Screen Junkies » kristen-stewart http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Thu, 28 Aug 2014 18:33:55 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Kristen Stewart Thinks War Can Be Bad In ‘Camp X-Ray’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/kristen-stewart-thinks-war-can-be-bad-in-camp-x-ray-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/kristen-stewart-thinks-war-can-be-bad-in-camp-x-ray-trailer/#comments Fri, 08 Aug 2014 19:23:58 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=263951 Give peace a chance, you guys.

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Vampire kissing has been good to her, but its time for Kristen Stewart to move on and grow as an actor. Or at least be completely transparent in her attempts to do that. Here she stars in Camp X-Ray, a drama that focuses on the unlikely friendship between a Guantanamo Bay guard and the only prisoner not trying to bite and spit on her. Those are always the foundation to a long-lasting relationship.

Director Peter Sattler’s film is drawing rave reviews so, who knows, maybe this will set Stewart back on the rave review path she walked when she did Adventureland and The Runaways. If this fails, she’s got a fall back as she’s already filming the sci-fi studio film, Equals. It’s a futuristic love story set in a world where emotions have been eradicated. It could be her best acting yet.

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Frank Darabont Will Probably Be Directing ‘Snow White And The Huntsman 2′…But With No Zombies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/frank-darabont-will-probably-be-directing-snow-white-and-the-huntsman-2-but-with-no-zombies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/frank-darabont-will-probably-be-directing-snow-white-and-the-huntsman-2-but-with-no-zombies/#comments Mon, 30 Jun 2014 15:51:48 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=262619 This one will be like 'Hunstman: The Move (featuring Snow White)'.

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I don’t think anyone would have normally expected a Snow White re-telling to include mindless, brain-hungry zombies…until Frank Darabont‘s name starts getting tossed around in relation to it. Darabont, who REALLY made a name for himself by directing The Shawshank Redemption and other thoughtful fare, is better known these days as the creator of The Walking Dead who got fired acrimoniously.

Well, after Mob City didn’t work out so well for him. he’s looking to go a more time-tested and secure route: Do stuff that Disney has made popular. More specifically, getting behind the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, a retelling that paired Kristen Stewart with Thor‘s Chris Hemsworth.

This time around, it’s believed that the film will focus more on the Huntsman, because who really wants to spend 90 minutes with Kristen Stewart, all twitchy and tired looking…

The film will be out sometime in 2016, assuming there isn’t a zombie apocalypse by then.

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Honest Trailers: ‘Twilight – Breaking Dawn’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/honest-trailers-twilight-breaking-dawn/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/honest-trailers-twilight-breaking-dawn/#comments Tue, 05 Mar 2013 13:43:30 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=253839 So. Much. Staring.

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We donated several hours of our lives that we’ll never get back to take apart The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts I & II, the one where Bella and Edward finally bang.

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Seth MacFarlane Not Interested In Hosting The Oscars Again Because Who The F*ck Would Want That Job? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/seth-macfarlane-not-interested-in-hosting-the-oscars-again-because-who-the-fck-would-want-that-job/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/seth-macfarlane-not-interested-in-hosting-the-oscars-again-because-who-the-fck-would-want-that-job/#comments Tue, 26 Feb 2013 23:42:44 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=253774 He made a mockery out of a mockery!

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When asked if he would host the Oscars again next year, or any other time, Seth MacFarlane took to Twitter to say, “No way. Lotta fun to have done it, though.”

I’m sure what he meant was “FUCK EVERYONE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” but was a little too polite to post that on Twitter. This leaves the masses wondering who the next lamb to the slaughter is. I would be tempted to say Billy Crystal, but only if we took the metaphor a step further and actually slaughtered Billy Crystal onstage, with co-host Kristen Stewart, bruises and all, plunging a serpentine dagger into his stomach then ripping it across his abdomen in one deft move, allowing him to live long enough to stagger around the stage, mouth agape, as his entrails fell to the floor. And should he prove too resilient to die within 45 seconds, the orchestra would “play him off,” letting Javier Bardem know it was time to step up from his first-row seat and break his neck while whispering three unknown words into Crystal’s ear.

But yearh, Seth MacFarlane won’t be hosting next year.

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Vampires And Werewolves Fight Colonial Ghosts Or Something In ‘Breaking Dawn – Part II’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/vampires-and-werewolves-fight-colonial-ghosts-or-something-in-breaking-dawn-part-ii-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/vampires-and-werewolves-fight-colonial-ghosts-or-something-in-breaking-dawn-part-ii-trailer/#comments Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:54:24 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=250783 The long wait pays off. After this, no more 'Twilight'.

