News broke recently that Charlie Sheen helped Lindsay Lohan with a tax bill by giving her $100k. Since it’s become common knowledge that Charlie Sheen doesn’t give money to women without expecting something sleazy in return, it’s finally time for Lindsay Lohan to pay the piper with an appearance on Sheen’s FX series Anger Management. Ugh. It might be more palatable just to pay off the debt with sex like all the others do.

The two “characters” will meet in therapy and kick off a romance (that will apparently last one episode).

Such is the state of Lindsay Lohan’s career that she’s only available to find work in forms of self-parody and Greco-Roman clusterfucks of films like The Canyons. I guess it beats the macabre alternatives.

When these two slime monsters do agree to squirt their fluids inside one another, the gossip machine will cave in on itself and the E! reporters will have brain overloads that cause them to forget the word ‘Kardashian’. So, there is a silver lining. But, as of today, their genitals adhering to one another like Velcro before raising the Nightmare City of R’lyeh has yet to occur.

So we can rest assured, the Scary Movie franchise is the only place a union so unholy can happen. But also, shame on you Scary Movie franchise. You’ve been helping terrible people be terrible for too long. Praise the Lord that Leslie Nielsen and his fart machine aren’t around to see this.

Apparently, someone called 911 after finding Lohan unconscious and was unable to revive her. Paramedics arrived and somehow determined that there was nothing seriously wrong with her, and left without taking her to the hospital. Lohan is reportedly suffering from a simple case of exhaustion, which is easily explained by the reportedly extreme conditions of the Liz and Dick shoot. Sources say that Lohan had just gotten done with two straight sleep-free days of shooting – no wonder she’s exhausted.

Anyway, Lindsay was NOT hospitalized, contrary to earlier reports, and is apparently doing OK now. Hopefully she will get some sleep and pull herself out of this exhaustion. Or, barring that, do something more interesting to write about. But it’s Friday afternoon, what do you expect? (TMZ)

“It’s going to be very risqué,” Patrick Muldoon, a producer at the film’s production company Eclectic Pictures, told the site.

He added that “Thematically, it’s talking about how abusive the porn industry was to Linda Lovelace. Yes, there’s a lot of nudity, but it’s a message movie about respecting women.”

Yeah, it’s all about respect. Now make with the boobies, chop chop.

The supporting cast seems to be something of a sausagefest, featuring Peter Sarsgaard, Sharon Stone, Juno Temple, Wes Bentley, Hank Azaria, Bobby Cannavale, Chris Noth, Robert Patrick, James Franco, Eric Roberts, Adam Brody and Demi Moore. I bet a bunch of dudes will go topless, too, if that’s your thing. (E! via Coming Soon)

Anyway, the cover features a naked Lindsay straddling a chair shaped like the Playboy logo with the chair back hiding the good parts. Also not pictured, the photo assistant in charge of Windexing that chair between shots.

Lindsay will debut the entire spread on the December 15th episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I think we all know whose decision that was…

Obviously, she’s not the only one to take it all off in the hopes of gaining notoriety (it’s actually how Playboy has managed to keep it going all these years), nor is she the only one to wait too long. Here are seven other actresses who decided to pose for Playboy far too late into their attractiveness. Lindsay Lohan, this is your future.

Teri Polo

Teri Polo made the weird decision to parlay her Meet the Parents fame into a spread in Playboy. She was 36 years old at the time, which means she was about eighteen years late. This move didn’t really propel her into more stardom as her subsequent roles have mainly been guest appearances on CSI: Miami and The Ghost Whisperer.

Lisa Rinna

Lisa Rinna decided to return to familiar surroundings after Dancing With the Stars made her relevant again. She originally posed for Playboy while pregnant (gee… thanks, Lisa) when her stint on Melrose Place came to an end. Then again in 2006 at the age of 46 (gee… thanks, Lisa).

However, there is no indication when the pictures will be released or what level of butt-nekkidness will be on display. It’s obvious that she’s doing this for the money since her lifestyle has compromised her career. My only question is, what was the hold-up? We all knew this day would come. In fact, we’ve had a draft of this article saved for years. Just like news outlets do with celebrity obituaries.

If only she posed back when the nickname “fire crotch” was in reference to her hair color.

With racing on our minds after this tragic development, we thought we’d take inventory of our favorite racers and drivers in movies. So let’s buckle up, hit the gas, and “add additional racing cliché here”!

