Screen Junkies » lists http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:45:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 BuzzFeed Has Raised $50 Million To Make Movies. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/buzzfeed-has-raised-50-million-to-make-movies-noooooooooooo/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/buzzfeed-has-raised-50-million-to-make-movies-noooooooooooo/#comments Mon, 11 Aug 2014 17:07:12 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=264048 If I won't click on a list on Facebook, I probably won't drive to a theater and pay money to watch one.

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While that headline will no doubt haunt your nightmares as you try to understand how “15 Things Cats Get Right” will translate to the big screen, let us disclose that the new BuzzFeed studio will be making clips as short as 6 seconds as well as features. So they’ll be doing a lot of different stuff, not just feature films.

I guess that’s comforting. No. It’s not. Their short videos will be rough, too.

The only good thing about BuzzFeed making motion pictures now is that they’ll be a little too big for your aunt to share on Facebook, so they might not be popping up in your newsfeed, and you can always choose not pay to see it in the theater.

No words on what films the studio has in the works, if any, but I’m hoping “15 Things Only Amputees from Dover, Delaware Will Understand” gets greenlit before “A Gallery That Proves Ryan Gosling Is the Perfect Man.”

Strange times, my friends. Strange times.

(THR)

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Do Movies With Intentionally Misspelled Titles Always Suck? An Investigation http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/do-movies-with-intentional-misspellings-always-suck-an-investigation/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/do-movies-with-intentional-misspellings-always-suck-an-investigation/#comments Thu, 07 Aug 2014 17:18:03 +0000 Jared Jones http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=263828 You can tell a lot about the intentional misspelling of a word in a film — mainly, that it is poison and should be avoided at all costs.

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By Jared Jones

Just yesterday, we all learned that the title of the new, completely necessary Terminator film will be Terminator: Genisys. You see, it’s clever because the non-Terminator word in that title is normally spelled “genesis.” Apparently, the film’s assertion is that illiteracy, not technology, will be the cause of man’s ultimate undoing at the hands of our future robot overlords. It’s an interesting premise, I’ll give it that much.

As luck would have it, you can actually tell a lot about the intentional misspelling of a word in a movie title, band name, MMA fighter nickname or whathaveyou — mainly, that any person or product that opts for one is terrible and should be avoided at all costs. An intentionally misspelled movie title is like the shake of a rattlesnake’s tail, warning you that it would be stupid bordering on deadly to proceed any further with the thing you are looking at. A few prime examples…

Se7en

Well, my theory is off to a rough start, because David Fincher’s Se7en is an undeniably awesome film. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and a box with Gwyneth Paltrow‘s head in it is, like, exactly how I’d describe my dream vacation, you guys. That said, whoever chose to replace the “v” with the number 7 should have their head placed right beside Gwyneth’s in that box.

How am I even supposed to pronounce that? Se-seven-en? Sev-even? Sussudio?

It’s probably Sussudio. It’s always Sussudio.

Simon Sez

It took me a good half hour to realize that Simon Sez was not Double Team, that *other* late 90′s action movie starring Dennis Rodman. I probably should have realized that one of them co-starred Jean-Claude Van Damme while the other co-starred…Dane Cook?! That can’t be right. The timelines of fame don’t line up, and plus, there is no union on the Venn Diagram between Rodman and Cook fans.

This is ridiculous. We should all probably give this one a look…

Well, that’s definitely Dane Cook all right. In 30 seconds, I counted a Chewbacca impression, a dinosaur impression, and a dog impression. The man is truly the Michael Winslow of non police-themed comedy. And if you somehow make it past all that, you will find John Pinette (R.I.P), a Grey Poupon joke, and a villain who uses the phrase “Tea time!” to commence nuclear destruction. I am so goddamn depressed right now. Like, with humanity.

Antz

It’s bad enough that this movie was a cheap, transparent ripoff of A Bug’s Life which owed its creation to a grudge between movie studios, but if you were to ask me (which you are doing by virtue of reading this article), the most shameful atrocity Antz committed was that upon the English language.

