Less Than Zero

Sure, their existence is hollow, and they’re simply self-medicating in order to dull their unhappiness, but what a way to self-medicate. These beautiful people cruise around, banging models (both male and female), spending money hand-over-fist, all while whacked out on Xanax, pot, coke, and alcohol. Sure, the survival rate of a Bret Easton Ellis story is about 40%, but when you look so damn cool doing it, wouldn’t you be willing to roll the dice? Just stay away from the sleazy pimps named Rip.

The Doors

We all know how The Doors ends, because it’s a true story. Nonetheless, it’s easy to ignore that good judgment and want to dive right in to the Sunset Strip scene of the late 60’s and early 70’s with someone as charismatic as Jim Morrison, trashing hotel rooms while naked, and tripping balls every day that ends in “y.” I mean, yes, cocaine and alcohol can end your life as fast as a bullet can, but if they enable you to look awesome in leather pants, isn’t it possible that it’s worth it? Probably not, but again, this list isn’t about good judgment. It’s about writing shitty poetry while on peyote.

Below are some fine films (except for maybe Saving Silverman) that demonstrate how the fairer sex can sometimes be totally unfair.

8. Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone) – Casino

She’s a succubus, pure and simple. Imagine your dream girl. She could very well look like Sharon Stone. Then give her a crippling coke and pill habit. Then see to it that she bangs out your best friend, who happens to be Joe Pesci (Hey! You’re friends with Joe Pesci!) and also regularly grinds on her ex, a pimp named Lester.

I’m not done yet.

Then she ties your child to the bed so she can go out drinking. Then she tries to hightail it with James Woods (Lester) with all your money.

Is she still your dream girl? No. She’s your nightmare girl. A few months later you find out that she collapsed in a motel room hallway and died.

You’re smiling right now, aren’t you?

7. Debbie (Leslie Mann) – Knocked Up

No brainer. The character Mann played was the very definition of shrill. Not only was she bitchy to her husband, Paul Rudd’s character, but to Ben, Seth Rogen’s character, and even the doorman at the nightclub, played by Craig Robinson. Who can be mean to Craig Robinson? That’s insane. Her character was so abrasive that it caused Katherine Heigl to speak out against director Judd Apatow for vilifying women.

The final straw comes when she attempts to kick the schlubby Rogen out of the delivery room, only to have him blow up at her and kick her out. When he does this, she finally gains respect for him, which is endearing, but also means that she knows how awful she actually is, making her more awful.

Paul Rudd could do a lot better.

6. Patty (Sarah Silverman) – School of Rock

She essentially exists as the impetus for Jack Black to start schooling the kids in rock, so it’s natural that she would be written as a stone-cold B to her boyfriend. Sure, Silverman plays the sweet crass thing well, but when she turns it on, she can be a snippy as she is funny. This is what happens when sweet girls use their powers for evil instead of good.

5. Jenny (Robin Wright) – Forrest Gump

Well, he was there for her when her she was being abused in her house, he saved her from near-suicide in the disco era, and he cared for her while she was dying of AIDS. What did she do for him? She slept with him then popped in and out of his life as she saw fit, taking his help, then running away to go bang whatever stereotype of the era was around (hippie, clubrat, whatever).

Forrest may not be a smart man, but he does know what love is. Which is more than we can say for Jenny. Even when she shows up with Haley Joel Osment, it’s too little, too late. My baby mama’s have the decency to tell me that I’m the father while they’re still carrying. It’s common courtesy, and we’re losing it in this age of The Twitter and Friendster.

4. Melissa (Rachel Harris) – The Hangover

Sure, she’s a character crafted to be over-the-top ridiculous so we don’t feel bad when Ed Helm’s Stu strays from his vows and bangs out Heather Graham’s stripper, but you know what? It works?

Her disdain for everything that’s not about her is palpable. Just thinking of it makes me want to roger Heather Graham right now.

3. Judith (Amanda Peet) – Saving Silverman

The title of this goes beyond the millennial convention of simply slapping a title of (blank)ing (blank) onto a film and watching the money roll in. Silverman’s best friends, played by Steve Zahn and Jack Black really are trying to save him. So I guess technically, it could be said that Jack Black is a savior. It needn’t be, but it could.

Peet’s character is pretty much awful from the moment we see her, but Jason Bigg’s protagonist is willing to look past all that cause she’s pretty hot. That’s something we can all forgive. The fact that she keeps thwarting the bumbling, well-intentioned friends just fans our fury. Steve Zahn doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

2. (Cookie) Catherine O’Hara – Best in Show

While most entrants on this list are unspeakably cruel at worst and painfully grating at best, Catherine O’Hara’s Cookie Fleck is just unspeakably misguided. Well, that and it sounds like she used to be a ginormous slut with most everyone in the incestuous world of international dog shows. Who knew that they were having so much sex?

However, it’s easy enough to hide a promiscuous past, but Cookie seems to throw it in the face of her husband, played by a patient, but at-the-end-of-his-rope Eugene Levy. He dismisses the allegations playfully, claiming that she has had “dozens of boyfriends,” but she quickly interrupts him to chime in, “Hundreds.”

1. Linda (Angela Featherstone) – The Wedding Singer

Well, she no-shows on their wedding day. That’s sort of a red flag about character right there. Then she shows back up into Robbie’s life as though nothing ever happened, spouting empty apologies. That’s strike two.

When she first bails, she says she could never be with a guy “living in (his) sister’s basement with five kids while (he’s) off every weekend doing wedding gigs at a whoppin’ sixty bucks a pop?” Adam Sandler was completely right. That could have been brought to his attention yesterday. Before the wedding.

Brooks may join the cast of the Knocked Up spin-off, playing Paul Rudd‘s dad. He’s currently in negotiations for the part, which I assume includes a lot of sad puppy dog faces from the Brooks camp. Apatow has a reputation for insular casting, but today the floodgates are open. Earlier, we found out Megan Fox is also in negotiations for a role. Any celebrity who wants a job better call Apatow right now, while he’s generous. Does Gilbert Gottfried have Apatow’s number?

The film doesn’t have a title, but it does have a release date of June 1st, 2012. (FirstShowing)

The project, which will probably feature 4 or 5 dudes sitting around a room making pop culture references, is a spin-off of 2007′s Knocked Up, and will be about Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann‘s characters from that film. The role that Fox would be playing is being kept a secret – I’m guessing it will either be a nuclear physicist, a lesbian double-amputee, or James Franco. (via The Hollywood Reporter)

“It’s spinning off right now, as we speak,” Apatow told me outside the fancy shmanz Vanity Fair Oscar party Sunday night.

“We’re in rehearsals,” Mann said, adding that her character and Rudd’s character will be seen at a different place in their marriage than in “Knocked Up.”

“We’re really happy now,” she said. “Pete and Debbie are really happy.”

It’s too early in the game to give up plot or additional casting info, but Apatow noted that some familiar faces will be appearing in the film. He also mentioned an actor he’d love to bring in to the fold.

“I’m going to hit on Colin Firth tonight and see if he can play the weird neighbor,” Apatow said. “I think he might do it.”

Seems like he’s only kidding around but I’d love to see Firth cast as the weird neighbor. We already know he can do the requisite stutter.

The as yet untitled project (Knocked Down? Cocked Up?) won’t hit theaters until June 1st, 2012, so for those of you who were hoping to watch it with your grandma, it’s not looking good. (Coming Soon)