sheer magnitude.

See New 3D 'Transformers: Dark Of The Moon' Trailer, If You've Got The Tech

I kind of dig the idea that the space program was really a government mission to investigate a crashed Cybertron ship on the moon. Just leave it at that. Don’t explain how Sam (Shia Labeouf) goes on job interviews making racist comments to Japanese stereotypes. Don’t have Charlotte (Frances McDormand) come in to reign in the Autobots until it’s too late. Don’t have Dylan Gold (Patrick Dempsey) explain… whatever it was he knew about. If it’s only about the robots, why apologize for that by contriving a long convoluted conspiracy plot? Is it guilt?

Of course Michael Bay introduces Sam’s new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) with an ass shot. Sam’s just used to having hot girlfriends now so he just complains about his job prospects and gender dynamics with disparate income levels. One of Sam’s little robot friends (either Brains or the other one) even comments on his last girlfriend, the mean one. Mom actually says, “What a gorgeous box” while a close-up of Huntington-Whitley is on screen. I mean, I’m not reading too much into this, am I? There was a possible hentai scene with Decepticon tentacles threatening her. Missed opportunity there.

9 photos‘Transformers 3′ Rolls Out Shiny, New Stills

There’s really not any action while all of this is going on. A few office machines turn into robots and the Autobots blow through some Iraqi roadblocks, but that’s just busy. It’s not really action. About an hour in there’s an okay freeway chase, but it’s totally derivative of the better freeway chase in Transformers 1 with the bus.

Finally the climactic battle goes on for about 55 minutes. That would be enough for sheer volume, if you’d gotten to it in 45 minutes. 90 minutes in, you’ve already burned that bridge. I still wasn’t engaged like in the first film. The tilted building is okay, like Inception with real world physics. Five minutes into that sequence, we see there are still people in the offices. Were they just trying to finish their work the whole time?

The IMAX does look better in the 2.35:1 ratio than the full frame IMAX sequences of Revenge of the Fallen. The 3-D cameras force it to remain steady. Even handheld shots are careful. But what really looks cool is the trailer to Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. With a full IMAX sequence on the Burj Khalifa, that movie looks fantastic!