NASA seems confident that the risks to human life are extremely small. However, if movies have taught me anything it is that satellites can be extremely dangerous. They can be used to cripple world economies, spy on Will Smith, and even raise the dead. So, please enjoy your last moments on Earth with these 5 movie satellites that could kill us all.

Scoop VII – The Andromeda Strain

The Andromeda Strain points out the inherent dangerous side effect of sending something into space. Namely, Space Rabies. When the Scoop VII satellite crashes into a New Mexico town, it brings a deadly virus with it referred to as The Andromeda Strain. Great. I’m worried enough about Earth viruses. Am I going to have to worry about alien ones now too?

Unnamed Satellite – Night Of The Living Dead

Okay. If the idea of a space virus sounds far-fetched, how about the much more realistic possibility of harmful radiation from space? Could happen, right? In the case of Night of the Living Dead, harmful radiation from a downed satellite causes the Earth’s dead to rise from their graves and begin eating the living. Which I really hope can’t happen and doesn’t happen this weekend. I have plans to go see the Descendents.

SkyLab – Wet Hot American Summer

A piece of NASA’s SkyLab (the original space junk) threatens the campers at Camp Firewood. Luckily, an astrophysics associate professor from the local college is on the scene and shows the campers how to build a device that will protect them from certain doom. However, it’s unclear whether or not SkyLab returned with any space viruses that raise the dead. But I kinda hope it did. That would be an awesome sequel.

Paramount must realize the colossal turkey they have on their hands with G.I. Joe because now they’re trying a new marketing approach… targeting dummies. A few weeks ago they directed their efforts on the Jersey Shore , now the LA Times is reporting that the advertising is focusing heavily on mid-America. The film is apparently embedded in the Kid Rock concert tour and advertising on giant screens in the Mall Of America. The message of this campaign being, it is your patriotic duty to see this movie. All right, fine. I love my country so I’ll see this movie. Even though the post-traumatic stress will probably leave me a shell of my former self.

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