Let’s get you squared away for the weekend. Tainted meat, spoiled pets, college hijinks, plane crashes, Neil Diamond, and Lucy Liu: Vampire Hunter round out what you should be watching. I should also note that you don’t want to miss the return of Battle Whale.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

NEIL DIAMOND — HOT AUGUST NIGHT: NYC
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Godfather of Adult Contemporary Cock Jams is bringing his electricity to NYC for ONE NIGHT ONLY. This is a huge cause for celebration. 8PM on Friday, pre-game with Neil.
 

WHALE WARS
Network: ANIMAL
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team plans to poison the whale meat aboard the Japanese ship to make it worthless. Later Paul witnesses a brutal whale killing. And an act of vengeance pitches Battle Whale’s soul into a dark place. One from which there may be no coming back.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Sandra Day O’Connor; MSTRKRFT with John Legend

CONAN
Shaquille O’Neal;  Demetri Martin; Jack Ingram

KIMMEL
Jonah Hill; Mary McCormack; Ryan Sheckler

FERGUSON
Liza Minnelli; archaeologist Kara Cooney

FALLON
January Jones, Neal Brennan

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15th, 2009
 

BACK TO SCHOOL
Network: HBO
Time: 8:15 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: How can you look into those bulbous, leaky eyes and say ‘no’?
 

INSANELY PAMPERED HOLLYWOOD DOGS
Network: Style
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tune in and find out why the terrorist hate us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16th, 2009
 

RISE: BLOOD HUNTER
Network: Syfy
Time: 7 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lucy Liu returns from the grave to destroy the vampires that killed her. I don’t think this ever got a theatrical run. So let me get this straight. Lucy Liu made a movie worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever??
 

HUDSON PLANE CRASH — WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Find out the real truth about what brought Flight 1549 down on that chilly, winter day. And find out why the birds would attack us like that after years of peace. Can we peacefully co-exist again or is it time for Operation: Chase After Some Pigeons With A Weed Whacker?