Upton stars in the latest Carl’s Jr. ad. These ads have become an institution, featuring an impossibly hot celebrity eating the diarrhea-inducing sandwiches in the most softcore way possible. Like pin up girls getting down on some fast food.

Critics of these ads feel these advertisements are in extremely bad taste as they reduce women into nothing more than props bent and manipulated for male entertainment. Props that we can now compare to one another and evaluate. And such, here are the five hottest Carl’s Jr ads ranked in order of hottest to most tame.

Kate Upton

Kate Upton deserves an award. All the awards actually. With her new Carl’s Jr ad she lifts the series out of a dark place where it had previously run a ground. Wearing this tiny polka dot dress, she bites into a spicy Carl’s Jr sandwich at the drive-inn. The resulting place causes her to writhe around and strip in the car‘s backseat. Not in a “Hey, we better call 9-1-1″ kind of way, but in a “Hey, I should be using my camera phone right now,” kind of way.

My only question though is, why would this girl have to take herself out on a date?

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

6 out of 6 craned necks.

I never knew celebrities could be so shallow and materialistic.

Nipplegate

On February 1, 2004, America and the world saw Janet Jackson’s nipple just as Justin Timberlake sang, “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song.”

I’m not exactly sure who was outraged by the sight of a covered breast, but that “nip slip” did far more harm than good. It got people talking about Janet Jackson, but with no album to release, the attention was for naught. Meanwhile, the incident all but guaranteed us watered-down halftime shows featuring the likes of Bruce Springsteen, The Who, and Paul McCartney.

The nipple wasn’t worth it. No nipple is worth that.

Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire

Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire was a one-time special from Fox in which, over the span of a two-hour broadcast, an unattractive millionaire with the name of a Boogie Night character (Rick Rockwell), married a money-grubbing whore (Darva Conger). Shockingly, the marriage didn’t last after it was discovered that Rockwell didn’t disclose a restraining order for domestic abuse and Conger proved to be just as whorish as everyone expected, but with the added imposition of asking for people’s sympathy.

It was a show that left pretty much everyone feeling like idiots for both being involved in it and watching it.

Al Capone’s Vault

Geraldo Rivera, a man known for just being an all-around ass, helped nurture that reputation in April of 1986 when, on his syndicated talk show, he promised to unlock the secrets of Al Capone’s vault on live television. The show was stretched a painful two hours, and audiences were lured in with the siren call of riches or dead bodies… because mobsters keep dead bodies in their safes.

30 million people tuned into the hype machine, but when the door was cracked open, nothing was found but dust and a few bottles. Geraldo claimed that one of the bottles was used to hold moonshine. Because Geraldo can ID the former contents of a 60 year old bottle just by looking at it.

The broadcast was a total debacle and Geraldo’s already shaky reputation remains shaky to this day.

In fact, there are few individuals more manufactured than the Kardashian brand, and they’re all fictional. Here they are.

RoboCop – RoboCop

Left for dead by a gang of malicious thugs, Officer Murphy was saved by the cybernetic technology that makes up his body. He’s like 90% robot (despite what the film’s tagline would have you believe), but still longs for the domestic life he was forced to give up. Take a page out of RoboCop‘s book, Kim. He’d kill to have his wife back and here you are queefing all over the sanctity of marriage.

Captain America – Captain America

Born an underweight weakling, Steve Rodgers submitted to a top secret super soldier program that transformed him into the star spangled avenger, Captain America. He must feel foolish after all of the testing and procedures. Turns out he could have raised his profile easily with a leaked sex tape.

Kim K will play a co-worker of the marriage counselor, which seems a little strange. Wouldn’t a marriage counselor’s co-worker just be another marriage counselor? Is a marriage counseling practice a big operation that requires a complicated staffing plan? I’m not going to worry about the details, because I know that Tyler Perry will take care of this and many other details in order to give to us the best film possible that stars a giant black guy as a grandma…or something.

Well played, Walk of Fame. Well played. Except that Whitney Houston already has a star on the world famous sidewalk. Why the change of heart? Granted, she received the star years before Bobby Brown went public with the story about the time he pulled a lodged doodoo bubble out of her booty, however who are you to judge? It used to be that anyone who was a public figure in their field for five years and willing to spend $30,000 was welcome to buy the honor. Is reality money not good enough for you? Besides Mob Wives money, of course.

