Lou Diamond Phillips

TV Show:
“CSI: Austin”

Premise:
Simply take the other three “CSI” shows and them set it in Austin, Texas. Lou Diamond Phillips will play the leader of the team with a dark past. We’re not sure what kind of dark past, it just needs to be pretty dark. Of course, since it is set in Texas, clichés of racism and toothless residents will be heavily featured in every episode. There will also be a very special Halloween episode centered around copycats of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre murders. Marcus Nispel will direct that gem.

Recurring Actors:
Matthew McConaughey (usually in episodes featuring smoking weed and being shirtless).

Stephen Baldwin

TV Show:
“Pucked Up”

Premise:
An aging, boozing hockey star with a gift for squinting and speaking in a raspy voice is hit in the head during a hockey game. While in a coma, he makes a deal with God: to quit his wild ways and become a traveling preacher. The only problem is, on his new journey he has daily visions of God and the Devil and ends up sometimes refereeing their debates. Which kinda’ wants him to start drinking again. A lot. The Bible Network will be producing.

Recurring Actors:
Billy Baldwin as God.
Daniel Baldwin as the Devil.
Alec Baldwin as himself.

David Arquette

TV Show:
“David!”

Premise:
David Arquette will play David Farquette, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast augmentation, in a hilarious new sitcom about a father that has to deal with his kids growing up and his wife’s new career as a housewife. He will hand out sage advice that his kids will listen to, because he’s hip, wears clothes from American Eagle, and listens to Miley Cyrus songs.

Recurring Actors:
Some of the other million Arquettes.

Jon Voight

TV Show:
“Flesh/Sword”

Premise:
The title has to do with ‘a pound of flesh’ regarding the financial industry and ‘sword’ refers to the cutthroat aspect of it. Brilliant marketing campaign to follow. Voight will play a Gordon Gecko type, trading pounds of flesh by day on Wall Street and…okay, disgusting. If he bangs his secretary in this, I’m out.

Recurring Actors:
Selma Blair comes to mind.
 

Ryan Phillippe

TV Show:
“Bump in the Night”

Premise:
Ryan Phillippe plays a model that wakes up in the middle of the night to find an egg-shaped thing growing out of his forehead. Doctors find nothing wrong, but his career as a model suffers because of the lack of demand for bumpy forehead portfolios. Near the end of the first episode, he is approached by a beautiful woman who has the same condition. Together they set out on a quest to find out what happened to them and start to uncover a sinister plot to disfigure attractive people.

Recurring Actors:
William B. Davis, the guy who played The Smoking Man in “The X Files”. He’ll give away clues to the conspiracy and still smoke like a chimney.

Isla Fisher & Amy Adams

TV Show:
“Carpet Matches the Drapes”

Premise:
Two ditzy twins separated at birth, inherit an interior design business when their birth  parents enter witness protection. They didn’t know one another existed, and throw themselves into making up for lost time by working to make the business thrive together by day, and making some very bad decisions while inebriated by night.

Recurring Actors:
Carrot Top
David Caruso

Dane Cook

TV Show:
“What’s Cookin’?”

Premise:
Because everything in TV is being recycled, this is Dane Cook’s “Seinfeld”. Except this one centers around a character, aptly named Dane Cook, and he’s a once famous comedian now looking for work after a very, very brief attempt starring in films. He gets a job as a restaurant cook (he’s apparently being typecast after Waiting…) and lives in an apartment across the hall from a zany neighbor and hangs out with his other two friends at the local bar. And they talk about how sucky their dating lives are…I think I just described my life.

Recurring Actors:
Christina Applegate. Just because she’s due for a new failure.

Robin Williams returns to TV to play the zany, and quite hairy, possibly-high-on-something neighbor.

Kiefer Sutherland, reprising his role as Jack Bauer, who got lucky enough to land a restaurant manager job after he permanently retired from government work.

Robin Wright Penn

TV Show:
“That Ain’t Wright!”

Premise:
Thin Dexter…if Sean Penn were Dexter and Robin Wright Penn was all of his victims. And Dexter had no sense of humor. At all. Also, it’s a reality show.

Recurring Actors:
Everyone in Hollywood. Sean Penn keeps showing up at awards shows looking for his ex. But his jokes are so righteous!

Beer and TV go together like hookers and blow. And since both of those are illegal AND expensive, why don’t you just crack open a cold one and stroll through 8 of TV’s best screen-licking brews.