7. Maggie Peyton

The name probably doesn’t ring a bell, but the actress playing her in Herbie: Fully Loaded might. Lindsay Lohan really captured the essence of the racer’s spirit in this charming romp about a sleazy-hot girl that races an anthropomorphic Volkswagen Beetle. She also was somehow able to beat fictional NASCAR champ Trip Murphy (played by Matt Dillon) in a race, which is hard to believe, because Lohan has a track record of piss-poor driving, but it’s still exhilarating to watch, nonetheless.

She would have placed higher on this list, but her character falls in love with Justin Long, which is ridiculous and improbable.

Seriously. He’s the worst.

6. Stuntman Mike

Death Proof has its share of detractors, but it’s hard not to like the sleazy, for-some-reason-evil baddie Stuntman Mike. He rocks a satin jacket, which is VERY important for reasons I will get into in the next entry. He’s got a car that’s death-proof, which is a pretty badass concept. He kills innocent women, which I’m not totally in favor of, but I’m willing to look past that to his bitchin’ jacket and suave way with the ladies.

If you haven’t seen Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof, check it out immediately, but don’t get too attached to Stuntman Mike.

Drew Barrymore

Drunk Drew Barrymore

The delightful Ms. Barrymore is probably the youngest actor who has been in rehab. At only thirteen she sought treatment after spending her late childhood starring in films and nightclubbing at Studio 54. In her autobiography Little Girl Lost, she described smoking marijuana at twelve and quickly progressing to cocaine. It took a suicide attempt and another stint in rehab at fourteen before Barrymore maintained her sobriety. Two decades later, she confesses to drinking the occasional glass of wine. She also balances an impressive acting career with behind-the-scenes work as a director and producer.

Mary-Kate Olsen

Mary-Kate Olsen smoking

Few young actors begin their careers as early as Mary-Kate Olsen (born 1986), who was only nine months-old when she first shared the role of Michelle on Full House with her twin Ashley. After Full House ended its eight year run, the sisters formed a popular and profitable tween franchise with movies, specials and merchandising. Olsen had just celebrated her eighteenth birthday when she entered a Utah rehabilitation facility in 2004. Although tabloids pointed to drugs, her publicists insisted anorexia nervosa was the issue. A healthier Olsen emerged six weeks later, and there have been no return rehab stints. Olsen found solo acting success in some feature films and a recurring role of Showtime’s Weeds. She has also formed two fashion lines, The Row and Elizabeth and James with sister Ashley.

Corey Haim

Corey Haim

Only 38 years-old when he overdosed in 2010, Corey Haim had entered rehab a total of fifteen times before his death. Haim, born in 1971, became a teen idol in the late 1980s, following his performances in Lucas and The Lost Boys. His lopsided smile and adorable face made him an ongoing cover boy for teen magazines like Tiger Beat. He later admitted that his party lifestyle led to a crack addiction during the filming of 1988’s License To Drive. Then, at the age of eighteen, he entered rehab. He did manage to quit cocaine, but unfortunately just swapped it for an addiction to prescription medications. He spent the next two decades trying to get clean, but was found to have procured 532 pills in the month before he died, including Valium, Vicodin and Xanax.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan strung out

One child star who has helped give rehabilitation the reputation of a revolving door is Lindsay Lohan. Once a successful Disney star in wholesome flicks like The Parent Trap, she seemed to be handling the transition to adult roles with a sophisticated turn in Mean Girls. Her partying quickly overshadowed her early promise, as endless tabloid stories documented her love of the nightlife. Then, the California court system became involved as DUIs, car wrecks and other criminal incidents have piled up. Lohan’s status as an actress and a recovering addict remain uncertain.

Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr.'s mugshot

The most talented of the young actors who’ve been to rehab, or at least the most inspiring, is the Robert Downey Jr. He was just 22 when he made his first trip to rehab, following a Hollywood childhood where his director father reportedly gave him his first drugs at eight years-old. Downey’s long, tortured journey continued through drug dependence, jail stints, and very public falls off the wagon. His most astonishing drug-addled moment came in 1996 when he wandered into a neighbor’s house in Malibu and fell asleep in a child’s bed. After a year-long stint in Corcoran State Prison, Downey finally sobered up. He has since made a slow but steady climb back to the very top of the Hollywood heap, including starring in a blockbuster Ironman franchise and gaining an Oscar nomination for Tropic Thunder.

However, the rumor is that Fox is lobbying to play Carrie in MGM and Screen Gem’s remake of the Stephen King classic. I like looking at Fox as much as the next guy, especially her boobs area, but that casting would be more horrifying than anything they could put on the screen. Never mind that Fox is 25, far from high school. Fox looks like the type of girl who would tease you into an eating disorder – not a bullying victim. Also, two words: Jennifer’s Body.