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A longer look at last week’s trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part II is now available to view and fans shou– WHAT?! Kristen Stewart just tackled a mountain lion in mid-air. Totally T-boned it, too!! I always thought these movies were about whispering and ab muscles. Had I known there would be big cat wrestling, I’d have made an effort to see them. Also of note, Robert Pattinson punches the ground and breaks it and it looks like there’s heavy amounts of karate.

All kidding aside, those things are normally very awesome. But here they just look super cheap. Don’t these movies make all the money? Any chance they could invest more into the special effects and white powder make-up on Michael Sheen? He looks like a Scooby Doo villian.

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Just Watch The New ‘Twilight’ Trailer, OK? http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/just-watch-the-new-twilight-trailer-ok/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/just-watch-the-new-twilight-trailer-ok/#comments Wed, 20 Jun 2012 17:44:38 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=249303 Just get it over with.

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Look, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here so I’ll just make this quick. There’s a new trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 has been released, and it’s full of all the cheap special effects, clumsy expository dialogue, disturbing sexual politics, and vampire-on-werewolf violence we’ve all come to expect from the franchise, either firsthand or through that annoying cultural osmosis that happens if you have a Twitter account. Starring Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and a bunch of other people who have no humorous qualities inherent to their appearances, acting styles, or behaviors whatsoever.

So just watch it, alright? I watched it, your 13-year-old niece watched it (49 times and counting), your weird coworkers are watching it right now. You don’t want to be left out, do you? There is a cultural conversation about vampires and werewolves and possibly-vampric-babies happening and you’re going to miss all of it if you DON’T WATCH THIS TRAILER RIGHT NOW!!!

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9 Celebrities With Really Weird Hobbies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-celebrities-with-really-weird-hobbies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-celebrities-with-really-weird-hobbies/#comments Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:00:01 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=238382 None of them collect orphan tears like I do.

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News broke yesterday that Nicolas Cage sold his Superman comic (Action Comics #1, for the aficionados out there) for $2.1 million. Some people will be surprised to learn that Nic Cage is an avid comic collector, others won’t be because he’s something of a comic book character himself. Despite his best efforts, Cage doesn’t have the market cornered on weird celebrity hobbies. Rather, he’s joined by quite a few folks who unwind with everything from typewriters to ping-pong to tree-climbing.

Celebrities! They’re weird like us!

Tom Hanks – 1940’s Typewriters

“I have almost 200 old portable manual typewriters. Most of them are actually working and I keep them rotating.”

Is there a more Tom Hanks-like hobby than collecting old typewriters? That was rhetorical. There is not. That’s awesome. I was hoping that a guy like Hanks would have some weird hobby, like collecting Nazi flatware like Chris Cooper did in American Beauty, but then I remembered that Hanks LOVES World War II, and even that wouldn’t be very weird. Tom Hanks is physically incapable of doing anything that isn’t adorable.

Simon Cowell – Climbing Trees

Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of background here, but on a press call, Simon Cowell just mentioned offhand that he likes to climb trees. Like, a lot. In fact, his exact quote was “I climb trees daily. It’s like a ritual.” I am just imagining him sitting atop a beautiful oak while Ruben Studdard and Adam Lambert are scrambling at the bottom, looking for footholds. In my imagination, Ruben is also crying a lot because he’s scared of heights.

Rod Stewart – Model Trains

Granted, this hobby isn’t all that strange, but it seems extremely out of place for a guy like Rod Stewart.

The Bobby Baccalieri of celebrities, when he’s not buying professional soccer teams, Rod Stewart likes to take his mind off the fact that his daughter is friends with Paris Hilton by building model railways. He was actually featured on the cover of Model Railroader with his recreation of Grand Central Station, which even features little people in 1940’s garb and boasts 100 feet of railroad. It’s hard to make fun of this hobby when he’s had the career he’s had. In fact, he manages to make building model railroads kind of rock and roll. Not bad, Rod.

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9 Actors Who Are More Annoying Than Woody Allen http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-actors-who-are-more-annoying-than-woody-allen/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-actors-who-are-more-annoying-than-woody-allen/#comments Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:00:17 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=237082 If you like being reminded of annoying things, this list is for you.