PAWTUCKET PATRIOT ALE

From The Family Guy. Keep that huge gut and testicular chin. You deserve it. Appearance: smug smile, half-mast eyelids. Palate: Obnoxious, flat, and hard to find – just like Rhode Island. Overall: 6

DUFF BEER

From The Simpsons. The Seven Duffs of Duff Gardens: Tipsy, Queasy, Surly, Sleazy, Edgy, Dizzy, and Remorseful. Appearance: wrap-around suglasses, rhythmically gyrating pelvis. Palate: loud, great with fish and arena football. Overall: 7

BUZZ BEER

From The Drew Carey Show. A concoction of coffee and beer that Drew and the gang invented. The beer was brewed and packaged out of Drew’s garage in Cleveland. Appearance: Cleveland. Garage. Drew Carey. Palate: This is something I do not want near my lips. Overall: 2

COLDCOCK MALT LIQUOR

From SNL. Tim Meadows in his smoothest role since, er, before The Ladies Man. Appearance: Piano player, golden bicep Palate: Sore jaw, memory loss, possible concussion Overall: 9 (SNL seasons)

SCHMITTS GAY

From SNL. This skit single handedly made McCain’s chief strategist Steve Schmidt’s life a bit rougher. Appearance: Sparkling pool, sunshine, speedo. Palate: New experience, faint traces of smuggled grapes. Overall: 5 (But not in a bad way)

WILLER BEER

From Kentucky Fried Movie (technically it’s not a TV show, but it’s the type of movie they play on TV.) Hare Krishna? More like “Beer Me! Krishna.” Appearance: flowing robe, no-fuss hairstyle Palate: No intoxicants, no illicit sex. Overall: 1

ALAMO BEER

From King Of The Hill. Hank Hill’s brand is pretty bland. It’s an homage to Lonestar, the "National Beer Of Texas." Appearance: nondescript, plain, chubby. Palate: warm, familiar, repetitive, dull. Overall: 4 (Guys in an alley)

EDGE

From Beavis and Butthead. These two only binge on only the finest. Appearance: lightbulb shaped skulls, misleading packaging. Palate: uncontrollable laughter, tingles the braces. Overall: 2

Remember when The History Channel used to enlighten its viewers with quality historical documentaries and relevant original programming? Yeah, neither do we. The network has always been a sad mix of poor-quality World War II stock footage and shoddy battle reenactments. But for all its faults, at least it used to take its name somewhat seriously. Sure, “UFO Hunters: Nazi UFOs” wasn’t the most historically accurate documentary, but at least it had Hitler as opposed to some hillbilly running around in a swamp.

With those simpler times in mind, here are eight History Channel shows that have nothing to do with history.

(Note: I continue to refer to it as The History Channel instead of History because I’m living in the past.)

8. “Ax Men”

According to an unsourced website I found using Google, Napoleon once described history as “a myth that men agree to believe.” Notice he didn’t say anything about a bunch of toothless hill-jacks running around the woods cutting down trees. Despite this fact, The History Channel has been filming various logging crews across the country. And as the following clip of a dumbass sitting on a bee’s nest demonstrates, their efforts to chronicle important historical events have not been in vain.

7. “MadHouse”

Hillbillies have a long and storied history in these United States. From slavery to moonshine to those fake testicles that hang off of trucks, white trash has left an unmistakable mark on our society. MadHouse chronicles the latest chapter in redneck history by filming four teams of modified race-car drivers as they work on their cars and drive around in circles. Future generations are in your debt, History Channel.

6. “Ice Road Truckers”

When the Soviet Union blockaded the city of Berlin in 1948, the Allies organized the Berlin Airlift, flying in 13,000 tons of food per day for almost a year. In 2006, when winter blockaded some diamond mines in Canada (just like it does every year), the company running the mines organized a bunch of trucks to haul in some supplies. One of these events is of historical significance while the other is not. See if you can figure out which is which.

5. “Extreme Marksmen” and “More Extreme Marksmen”

If there’s one thing to be said for “Extreme Marksmen,” it’s that the show does deal with marksmen. If there’s a second thing to be said, it’s that these marksmen are totally extreme! If there’s a third thing to say, it’s that this show is friggin’ retarded.

To be fair, the guy in the following clip is wearing a cowboy hat, which is kind of history-ish.

4. “How Bruce Lee Changed the World”

As the title suggests, this History Channel documentary chronicles the ways in which Bruce Lee changed the world. There’s only one problem: despite what historians LL Cool J and Brett Ratner might tell you, Bruce Lee didn’t change jack sh*t!

