MGM might actually be worse with money than Breaking Bad‘s Ted Beneke. Following their bankruptcy case, MGM has decided that the best way to get back up on its feet is to produce overblown remakes that the public never really asked for.

The studio will re-adapt the book Ben-Hur, and not the 1959 Charlton Heston film because the studio sold the film rights to Ted Turner, so this film isn’t even really predicated on them owning the material.

Execs are saying that this film will focus on Jesus and feature a chariot race, which I guess is a diplomatic way of saying ” Yeah, it’s going to be just like the old one anyway.”

No word on Jesus yet, but that Josh Hutcherson is getting some crazy-good buzz. Maybe he could be Christ. Or a Jewish slave.

Michael Keaton has been set to play the role of Raymond Sellars in the MGM/Columbia Pictures’ RoboCop remake. Sellars is the CEO of the corporation that builds RoboCop, a role that Hugh Laurie was expected to play until he dropped out before consummating a deal. The film, a re-imagining of the 1987 Paul Verhoeven cult classic, is scheduled to begin shooting next month. RoboCop will be released on August 9, 2013. (Deadline)

Pardon my excitement. I know this isn’t necessarily great news for the film, but it is the closest we’ll get to seeing Batman fight RoboCop on the big screen.

For those of you who haven’t committed the original Robocop to memory – first of all, what’s wrong with you? But also, the CEO of Omni Corp (the evil corporation of the movie) would appear to be an analogue to Ronny Cox’s character in the original movie. And if the remake goes in a similar direction, you can expect Laurie to be just one of many scoundrels who Robocop gets to blast into oblivion.

Assuming that Laurie and MGM reach an agreement, he’ll be joining a pretty impressive cast that includes Joel Kinnaman as Robocop, Abbie Cornish as Robocop’s wife, Samuel L. Jackson as some kind of media figure (media satire is a big part of the original movie), and Gary Oldman as the scientist who brings Robocop to life. (The AV Club)

We don’t glean much in the way of plot points from the video, but we get plenty of haunting drums, a la Christopher Nolan. And, yes, at the :56 mark, we see a man falling through the sky. A “Skyfall,” if you will.

Going on this, I would say the film looks promising, though would it kill Daniel Craig to smile a little?

The original Robocop came out in 1987 and spawned 2 sequels, a TV series, millions of dollars in merchandising, and at least one bizarre professional wrestling appearance, so it‘s easy to see why the studio has the confidence to give this a summer release. (The Playlist)

Let’s say the average move lasts about 90 minutes. I’m not exactly Rain Man, but that breaks down to 5,400 seconds per film. Assuming this film was shot at 24 frames per second, that comes out to 129,600 frames per film. So by looking at this boring picture of James Bond holding a gun, you’ve just witnessed 1/129,600_th of the movie. Excited yet?

Thanks so much, MGM! My life really does have a purpose, and it’s bringing people joy one pointless still at a time! Now 2/1/2012 will be remembered as the day we first saw a frame from Skyfall rather than the day that a hack movie blogger put his head in the oven.

Click “Next Page” to see the stupid pic…

Why? China.

The bad guys in the 1984 original were predictably the Soviets, which wouldn’t really make a lot of sense today. So the writers simply made the Chinese the ones who bring the fight to America‘s doorstep.

With China’s clout and purchasing power growing to juggernaut status, no studio wanted to risk offending the eastern superpower, so they punched up some of the images and dialogue in post and…voila! The Chinese become North Koreans! Cause that’s not offensive at all!

The North Koreans are forbidden by both their government and ours from buying any US goods, including films, so no one gives two shits if they get their feathers ruffled. YOU HEAR THAT NORTH KOREA? YOU GUYS CAN ALL GO TO HELL!!!! WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES!

Ahem.

FilmDistrict will be releasing the remake sometime in 2012. If they can change Chinese people to North Koreans, it’s gotta be possible for them to punch in some footage of Harry Dean Stanton getting gunned down while singing “America the Beautiful,” right?

7 photos‘The Simpsons’ Porn Might Make You Jaundice

The CG film will be directed by David Silverman (The Simpsons Movie), with a script by Jim Hecht (Ice Age: The Meltdown) and David Stern. (Variety)

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MGM says that if Gosling is still available in the future, and the project hasn’t yet lifted-off, he could return to the director’s chair. (Deadline)

However, the rumor is that Fox is lobbying to play Carrie in MGM and Screen Gem’s remake of the Stephen King classic. I like looking at Fox as much as the next guy, especially her boobs area, but that casting would be more horrifying than anything they could put on the screen. Never mind that Fox is 25, far from high school. Fox looks like the type of girl who would tease you into an eating disorder – not a bullying victim. Also, two words: Jennifer’s Body.

Another actress who apparently wants the role? Lindsay Lohan. *Knocks Head Against Wall* (ShowBizSpy)

MGM and Screen Gems are teaming up to reboot Carrie, the horror classic based on Stephen King‘s first published novel. Now that MGM is more financially stable, they’ve been rebooting everything and anything, from Robocop to Child’s Play. You can’t walk down the street without overhearing a conversation like, “when are they gonna make another new version of Carrie, after Carrie 2: The Rage was such a hit?” That’s probably why the studios hired comic book writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, who wrote the new, less horrifying version of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, to pen the screenplay.

