I’m sure what he meant was “FUCK EVERYONE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” but was a little too polite to post that on Twitter. This leaves the masses wondering who the next lamb to the slaughter is. I would be tempted to say Billy Crystal, but only if we took the metaphor a step further and actually slaughtered Billy Crystal onstage, with co-host Kristen Stewart, bruises and all, plunging a serpentine dagger into his stomach then ripping it across his abdomen in one deft move, allowing him to live long enough to stagger around the stage, mouth agape, as his entrails fell to the floor. And should he prove too resilient to die within 45 seconds, the orchestra would “play him off,” letting Javier Bardem know it was time to step up from his first-row seat and break his neck while whispering three unknown words into Crystal’s ear.

But yearh, Seth MacFarlane won’t be hosting next year.

All kidding aside, those things are normally very awesome. But here they just look super cheap. Don’t these movies make all the money? Any chance they could invest more into the special effects and white powder make-up on Michael Sheen? He looks like a Scooby Doo villian.

So just watch it, alright? I watched it, your 13-year-old niece watched it (49 times and counting), your weird coworkers are watching it right now. You don’t want to be left out, do you? There is a cultural conversation about vampires and werewolves and possibly-vampric-babies happening and you’re going to miss all of it if you DON’T WATCH THIS TRAILER RIGHT NOW!!!

Celebrities! They’re weird like us!

Tom Hanks – 1940’s Typewriters

“I have almost 200 old portable manual typewriters. Most of them are actually working and I keep them rotating.”

Is there a more Tom Hanks-like hobby than collecting old typewriters? That was rhetorical. There is not. That’s awesome. I was hoping that a guy like Hanks would have some weird hobby, like collecting Nazi flatware like Chris Cooper did in American Beauty, but then I remembered that Hanks LOVES World War II, and even that wouldn’t be very weird. Tom Hanks is physically incapable of doing anything that isn’t adorable.

Simon Cowell – Climbing Trees

Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of background here, but on a press call, Simon Cowell just mentioned offhand that he likes to climb trees. Like, a lot. In fact, his exact quote was “I climb trees daily. It’s like a ritual.” I am just imagining him sitting atop a beautiful oak while Ruben Studdard and Adam Lambert are scrambling at the bottom, looking for footholds. In my imagination, Ruben is also crying a lot because he’s scared of heights.

Rod Stewart – Model Trains

Granted, this hobby isn’t all that strange, but it seems extremely out of place for a guy like Rod Stewart.

The Bobby Baccalieri of celebrities, when he’s not buying professional soccer teams, Rod Stewart likes to take his mind off the fact that his daughter is friends with Paris Hilton by building model railways. He was actually featured on the cover of Model Railroader with his recreation of Grand Central Station, which even features little people in 1940’s garb and boasts 100 feet of railroad. It’s hard to make fun of this hobby when he’s had the career he’s had. In fact, he manages to make building model railroads kind of rock and roll. Not bad, Rod.

However, there are some actors who, for one reason or another, surpass Mr. Allen in the annoying department, in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look at a few who can torpedo a movie with even so much as a cameo.

Jay Leno

Ok. Jay Leno isn’t an actor. But he appears in countless films as himself, a talk-show host who serves as the indicator that a character now exists in the cultural lexicon. His presence has become so clichéd, as have the inevitable bad, one-off joke that his “character” delivers, that I hate to see him in any film. He’s a lumbering bridge between the fictional world and the real world that terminates suspension of disbelief and serves as a reminder that Jay Leno exists and that I just paid $15 to see him in a movie, if only for a second.

Harvey Fierstein

I don’t know what raspy rock this guy climbed out from under, but I wish he would get back to it. Fortunately, he doesn’t make too many appearances these days, so I’m able to largely keep him out of mind. But his turn in Independence Day still haunts me, my only solace being the knowledge that his character got crushed by a flying car. His voice and affectations dominate every scene. His acting is the equivalent of Brad Pitt deciding that he’s going to do every film from now on with a KFC bucket on his head, but way less awesome than that.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Here uber-calm demeanor always has me feeling as though she is conducting an internal monologue. Granted, the heavy-handed narrative of SATC has everything to do with this, but we’re talking about effects here, not causes. She seems superhumanly patient with everything, always speaking with thinly-veiled exasperation that never seem to develop into anything more. And that’s annoying, like being around a person whose default setting is “whiney” when they’re oblivious to it.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

After the events of Twilight, Edward decides that Bella is safer without him around. This is obviously stupid, because the vampire pack that looks like the Black Eyed Peas are probably pretty pissed that their blond friend got killed in the last movie. Whatever will Bells do without the superhuman strength of a sparkly vampire to protect her?