I’ll give this one credit since it actually explores something that took place in the past. But Jesus H. Christ, Bruce Lee didn’t cure Polio or invent the Internet. He stared in Kung Fu movies. Yeah, nothing breaks down Asian stereotypes like a good Kung Fu movie.

3. “MonsterQuest”

If this show chronicled “monsters” like Hitler or Mao or Justin Bieber, it might belong on The History Channel. But this show chronicles “monsters” like “Mega Hog” and “Birdzilla,” so it doesn’t (except for the episode on “Stalin’s Ape Man”). In fact, the only thing this show has to do with history is the fact that it went back to the 70’s to steal ideas from “In Search Of,” just like I went to Wikipedia to steal that joke.

2. “Life After People”

In all fairness, The History Channel does have a get out of jail free card, albeit a stupid one. Technically speaking, all of the shows I’ve described thus far were dealing with the past in the sense that they were prerecorded. Even if the shows were broadcast live, they would be delayed by a few seconds, thereby making them history. The network’s marketing department is aware of this preposterous copout, as evidenced by the channel’s ridiculous new slogan, “History Made Every Day.”

But even with this absurd amount of wiggle room, The History Channel still manages to screw sh*t up. Not content to wallow in the present, the network decided to take their programming to the one place history, by definition, cannot go: the future!

“Life After People” attempts to answer a question man has pondered from time immemorial: in the future, after we’re gone, how long will it take for huge bridges to fall apart?

1. “Apocalypse Man”

When your show starts out with the disclaimer “The events you are about to see have not yet happened,” that should be your first clue that it doesn’t belong on The History Channel. That point aside, “Apocalypse Man” is by far the dumbest show on this list. By dumb, I mean totally freaking awesome.

U.S. Marine and survival expert Rudy Reyes shows viewers how to survive Armageddon by navigating the closest thing we have to a post apocalyptic world: Detroit. If you’re a survivalist (like me) or a Christian Fundamentalist (like me), you will not find a better show on television.

The only problem with the show is that it lets the cat out of the bag. Sure, the library might have been a good place to hide during society’s collapse. But now that you’ve broadcast that secret on the History Channel, I’ll have to fight every gun-toting bible thumper in a five-mile radius for a spot in the reference section. Thanks for nothing, Rudy.

Honorable Mention – “Pawn Stars”

I wanted to include "Pawn Stars" on this list, but as the clip below demonstrates, every once in a while they actually discuss something related to history.

Films only have a limited time to get their whole story across.  If a crazy dragon thing is introduced on Pandora early in a film, you can bet your bottom dollar that the main Na’vi hero will be riding that dragon thing by forcing his sexual ponytail into it by the end.  But sometimes, threads are introduced in films that really don’t add up to anything.  Whether it’s laziness or stupidity no one can say for sure.  Except me.  And I say it is laziness and stupidity.  Here are 9 movie plot threads that don’t really go anywhere.

Batman Returns – Max Shreck’s Reverse Power Plant

Max Shreck starts off Batman Returns with an evil scheme to build a reverse-power plant that will suck all the energy out of Gotham, storing it for him and his family to dole out at a mark-up to citizens.  The insane plan to somehow steal power is so important to Shreck that he kills his secretary, Selina Kyle, when she finds out about his scheme, turning her into Catwoman.  And how does Max cap off his murderous scheme?  By never talking about it again for the rest of the film.  Maybe he just realized how stupid his plan was in the first place.

Attack of the Clones – The Mysterious Sifo Dyas

In Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan discovers a hidden plot by deceased Jedi master Sifo Dyas to build a secret army of Clone Troopers on the planet Kamino.  If you can understand that sentence, congratulations.  You have wasted a significant portion of your life.  At any rate, this Sifo Dyas guy must have been some kind of insane evil genius to build a secret army no one knows about.  That’s my guess anyway.  Because after all of the time Obi-Wan spent uncovering this scheme, none of the films ever bother to explain who Sifo Dyas was or what the clones were meant for in the first place.

Superman Returns - Lois Lane’s Insane Pregnancy

Superman Returns was supposed to be a continuation to Superman I and II.  It was also supposed to be good.  It fails on both levels.  After knocking the red superhero boots with Superman in Superman II, Lois Lane apparently became pregnant.  Which must have been very confusing and upsetting for her since Superman erased the memory of their whole affair with a “super-kiss” at the end of the film.  Watching a lonely Lois Lane comprehend why she is mysteriously pregnant would actually have been a better film than the one we got, where Superman tries to comprehend why there’s mysteriously no action.

