Screen Junkies » law & order http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Tue, 21 Oct 2014 15:17:51 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 5 Suggested Additions To A&E’s “Reality” Lineup http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/5-suggested-additions-to-aes-reality-lineup/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/5-suggested-additions-to-aes-reality-lineup/#comments Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:46:20 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=248125 You know you'd watch Hillbilly Hand Abortions...

The post 5 Suggested Additions To A&E’s “Reality” Lineup appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
Like an atom bomb, news hit last week that A&E will be renewing Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas, and Shipping Wars for 26 episodes each. That means that, starting this summer, people will be treating to 78 new episodes of how things are shipped and stored. People who would like a third of them to take place in Texas will be especially pleased.

Given the success of these shows, we’re sadly past the point where we can make fun of the subject matter (though shows about cake are still fair game), so let’s begin a discussion in earnest of where middle-American reality television goes from here.

Day Care Wars

Know your market. Joe Sixpack and Jane Sixpack-Of-Wine-Coolers burn the candle at both ends to put food on the table, but there isn’t always enough left over to enroll the young ones in a “good” day care center. So, rather than leaving children with a meth-head or some doctor that performs abortions with his bare hand, why don’t they leave their children, free of charge, at a state-of-the-art day care facility owned by A&E’s parent company.

Of course, there’s a catch. Catches, actually. The children’s formative years will be captured on camera by an extremely intrusive production crew. The footage will be edited so that the toddlers are given a distinct “personality” for America to love or hate. These “personalities” could be: the bitch, the closeted toddler, the anorexic pill-popper, the hippie, and the slut.

Once the show has been cast, the day care center will be divided up into two camps, and the camps will compete in a bevy of different events to determine who the better toddlers are. Events will range from Red Rover to freeze tag to TV tag to TV freeze tag. There will be also more direct physical match-ups, which means that the toddlers will team up with strength and conditioning coaches, as well as hand-to-hand combat instructors that will teach krav maga, submission wrestling, drunken boxing, and ji kun do (the way of the fists).

Most of the participants of Day Care Wars will not survive.

Hillbilly Hand Abortions

Sure, it will be controversial, as many believe that abortions stop a beating heart, and most every decent person will be completely repulsed by the idea of pregnancy being terminated with some backcountry hick’s bare hand. However, Game of Thrones shows gross stuff like this all the time, and it’s a crossover hit, so don’t just offer up a knee-jerk reaction. Really think about it.

And think about the cast of characters! Sure, there will be some eccentric rural folk both giving and receiving the abortions, but I guarantee that the people performing the procedures will be doctors (how irresponsible would we be if that wasn’t the case?), so maybe this show could go a long way towards changing some perceptions about rural Americans.

Also, you’d want to put the production company on a VERY secure lot, because it would get firebombed about once every four hours.

Kansas City Wax

We’ve got LA Ink, Sunset Tan, and myriad shows about hairstyling, so let’s push the envelope a little further by not only going with a less-celebrated-but-equally-glamorous trade (waxing), but also spotlighting one of the “flyover” cities that the mainstream media seems so quick to ignore.

Fortunately, Kansas City has the hairiest residents in all of America*, so there’s little doubt that the folks at Kansas City Wax will have their work cut out for them. Further, audiences will get to go on BEHIND THE SCENES at waxing salons. The talcum powder, the ingrown hairs, it’s ALL GOOD!

Also, dog waxing. You’ll have to see it to believe it!

*I made this up. It’s probably not true

Tractor Wars

A chain is tied to two tractors. The tractor that is able to pull the other one over a line between them wins the tractor war.

Gimme Back My Dog!

A team of collection agents-for-hire is assembled and billed as a “Canine Recovery Unit.” The program will offer a Law & Order-type introduction:

In the deep south, dog disputes are an unpleasant way of life. Too hostile and trivial for conventional law enforcement, the location and recovery of these animals is tasked to:

The Canine Recovery Unit

Made up of various dog catchers, washed-up bounty hunters, and sexy blondes, this motley crew will often provide “ridealongs” for celebrity guests such as Selena Gomez, Rick Santorum, and Motley Crüe.

The Baha Men have expressed an interest in performing the theme song for the pilot episode.

The post 5 Suggested Additions To A&E’s “Reality” Lineup appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/5-suggested-additions-to-aes-reality-lineup/feed/ 0 Sibling rivalry hillbilly hand abortions kansas city waxing tractor dog
Hooray For Hollywood: Severed Head Found Near Iconic Hollywood Sign http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/hooray-for-hollywood-severed-head-found-near-iconic-hollywood-sign/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/hooray-for-hollywood-severed-head-found-near-iconic-hollywood-sign/#comments Wed, 18 Jan 2012 19:13:47 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=242822 It's too early to tell if the victim deserved it, so let's stop the speculation right now, guys.

The post Hooray For Hollywood: Severed Head Found Near Iconic Hollywood Sign appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
I’ve heard of getting “a head” in Hollywood, but this is…never mind.

On Tuesday, two dog walkers were, predictably, walking dogs in a park just below the famous Hollywood sign when they discovered a severed human head, with no body found nearby. At press time, it was unclear if one of the dogs brought the head to its master in its mouth like at the beginning of Law & Order episodes.

Police have returned today (Wednesday) with cadaver dogs to search for the rest of the body. Logic tells me that “cadaver dogs” are regular trained dogs that search for corpses, but in my heart of hearts, I still hold out hope that “cadaver dogs” are a pack of undead hell-beasts co-opted by the LAPD or Park Rangers to mete out savage justice for this crime.