Another actress who apparently wants the role? Lindsay Lohan. *Knocks Head Against Wall* (ShowBizSpy)

He’s joining John Travolta, Joe Pesci, and if her luck holds out, Lindsay Lohan, with Barry Levinson directing. If you’re having trouble visualizing Pacino playing a gangster, you’ll have to wait until late 2012 to see it happen. Me, I’ll just be watching S1m0ne again. He’s so funny in that.

The producers of the movie Gotti: Three Generations just aren’t able to handle the supernova star power of Lindsay Lohan. Here’s one of them, Marc Fiore, in a statement:

“We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people [for the role].”

Well let me tell YOU something, Marc Fiore. It’s your loss. Your loss! Lindsay Lohan doesn’t even want to play a stupid Gotti, so she’s glad that “the various demands of her management team just got out of control.” Glad!

The producers are also looking for a new director, after the previously attached Nick Cassavetes left to do other things. Perhaps he really wants to work with Lohan? The John Travolta-starring movie is scheduled to begin filming in the fall, provided that Lohan’s army of fans don’t riot to prevent this. (The Hollywood Reporter)

The producers are also reportedly in talks with someone to play John Gotti, Jr., but aren’t “ready to announce the actor” who’s getting the part. Maybe James Franco? It wouldn’t be unheard of. Nick Cassavetes is directing all the characters shouting at each other from the point of view of Gotti’s son, so it will probably be something approaching a lead role. I hope it is Franco, he needs the work. (ComingSoon)

This is never going to happen. I know it. You know it. Tyler Shields knows it. But it’s a slow news morning, so let’s just keep writing about this. If she isn’t arrested, in the act of being arrested, or sleeping in, the role of Sharon Tate is hers. Tate, of course, was famously murdered by Manson and his followers in one of Hollywood’s darkest times. To stunt-cast the role of the upcoming actress seems in poor taste but Shields is aiming to manipulate.

“Sharon Tate was a movie star,” he says. “So I want [an actress who] you already have a backstory with. People have a backstory with someone like Lindsay. And I think it’s very relatable.”

“I’m just going to be directing people to do the craziest s— they’ve ever done,” he says. “[But] I’m going to find a way to do it where it doesn’t turn people off, but it gives you the feeling of it. I want this to really hit people in a really specific place.”

Yes. People do have a backstory with Lindsay, but I think it would help if the backstory wasn’t, “Hey! That’s the loopy bitch who sideswiped my car!!” (EW)

Celebrity Problem Tornado Lindsay Lohan, who I think used to star in movies at some point, was supposed to make an appearance on ”Late Show With David Letterman“ to read the Top 10 List. That was what was announced, and that is what I believed.

Lohan’s been accused of stealing a $2,500 gold necklace, just the latest crime “Fully Loaded” Lohan has committed in a growing rap sheet of DUIs and drug possession arrests. The Letterman guest spot might have been the funniest thing she’s done since Mean Girls — which was released almost 7 years ago, or in “the long, long ago” in Lohan chronology.

Recently, the rug was pulled out from under Letterman when Lohan tweeted she wasn’t playing ball, adding:

I’m not sure how this happened.

I imagine after an all-night celebrity cocaine party at Charlie Sheen‘s house, you wouldn’t be sure how or why anything happened. Here’s how Letterman responded on the show. (You can watch it in the clip above.)

“So it turns out we were duped… I have no one to blame but myself, and boy, is my face red… [Deadpans:] I hope I didn’t embarrass you, Lindsay, and your family.”

Well, now we know who the mystery “duper” was. Her fist-fighting father Michael Lohan, no stranger to the inside of a jail cell himself, apologized for the debacle. Mr. Lohan told TMZ he made the booking with Lindsay’s approval, but when her entourage found out, the deal was immediately kaput.

“Anything positive that I bring into her life … [her people] try to nix it,” Michael Lohan said.

And that, my friends, is the story of how the Lohan clan turned Mr. Letterman’s life upside-down for one magical news cycle. (Reuters, LA Times)

Lindsay Lohan in happier times.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. Everyone knows she’s fallen on tough times, but now, it seems she can’t even find work as a porn star.

Lohan had landed the role of 70′s porn actress Linda Lovelace in Matthew Wilder’s Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story. But due to her ongoing legal troubles and drug problems, she has been dropped from the cast in favor of Malin Akerman. You know your career is in trouble when you’re too unreliable to play a 70′s porn star. But on the plus side, Malin Akerman, who you may remember as the chick wearing the skintight outfits in The Watchmen, is super hot. I guess that’s not much of a comfort to Lindsay, but it makes me feel better. (Deadline via Collider)

Machete
R, 105 min., 2010
Cast: Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin with Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Robert DeNiro
Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis
Screenplay by Robert Rodriguez and Alvero Rodriguez

While Machete is one hilarious, madcap, blood-filled pinata party, it’s also one of the most politically charged action movies to come along this year.