Spider-Man 3 – Sandman’s Daughter

When we first met Flint Marko in Spider-Man 3, the only thing he cared about was his dying daughter.  In fact, the whole reason he was in jail was because he stole money to pay for his daughter’s treatments.  And hell, even when he was disintegrated into sand, the only thing that brings him back is his love for his daughter.  And then, nothing.  Once he’s Sandman, Flint spends a lot of time beating the living crap out of Spider-Man, even teaming up with an anemic-looking Venom to kill ol’Spidey, but it’s not until the very end of the film when Sandman uses the famous floating-away power of sand before he ever mentions his daughter again.  Did she live or die?  It’s never mentioned, but God, I hope she lived.  Spider-Man didn’t need anything else to cry about in that movie.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Galloway’s Autobot Rants

Presidential Advisor Theodore Galloway shows up early in Transformers 2 to tell the secret military group NEST that works with the Autobots that the President no longer wants the Transformers to be on Earth.  And after Optimus Prime dies, Galloway decommissions the NEST group and basically shuts down Autobot – US relations.  And then, the NEST team throws him off an airplane.  Seriously.  Why a good portion of the film is spent on a man who hates Autobots and yet never advances the plot is unexplained.  But then again, we are talking about a film where a robot literally farts out a parachute and Shia LaBouf visits Robot Heaven.

The Matrix Trilogy – Neo Destroys a Sentinel

At the end of Matrix Reloaded, Neo re-enters the real world where he suddenly displays the new power to stop the robotic sentinels.  And then he passes out.  Afterwards, it’s revealed that Neo can sense machines in the real world, even when he’s blinded.  But it’s never explained how he shot out a pulse that destroyed the Sentinels, even though that kind of power would really have come in use in the third movie.  Or I’m guessing it was never explained.  I kind of tuned out of The Matrix movies somewhere around that really smelly looking rave.

Magnolia – "The Worm"

A good portion of the early part of Magnolia involves John C. Reilly’s character finding a dead body in a woman’s apartment.  The murder suspect is apparently named The Worm.  Seriously.  There is a rap in the film twice about The Worm and an interrogation where a woman is asked repeatedly about The Worm’s whereabouts.  There is even a shoot out at one point that seems to be Worm related.  But The Worm never shows up and the thread never goes anywhere.  But, it’s hard to make any kind of quibble in a movie where Tom Cruise repeatedly yells about respecting the cock and taming the word that all women hate the most.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – Blofeld’s Earlobes

The only George Lazenby James Bond film is actually a pretty good movie.  One of the few problems in the whole film is a weird plot thread about the main villain’s earlobes.  Blofeld wants to prove that he is the heir and owner of the title Count de Bleauchamp.  Bond is told that is Blofeld is the rightful heir, he will be missing his earlobes, a trait all the de Bleauchamps supposedly share.  Blofeld at first claims he was born without earlobes, but later makes some noise about cutting his earlobes off.  Seriously?  This is one of the main points of a Bond film?  A bald man’s earlobes?  Beyond this thread not going anywhere, it takes away time from more important Bond activities, like how many slutty women Bond can screw.

The Phantom Menace – Anakin Skywalker’s Virgin Birth

Are we really back in Star Wars prequel land again?  Yup.  So, Anakin’s mom drops the bombshell to Qui-Gon Jin that Anakin was conceived without a father.  Pretty weird but surely there’s a point here right?  Like maybe someone used some Force magic to knock her up?  Nope.  Despite some vague talk about some ancient Sith Lord who may or may not have used his powers to conceive a baby, the thread is never really addressed again in the prequels.  On the upside, not many movies would have the balls to link Jesus to one of the biggest mass-murdering bad-asses of cinema.

Today’s Marquee Links

Jesus Spock Tattoo

Wes Craven Directing’Scream 4‘

Funny Craigslist Ads

Awesome Dance Moves Guy

It was probably close to three in the morning in your living room. You were six sodas and three gorditas deep with the volume turned way down on the set, anxiously awaiting some practical knowledge regarding the mysterious act of sex. From the scenes that put wisdom in your brain and a strain in your shorts, these were the moments that taught you more about getting laid than anything else. Here are some of the lessons you learned.