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Last night, PBS finished a two part documentary on acclaimed comedic actor, writer and director, Woody Allen. In spite of all his acclaim and talent, the sight of Allen onscreen in any capacity annoys and angers me. His voice falls upon my ears in the same register as nails on a chalkboard, or screeching brakes. It’s nothing personal (though I guess it is). I just can’t stand the guy.

However, there are some actors who, for one reason or another, surpass Mr. Allen in the annoying department, in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look at a few who can torpedo a movie with even so much as a cameo.

Jay Leno

Ok. Jay Leno isn’t an actor. But he appears in countless films as himself, a talk-show host who serves as the indicator that a character now exists in the cultural lexicon. His presence has become so clichéd, as have the inevitable bad, one-off joke that his “character” delivers, that I hate to see him in any film. He’s a lumbering bridge between the fictional world and the real world that terminates suspension of disbelief and serves as a reminder that Jay Leno exists and that I just paid $15 to see him in a movie, if only for a second.

Harvey Fierstein

I don’t know what raspy rock this guy climbed out from under, but I wish he would get back to it. Fortunately, he doesn’t make too many appearances these days, so I’m able to largely keep him out of mind. But his turn in Independence Day still haunts me, my only solace being the knowledge that his character got crushed by a flying car. His voice and affectations dominate every scene. His acting is the equivalent of Brad Pitt deciding that he’s going to do every film from now on with a KFC bucket on his head, but way less awesome than that.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Here uber-calm demeanor always has me feeling as though she is conducting an internal monologue. Granted, the heavy-handed narrative of SATC has everything to do with this, but we’re talking about effects here, not causes. She seems superhumanly patient with everything, always speaking with thinly-veiled exasperation that never seem to develop into anything more. And that’s annoying, like being around a person whose default setting is “whiney” when they’re oblivious to it.

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A Guy’s Guide To ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/a-guys-guide-to-the-twilight-saga-new-moon/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/a-guys-guide-to-the-twilight-saga-new-moon/#comments Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:32:40 +0000 Nicholas Pell http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=237009 I watched this crap so you don't have to.

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon is the totally self-important title of the second Twilight film. Here we see the further adventures of Beautiful Swan and Edward “Pedo Bear” Cullen. This is the movie where Bella experiences loss, starts seeing ghosts and hangs out with some Native American werewolf dude until her boyfriend comes back to her. We suffered so you don’t have to, gents.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

After the events of Twilight, Edward decides that Bella is safer without him around. This is obviously stupid, because the vampire pack that looks like the Black Eyed Peas are probably pretty pissed that their blond friend got killed in the last movie. Whatever will Bells do without the superhuman strength of a sparkly vampire to protect her?

Even though Edward leaves, Bella keeps seeing him around in ghost form. But while she waits for him to return, she does all kinds of attention-seeking nonsense, including riding a motorcycle (SO EDGY). She also gets pretty close with Jacob the werewolf boy, and he helps her build a motorcycle. Of course, she’s just killing time with Jacob until her wonderful Edward comes back.

Because Edward has a sister who can see the future very poorly, he mistakenly thinks Bella will try to kill herself. As such, he decides to kill himself by heading off to Italy and pissing off vampire royalty known as the Volturi. At the end of the movie, Bella saves Edward and the Volturi tell Edward he has to make Bella into a vampire. They both pretend like this might not happen, even though everyone who has ever seen a movie knows that it will eventually. Also, Edward pressures Bella to marry, making him unlike any man who has ever lived.

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If ‘Twilight’ Characters Were Real People (Gallery) http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/if-twilight-characters-were-real-people-gallery/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/if-twilight-characters-were-real-people-gallery/#comments Thu, 17 Nov 2011 20:03:00 +0000 Noah Griffith http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=gallery&p=236965 These are 100% accurate depictions of what your favorite Twilight characters would look like in real life.

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With only hours to go before The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 hits theaters, millions of young girls and probably a few very creepy old men can barely contain their excitement. Once again, fans will be thrust into the supernatural world inhabited by vampires, werewolves, and mummies (I made that last one up, but I really want to see an angst-filled teen mummy).

But sadly, much like a female orgasm, the world of Twilight is purely fiction. And while I can’t bring fans into the world of Twilight, I might just be able to bring Twilight into the real world. Using a high-powered photo-rendering program known as “Photoshop,” I created (or “shopped”) these 100% accurate depictions of what your favorite Twilight characters would look like in real life. Hopefully, in some small way, this will help fans hang on until the next installment.