The iconic big screen bad-ass Danny Trejo gets his much needed day in the sun at Machete, an ex- Mexican cop turned Texas day laborer who finds himself in the middle of the battle between borders, with double crossing politicians, vigilantes, cops, and cartels. All the while he’s becoming another legendary folk hero from the endless mind of Robert Rodriguez and the Troublemaker studio family.

Machete is joined by a cast that can slap and slice the face off of The Expendables – they can be labeled  like Sergio Leone‘s The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  The Good: the ultimate female revolution fighter from a taco truck Luz/She (Michelle Rodriguez in another one of her kick butt and still look sexy performances), INS agent sexpot Santana (Jessica Alba), and Priest (Cheech Marin showing up in his best Rodriguez movie cameo to date). The Bad: evil vigilante Texan Lt. Stillman (Don Johnson, at his sleazy cigar slinging best, carrying echoes of Henry Fonda’s villainous performance in Once Upon a Time in the West), racist tea bagger Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro having fun as the guy you love to hate), scheming political assistant Booth (Jeff Fahey making us wonder why he isn’t cast in more movies as a screen villain), and Mexican drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal taking everything so seriously and with hilarious end results). And The Ugly: drugged up bad girl turned religious savior April (Lindsay Lohan always down to satirize her own persona) and the famous worn and pockmarked face of Danny Trejo as Machete.

All these wacky characters and more face off in a blood-filled cannon of showdowns and confetti that will you have kicking, wincing, howling, whistling, and clapping for more.

Rodriguez, sharing his writer/director/cinematographer/editor/score chair with co-director Ethan Maniquis, script writer Alveno Rodriguez, editor Rebecca Rodriguez, and cinematographer Jimmy Lindsey. It’s a block party of filmmakers that bring a lot of energy and color to the creative table, creating an environment that is part grindhouse fun and part family affair.

As the idea of Machete came out of Rodriguez’s head 15 years ago during Desperado, we now see another possible tough character actor, Michelle Rodriguez, becoming another one of his modern day folk hero characters of SHE — a legendary Mexican freedom fighter or quasi female counter part to iconic Che Guevera. You know he is onto something here when Rodriguez’s character gets the audience roar of approval next to a bland Alba applause. It’s something to look forward to in the Troublemaker future of cartoon movies.

The movie itself is more fun watching than really talking about with all its beheading and rocket-filled low riders. The first part is the most uninhibited fun, with the mixture of grindhouse type violence with political undertones that include a running gag of xenophobic political ads, not unlike something Sarah Palin would pay for.

By the time the climax hits, there are so many characters and elements played out that they all collide in a Looney Tunes-type carnival ride of guns and cars that doesn’t come to a solid conclusion. It even seems that Machete is lost at times in the battle between characters and screen time.
Yet Rodriguez and crew give us a something to chew on as we face a time of terrible racism and actions, all the while punching it with one-of-a-kind performances and action moments.

Grade: B +

If this new red band trailer for Machete doesn’t convince you to see the film this Friday then I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do. My goodness gracious, the violence. It exploits more head trauma than Break fail video. Have you ever seen a man’s head get cut off and then split in half before it even hits the ground? Well now you can mark that morbid desire off of your bucket list.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Heads Will Roll In Ne Machete Redband- NSFW! – Watch more horror

(BloodyDisgusting)

_{You’re gonna love my nuts (but probably not my movie).}

Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy, made a movie, and we have the trailer. You getting this, camera guy?

What’s even more surprising is the fact that it isn’t his first film. Underground Comedy 2010, which was both written and directed by Offer, is actually a followup to his previous work, Underground Comedy Movie. What the film lacks in the way of an original title it more than makes up for with off-the-wall cameos. Bobby Lee plays a character named Dickman, Michael Clarke Duncan plays a gay virgin, and Lindsay Lohan plays herself in this bizarre, most likely straight to video flick.

