An inmate in L.A. County jail, Anthony “Chopper” Garcia, is in slightly more trouble now that he’s been found to have fraudulently collect more than $30,000′s worth of unemployment benefits while serving a sentence for murder.

Normally, this infraction would be considered a rounding error of the original crime of murder, but we’re only two weeks removed from the Oscars, and news is still pretty slow, so let’s discuss this further.

While incarcerated, Garcia had his father and two (!) girlfriends cash the checks, then deposit them in his inmate account. This set of the circumstances begs the question of “Why the shit do inmates need cash accounts?” But we’re not Mother Jones or The New Republic, so we’ll let the fat cats in Washington sort that out while we berate teenagers on XBox live.

Now is as good a time as any to add that Anthony Garcia has a tattoo on his chest which depicts the crime he committed, and that tattoo was used as evidence against him. That’s awesome. Shortsighted, but awesome.

The media has a way of perpetuating the notion that all news stories in and around Hollywood have to do with the glamorous entertainment industry. We at Screen Junkies would like to give our readers the entire story, and that means offering some Los Angeles-based news that might not make it into ‘USWeekly’ or Entertainment Tonight.

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As the deadline nears, production companies are considering emigrating from Los Angeles to locales that don’t have such restrictions in place. Though it’s unlikely that the industry will emigrate en masse, there are many cities that would be both viable and desirable for porn film production. Many aren’t intuitive, but behind each location listed are some unique aspects that many may find to be more desirable than Los Angeles (which includes the valley districts of Chatsworth, Canoga Park, and many others).

El Paso

El Paso seems like an odd choice for to house the porn industry, but it serves a niche purpose. A study done in 2004 found the Texas border town to be the sweatiest city in the United States. With an average summer temperature of 93 degrees and relative humidity of 70%, El Paso is a sauna all right. El Paso City Council has been trying to repudiate the claim, as would most cities, but why not turn a problem into an opportunity, as everyone (I think) loves good, sweaty sex.

Think about the marketing. “_________ (film name) offers the kind of sweaty lovemaking that only El Paso can provided. Sure, other films offer sweaty sex, but shooting in El Paso means that we couldn’t get any sweatier if we tried.”

This goes hand-in-hand with an idea I had for Bikram pornography, but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that until the patent office gets back to me.

Portland

Portlandia has become a cult hit as it observes, reports, and ridicules the idiosyncrasies of this one-of-a-kind town, so why not demonstrate to what end those quirks exist? We’re over schoolgirls, exercise instructors, and cheerleaders. Give us baristas, underemployed DJs, and bicycle messengers. I’m getting worked up just thinking about it!

I would like to see fetish films about fair-trade sex and environmentally responsible gangbangs. In fact, I’m going to demand it. I hear the quality of life is amazing in Portland, so I’m sure that the talent would be thrilled to move there.

Also, Voodoo Donuts is amazing.

Read more Hooray for Hollywood!

The board has raised the fine for throwing a football or Frisbee on a public beach to $1,000. I’m not sure if I’m more shocked by the price of the fine, or by the fact that throwing a football at the beach is already illegal.

According to the L.A. Times, the updated rules now prohibit “‘any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll’ any object other than a beach ball or volleyball” during the Summer beach season. I assume this will not apply to rolling a joint, provided you have the proper paperwork.

Between this and the L.A. City Council’s decision to mandate condoms in porn, Los Angeles is beginning to feel like Nazi Germany, except, of course, for the lack of antisemitism, the lack of militarism, and the staggering array of different races, languages and cultures. But otherwise, it’s just like it! (Source)

Luckily, the porn I like is made in a basement in Romania.

Earlier this year, producers threatened to leave town if authorities tried to slip in an ordinance that would require their actors to wear condoms while pounding one another. But the industry is now adopting a wait-and-see approach, hoping authorites won’t be able to get it up, so to speak.

“It’s going to be interesting to see how in fact they do try to enforce it and who’s going to fund it, and all of the time and effort they’re going to spend,” said Steven Hirsch, co-founder and co-chairman of Los Angeles-based Vivid, one of the largest makers of erotic movies.

“Ultimately I think what they will find is people will just stop shooting in the city of Los Angeles,” added Hirsch. “That’s a given.”

The ball is in porn’s hands now. Will they pack up their bags and board a Greyhound out of town in pursuit of their dreams?

Furthermore, penis. (Washington Post)