Even though Edward leaves, Bella keeps seeing him around in ghost form. But while she waits for him to return, she does all kinds of attention-seeking nonsense, including riding a motorcycle (SO EDGY). She also gets pretty close with Jacob the werewolf boy, and he helps her build a motorcycle. Of course, she’s just killing time with Jacob until her wonderful Edward comes back.

Because Edward has a sister who can see the future very poorly, he mistakenly thinks Bella will try to kill herself. As such, he decides to kill himself by heading off to Italy and pissing off vampire royalty known as the Volturi. At the end of the movie, Bella saves Edward and the Volturi tell Edward he has to make Bella into a vampire. They both pretend like this might not happen, even though everyone who has ever seen a movie knows that it will eventually. Also, Edward pressures Bella to marry, making him unlike any man who has ever lived.

Photos by Noah Griffith, Text by Jame Gumb

(Check Out A Guy’s Guide To Twilight)

You’ve probably already decided that you aren’t going to see Breaking Dawn. Not only will you be missing out on one of the greatest unintentional comedies of all time, but you’ll also be depriving yourself of one of the most bat-shit-crazy 20-minute stretches of melodrama ever committed to film. Breaking Dawn’s first half is nigh unwatchable, taking a solid hour to limp through what seems to be about fifteen minutes’ worth of story. But its second half—particularly its final twenty minutes—is something you owe it to yourself to see.

It. Is. Glorious. But it’s not like that finale is the only reason you should see Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 this weekend. Hell, I can think of at least half a dozen reasons you should go. Here they are, in no particular order. Spoilers ahead, obviously…

Shirts Are Irrelevant From Minute-One

Stephenie Meyer wants you to believe that she’s essayed a deep, thoughtful, compelling romance in the Twilight series, but the story’s so emotionally false, it’s simply impossible to take seriously. Kristen Stewart’s Bella consistently comes across as emotionally unstable, her moods swinging from one extreme to another seemingly without cause. And yet, the men in her world—be it Jacob The Werewolf-Boy or Edward The Sparkly Vampire-Lad—welcome each new swoop of the pendulum with endless patience and understanding. There’s something to be said for working through the issues you’re having with your partner, but let’s be realistic here: if any dude I know were dating Bella, he’d dump her ass after the third inexplicable meltdown (note: if Kristen Stewart were hotter, this might be a touch more believable).

Also worth noting: Condon’s camera is constantly lingering on this movie’s version of money shots—a wedding gown, expensive furniture, an absurdly ornate piece of jewelry stuck to Stewart’s head. The girls in my audience cooed at each of these shots, sometimes outright moaning. It was freaky, until I realized I was watching emo-porn for the tween girl set.

The PG-13 Sex Scene To End All PG-13 Sex Scenes

You’d think that after three films and however-much-time-has-passed in the novels, Edward and Bella’s “first time” (the word “sex” is never used here, because…I mean, my God, how filthy would that be?!) would be a bed-breaking, Earth-shattering affair. And ya know what? It is. Edward hits that like the fist of an angry God, ripping a huge chunk out of the headboard, leaving bruises all over Bella’s beautifully, uh, already-sickly-looking pale skin, and somehow destroying every pillow in the process. At least, that’s what I gathered from the onscreen evidence; it’s entirely possible that—in the same world where vampires sparkle—vampires also ejaculate feathers. I mean, Edward just decimates that ass. But this is a PG-13 movie, so we get a couple quick shots—mostly of furniture being destroyed—before the all-purpose “cut to the morning after” shot. Still, though, it’s unintentionally hilarious.

Twilight is the first film in The Twilight Saga. It’s so OG that it doesn’t even have “The Twilight Saga” in its name, kind of like Star Wars before George Lucas decided he wanted to piss all over your childhood.

This film tells the lovely tale of how a 100-year-old dude got a 17-year-old girl he basically hates to fall in love with him while he was hanging around high school.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

Bella Swan leaves Arizona so her mom can be a MILF with some dude who plays minor league baseball. When she gets to her new school, all these Mormon-faced dorks want to slip their tube steak in her. Instead, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a 100-year-old man who looks like a teenager and treats her like shit. Edward is part of a clan of vegan vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. He’s a pretty good lesson in what women want, especially women who like stuff like Twilight.

Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire because she is apparently really smart. However, she’s not smart enough to know to avoid some dude who breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. While playing baseball with the Mormon Vampire Cullen family, another group of vampires who look like the Black Eyed Peas see Bella and decide to eat her. The Cullens don’t cotton to this, and kill one of them to protect her. Specifically, they kill the blond vampire who looks like that guy whose girlfriend you boned in college while he sat in the corner and cried. At any rate, Edward saves Bella’s life after the blond dude bites her, and all is well in Twilight land.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The Characters

Bella Swan

Bella Swan is the protagonist of Twilight. Her name means “beautiful swan.” Sadly, we aren’t kidding. She is kind of a stand in for Stephanie Meyers, a creepy Mormon lady who clearly wants to be in an abusive relationship with a 100-year old man posing as a 17-year old. She has absolutely no personal qualities other than loving Edward Cullen, and she makes one single bitchface throughout all of the Twilight movies. She thinks she likes Jacob for a little while, but mostly she’s just into having some super-old dude she barely knows tell her what to do all the time.

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen is Bella Swan’s love. He’s a creepy old man in the body of a 17-year-old boy who is, for some reason, hanging around high school girls. Female Twi-hards think he’s super romantic and ignore what an abusive, crazy dude he is. When Bella is sleeping, he lurks in her bedroom without her knowledge, and when she’s awake, he’s always telling her what to do. We never get any reason for why Edward loves Bella so much, which isn’t surprising, since she has no personality, and his character has all the depth of and nuance of Tony Danza’s acting.

Also, he sparkles like glitter in the sun and wears a “purity ring” because Twilight is basically Mormon propaganda.

Jacob Black

Jacob Black is a werewolf who is pretty awesome until he falls in love with Bella, at which point he becomes a total vagine. He’s a Native American, which is admittedly pretty rad, as is being a werewolf. He builds motorcycles from scratch with his bare hands, which actually qualifies him as a legit bad ass. Sadly, the fact that he’s a bad ass is probably why Bella ends up with Edward. Twilight is basically for depressing fat chicks, and they’d rather see a sensitive lady man like Edward get the girl than a dude with tattoos who reeks of motor grease.

Unfortunately, as the movies go on, Jacob increasingly becomes a thoughtful, sensitive man who knows how to console Bella, cook a romantic dinner, and shop for tampons without even being told what brand to buy.

6 photosCharlize Theron

Most of the action centers on Charlize Theron‘s evil queen and he practices of draining the beauty from those who put her Fairest in the Land title at risk. We then get some world building as The Huntsman and Snow White are briefly introduced. All in all, it looks like an overdone (but in the best way) effort from first-time director Rupert Sanders. Potential tag line: “This tale ain’t for fairies.”

That’s exactly what happens to Robert Pattinson in the new trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. Also, looks like we get a rumble between vampires and werewolves. If you’re into the imagery of gaunt art school students suplexing over-sized wolves, you’d better get yourself a ticket, because this is the movie for you.

That’s crap. The show should only pick stars baed on their unintentional humor quotient. This quotient could be an amalgam of: how strange the person looks, how seriously they take themselves, how logistically difficult it would be for that person to participate in a dance contest, and other factors that would make the show tolerable to watch.

9. Steve Buscemi

We see him dance (well) on Boardwalk Empire, but that context lends itself to taking him seriously. I want to see Mr. Buscemi dressed up in a black leather jacket with greased hair, tossing some girl in a poodle skirt around to “Rock Around The Clock.”

8. Kristen Stewart

Why? Because twitchy people have a difficult time sitting still when they are being lowered for tango dips. Also, the sour look on her face while performing the Charleston would be indicative of the duality of man, or something.

7. Peter Dinklage

Because he’s so short, you see?

Here, have a handful of feathers. It’s certainly better than another pic of Bella and Edward avoiding eye contact and then making eye contact. Director Bill Condon tweeted the above pic from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 yesterday as a special Thanksgiving treat. I bet many of you are so incredibly thankful. I don’t know the Breaking Dawn story, and I won’t go into why because I’m trying to be less snarky about things that aren’t produced for my personal liking, but apparently feathers happen while Bella and Edward consummate their marriage…by finally banging. Yay, sex! Now that’s something I can get behind. (ComingSoon)