Last I heard, Offer, a vocal opponent and former member of the Church of Scientology, had been hauled off to jail for punching a hooker in the face (supposedly in self-defense). I’m suprised that he’s back, but I’m even more suprised that the Scientologists didn’t put the kibosh on his film, considering their reach in Hollywood. Although after watching the trailer, maybe they figured it would do more harm to his career if they simply allowed it to be released. (Cinema Blend)

Watch the ShamWow Guy’s movie trailer after the jump…

The new Machete trailer has slashed its way onto the Internetz. We last saw an "illegal" trailer released on Cinco de Mayo which got me amped, but this new one makes me want to punch a cinder block just so I can feel like a man. It’s like producer Robert Rodriquez and director Ethan Maniquis took all the things that zip through a male’s brain on a daily basis and cramed them into one movie with Jeff Fahey. Not that I don’t like Jeff Fahey, I just can’t say he’s on my mind that often. At least you’ll never get me to admit it here…

Machete rips theaters a new asshole Labor Day Weekend, September 3rd.

Check out the trailer after the jump.

Lindsay Lohan is starring in posters for Inferno, a biopic about Deep Throat porno queen Linda Lovelace. She’s also apparently starring in the film, once they get the whole funding, supporting cast, production start date thing worked out. Lohan spent last week stumbling through the crowded streets and bitchin’ yacht parties in Cannes to drum up support. Not the best marketing strategy if you ask me. Snotty quips and vomit have never sold a movie. …that Mickey Rourke didn’t star in. 

Producers were touting along the French Riviera that Inferno will begin shooting in the Fall. They figure if they offer up a general time of the year the bigwigs will pony up some dough. "Fall! Well that sounds like a season that movies shoot!" Luckily it’s far enough down the line that Lindsay’s court-mandated ankle bracelet will no longer be an issue. Either the authorities will remove it or she’ll have knawed through it during a house music, Red Bull and vodka withdrawal fit. (Cinematical)

For Cinco de Mayo, Robert Rodriguez dropped a package off at the home of his AICN homies, and it turned out to be the "illegal" trailer for Machete hidden underneath a pound of tamales. Alright, I’m not certain about the tamales, but it’s how I deliver all of MY packages.

If you enjoyed the fake trailer for Machete attached to Grindhouse, you won’t be dissappointed by the trailer for the movie made from the trailer. It features a Mexican-hating Robert DeNiro, a Robert DeNiro hating Mexican Danny Trejo, a gun-licking nun Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Jessica Alba with a perm. Also, Soothsayer Rodriguez managed to tap into a controversy that’s bubbling over in Arizona at this very moment, and he predicted that sh*t months ago! Way to make the zeitgiest your bitch, Robert.

Check out the trailer below. Machete slashes into theaters September 3, 2010.

Illega Machete Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

^Perfect.

Lindsay Lohan is officially set to play 70s porn star icon/oral pleasure pioneer Linda Lovelace in the biopic Inferno. The film’s producer Walid Razaqi confirmed that Lohan secured the part, and that they’ll be an official announcement at the Cannes Film Festival. Razaqi stated, "For at least a year, the director and I have gone back and forth imagining how awesome of a performance she could give if she was in the movie." Please be more specific, Walid. Were you guys hangin’ down in the basement, passing the Sunny D and discussing Lohan’s depth and range as an actor, or did one of you casually hold up a banana and say, "I bet Lindsay Lohan could take all of this."

This isn’t the first racy project Lohan has taken on since she entered Phase 2 of career suicide. She attempted to get asses in the seats again by playing a stripper in I Know Who Killed Me, and she’ll appear topless in Machete just for the hay of it. Deep Throat seemed like a sensible next step. (LATimes)

Sensory overload. Not enough blood in my brain as I write this post. Has traveled to my…elsewhere. In a recent interview with MTV, Jessica Alba revealed she’ll be playing identical twins in Robert Rodriguez’s Grindhouse spinoff, Machete. One of them will be bad, one of them will good, and both of them will look like Jessica Alba. I’d suggest that the two Albas kiss in the film but I’m fairly certain such an event would signal the apocalypse. In all honesty, what more would we have to live for? Check out Alba’s interview below.

Noted hard-partier Andrew WK is hosting the new, explosion-filled Destroy Build Destroy on Cartoon Network. On the show, WK gives kids bazookas and encourages them to blow up large vehicles in order to build new kick-ass machines out of the wreckage. It looks like a great update on Mr. Wizard. Without the bad touch.

Here are some more explosive morning headlines…

Megan Fox looks forward to acting someday. (The Playlist)

Lindsay Lohan is pregnant. (Cinema Blend)

Paul Shaffer was nearly George Costanza. (TV Squad)

Limpet remake finds a captain. (THR)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt infers that Stephen Sommers is developmentally disabled. (MTV)

7 Terrible Scripts That Became Great Movies. (Cracked)