Ana Martinez, vice president for media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, explains that “It’s just not on the radar for us right now.”

Martinez tells CNN that nominees need to meet the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce’s criteria: awards and honors in entertainment, philanthropic work, as well as longevity in the field and the willingness to agree to the ceremony and pay $30,000 for the star’s installation and upkeep on the street.

Okay. Then let’s go down that checklist.

If the committee is true to their word, there are reality stars that actually fit the bill. Think of those mainstays that are always punching each other on The Real World/Road Rules Challenges. They’ve been at that for a decade at least. I’d consider that show’s $160,000 prize and Kia Sorrentos that they give away to count as both an award AND an honor. As far as philanthropic work goes, porn counts. That just leaves the matter of the $30,000 fee. Dunbar, are you good for it?

Okay. Perhaps the Douchebag Olympians aren’t the best example. Let’s move on to Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Both have been mainstays in the reality spotlight for a good deal of time. They’ve appeared on The Simple Life as far back as 2003. The $30,000 fee shouldn’t be a problem either. They reportedly make $50K per tweet. Then there’s the philanthropic work. Once again, porn counts. Other than that, they’ve both funded AIDS research. As far as awards go, I’ll have you know that Hilton has three Razzies and one Teen Choice whereas Kardashian also has a Teen Choice award (she came close to winning a Razzie for her performance in Disaster Movie but was edged out by Hilton’s performance in Hottie and the Nottie).

Sounds to me like we have two successful young ladies who have proven themselves against all categories. And YOU KNOW they love a good ceremony. Now, if you don’t mind, give them their dumb stars already.

Sara Kosar

The aforementioned Sara Kosar, daughter of former NFL quarterback Bernie Kosar, is just the latest celebrity daughter to allegedly get into porn (when she’s not working as an aerobics instructor). And it’s evidently not the kind of porn it’s OK to look at while you’re at work. But Lexxi Silver isn’t the first celebrity’s daughter who’s looked to America’s Largest Industry to make some extra cash.

Montana Fishburne

Montana Fishburne, daughter of actor Laurence Fishburne, is another celebrity daughter who recently began a career in porn. And unfortunately, it doesn’t look like Dad is any happier about this than you’d expect, since the actor has reportedly cut off all ties with his daughter. And porn isn’t the onl fringe business Montana has been involved in: In 2009 she was arrested for prostitution. Hey, maybe porn isn’t so bad after all.

Jayme Langford

Not all celebrity daughters in porn capitalize on their famous last names. Take Jayme Langford, whose identity as rock star Dave Navarro’s daughter is such a secret that it isn’t even mentioned on her Wikipedia page. This might be because unlike Montana Fishburne, Jayme Langford isn’t exactly a porn “star.” According to recent rumors, she’s currently addicted to crystal meth and living out of her car.

American Idol

The American Idol freight train first got going in 2002 and has become a runaway hit. It has slowed down in recent years but has made a comeback last season thanks to a massive personnel overhaul. Gone are original mainstays Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. The extravagant Steven Tyler and the beautiful Jennifer Lopez now call the shots alongside Randy Jackson.  This show has great laughs along the way as many self-proclaimed vocalists attempt to wow the judges but end up making a mockery of themselves on national television. The most enjoyable part of the season comes when only the crème de la crème remain. This is the time you and your girlfriend frantically text in your votes after each show to support your favorite performers and keep them in the mix. You’ll be surprised how fun it actually is.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashians lawn bowling at Caesar's Palace

As we touched on above, Keeping Up with the Kardashians follows the exploits (and cat fights) of the Kardashians including stepfather and former Olympian, Bruce Jenner, while also featuring a lot of Kim’s beautiful booty. Although the show follows the family doing the most of mundane chores, women love to tune in every week—we’ve already told you why men have stopped complaining.