Photos by Noah Griffith, Text by Jame Gumb

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PG-13 Sex And Vampire C-Sections: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1′ Is Unintentionally Awesome http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/pg-13-sex-and-vampire-c-sections-breaking-dawn-part-1-is-unintentional-awesome/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/pg-13-sex-and-vampire-c-sections-breaking-dawn-part-1-is-unintentional-awesome/#comments Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:17:04 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=237007 I've heard of biting the umbilical cord, but this is ridiculous.

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In case you hadn’t heard, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 hits theaters Friday, giving awkward tween girls, unfulfilled housewives, and lonely secretaries everywhere something to do on a Friday night (besides eat ice cream and/or cry with their cats). As is usually the case with a new Twilight film, anticipation is running high. But this time, things are a little different. I’ve seen Bill Condon’s Breaking Dawn, and I’m here to tell you that—against all odds—I think you oughtta see it even if you’re not a fan.

(Check Out A Guy’s Guide To Twilight)

You’ve probably already decided that you aren’t going to see Breaking Dawn. Not only will you be missing out on one of the greatest unintentional comedies of all time, but you’ll also be depriving yourself of one of the most bat-shit-crazy 20-minute stretches of melodrama ever committed to film. Breaking Dawn’s first half is nigh unwatchable, taking a solid hour to limp through what seems to be about fifteen minutes’ worth of story. But its second half—particularly its final twenty minutes—is something you owe it to yourself to see.

It. Is. Glorious. But it’s not like that finale is the only reason you should see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 this weekend. Hell, I can think of at least half a dozen reasons you should go. Here they are, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead, obviously…

Shirts Are Irrelevant From Minute-One

Stephenie Meyer wants you to believe that she’s essayed a deep, thoughtful, compelling romance in the Twilight series, but the story’s so emotionally false, it’s simply impossible to take seriously. Kristen Stewart’s Bella consistently comes across as emotionally unstable, her moods swinging from one extreme to another seemingly without cause. And yet, the men in her world—be it Jacob The Werewolf-Boy or Edward The Sparkly Vampire-Lad—welcome each new swoop of the pendulum with endless patience and understanding. There’s something to be said for working through the issues you’re having with your partner, but let’s be realistic here: if any dude I know were dating Bella, he’d dump her ass after the third inexplicable meltdown (note: if Kristen Stewart were hotter, this might be a touch more believable).

Also worth noting: Condon’s camera is constantly lingering on this movie’s version of money shots—a wedding gown, expensive furniture, an absurdly ornate piece of jewelry stuck to Stewart’s head. The girls in my audience cooed at each of these shots, sometimes outright moaning. It was freaky, until I realized I was watching emo-porn for the tween girl set.

The PG-13 Sex Scene To End All PG-13 Sex Scenes

You’d think that after three films and however-much-time-has-passed in the novels, Edward and Bella’s “first time” (the word “sex” is never used here, because…I mean, my God, how filthy would that be?!) would be a bed-breaking, Earth-shattering affair. And ya know what? It is. Edward hits that like the fist of an angry God, ripping a huge chunk out of the headboard, leaving bruises all over Bella’s beautifully, uh, already-sickly-looking pale skin, and somehow destroying every pillow in the process. At least, that’s what I gathered from the onscreen evidence; it’s entirely possible that—in the same world where vampires sparkle—vampires also ejaculate feathers. I mean, Edward just decimates that ass. But this is a PG-13 movie, so we get a couple quick shots—mostly of furniture being destroyed—before the all-purpose “cut to the morning after” shot. Still, though, it’s unintentionally hilarious.

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A Guy’s Guide to ‘Twilight’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/a-guys-guide-to-twilight/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/a-guys-guide-to-twilight/#comments Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:18:47 +0000 Nicholas Pell http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=236550 Everything you need to know to fake a conversation about the film with a girl you're trying to sleep with.

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For most guys, Twilight is about as useful as a non-vodka-soaked tampon. Although it might not seem like something you’re interested in, this article will give you just enough information about the film to fake your way though a conversation, which might help you get in a girl’s pants. Pretty sweet, right? Let’s move on.

Twilight is the first film in The Twilight Saga. It’s so OG that it doesn’t even have “The Twilight Saga” in its name, kind of like Star Wars before George Lucas decided he wanted to piss all over your childhood.

This film tells the lovely tale of how a 100-year-old dude got a 17-year-old girl he basically hates to fall in love with him while he was hanging around high school.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

Bella Swan leaves Arizona so her mom can be a MILF with some dude who plays minor league baseball. When she gets to her new school, all these Mormon-faced dorks want to slip their tube steak in her. Instead, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a 100-year-old man who looks like a teenager and treats her like shit. Edward is part of a clan of vegan vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. He’s a pretty good lesson in what women want, especially women who like stuff like Twilight.

Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire because she is apparently really smart. However, she’s not smart enough to know to avoid some dude who breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. While playing baseball with the Mormon Vampire Cullen family, another group of vampires who look like the Black Eyed Peas see Bella and decide to eat her. The Cullens don’t cotton to this, and kill one of them to protect her. Specifically, they kill the blond vampire who looks like that guy whose girlfriend you boned in college while he sat in the corner and cried. At any rate, Edward saves Bella’s life after the blond dude bites her, and all is well in Twilight land.

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‘Breaking Dawn’ Actress Kristen Stewart http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/%e2%80%98breaking-dawn%e2%80%99-actress-kristen-stewart/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/%e2%80%98breaking-dawn%e2%80%99-actress-kristen-stewart/#comments Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:04:34 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=gallery&p=236806 Don't hate. Or do. Whatever.

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Twilight actress Kristen Stewart has her fair share of haters, but it’s hard to deny that the girl is objectively attractive and, all things considered, not half bad in the acting department. Maybe once her lucrative vampire tryst is over she’ll surprise us all with some critically-acclaimed, box-office disappointment of an indie flick that’ll legitimize her career for those not drinking the Twilight Kool-Aid. Snow White and the Huntsman doesn’t look too shabby either.

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A Gallery Of Completely Factual ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1′ Spoilers http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/a-gallery-of-completely-factual-twilight-breaking-dawn-part-1-spoilers/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/gallery/a-gallery-of-completely-factual-twilight-breaking-dawn-part-1-spoilers/#comments Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:48:58 +0000 Screen Junkies http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=gallery&p=236616 Spoiler Alert: Bella and Edward play chess.

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Spoiler Alert: If you Twihards don’t want to know about Twilight: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, read no further. I know the movie doesn’t open until later this weeek, but damn it, I just can’t wait for all that hot vampire on vampire action, embargo be damned! I’ve got ten completely accurate Twilight spoilers burning a hole in my pocket, and I’m about to share them all with you. Just click on the pictures above to see the spoilers for yourself.

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A Guy’s Guide To The ‘Twilight’ Characters http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/a-guys-guide-to-the-twilight-characters/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/a-guys-guide-to-the-twilight-characters/#comments Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:00:21 +0000 Nicholas Pell http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=236254 Everything you need to know to fake a conversation about Twilight...

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Get ready, guys. The new Twilight film, Breaking Dawn, Part I, is coming. This means that at some point in the next month, a girl is going to want to discuss the movies with you, if not actually drag you to a screening. As such, you need to pretend like you care about Twilight, which is a tall order. Luckily, Screen Junkies has you covered. Here’s part one to our four-part guide to understanding as much as you need to understand — or as much as there is to understand — about Twilight.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The Characters

Bella Swan

Bella Swan is the protagonist of Twilight. Her name means “beautiful swan.” Sadly, we aren’t kidding. She is kind of a stand in for Stephanie Meyers, a creepy Mormon lady who clearly wants to be in an abusive relationship with a 100-year old man posing as a 17-year old. She has absolutely no personal qualities other than loving Edward Cullen, and she makes one single bitchface throughout all of the Twilight movies. She thinks she likes Jacob for a little while, but mostly she’s just into having some super-old dude she barely knows tell her what to do all the time.

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen is Bella Swan’s love. He’s a creepy old man in the body of a 17-year-old boy who is, for some reason, hanging around high school girls. Female Twi-hards think he’s super romantic and ignore what an abusive, crazy dude he is. When Bella is sleeping, he lurks in her bedroom without her knowledge, and when she’s awake, he’s always telling her what to do. We never get any reason for why Edward loves Bella so much, which isn’t surprising, since she has no personality, and his character has all the depth of and nuance of Tony Danza’s acting.

Also, he sparkles like glitter in the sun and wears a “purity ring” because Twilight is basically Mormon propaganda.

Jacob Black

Jacob Black is a werewolf who is pretty awesome until he falls in love with Bella, at which point he becomes a total vagine. He’s a Native American, which is admittedly pretty rad, as is being a werewolf. He builds motorcycles from scratch with his bare hands, which actually qualifies him as a legit bad ass. Sadly, the fact that he’s a bad ass is probably why Bella ends up with Edward. Twilight is basically for depressing fat chicks, and they’d rather see a sensitive lady man like Edward get the girl than a dude with tattoos who reeks of motor grease.