Heady stuff, folks. Heady stuff indeed. (CNN)

The post Hooray For Hollywood: Severed Head Found Near Iconic Hollywood Sign appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/hooray-for-hollywood-severed-head-found-near-iconic-hollywood-sign/feed/ 0
NBC Cancels ‘Law & Order’ Before Its Time http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/nbc-cancels-law-order-before-its-time/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/nbc-cancels-law-order-before-its-time/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 The Unemployment Line."Law & Order" creator Dick Wolf is reportedly furious, and not just because his parents named him poorly. NBC dramatically cut Wolf's throat today along with the grocery budgets of struggling New York actors by issuing the shocking announcement they are canceling the flagship show.NBC had promised Wolf they would bring the show back for a final season so that it could claim the longest-running primetime-drama pimpcup from "Gunsmoke," but plans changed when talks between NBC and would-be co-financier TNT fell flat. And then things got worse:That's when NBC threw its agreement with Wolf out the window and demanded Wolf kick in to help "finance the pickup of Law & Order out of all the money he's made. And his reps said, 'Never going to happen'," according to an insider. Another source explained the situation: "Graboff broke off the negotiations last night when they fell apart based on Team Dick's unwillingness to make certain deal concessions deemed unreasonable."Wow. That would be like your boss firing you but allowing you to stay on staff if you agreed to pay your own salary. They have a word for that in business school: balls.

The post NBC Cancels ‘Law & Order’ Before Its Time appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>

The Unemployment Line.

"Law & Order" creator Dick Wolf is reportedly furious, and not just because his parents named him poorly. NBC dramatically cut Wolf’s throat today along with the grocery budgets of struggling New York actors by issuing the shocking announcement they are canceling the flagship show.

NBC had promised Wolf they would bring the show back for a final season so that it could claim the longest-running primetime-drama pimpcup from "Gunsmoke," but plans changed when talks between NBC and would-be co-financier TNT fell flat. And then things got worse:

That’s when NBC threw its agreement with Wolf out the window and demanded Wolf kick in to help "finance the pickup of Law & Order out of all the money he’s made. And his reps said, ‘Never going to happen’," according to an insider. Another source explained the situation: "Graboff broke off the negotiations last night when they fell apart based on Team Dick’s unwillingness to make certain deal concessions deemed unreasonable."

Wow. That would be like your boss firing you but allowing you to stay on staff if you agreed to pay your own salary. They have a word for that in business school: balls.

 

The post NBC Cancels ‘Law & Order’ Before Its Time appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/nbc-cancels-law-order-before-its-time/feed/ 0
Dog Bugs Out to ‘Law & Order’ Theme http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/dog-bugs-out-to-law-order-theme/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/dog-bugs-out-to-law-order-theme/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 This pooch does not take kindly to Law & Order's classic theme. There's no telling if it's the "bum bums" or the "wah wahs" that rattle the canine brain, but I think we're ignoring the obvious. Richard Belzer has HUGE ears, people! They're so freakishly large! Large! Larf! Arf! ARF! (BoingBoing)ARF! ARF! ARF! (Here are today's links)10 Best Twist Endings in Movies (Moviefone)Have Porn Parodies Gone Too Far? (Asylum)25 Terrible Parents (HolyTaco)Mickey Rourke Needs a Condom (FilmDrunk)Hitler Sounds Off About USA's Victory Over Canada (TotalProSports)Tom Green Freestyles Better Than Xzibit (Unreality)The Green Ranger Rides Again in 2nd MMA Fight (CagePotato)Women Who Like to Get Wet (Maxim)Rachel Bilson Photo Shoot Outtakes (CelebJihad)DiCaprio May Wear Some Hammer Pants (Pajiba)A Video Chat Grosser Than Chat Roulette (Atom)Space Savers for Small Apartments (MadeMan)Miss Sprint Cup Paige Duke (AllLeftTurns)

The post Dog Bugs Out to ‘Law & Order’ Theme appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>

This pooch does not take kindly to Law & Order’s classic theme. There’s no telling if it’s the "bum bums" or the "wah wahs" that rattle the canine brain, but I think we’re ignoring the obvious. Richard Belzer has HUGE ears, people! They’re so freakishly large! Large! Larf! Arf! ARF! (BoingBoing)

ARF! ARF! ARF! (Here are today’s links)

10 Best Twist Endings in Movies (Moviefone)

Have Porn Parodies Gone Too Far? (Asylum)

25 Terrible Parents (HolyTaco)

Mickey Rourke Needs a Condom (FilmDrunk)

Hitler Sounds Off About USA’s Victory Over Canada (TotalProSports)

Tom Green Freestyles Better Than Xzibit (Unreality)

The Green Ranger Rides Again in 2nd MMA Fight (CagePotato)

Women Who Like to Get Wet (Maxim)

Rachel Bilson Photo Shoot Outtakes (CelebJihad)

DiCaprio May Wear Some Hammer Pants (Pajiba)

A Video Chat Grosser Than Chat Roulette (Atom)

Space Savers for Small Apartments (MadeMan)

Miss Sprint Cup Paige Duke (AllLeftTurns)

 

The post Dog Bugs Out to ‘Law & Order’ Theme appeared first on Screen Junkies.

]]>
http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/dog-bugs-out-to-law-order-theme/feed/ 0