Replacing an “s” with a “z” is neither, hip, chill, cool, or clever, and our country has arguably never recovered from the S to Z movement spurred by this film. I don’t care how important your main character is, he is not allowed to have an impact on the nomenclature of his species. What, are we all suppose to start calling ourselves Homobama Sapiens because Barry O’s in the White House? And do the people who created this bastard Bug’s Life abomination honestly expect to us pronounce the “z” as an actual “z”, making it sound as if we are buzzing in on a game show while discussing movies with our friends? And if they wanted that, why not make the movie about bees and call it Buzz?

There. In three seconds, I have come up with a better film than you, Dreamworks. Enjoy your studio that was built on a throne of lies.

eXistenZ

WHAT DID I JUST SAY, EXISTENCE?!!

This movie was actually OK though.

Click the “next page” link for more movie titles that were too hip for their own good…

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Viewer Discretion Advised: Eight Of the Most F*cked-Up Movies Ever Made http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/genres-movies/cult-films/viewer-discretion-advised-eight-of-the-most-fcked-up-movies-ever-made/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/genres-movies/cult-films/viewer-discretion-advised-eight-of-the-most-fcked-up-movies-ever-made/#comments Tue, 15 Jul 2014 01:00:27 +0000 bgoldstein http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=262984 By Dustin Seibert During a recent transatlantic flight, I had the occasion to watch Martyrs, a 2008 French horror film that just made its way to iTunes this year. Part...

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By Dustin Seibert

During a recent transatlantic flight, I had the occasion to watch Martyrs, a 2008 French horror film that just made its way to iTunes this year. Part of the “New French Extremity” movement, “Martyrs” is one of a number of movies from the country in recent years with transgressive (read: totally f*cked-up) content that has resulted in controversy, outright bans and heavy edits in order to be released in certain countries. Needless to say, my wife had a few choice words for me every time she glanced over at my iPad while Martyrs was playing.

Only a couple of the films on this list are considered New French Extremity Movement, but they all have a few things in common: First, none of them would ever, ever, ever be released as their director intended through a mainstream Hollywood studio. Second, you don’t wanna watch any of these flicks with a woman you just started dating unless she’s really “alternative” or particularly open-minded. Finally, with few exceptions, these films don’t bother with happy, tidy denouements…the likes of which often drive American cinema.

Some critics find reasons to praise films like these on this list as “haute art cinema,” using adjectives like “beautiful” and “thought-provoking.” But if we’re keeping it one-hunnid, much of this stuff is pure exploitation from the minds of people looking to push the envelope as far as they can. And nothing’s wrong with that — as long as your stomach can handle it.


1. A Serbian Film:
Easily one of the most disturbing films ever put to celluloid, A Serbian Film is the feel-good story of a down-on-his-luck porn star who agrees to submit to extreme acts for a snuff film. I could list some examples of the worst moments, but there’s almost too much to choose from — it’s as if the film’s writers sat down with a 20-sided die, with each side representing a morally repugnant, sexually violent act, rolled a few and tossed the results in the film’s final version. There’s simply no leeway with this one, which is why it’s been banned in a bajillion countries or ridiculously edited in a few of the countries willing to screen it. The film’s final act will make you cry and throw up at the same time. Approach with caution.


2. A L’interieur (Inside) (2007):
One of the best horror movies I’ve seen in the past decade, the film does just about everything right to cook up genuine dread and tension, not to mention bucketloads of gore. A simple home invasion flick at heart, the story involves a mysterious French dame going after another French dame, who happens to be bursting-at-the-seams pregnant, in her own crib. The invader’s goal: cut the unborn baby from her stomach. The aggressor has her reasons, but I’ll leave that for you to discover on your own. No movie on this list comes more recommended than this one.


3. Irreversible (2002):
The first movie I ever watched on this list, I wasn’t quite prepared to watch what they subjected Italian sex kitten Monica Bellucci to in this film. Her 9-minute vicious rape and beating still stands as the most psychologically intense assault I’ve ever seen on screen (including the other films on this list). Between that and the head-splooshing beating in the beginning of the film (which plays in reverse chronologically), this French film will stay with you long after you hit the stop button; unlike most others on this list, it received legitimate honors in film festivals.