Unfortunately, as the movies go on, Jacob increasingly becomes a thoughtful, sensitive man who knows how to console Bella, cook a romantic dinner, and shop for tampons without even being told what brand to buy.

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Charlize Theron Nude & Milk-Coated In ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ Teaser http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/charlize-theron-nude-milk-coated-in-snow-white-and-the-huntsman-teaser/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/charlize-theron-nude-milk-coated-in-snow-white-and-the-huntsman-teaser/#comments Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:01:21 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=236106 If you're into that kind of thing.

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6 photosCharlize Theron

The first trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman is here and it writes all the wrongs of the original. Now we have naked Charlize Theron, epic battles Thor throwing a hatchet in slow-motion, people shattering, and huge beasts. No warrior dwarfs yet, though. Those will likely be revealed in a long, drawn-out release of totally radxxxcal motion hologram posters.

Most of the action centers on Charlize Theron‘s evil queen and he practices of draining the beauty from those who put her Fairest in the Land title at risk. We then get some world building as The Huntsman and Snow White are briefly introduced. All in all, it looks like an overdone (but in the best way) effort from first-time director Rupert Sanders. Potential tag line: “This tale ain’t for fairies.”

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Boot Knockin’, Werewolf Fights, And Bad Burritos In ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1′ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/boot-knockin-werewolf-fights-and-bad-burritos-in-twilight-breaking-dawn-part-1-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/boot-knockin-werewolf-fights-and-bad-burritos-in-twilight-breaking-dawn-part-1-trailer/#comments Wed, 14 Sep 2011 13:56:05 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=228397 Bella learns the consequences of buying hot meals at the gas station.

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It’s every young husband’s nightmare — after getting your wife pregnant during the honeymoon, your super-genes cause the baby to grow at a rapid rate and it is born within a matter of days, thus killing the mom. C’mon guys, we’ve all thought about it.

That’s exactly what happens to Robert Pattinson in the new trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. Also, looks like we get a rumble between vampires and werewolves. If you’re into the imagery of gaunt art school students suplexing over-sized wolves, you’d better get yourself a ticket, because this is the movie for you.

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Instead Of David Arquette, These 9 Actors Should Sign On For ‘Dancing With The Stars’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/instead-of-david-arquette-these-9-actors-should-sign-on-for-dancing-with-the-stars/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/instead-of-david-arquette-these-9-actors-should-sign-on-for-dancing-with-the-stars/#comments Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:41:00 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=225966 Because we're tired of watching happy, attractive people dance.

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Today it was announced that David Arquette will be joining the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, which is “news” only in the most literal sense of the word. Arquette is just one of many mass-marketed celebrities to appear on the show with (presumably) the goal of reinventing themselves for some professional or personal purpose.

That’s crap. The show should only pick stars baed on their unintentional humor quotient. This quotient could be an amalgam of: how strange the person looks, how seriously they take themselves, how logistically difficult it would be for that person to participate in a dance contest, and other factors that would make the show tolerable to watch.

9. Steve Buscemi

We see him dance (well) on Boardwalk Empire, but that context lends itself to taking him seriously. I want to see Mr. Buscemi dressed up in a black leather jacket with greased hair, tossing some girl in a poodle skirt around to “Rock Around The Clock.”

8. Kristen Stewart

Why? Because twitchy people have a difficult time sitting still when they are being lowered for tango dips. Also, the sour look on her face while performing the Charleston would be indicative of the duality of man, or something.

7. Peter Dinklage

Because he’s so short, you see?

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First ‘Breaking Dawn’ Image Gets Feathery http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/first-breaking-dawn-images-gives-you-feathers/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/first-breaking-dawn-images-gives-you-feathers/#comments Sat, 27 Nov 2010 17:27:11 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=9253 Here, have a handful of feathers. It's certainly better than another pic of Bella and Edward avoiding eye contact and then making eye contact.

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Here, have a handful of feathers. It’s certainly better than another pic of Bella and Edward avoiding eye contact and then making eye contact. Director Bill Condon tweeted the above pic from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 yesterday as a special Thanksgiving treat. I bet many of you are so incredibly thankful. I don’t know the Breaking Dawn story, and I won’t go into why because I’m trying to be less snarky about things that aren’t produced for my personal liking, but apparently feathers happen while Bella and Edward consummate their marriage…by finally banging. Yay, sex! Now that’s something I can get behind. (ComingSoon)

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