Porky’s

LESSON: Don’t be afraid to smell like a Dude.

Before Kim Cattrall was slutting it up on Sex In The City, she had a howling appreciation for the stench of the boy’s locker rooms. It’s not that Tinactin and Ben-Gay are aphrodisiacs. It’s that girls like the way guys smell, and vice versa. It’s one of the things that’s kept the human race boning since day one. 

Weird Science

LESSON: You can’t build a woman. So you need to figure out how the the real ones work.

Gary and Wyatt use their sweet hacking / collage skills to build a mega babe with their Comadore 64. So much for playing Bionic Commando in a pair of Umbros. In the end, the boys don’t get any tail from their creation. It reminds us that science has not yet devised a way to create the perfect woman (not yet).  So we better learn how to work the ones around us.

True Lies

LESSON: Use words to bring out a woman’s inner-sexiness.

Who knew a tape recorder with a cheesy French accent could turn Jamie Lee into a wind-up Strippo-Roboto?  Note to self: Hit up Radio Shack before the company holiday party, or at least prep with a few original lines.

Baywatch

LESSON: Sometimes women throw themselves at you. Learn to catch them.

Although the most watched television show of all time neglected to inform that the beaches of Los Angeles are filthy cesspools of trash and acoustic buskers, it did have its share of practical lessons regarding the opposite sex. Follow up lesson: fake boobs are totally awesome. 

Roseanne (National Anthem)

Lesson: Opposites attract.

Chicks don’t want a guy who has more hair products than them (or shower gel with exfoliating aloe crystals). Conversely, guys don’t really want a girl who is this into sports. And as an absolute, no one wants Roseanne.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Lesson: Go big, go home, or go online to find it.

“Anatomically Correct” is for medical textbooks. If you had to draw the same chick 1400 times for a minute of animation, of course the boobs would be bigger than the head. My point is this. Jessica Rabbit was basically the graphic interpretation of what what 99.9 % of dudes want to screw, and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Splash

LESSON: Sexy, eccentric chicks are often the hardest to bone.

The issue of Mo’ Mermaid, Mo’ Problem has been covered throughout history. What it basically amounts to is this. Mermaids are sexy, but there’s just no physical way to get your hump on. Sometimes you just have to set your sights on conquerable territories.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

LESSON: Let women feel in control of their sexiness.

As much as you like air-drumming to the Spin Doctors, surrender control of the jukebox to any woman. Have her choose where you’re going to dinner. This is just speaking to a bigger point. Let women make the decisions on the smaller things, and play along when they’re expressing their sexual side. It’s better for both of you on the highway to bone town.

Fear (NSFW)

LESSON: Some chicks are turned on by thrilling situations. Accommodate this at all costs.

The original version of Wild Horses is from the Rolling Stones album Sticky Fingers.  "Graceless lady you know wh I am / You know I can’t let you slide through my hands / Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away." My point is that if you are ever on a roller coaster with Reese Witherspoon and she wants you to finger bang her, you better sack up.

Wild Things (NSFW)

LESSON: Cover the little red recording light.

Memories and photos fade. Video has a much better shelf life. 

Fast Times

LESSON: Don’t jerk off so much.

Yeah, It relieves stress and takes that edge off. But doing it too much is only going to decrease the amount that you get laid, and might even get you caught. Seriously, sometime that edge is exactly what you need.

Everything You Need To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Lesson: Getting laid is an incredibly complex process. Relax and go with it.

It helps to understand that the delicate dance between you and a woman you are trying to bed is a feat that involves a level of coordination and strategy you don’t employ on a regular basis. Go with the flow, stay the course, and be prepared buy brunch. But let your body take care of the rest– it knows what it’s doing.

Lessons by "Sex Specialist" Buck Russell

Today’s Marquee Links

Jersey Shore Valentine’s

Lasonic’s iPod Boombox

Animal Fails

10) Superman: The Movie

If you can fly, that’s kind of cheating. I suppose nobody else can recreate Superman’s first date with Lois Lane (but you’d earn major points if you can find some zero-G way to do it!) Still, it’s certainly a date we’d all want to have. Well, we’d all want a date with a hot newspaper reporter (old school, no bloggers) but also to have the badass powers to fly her around the world. Mmmm, McDonald’s in Paris. Was that a bra strap I heard unsnapping?

