A sh*t ton of kids, explosions, muscular women, a boa constrictor, and clown tears. Tonight’s TV Preview is my 12th birthday all over again.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

OCTOMOM: THE INCREDIBLE UNSEEN FOOTAGE
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: She rose to infamy earlier this year when she popped out eight kids in a bid to get rich and famous on TV. Of course her plan failed as no network would sink to the level of exploita– oh right. I forgot that FOX exists. Their ethics are as loose as her womb.

BOBB’E SAYS
Network: CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8 – 8:30PM

Reasons to watch: Hilarious kid actor Bobb’e J. Thompson has a new show where he gives advice on style, success, and gaining popularity. Can a thirteen year-old really dispense useful sage wisdom? This one can. Did you see Role Models? He’s wise beyond his years. In fact, his precociousness has led to some debate at Screen Junkies HQ. Patrick reckons that he’s an adult in a kid’s body a la Andy Milonakis and I purport that he’s actually an eternal child vampire a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire.

XXX: STATE OF THE UNION
Network: FX
Time: 8 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: When history looks back, the original XXX will be remembered as being completely stupid. It was so dumb that I’m surprised the filmmakers managed to save some retarded for the sequel. At least this time around they ditch the extreme sports junkie angle and get down to a more straight-up action movie. After all, the action is all this movie has to offer. I recommend watching it with the volume turned off.

TRAGIC SIDE OF COMEDY
Network: BIOGRAPHY
Time: 9 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: This special focuses on the tragic lives of comedians. Amongst those profiled are John Belushi, Farley, and Phil Hartman. Twelve years later and Farley’s absence is still sorely felt. Our current funny fat guys have really got to step it up. I’m just chuckling over here. Not guffawing.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: DISCOVERY
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tonight, Bear Gryll’s has to contend with a 9-foot boa constrictor. Well, he doesn’t have to. He chooses to. Just like the picture above where he chooses to eat a zebra carcass. This guy is nuts. He’s like a Tom Green that housewives want to bang.

TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Network: E!
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The world of female bodybuilding is explored. If you have any love or respect for your penis, you’ll read a book. A book with pictures of non-swollen women in it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Mike Myers; Ken Burns

CONAN (repeat)
Judd Apatow; Meryl Streep; The Fray

KIMMEL (repeat)
Katherine Heigl; David and Shaun Cassidy

FERGUSON
Dane Cook; Peter Travers

FALLON (repeat)
Betty White; Opie and Anthony; Martha Wainwright