4. Salò, or The 120 Days of Sodom (1975):
Not quite sure where to start with this one, outside of the fact that there’s probably no other film in existence that revels in making its performers eat shit. Literally. A handful of rich, amoral bastards in post-Mussolini 1940s Italy kidnap a bunch of teenagers and subject them to every act of filth-flarn-filth, including rape, eating biscuits filled with nails and getting branded, scalped and forced to eat trays of crap. It’s subtitled, grody, and otherwise pretty lame to sit through. For curious masochists only.


5. The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011): The original Human Centipede was more of an exercise in gross ideas and less in graphic imagery. But when writer/director/clearly normal human being Tom Six was criticized for not having enough gore in it, he said, “Oh yeah, well fuck y’all!” and created a sequel where he went balls-to-the-wall. There’s a lot to pick from in this film, but the scene of the antagonist plucking out a victim’s healthy teeth one by one? I may have actually winced, and I’m an effing statue.


6.
Battle Royale (2000): I’ve always considered Battle Royale the spiritual predecessor to The Hunger Games. Except, the latter book was able to be adapted into a Hollywood film palatable for mainstream audiences, while I can’t see how on earth Battle Royale could work in Hollywood. One of the least gory films on this list, it’s still screwed up by virtue of the fact that it focuses on kidnapped high schoolers violently dispatching one another. Those Japanese, boy…


7. I Spit on Your Grave (original and remake):
These movies are about a woman getting delicious — and very violent — revenge on her attackers. The issue is, her revenge comes after a brutal, unflinching gang rape that the camera almost seems to delight in. After 36 years, it’s still considered incredibly controversial and disturbing, having invited the ire of many well-respected film critics. The original’s creator promises it’s a feminist film, but let’s be honest: most women wouldn’t get anything from watching this movie except justifiably upset. A remake was released in 2010 (which spawned a sequel in 2013), so clearly there’s still an audience for it.


8. Aftermath (1994):
It’s difficult to even categorize this as a movie so much as a perverted man’s idea of art, though some folks are happy to consider it so. Filmed almost entirely in a morgue, the 32-minute flick is disturbing not just for its depiction of autopsies (which basic cable made less taboo a decade ago) but for its unnamed mortician’s masturbation over and sexual defilement of a young lady’s corpse. I suppose there’s some masochistic, perverse gain from watching this once, but I have to wonder about the person who, say, watches it more than once or purchases it on DVD.

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The 7 Greatest Films That Took Place Entirely on Trains http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/the-7-greatest-films-that-took-place-entirely-on-trains/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/the-7-greatest-films-that-took-place-entirely-on-trains/#comments Wed, 25 Jun 2014 17:04:17 +0000 Jared Jones http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=262526 By Jared Jones After a year-long creative dispute with Miramax co-founder Harvey Weinstein — the man Gary Oldman would likely refer to as Hollywood’s H.J.I.C (Head Jew in Charge) —...

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By Jared Jones

After a year-long creative dispute with Miramax co-founder Harvey Weinstein — the man Gary Oldman would likely refer to as Hollywood’s H.J.I.C (Head Jew in Charge) Bong Joon-Ho’s Snowpiercer is finally set to receive a limited theatrical release here in the States this weekend. This should come as thrilling news to fans of Ho’s previous films, 2006’s epic monster flick The Host and 2009’s similarly excellent Mother, as well as the rapidly increasing number of Americans with train fetishes. As someone who lies firmly in both camps (emphasis on firmly), I quite literally could not be more aroused excited.

Snowpiercer is essentially the story of the Montgomery Bus Boycott reimagined in the ice-age dystopia of 2031, only swap the Cleveland Avenue bus for a train carrying the Earth’s only remaining inhabitants and Rosa Parks for the Flame On guy. If that didn’t sell you on this movie, I don’t know what you’re even doing here. In any case, Snowpiercer got me thinking long and hard (also, firm) about other train-based movies, which can only mean that I am about to rank the ones I can remember in descending order for you because Internet.

#7 – Unstoppable

Denzel Washington stars as a know-it-all, smooth-as-jazz train engineer paired with, get this, a fresh-faced white dude on the first day of his new job. Ropes are shown, wise is cracked. Not before long, ol’ Denzel and his newbee partner are forced to partake in a suicide mission to catch a runaway train carrying more deadly chemicals than George W. Bush could dream up as an excuse to invade a Middle Eastern country (topical). Hijinks and ‘splosions ensue.