9) Naked Gun

Any date that ends in full body condoms is worth a try. Remember, when The Naked Gun came out, it was the funniest movie ever. In the middle of it all, Frank Dreben enjoys a lovely date with Jane Spencer involving the usual beach at sunset and all the romantic trappings. Those full body condoms brought the house down then, and now 22 years later, they’ve got to be worth at least a shortstop. If you don’t know what that is you’ve got a lot to learn from more sexually explicit sites.

Out of Sight

Buy a woman a drink, have some good conversation and see where it leads. Take a cue from Clooney in this scene on how to charm a tough girl up to her hotel room. We can’t all be as hot as George Clooney and J-Lo, but man, if we could slither around in that noir-ish lighting, we’d probably feel hot.

7) Before Sunrise

Meet a pretty girl on a train in Europe, and end up having an all night date with her. That’s the dream of a number of men taking a solo journey of self-discovery abroad. It also makes a solid 90 minutes of lovey dovey indie charm. The idea that they’ll only have one night actually feels tragic. I mean, meet up next year? Just write down her number and buy another ticket! At least we know now that there’s a sequel.

6) Say Anything

When Lloyd Dobler asked Diane Court out, they only went to a house party. It was pretty memorable with the keymaster and drunk mascots romping about, Corey singing all her breakup songs and just plain honest socializing. What makes it special is that it was Lloyd and Diane. His courtship was so direct and sincere. Everyone should just be that honest and whoever connects, it doesn’t matter where you go. Rock on, Cusack.

5) Annie Hall

When Alvy and Annie tried to make a home cooked lobster dinner, the live lobsters became a classic cinematic gag. It was so popular that they even tried to recreate it on that show Herman’s Head. Remember that show? You don’t? Good. So yeah, buy some expensive lobsters, let them crawl around on your dirty kitchen floor and it’ll be so endearing that you can’t pick them up that you won’t even end up having to cook. Having sex with the knowledge that there are live lobsters in the next room is uber kinky.

4) Pulp Fiction

Jack Rabbit Slims. Don’t be a square. Retro ‘50s diner, $5 milkshakes, a twist contest and a hypodermic needle to the heart sure make for a memorable date. The best part though is the conversation. Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace get to speak Quentin Tarantino’s sharpest dialogue as they try to dodge the palpable sexual chemistry between them. Heck, I’d settle for a date that can talk about movies, but this profound sh*t is heaven.

3) 9 1/2 Weeks

Who says you have to go out to a fancy dinner to impress a lady? Just open up your refrigerator. The famous food scene in 9 ½ Weeks should be a how-to course for making the most of everyday items. Strawberries have never been sexier than oozing their way between Kim Basinger’s lips, and that dangling fusilli kills me.

2) Rocky

When I was growing up, my dad told me to pay attention to the ice skating date scene in Rocky. He told me that when I’m old enough to date, I should remember to take a girl ice skating. It was a great date because she’d have to hold onto me, we’d get to talk, it would be intimate. I’m 32 and I still waiting to take a girl on that date. Don’t worry about me, I’m all out of tears.

1) Once Upon A Time In America

Okay, here’s how you bring out the big guns. To woo his childhood sweetheart, DeNiro’s character opens up a waterfront restaurant during its off season and hires the full kitchen and wait staff to serve one table and cook whatever she wants. Okay, so the following scene could possibly, maybe be considered rape, but we’re focusing on the happy romantic part.

Wookie Johnson’s Picks:

Blindfolds, bickering, shackles, mounds of snow, and serious daddy issues. All things you might find in Pamela Anderson’s bedroom. Your TV preview begins now!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Network: Spike TV
Time: 9PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Ahh, Return of the Jedi. The final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Go back to a more simple time before George Lucas took your childhood and dunked it in the shitter flushing repeatedly. I’ll take Ewoks over that pod race anyday.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Bear goes to the Arctic Circle to hunt wild reindeer. Nice try Grylls. We all know that you’re secretly hunting Santa. You keep out of that workshop, you hear me? Those toys are for ALL OF US.

CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the opener for Season 5, the wizard is shackled and buried alive in a transparent coffin beneath ice and snow. I’ve heard of being buried beneath snow. And I’ve heard of being buried beneath ice. But never the two together. Consider my mind freaked!

[No, colons are not movie code for “Robot Plot.”]

Robots are on the A-List now, but they didn’t always have it so good.  Here are five cinematic robots that just didn’t work (as they were intended):
 

T-800 from Terminator

Program: Kill Sarah Connor, period.