The Bachelor

The bachelor toasting

For male viewers,  ABC ‘s The Bachelor really isn’t too difficult to watch. A single bachelor, good looking and successful, is made to choose among a pool of beautiful women, most of whom are are head over heels for him. Slowly, the guy eliminates the women he is not interested in until he is left with the one he feels is most right for him (usually the sexiest one in the group). Women hate the way the guy plays around with the feelings of the women in the group as he breaks hearts left and right. Most guys on the other hand, cheer him on. Especially as he makes out with just about all of them.

What Not to Wear

Clinton Kelly and Stacy London of What Not To Wear

Hosted by the lovely Stacy London and the ever-so-funny fashion consultant Clinton Kelly, the show features participants nominated by their closest friends and family because of their utter disdain for style. The duo teaches these unfashionable individuals how to properly mix and match clothing and in-show hair and makeup stylists then give them a serious makeover. The result is usually a shocker as the previously bland looking participants end up looking like fashion models. Making normal women look hot? How can that be a bad thing to be subjected to?

Cheaters

Joey Greco confronting a cheater

The wild and woolly syndicated show, Cheaters follows host Joey Greco, as he takes on cases of suspected infidelity. The host uses private detectives who stake out the partner in question and set up surveillance cameras to help catch them in the act. When they have sufficient evidence, the tapes are presented to the complainant who then confronts the cheating partner. The production even has a brazen camera crew that gets into the middle of whatever melee erupts. Watching the show is often used as a preemptive measure by your wife or girlfriend to make sure that you are on the up and up because if you’re not, Joey Greco is just a phone call away. If you yourself have nothing to hide, watching the confrontations is always a barrel of laughs.

As much as I hate the idea of Kim Kardashian being involved with anything ever, this choice seems to be somewhat appropriate. I have never seen, met, or even heard of Kim Gotti before this news, but I’m willing to bet she acts exactly like Kim Kardashian does in real life, thus precluding the need for Kim K. to act at all. Plus, the character’s name is Kim, so Kardashian won’t get confused when taking directions; she can just respond to her name in the dialogue, much like she does when she’s not acting. Perfect.

Since no other cast has been announced or rumored, I will curl up with the thought of Travolta’s John Sr. and Kardashian’s Kim in a tense scene.

John: Oh mah gahd, Kim! Sammy the Bull ratted me out!

Kim: (audible mouth breathing)

John: Kim?

Kim: (looks up quickly, gently caresses left breast like she has been taught)

Director: That’s good, I guess. Cut.

(TMZ)

Another year has come and gone, and yet we’ve accomplished nothing with our pathetic little lives. Then again, how can any mere mortals expect to grow while living in the shadow of Hollywood celebrities. Year after year, their amazing exploits cause me great joy. But at the same time, the fact that I will never know such fame and fortune brings great sadness.

How did these Hollywood types get to be so great? I’ll tell you how. Unlike me, who wanders through life like a moron, they set goals and they stick to them. And with New Year’s Eve only a day away, we thought we’d ask the stars about their resolutions for 2011. Surprisingly, despite our last-minute request and total lack of clout, they all agreed to participate. Enjoy.

Brett Ratner - In 2011, I’m finally going to get around to reading some X-Men comics. My assistant says the characters have some really interesting back stories.

Ben Affleck – This year, I’m expanding my horizons. No more movies set in Boston. I hear Worcester is nice.

Charlie Sheen - My resolution is to make 2011 the year Charlie Sheen goes back to doing comedy.

Mel Gibson – Make less phone calls, get more blow jobs. Also, work on the rose garden.

Jerry Seinfeld - I want to make $75 million dollars without doing much of anything. Oh wait, I did that in 2010. I’m such a lucky asshole.

Natalie Portman – My goal is to give birth to a child, thereby beginning my body’s slow but inevitable fall to Carrie Fisher level frumpy-ness.

Wesley Snipes – This year, I’m getting my taxes done early.

Ryan Reynolds – Hopefully I’ll luck out and meet a girl with a perfect set of tits.

Larry King – I’m finally going to have sex with my boyhood friend, Sandy Koufax, and then die.

Ryan Seacrest - Kill Dick Clark. Kill Oprah. Gain total control over the media. Suppress all gay rumors.

They do joyous with frowns. Feel free to deface it in Photoshop. Send your masterpiece to feedback@screenjunkies.com.