#6 – Night Train

Leelee Sobieski might be the worst actress in the history of the world, but she has really nice boobs and this movie was actually kind of decent. Lovecraft-ian, even. Three strangers find a dead body on a train that happens to be in possession of a butt load of diamonds, or maybe they’re emeralds, it’s not really important. Anyway, they all agree to do the logical thing and chop said dead guy into pieces while killing off anyone who dares question them. Co-starring Steve Zahn and the incomparable Danny Glover.

#5  The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Fun fact: The guy who directed this movie went on to direct Jaws 4: The Revenge, which is quite possibly the stupidest film ever made.  

#4 – The Lady Vanishes

Yesterday I witnessed a shirtless teenager sporting no less than five teardrop tattoos walk into a convenience store and attempt to steal a bag of Cheetos by smuggling them in his ass. I know this because, for whatever reason, the kid’s pants were belted around his lower thighs in what I can only assume was an act of defiance against both the societal norms of dress code and the concept of gravity. Anyways, the kid tried to make a run for it when he saw that the owner had also taken exception to him, and literally tripped over his own pants before being tackled by the owner.

What I’m saying is that I wish we could go back to the days when everyone dressed as classy as the people in Alfred Hitchcock movies. Even homeless dudes had an evening suit back then. It was a simpler, better time, and somewhere out there, there is a 15-year-old picking cheese crumbles out of his ass hair that agrees with me.

#3 – Snakes on a Train

Full disclosure: I have not seen this movie. I have, however, read the film’s plot synopsis on its Wikipedia page, which I will now repeat to you verbatim:

“Although taking the same basic idea from Snakes on a Plane (lots of deadly snakes loose on a claustrophobic, high speed means of transport), the background story of how the snakes end up on the train is completely different.

In the movie, writer Eric Forsberg created a woman who has been put under a Mayan curse which causes snake eggs to hatch inside her belly and eat their way out. In order to recover the “lost pieces” of herself (the snakes), she must travel to Los Angeles where a powerful Mayan shaman can lift the curse. She takes the snakes along with her in small jars. While on the train, bandits attack her, allowing the snakes to escape and endanger the rest of the passengers.

Eventually, and inexplicably, she herself transforms into a gigantic snake and swallows the moving train whole.

Six passengers managed to escape unharmed and one of them performs magic to make her vanish. However one girl is shown to have been unknowingly bitten, suggesting the curse will remain.”

To recap: Mayan shamans, magic, and snakes eating trains. WHERE YOU AT NOW, HITCHCOCK?!

#2 – Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

By far the easiest selection of this list, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory sees Steven Seagal return as Navy cook-turned killing machine Casey Ryback and take on a group of international terrorists who hijack the train he happens to be traveling on with his niece. You know, kind of like how a group of terrorists hijacked the submarine he happened to be serving on in the first film. In any case, Dark Territory is the sort of gritty, powerful action flick that actually dares ask the tough questions, like “Why would a group of highly-skilled terrorists not check the manifesto of the train they were about to hijack to ensure that a counter-terrorism specialist was not on board?” But that’s just for the film scholars to decide when dissecting this masterpiece in 2025.

I love how they refer to Segal’s character as “the cook from Under Siege” in this trailer, as if to say, “This character was so unmemorable in the first incarnation that using his name to hype the second would accomplish nothing.” You gotta appreciate that kind of honesty.

But seriously, this movie is awesome. The only reason I didn’t rank it #1 was due to the fact that it features Kurtwood Smith yet a distinct lack of foots in asses.

#1 – Source Code

Believe it or not, there aren’t that many great films which take place entirely on a train. I blame texting (also, airplanes). Hidden beneath the smoke of such dumpster fires as Atomic Train, Death Train, and the band Train, however, is Source Code, a solid little sci-fi thriller directed by Moon’s Duncan Jones and starring Jake Gyllenhaal.

