Ace Merrill – Stand By Me

Kiefer Sutherland‘s town bully is one of the worst in film history. Considering that the town depicted in Stand By Me is filled with criminals and abusive alcoholics, you have to be pretty sinister to shake the kids. Sutherland’s Ace Merrill was the baddest of the bunch. But after a journey that included being attacked by a junkyard dog, nearly killed by a train, and covered in leeches, Sutherland seemed a lot less threatening. No matter how hard he tried, he’s just not as scary as a leech in the underpants.

Doc Scurlock – Young Guns

Doc Scurlock is the level-headed one in Billy the Kid’s group of Regulators. Known more for his calm intellect, he isn’t afraid to fire a gun when forced. After riding off into the sunset with the love of his life, he narrates the end of the story, revealing where the Regulators ended up in life. They all went off to new work opportunities, except for Billy who was killed by Pat Garrett.

However, Billy is still alive and well in Young Guns 2 when Doc dies in a blaze of glory. Are we to believe he is a ghost narrator? A cowboy ghost narrator nonetheless?

Well, Kiefer got his, too. Like Party Down, the film will be a direct continuation of the series finale. Also like Party Down, very few people saw the series finale, so maybe they’ll give us one of those “Previously…on 24” montages that lasts for 43 minutes, showing the audience so many double agents, betrayals, and “dammits” that their eyes will begin to bleed.

Kiefer is touting an April filming date, despite the fact that the project hasn’t announced a director, nor has a script been approved by Fox. Mere details, I’m sure.

The film will once again follow Jack Bauer around during one of his trademark cuh-razy days, but with a run time of around 90 minutes, rather than the 18 hours. They might want to rethink that, though. Theater owners could make a killing off concessions should they make the movie 18 hours long.

India‘s recent bouts with terrorism have been more frequent than the United States, so tacklin 24 is a pretty topical move on their part. The man behind the push is 20th Century Fox‘s head of international television, Marion Edwards, who is not only working on getting 24 to India, but also Malcolm in the Middle, The Wonder Years, and Modern Family. I guess he passed on Hill Street Blues and The Hogan Family.

24: India (as it is being called internally) will be hitting Indian airwaves in 2012, after Kapoor finishes shooting Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

The following three scenarios are so common in films and so wildly uncommon in the real world that it merits mentioning and criticism. Since they won’t adapt to the way things are done, it’s probably a lot easier if everyone just starts adopting their telephone behavior and equipment to those of film.

Don’t argue. Just do it.

Scenario 1:

Back At My Place, Making Out With Hot Executive I Met At The 2011 Businessmen’s Conference

The house phone rings, but being deep in the throes of passion, I let it go to voicemail. But my “voicemail” is actually a 1988-style answering machine that plays all incoming messages aloud, so while I’m rounding second base, a message from my ex-girlfriend plays, notifying both me and my new ladyfriend that my ex has tested positive for…crabs, and I should get to the crab doctor as soon as possible. The hot female executive leaves, and it’s never been clearer that I just can’t win.

The whole answering machine-as-an-expository-device is ridiculous. Nobody has owned an answering machine in 15 years, and the ones that play messages out loud haven’t existed in probably 20. I understand it’s a convenient way to let the cat out of the bag, but having a party read someone else’s text messages or email is way more believable.

Few anachronisms end suspension of disbelief likes this one does. It would be like if the next The Fast and the Furious movie featured only racing with horses and buggies. Wait. It wouldn’t be like that at all, because that would be awesome and inspired, and the presence of answering machines in contemporary films is lazy and cheap.

“That’s been the most difficult thing. You have to remember that we have 24 hours to explain the stories in 24 and so trying to condense that into a two-hour film version has been a real shift in gear for us. We were originally trying to make it too big and put too much into it – but once we relaxed, we found out how to tell that story. So yes we definitely do plan on making the film.”

This summer‘s flashback of 90′s nostalgia was fun and all, but like all good things, it must come to an end. Bring on nostalgia for the aughts! (The Telegraph)

So, with filming to begin in November, the hunt is on for a new mean slave-trainer. I don’t know why, but Donald Sutherland really jumps out at me for this role. So, QT, if you’re reading this (and I’m absolutely positive you are), try Sutherland. Donald or Kiefer, actually. Or maybe a skinny John C. Reilly. There was a time when he did drama, you know.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It In 'Melancholia' Trailer

Even more than the last trailer, this one shows the movie’s gorgeous cinematography and allows you to see a little more of the celestial action in the movie, about a second planet (named “Melancholia“) crashing into our planet (named “Earth“). It also begins with the inspiring words “we are alone, there is only life on Earth.” A happy thought to kick off your long weekend with!