Oh, one more prom safety tip: make sure the outcast you dump pig’s blood on doesn’t have psychic powers. That’ll cause the evening go south real fast. (Hollywood Reporter)

Sony will co-finance and distribute the next two James Bond movies, including the upcoming Bond 23 which might star Javier Bardem or Anthony Hopkins as the villain. In return, Sony executives had to dance around in gold bikinis for MGM execs, while they sat in their fancy suits and casually smoked cigarettes. Actually, MGM gets to co-finance several Sony’s films, including potentially big moneymakers like the Total Recall remake and David Fincher‘s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, cause MGM needs some sweet, sweet cash.

MGM was flirting with Fox, Warner Bros and Paramount, but the studio ultimately returned to its partner for past successes like Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. How very un-Bond-like of MGM, sticking with the same girl in the end. Well, I guess you never should say never again. (Deadline)

Of course, whether they actually GET anymore famous to play Robocop is another matter entirely, given that the part requires you to basically hide every part of your face except your chin for the bulk of the movie. I guess Tom Cruise has kind of a recognizable chin, but the others? Couldn’t pick ‘em out of a chin line-up. And Depp would probably base his Robocop on Freddy Mercury or something. (MovieHole)

All of the Chinese flags and insignia in the already-filmed movie are going to be replaced through the magic of CGI with their North Korean equivalents, in a movie that is said to be costing MGM around $1 million. But it’s well worth it from an economic standpoint, since many potential buyers for the film have balked at its lack of marketability in China. Oh, how I long for the days when all you needed to sell a movie was an Ewok. (via The Playlist)

MGM has hired Zetumer to pen their Robocop reboot, to be helmed by gritty Brazilian filmmaker Jose Padilha (Elite Squad). Zetumer’s credits include a draft of a Dune movie, a draft of Bourne 4, and a draft of a draft of a rewrite of something else big, I’m sure. However, he’s never been given an on-screen credit. Because of this, maybe MGM will insist on putting him into a robot body that will allow him to write stronger and faster than ever before. Nothing gives a writer more confidence than becoming a cyborg. (/Film)

Sony and MGM are hammering out an agreement that might give Sony rights to distribute old and new projects, like Red Dawn and the upcoming Bond films. They would also co-finance upcoming Bond movies, because putting your money behind Bond is a safe bet. Especially when he goes all-in. Daniel Craig, you have one hell of a poker face.

We’ll see if the deal pans out, and if we get to see these movies. Or they might end up dead… in a Cabin In The Woods. Because they’re a bunch of stupid college kids. (Cinema Blend)

Bardem’s a busy guy. Last week he got nommed, ruined Penelope Cruz‘s vagina, and was offered the lead in The Dark Tower. There aren’t any details available about which character Bardem would play, but it’s likely he’ll play the lead villain considering James Bond isn’t really the type for bromance. The film is scheduled to shoot this fall with a planned release in November 2012.

Whether this gig will effect his involvement in The Dark Tower (and vice versa) remain unknown. I recommend just mashing up the two projects and make Roland Deschain into Bond’s nemesis this time around. It would save film and time and it’s not like MGM is in a position to say no. (Deadline)

Representatives say, “Sir Peter is currently resting comfortably and his doctors expect him to make a full recovery. Sir Peter’s surgery is not expected to impact on his directing commitment to The Hobbit beyond a slight delay to the start of filming.”

Oh man. No coffee on the set for Sir Peter. He’s going to be cranky.

Is it just me or does this production seem cursed? First, they couldn’t find a director. Then they couldn’t find money. Then they couldn’t find a crew. Then they were called racists. So help me, if this film harms one hair on Ian McKellan‘s elderly head… (Deadline)

This turnaround is something of a surprise, considering that producer Michael G. Wilson had expressed a number of concerns regarding “a lot of ideas floating around” with the script from Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and John Logan. Apparently, MGM found a way to put those concerns to rest, probably because they really, really need the revenue that their Bond sugar daddy can provide.

With that in mind, it’s probably no surprise that further details aren’t available, as this has every symptom of a “shoot first, ask questions later,” decision to get production rolling, then figure out those pesky script and logistical issues on the fly. Fortunately, they have two years to figure those issues out, but still, a suspect start for the next episode in the widely-loved series.

Peter and Bobby Farrelly are on board to direct the film, which was originally part of MGM‘s lineup before financial troubles forced the studio to abandon the project. It’s a shame MGM couldn’t hold onto the rights. Mel Gibson did a TV movie based on the Stooges a few years back, and look at him now!

Producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli told Total Film (via MI6), “Well, our timeline’s a littl up in the air what with the situation at MGM, so we have to be flexible. We just don’t know enough about the situation to comment, but we know it’s uncertain.”

Peter Morgan, Neal Purvis, and Robert Wade are all working on a script, with the hopes that someone someday might actually shoot it. Sounds like the producers don’t even know what’s being put on the page. Wilson said, “You know, often at this stage, I find myself saying, ‘Oh, we’re gonna do this and that’, then six months from now you’ll say, ‘That isn’t in the film at all – you told me it was…’ I think we’re at the stage where a lot of ideas are floating around that sound very good, but whether they make the final cut, who knows?”