If you remember, in the near future, robots take over the earth with an aim to destroy all of mankind. Can you blame ‘em? But, there’s a group of Resistance soldiers – human, natch – trying to keep it from happening. So the robots, led by Skynet, send Arnie (“The Schwarz”), as T-800, back in time to kill the Resistance’s leader’s mom. Now, that’s just cold. So, the Resistance sends their own man (only one of them) to save her and her unborn son (and a lot more than that, boom shaka wow wow!). Of course, if we are led to believe that robots are pretty much infallible in the pursuit of their programmed target, we’d have written off human existence (Even Honda’s Asimo robot would have taken us over by now). But, like all new technology, the bugs still needed to be worked out and the T-800 had a few of them (as did Skynet).

Bug: He failed.

First off, as a lot of fanboys would tell you, the T-800s program was to systematically kill all Sarah Connors, alphabetically, living in Los Angeles. That was to guarantee that the right Sarah Connor was killed. Of course, some sort of logic system wasn’t built in, because the T-800 probably could have saved himself some bullets. Or, alternatively, it may have just killed off a slew of innocent Sarah Connors in Los Angeles, failing to understand that the real Sarah Connor might have lived in Thousand Oaks. Either way, T-800 decided to “save the best for last” and therefore gave Reese (the Resistance’s “Timecop”) enough time to catch up to the real Sarah Connor, proving that the human brain still can’t be messed with when it comes to finding the correct Sarah Connor in clutch situations.

The T-800 failing, and being crushed to death by a waitress, can’t all be blamed on its own dubious deductive reasoning. If Skynet was such the super-processing computer as we are led to think it is, you would think that it would find out instantly, as soon as the T-800 was FedEx’d to 1984, that “Plan A” didn’t work, and maybe waiting till technology improved (the T-1000) wouldn’t be the best idea. They’re robots! Just manufacture an army of them (à la Attack of the Clones), bubble wrap ‘em, and send a whole fleet after Sarah Connor. I start to wonder what sort of villain Skynet will be in the upcoming Terminator: Salvation. Based on the first three films, it seems to be a military general on par with General Mills.

And, speaking of robots built to kill…

JOHNNY 5 from Short Circuit

Program: Do as NOVA Laboratories say and be weapon.

Originally, Graham Crosby (Steve Guttenberg) had created the robots as music-playing chore-doers (think Rosie the Robot Maid 1.0), but because this is America, some ornery-looking guy riveted on a couple heat-seeking missiles , slapped an American flag on ‘em, and pushed them into Military pre-production.

Bug: They aren’t weather-proof.

During the grand introduction of the “Rocket ‘Em Socket ‘Em” weaponized Smart Cars, lightning strikes the compound, frying the motherboard of one Johnny the Fifth. Johnny 5 then goes berserk and decides time is better spent reading books, making breakfast, and trying to woo Ally Sheedy than blowing up a tank. Obviously, Johnny 5 missed his formative times as an 8-year-old boy. You would think that if the military was so invested in the robots, they would have thrown NOVA Laboratories a few extra bucks to snap on some sort of ground wire to each of the ‘bots.

That said, here’s a couple of other robots without ground wires…

THE PROTECTORS in Chopping Mall

Program: Be unarmed mall cops.

Secure-Tronics created a system of mall-patroling “Protector” robots as a security measure for ne’er-do-wells and punk kids breaking into the mall after hours. The goal was to make them taser unwelcome guests and notify the police.

Bug: Lasers.

For whatever reason, Secure-Tronics added lasers to their not-to-be-violent securo-bots. So when they, like Johnny 5, got fried from a lightning bolt, they started lasering first and asking questions later. Of course, unwitting teenage sexpots are trapped in the mall with those “destructicons” because Secure-Tronics thought another good addition would be steel doors that are secured at midnight and not re-opened until the following business day. It begs to question, what’s the point of having a robotic fleet of security guards in a mall no one can break into, let alone break out of?

Another private company that entered moviedom’s automized security industry was OCP, makers of…

ED-209 in Robocop

Program: Be better than Robocop.

Detroit’s economy failed (yes, in the movie, too), so the city sells itself out to mega-ultra-conglomerate Omni Consumer Products (OCP). They plan to replace Detroit with an utopian upgrade – Delta City, only they need more cops, because there’s too much crime, corruption, and general anarchy in “Old Detroit.” Since cops are on short supply, it’s left up to a couple of OCP executives to come up with solutions. Ronny Cox heads up the ED-209 project. Miguel Ferrer heads up Robocop.