_{Len Lesser (Left) | Kim Kardashian (Right)}

Just when you thought Kim Kardashian couldn’t sink any lower, she goes on Facebook and harasses an 87-year-old man. And not just any 87-year old. We’re talking about Len Lesser, the guy who played Uncle Leo on "Seinfeld!"

Len Lesser called Burbank police last night after receiving a slew of calls from people who kept asking, "Are you Uncle Leo?"  The 87-year-old couldn’t take it anymore so cops came to his house.

While at Lesser’s home, an officer intercepted one of the calls and asked where the caller had found the number. As it turns out, someone posing as Kim Kardashian on Facebook posted the information, not the reality/porn star herself. However, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to throw Kardashain in jail until the whole thing gets sorted out, just in case.

In the meantime, Lesser should start answering his phone with "Vandelay Industries" in order to throw the callers off his trail. (TMZ)

Madame Tussauds revealed the fake Kim Kardashian to the fake Kim Kardashian. It’s extremely difficult to differentiate between the two. The one with a pulse has boobs that hang more naturally (even though they’re not natural). It would make more sense to spin both girls around and compare asses. If Madame Tussauds mastered Kim’s badunkadunk then I’d give my seal of approval. What do you guys think? Would you defile the wax one?

More pics of fake Kim and Kim after the jump…

(PopDynamite)

_{Let’s raid some tombs!}

Noted pornographer and reality television mainstay Kim Kardashian is in talks to star in a reboot of Tomb Raider, according to "Hollywood insiders." Of course, the term "Hollywood insider" is often applied to forty-year-old bloggers who still collect their dead mothers’ Social Security checks, so take it for what it’s worth.

If the rumors are true, the film will reportedly be shot in 3D and will be aimed at a "teen" audience, a brilliant move considering how much teens love giant bouncing breasts.

Kardashian would also play "something very different to Angelina’s Lara," which we can only assume means there will be even less talking and even more interracial-sex. (ShowbizSpy)

We all know Kim Kardashian, I just haven’t done a post of her yet so I thought I’d go ahead and do that. She’s famous for being famous, and having sex with a rapper.

A word from Kim: "I have a sex tape with a Black guy! That’s why I’m famous!"

See? Even SHE admits it. But damn if she can’t wear a shirt. Or not wear one. 

Check out more pics of Kim and her assets after the jump.

It was only a matter of time until this happened. Kim Kardashian has gone and sold another piece of her soul by starring in a Carl’s Jr. fast food exploitation advertisment, and I’m not complaining the tiniest bit. Give that grilled chicken walnut leafy thing all you got, Kim. Then think about what you’ve done in a nice warm bubble bath while you continue indulging. 

Damn, I just got dressing all over my desk. 

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Tonight on TV, Jesse "The Body" Ventura wrestles hypocrisy and Kim Kardashian does whatever it is she does.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA
Network: truTV
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Jesse "The Body" Ventura attempts to disprove the official 9/11 report. Elsewhere, British Bulldog maintains that the Royal Family murdered Princess Diana.

DWARF ADOPTION STORY
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: A dwarf couple tries to adopt a dwarf infant from Albania. It’s just like an average adoption story except this time the furniture is tiny.

REAL WORLD / ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE RUINS REUNION
Network: MTV
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Douchebag Olympians reflect upon their time spent in The Ruins. Then they call each other "bitch" a lot.

NIP/TUCK
Network: FX
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: The Nips (still figuring out a better name) are embroiled in an ethical dilemma when they are asked to remove fat from a death row inmate. Hey! That fat did the crime and now has to do the time.

CSI:NY
Network: CBS
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Kim Kardashian guest stars. Finally there’s an ass bigger than David Caruso in the CSI universe.

WHO’S ON LATE

LENO
Sigourney Weaver

LETTERMAN
Robert Downey Jr.; Martin Short; Kris Allen performs

CONAN
Wanda Sykes; James Cameron; Myq Kaplan

KIMMEL
Ty Pennington; chicken whisperer Joshua McCarthy; Norah Jones performs

FERGUSON
Bob Barker; Greta Van Susteren

FALLON
Sarah Jessica Parker; Deepak Chopra; Raekwon performs