Eat it, New Girl.

However, it appears that our streets will once again be plagued by crime and bedlam, as America’s Most Wanted has gotten the hook (yet again) from the network hospice commonly known as Lifetime. However, for those of you, writhing in emotional pain, moaning, “But what of host John Walsh? What of Walsh?” dry your wetted eyes.

Lifetime is working on a series called John Walsh Investigates, which is sure to become the reality-based cousin of Law & Order: SVU, which means that we’ll all watch it when we’re sick or hungover, and not tolerate it at all outside of those contexts.

Apparently, someone called 911 after finding Lohan unconscious and was unable to revive her. Paramedics arrived and somehow determined that there was nothing seriously wrong with her, and left without taking her to the hospital. Lohan is reportedly suffering from a simple case of exhaustion, which is easily explained by the reportedly extreme conditions of the Liz and Dick shoot. Sources say that Lohan had just gotten done with two straight sleep-free days of shooting – no wonder she’s exhausted.

Anyway, Lindsay was NOT hospitalized, contrary to earlier reports, and is apparently doing OK now. Hopefully she will get some sleep and pull herself out of this exhaustion. Or, barring that, do something more interesting to write about. But it’s Friday afternoon, what do you expect? (TMZ)

It was either that or a show where Jennifer Love Hewitt is constantly spilling stuff on her shirt and has to take it off before the stain sets in. Which is to say, it’s genius.

Good news, girlfriends! Your go-to channel for domestic abuse dramatizations is now remaking your favorite movie from all those mid-1980′s sleepovers you revisit with such fondness!

Lifetime announced that they will be making a TV movie adaptation of the 1980 original, which starred Brooke Shields and some guy with hilarious hair. In case there are any younger readers perusing this article to see what all the fuss is about, The Blue Lagoon told the story of a shipwrecked boy and girl who frolic on an island paradise and fall in love. That’s it. That’s the movie. It served as Brooke Shields’ breakout role and spawned a sequel with 1991′s Return to the Blue Lagoon, which introduced the world to a much hotter female lead, Milla Jovavich.

The executive team behind this is also remaking Steel Magnolias for the network, so go ahead and set those DVR’s.

• Steel Magnolias
• All-Black Casts
• Lifetime: Television for Women

That’s right, Lifetime is (finally) remaking Steel Magnolias with an all-black cast. No doubt inspired by the box office take garnered by the Southern and female race-relations study The Help, Lifetime execs gathered around their pink, uterine conference table, soundtracked by Chaka Khan and decreed, “The sisterhood yearns for an adaptation for the ebony godesses” or something like that.

For those unfamiliar, Steel Magnolias was a 1989 ensemble drama-comedy that examined that the bond shared between Southern women. It starred Dolly Parton, a shoulder-padded Julia Roberts, Olympia Dukakis, and Shirley “Hellcat” MacLaine.

Though the film will not be released theatrically, Lifetime has conveyed that they want an A-list cast. In much the same way that I keep conveying that I would like be seated at the Vanity Fair Oscar party with Emma Stone on my lap.

With this news, the entire nation is forced to think long and hard, then answer the question, “Who is the black Olympia Dukakis?”

That’s right. Taye Diggs.

The project hasn’t received the greenlight yet and casting has not been mentioned. But they’re close. Now might be a good time for Jamie Lynn Sigler to start getting sized for dildo octopus monster costumes. (Deadline)

Thank God for the educational intros like the one Drop Dead Diva features. From the quick rundown, I’m able to deduce that this Lifetime show is a story about a model who gets killed, only to get a second chance at living on Earth as Jane, a fat attorney with fabulous girlfriends and a guardian angel, Fred, who appears to be gay. But I don’t want to presume anything, even though, seriously, he looks pretty gay. (I find out later that he’s probably not gay.)

Let’s blow through a recap of the show so that we know what we’re up against here. 

The episode starts off with Jane walking into the kitchen to find her roommate chopping a banana, upon which the trajectory of the episode is quickly divulged.

Jane went on a date with a judge to the beach and had a wonderful time, even learning to “pull the judge’s tiller” which is a sailing term, but also sounds like jerking a dude off. Thanks, Sex and the City, for making sexual puns in women’s programming de rigueur. And thanks, women, for allowing it to happen.

We also learn at this time that CiCi (C.C.? CeeeeeeCeeeeee?), Jane’s roommate, kissed a guy that gave her a ride home from the Entertainment Weekly party (FABULOUS!) even though she’s involved with someone. So we’ve gotten the storyline primed and pumped at the 1:40 mark. Good to get those out of the way. The Wire, this ain’t.

While the opening credits continue to roll, we find that Jane must broker a meeting between a partner at her law firm and his jilted, violent ex. She also drops a reference to expensing Katie Perry tickets, which is something that I can totally related to because, OMG Katy Perry.

Some hot girl named Kim steps into a church for reasons unimportant only to find that the new minister is a total Bladwin. Do people still call hot guys Baldwins? I’m pretty sure they do. Oh. The hot minister is a single dad who lost his wife. Because that’s not cliché.

Cut to Jane brokering the peace between the partner and his ex. But before we get there, it should be noted that the partner is an old white dude, and the ex is Brandi. Yup. Brandi. He politely denies the request to represent her and pushes her out on the office, but Jane comes to sympathize with the ex (Brandi!)

All of this is revealed within the first four minutes or so of the show. 

Click ‘Next Page’ to continue…

“They’ve said ‘Roseanne’s nuts’ for years, and now I’m going to make that a reality – I’m all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!”

Now for a fictional, made-up-by-me quote from Roseanne about the series:

“Please God, just kill me now and don’t allow this atrocity to happen.”

The Lifetime series doesn’t have a title, but I’m guessing it will be some abortion like “Roseanne’s Nuts!” or “Going Nuts with Roseanne!” Please God, just kill me now and don’t allow this atrocity to happen. (via Deadline)