Bug: Being ED-209.

To be fair, it’s not easy to be better than Robocop. For one thing, Robocop has mastered stairs. But when ED-209 fails in his first demonstration of fair and balanced justice (by shooting another OCP executive), the doors open for Robocop to succeed. So it’s hard to judge poor, old Ed on one poor performance – and in Detroit 2.0, no one is given a second chance (you hear that, GM?). Robocop is an instant hit with the kids, and Ed is put on the back shelf, only to be brought back in the end. Really, instead of shelving him, they should have tinkered, adjusted, tightened bolts – or do whatever it would take to give Ed a chance Knowing OCP, they were probably all too busy counting the profits coming in from their bestselling S.U.X. 6000. But, as one of Robocop’s final “labors,” he puts in a quick stress test on ED-209, and Ed flunks like an oafish turtle.

ED shares more than one link with another quick-drawing (and shooting) robot…

THE GUNSLINGER in Westworld

Program: Give adults a good role-playing experience.

WestWorld is one of the three “worlds” in an adult theme park, Delos. Think of it as a place that a burned-out accountant can spend a crap load of money pretending he’s Wild Bill Hickock. So, you know, relaxing. Delos’s “imagineers” have created picture-perfect androids to play the supporting roles in the vacationer’s western experience. And, because it’s the west, fanny-pack wearing tourists are issued guns – but it’s okay, they only react with the androids.

Bug: Robots start killing people.

Thanks to a crack robotics-team, an unexpected, and unprepared for, bug shifts all the Androids to kill mode. One, in particular, the Gunslinger, looks to make his mark on the cinematic body count records, chasing our hapless hero through the entire Delos park, until the Gunslinger is put to rest after falling down some steps (ED-209 style). Michael Crichton wrote and directed this flick 17 years before his “untested amusement park” novel, Jurassic Park.

Here are a few more movie robots that didn’t quite make our list, but screwed up all the same:

CHERRY 2000 in Cherry 2000
The skinny: A robot wife is constructed with fragile parts and her husband breaks her. If there are any inventors out there, dedicating themselves to perfecting a robot wife, I quit.

THE TEACHERS in Class of 1999
The skinny: In the gloomy future of post-grunge Seattle, “bad kids” are fenced into a “Free Fire Zone,” and local principal takes on new cyborg teachers with a penchant for discipline. Cast Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, and Malcolm McDowell in a Mark L. Lester film (exclusive, contributing writer here on ScreenJunkies), ramp up the robotic mishaps, and you’ve got yourself cinema gold.

EVE VIII in Eve of Destruction
The skinny: Eve VIII starts to get painful memories from her creator, making her a one-stop kill-shop. Gregory Hines, meanwhile, does his best Jack Bauer impression.

ALL ROBOTS & WILL SMITH in I, Robot
The skinny: Will Smith acts more robotic than his castmates in a script probably written by a “Speak & Spell.” Harlan Ellison (writer of an unproduced draft more than 20 years prior) has a right to be angry – I, Robot 2 is currently in development.

AMEE in Red Planet
The skinny: AMEE gets jammed in military mode and kills all the human Mars-o-Nauts.

THE ROTTWEILER in Rottweiler
The skinny: A robot dog is made to hunt down fugitives – a bad, bad, bad, BAD dog.

THE RED R2 UNIT in Star Wars Ep. IV: A New Hope
The skinny: Uncle Owen proves his choices in droids aint’ what they used to be, and the R2 unit’s head explodes like an old dishwasher, before he can put him to good R2 use – like thwarting Darth Vader and the Empire.

E.D.I. in Stealth
The skinny: In the future, humans decide robots should fly planes in wars, but then E.D.I. goes rogue (a bit power hungry probably) and Ray Charles has to take it down.

WALL-E in WALL-E
The skinny: He gives up a no-paying job cleaning up after the humans in the name of love. Where’re your priorities WALL-E?

So, future robot engineers, I implore you, get a quality assurance team. We understand that when you make a robot, you want it to work as programmed and not go haywire and kill thousands of people (unless that’s what you want it to do). And, if you haven’t learned anything, learn this – remote control OFF switch.

Fanboys, make your peace in the comments section below.

– ROSS CONKEY

Ross Conkey is a freelancer writer living in Chicago.  He’s working on a film in which the real Keith David can fight a robot Keith David.  Whoever wins, we win.