The plot of Source Code is incredibly similar to this year’s Edge of Tomorrow, in that Gyllenhaal plays an army soldier (pilot) forced to relive the same scenario over and over until he stops some terrorists from blowing up a train with their Tesseract or what the f*ck ever. While some critics have claimed that the film veers toward the overly sentimental with its conclusion, most agree that Source Code is ultimately a great popcorn flick that manages to be entertaining *and* thought-provoking. Movie-going audiences obviously agreed, as the film grossed nearly $150 million worldwide on a $32 million budget. HEAR THAT, MICHAEL BAY?! WE CAN HANDLE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, YOU WALKING CAN OF AXE BODY SPRAY.

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8 Movie Geezers Not to Mess With http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/8-movie-geezers-not-to-mess-with/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/8-movie-geezers-not-to-mess-with/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Back in the good-old days, the elderly were revered as a valuable source of knowledge. Their vast life experiences were respected not only as a link to the past, but also as guide for the future.  Yes, old people were once a cherished commodity. Just kidding! I assume old people have always been considered lame, but I don’t know for sure because I never learned history. History is for old people, and I hate old people. But I will say this; in the world of Hollywood make-believe, there are a few old dudes that I would not want to piss off. Luckily we live in the real world where old dudes can barely walk. But all the same, here’s a list of eight movie geezers you don’t want to mess with.

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Back in the good-old days, the elderly were revered as a valuable source of knowledge. Their vast life experiences were respected not only as a link to the past, but also as guide for the future.  Yes, old people were once a cherished commodity.

Just kidding! I assume old people have always been considered lame, but I don’t know for sure because I never learned history. History is for old people, and I hate old people.

But I will say this; in the world of Hollywood make-believe, there are a few old dudes that I would not want to piss off. Luckily we live in the real world where old dudes can barely walk. But all the same, here’s a list of eight movie geezers you don’t want to mess with.

Paul Kersey – Death Wish 5
When Charles Bronson reprised the role on Paul Kersey in Death Wish V, he was well into his seventies. But that didn’t stop him from single handedly bringing down the vicious Irish gang that was attacking those supermodels. The plot sounds like the ramblings of a senile old man, so maybe the writer was in his seventies as well.

 

Master YodaThe Star Wars Trilogies

When it comes to badass old dudes, they don’t get much older than Yoda. The old bastard lived to be 900, and he was still laying the smack down well into his mid-800s. Granted, his mental prowess might have been sliping since he couldn’t even tell that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, but still.  When 900 years old you are, blah blah blah.

 

Pai Mei – Kill Bill Vol. 2

Like most old people, Pai Mei is mean, racist, and set in his ways. Unlike most old people, he can make your heart explode with his hand, and has no qualms about ripping out eyeballs. Don’t screw with this geezer.

 

Dr. Christian Szell – Marathon Man

If there’s one group I hate more than old people, it’s dentists. If there’s one group I hate more than dentists, it’s Nazis. Dr. Christian Szell is an old Nazi dentist. God I hate him. But that being said, I wouldn’t steal the magazines from his waiting room for fear of ass-kickery.

 

Lee Marvin – Any Lee Marvin Movie

Lee Marvin spent over 30 years in Hollywood, and over the course of his career he only played one role: crotchety old man.  And from the Dirty Dozen to Delta Force, he was always an old man you’d be wise not to piss off. Even this song from Paint Your Wagon just screams “Danger.” Keep your distance.

 

Mr. Miyagi – The Karate Kid

In The Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi doesn’t kick a whole lot of ass. But in the sequel, we learn that in Okinawa, there’s only one law: Miyagi’s law! If memory serves, Miyagi rips a man’s heart out of his chest and feeds it to a herd of Pandas. Unless you want the same treatment, don’t mess with Miyagi.

 

Walt Kowalski – Grand Torino

Walt Kowalski doesn’t take no sh*t from nobody. Wops, Mics, Gooks and Spooks, Walt hates them all, and he’s so tough that nobody can do anything about it…until the end where they shoot him (RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT).

Only Clint Eastwood could have played this role. Can you imagine if George Clooney made a movie where he said “spooks?” Jesse Jackson would have taken a dump on his head.

 

Lo-Pan – Big Trouble Little China

We’re not sure if Lo-Pan counts because he’s actually a centuries old ghoul, but the same is true of Larry King, and he gets treated normally. So why not Lo-Pan? Just because he’s an evil Asian stereotype? That hardly seems fair.

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