Screen Junkies » luke skywalker

8 Movie And TV Children Who Are Bastards, Just Like Khloe Kardashian (Allegedly)

Penn Collins — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:39:50 +0000

So the word on the street is that Khloe Kardashian might not be Robert Kardashian’s daughter. I’m going to ignore the fact that it’s unbelievably sad that this is what is being discussed on “the street,” and get right to the matter at hand – sometimes children are born out of wedlock. Sometimes they turn out to be pretty awesome people, like Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. And sometime they end up like…well, a Kardashian.

Khloe should carry no shame in light of these recent allegations (well, no more shame than she should be carrying for just being Khloe Kardashian). So lift that head up and know that if this thing turns out to be true, sure, it will be a hardship, and your place in your family will probably be in tumult, but you’re practically guaranteed to get an offer for a Mamma Mia! adaptation on Lifetime.

So it’s really a blessing!

Jon Snow – Game of Thrones
Snow’s cross to bear as the bastard son of Ned Stark is not insignificant, as he sees his siblings grow up in relative luxury. But he’s still better off than his brother Bran in that he has functioning legs. The upside to all this illegitimacy business is that Jon Snow has nothing to lose (hey, I’m looking for a silver lining here…) and as such has sworn his life to protecting a wall with a fat kid. The show makes it out to be a hell of a lot more noble than that description.

Fat Bastard – Goldmember

Fat Bastard lives up to both aspects of his name, in that he is quite corpulent, and also a bit of a dick, trying to kill protagonist Austin Powers. I’ve written to Mike Meyers (via New Line) asking for a family tree that tracks Fat Bastard’s lineage, but I haven’t gotten a response.

On a related note, I think my mailman is a drunk.

A Proportionate Response: Wife Smothered To Death After Smashing Husband’s ‘Star Wars’ Toys

Penn Collins — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:04:01 +0000

In news that wouldn’t have happened if she had just kept her damn hands off his stuff like he asked her to, Rickie La Touche smothered his wife with a pillow after she destroyed the Star Wars figures he had been collecting since he was a child. After killing her, the Englishman man ran down the street sobbing to his mother’s house, which was nearby.

It’s interesting that a 30 year-old man who collects Star Wars toys lives close to his mom. That really could have gone either way.

It’s worth noting that La Touche’s wife, Pornpilai Srisroy, threatened to leave him to go back to her native Thailand, which may have factored into his decision to murder her. But honestly, it was probably more about the toys.

La Touche has been sentenced to life in prison, with a minimum of 12 years. Gotta love European sentencing guidelines.

Geez, lots of Star Wars related deaths this week…right, folks?

Nude Girl Buys Horse, Shoots It, Then Resides In Its Corpse A La ‘Empire Strikes Back’

Penn Collins — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:07:33 +0000

A 21 year-old Portland nudist girl by the name of Jasha Lottin doesn’t see what the big fuss is about. All she did was buy and kill a horse in order to pose nude inside its bloody carcass. I mean, it’s not like she didn’t eat the horse when she was done – she did. But relax, everyone. It was for an art project.

Is it just me, or does this sound like EXACTLY the type of thing that a Portland nudist would have an issue with?

If the notion of stuffing yourself inside a bloody animal sounds familiar, it’s probably because Han Solo stuffed Luke Skywalker inside a dead Tauntaun to keep him warm in Empire Strikes Back.

Lottin shot the horse (it was 32 and already scheduled to be euthanized, if that helps) and crawled inside it so that she could be “one with the animal.” Well, I hope she achieved that after replacing the horse’s intestines with her own, warm, naked body.

Don’t get me wrong, I like cute naked girls covered in horse blood, it’s just that this seems a little “on the nose.” It’s probably the guts and the fact that she crammed herself inside a dead f*cking horse.

Click the image below for more pics…

(A.V. Club)