Why worry about a final cut when you can’t even get bloopers in the can? So right now, don’t count on another Bond film until MGM figures out its shit. By that time, Justin Bieber will be old enough to play him. I meant that as a joke, but now I’m stuck with the haunting realization that it could happen. (ThePlaylist)

_{James Bond has met his match — Super Glue.}

MGM recently filed for bankruptcy, and you know what that means. It’s time for them to make movies! Don’t ask me how the government works because I cannot enlighten you. The Hobbit is finally scheduled to begin filming in February, and now it looks like MGM’s other huge franchise, the James Bond series, is picking up steam maybe but who the hell knows for sure.

The studio aims to have the next Bond film in theaters November 2012, though a few minor problems lay in the project’s path. MGM needs a partner with the ever important financial means to fund the movie. Also, it’s not known if Daniel Craig has time in his schedule, or if currently-signed-on-director Sam Mendes wants to deal with this back and forth B.S. anymore. The only thing we know for certain is, MGM needs to get a second job cleaning office buildings at night to put food on the lion’s table. (ThePlaylist)

As part of the reorganization, Spyglass Entertainment will take over management of MGM. Also, company mascot, Leo the Lion, will be euthanized as a cost-cutting measure, and his meat will be sold to the Chinese, who consider lion flesh to be an aphrodisiac. (Vulture)

It’s good to know that some forward momentum is being made on The Hobbit despite the labor disputes that are tripping up the film’s location. The first round of casting has been announced and you’re going to be psyched. But only if you’re knowledgeable about British television. Here’s who we got so far:

Martin Freeman (UK "The Office") as Bilbo Baggins
Richard Armitage ("Spooks") as Thorin Oakenshield, Dwarf leader
Aidan Turner ("Being Human") as Kili
Rob Kazinsky ("EastEnders") as Fili
Graham McTavish (Secretariat) as Dwalin
John Callen ("Power Rangers Jungle Fury") as Oin
Stephen Hunter ("All Saints") as Bombur
Mark Hadlow (King Kong) as Dori
Peter Hambleton ("The Strip") as Gloin
 
Ian McKellan and Andy Serkis have not been confirmed to return, but that announcement is expected. Stephen Fry, Saoirse Ronan, Bill Nighy, James Nesbitt, and David Tennant are all also rumored to be up for parts. But I think the biggest news to come out of this is that there’s a show called "Power Rangers Jungle Fury" and it actually lead to someone getting more work. (Deadline)

^{Clever girl.}

Peter Jackson has finalized his deal to return to the Shire. The Lord Of The Rings helmer is locked and loaded and ready to direct the living crap out of The Hobbit. New Line Cinema and MGM managed to come to a deal. My bet is the cash-strapped MGM will have to do New Line’s laundry for an entire year. Either that or something having to do with percentage points.

However, this wouldn’t be The Hobbit if there weren’t concerns over additional delays. The project has overcome bankruptcy and a fire, but is now only curtailed by a union dispute in New Zealand. If this cannot be resolved for the planned February start date, the production will have to move elsewhere. Which will cause more delays and drive up the already high budget. Which means MGM will be folding undies for a long time to come. (NY Times)

_{You want Bilbo Baggins, Freeman wants a Kit-Kat.}

People are talking about The Hobbit again. Yesterday, The Sun reported that New Line and MGM were doing everything short of offering up hookers to land Martin Freeman (The British "The Office") for the role of Bilbo Baggins. We obviously dismissed it because The Sun has as much clout as Highlights Magazine, but now Entertainment Weekly is reporting that the rumors are true. TRUE!

It was at first thought that Freeman declined the offer to star in the inevitable blockbuster due to his committment to the BBC series "Sherlock." Well someone must have screamed some sense in his face because the studios are now working out a deal that would allow him to appear in both projects. If they land the actor, all they’ll need to worry about next is money and a director. Those kind of major factors usually fall into place last minute though. Take it from MGM, the studio without a bush to piss in or a lion’s den to throw it out of.   

While Peter Jackson is confident that the legal squabble between Warner Bros. and MGM over The Hobbit will be resolved "sometime soon," the Lord of the Rings prequel may not be his primary concern.

During an interview with New Zealand’s Dominion Post, the acclaimed director discussed plans for his long-awaited ANZAC project, which would depict the exploits of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps during World War I. Jackson hopes to complete the project before the 100th anniversary of the disastrous Battle of Gallipoli in 2015.

"It was doomed because while the Australians charged the Nek from below, the New Zealanders, who were supposed to simultaneously attack from above, didn’t show up. But that’s another story, and one I’d love to make as the 100th anniversary gets closer."

While the 100th anniversary of the Battle of Gallipoli is an important milestone, let’s not forget that the eleventy-billionth anniversary of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields is also approaching. Allowing The Hobbit to languish in legal limbo spits on the memory of all those who gave their live fighting Sauron and his evil minions. Shame on you, Peter Jackson. (Empire Online)