The news in question is that Gibson has joined up with a heist comedy directed by Brad Mirman entitled Sleight of Hand which is also set to star Kiefer Sutherland, Gerard Depardieu, Thomas Jane, and Jon Lovitz, all of whom I guess could jump off a bridge and Mel Gibson would too. Here’s the plot synopsis, which will make all of Mel Gibson’s loved ones feel sad:

“[A] crew of small time crooks in Paris, who end up possessing a rare gold coin belonging to a notorious French gangster. The leader of the crew calls his uncle (Depardieu), a retired criminal, to help them raise the money to repay the gangster. The series of mix-ups and double crosses culminate as the gangs are pit face to face, chasing through Paris.”

It’s not clear yet exactly what Gibson’s role in the movie will be, but it will undoubtedly feature the formerly nice young man being up to no good. (Variety)

Slight of Hand will be directed by Brad Mirman. (Variety)

Turns out, he was telling the truth!

Super-producer Brian Grazer confirmed via Twitter that the ‘24‘ movie will hit theaters in 2012. His next tweet confirmed that a bird had just accidentally impaled itself on his hair. He really should wear a red bandanna or something to prevent that from happening constantly.

Lars Von Trier‘s Antichrist follow-up, Melancholia, looks like it won’t leave you any less bummed out but it does seem like it won’t make theater-goers vomit. Which is usually a plus. The film stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg as sisters who rub one another the wrong way while a newly revealed planet barrels toward Earth on a collision course. Will this dysfunctional family collide with one another in the face of this threat? Or will they shatter to pieces?? This may be your last chance to tell Kiefer Sutherland how you really feel about him.

Kiefer has now started milking the Tony Scott-is-interested-in-directing rumors, having even appeared on “The View” this morning to say the film will be released in 2012, despite the fact that the only thing that seems to be in place right now is its star’s unbridled enthusiasm. I could see him getting interviewed by those chicks on “The View,” the replying offhand if they know anyone in development at Paramount, only to be met with blank stares and tilted heads.

“24” did well with the real-time angle for several seasons, but condensing a saga into two hours is something that Hollywood hasn’t had much success with. I would like to submit Nick of Time and Timecode as examples. Further, I can’t see any big name directors to eager to take on such a staid institution as “24.” The format is pretty much written in stone, so I’m not sure barking up the tree of big names will garner much success. In three months, expect Kiefer to be milling about the USC campus, handing out “Student Filmmakers Wanted!” fliers. (/Film)

In Tim Kring’s “Touch,” Sutherland plays the father of an autistic, mute boy who can see the future. Sounds like character leftovers from Kring’s “Heroes,” which definitely didn’t need any more characters that could see the future. All in all, Jack Bauer running around with a Minority Report pre-cog sounds like enjoyable television. I just hope it draws upon the strengths of”24” and “Heroes” and spends less time focused on dropped plot lines and mountain lion attacks. (Deadline)

In a recent interview, Kiefer Sutherland said that shooting on the 24 film would begin next December or January. Though the last pass on the script by writer Billy Ray (State of Play) has been rejected, now we learn a new script is being worked on — and worked over with electric shock treatment — according to Sutherland.

So why has the wait been torturously long? Sutherland explains:

It’s a very difficult thing to take something that you’ve done for eight years, almost 200 episodes, and try and find a story that’s going to be unique and yet service the history of the show as well… So we start shooting hopefully by next December or January.

So Jack Bauer may just make it to theaters after all. Unless the terrorists have their way, but as long as America is awesome, I guarantee you they will not. (/Film)

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

Kiefer Sutherland

This debate is really about choosing the lesser of two evils. When alcohol is involved you never know which way shit is going to fly, only that it’s going to fly. If I had to choose between the two men who are widely know to get shitfaced on a regular basis, I’d have to go with Kiefer Sutherland a.k.a. Jack Bauer.

First of all, Kiefer is Jack Bauer. Do you know how much respect that gets him at pubs? All beverages consumed that night would be free. And I don’t mean Kiefer would pay for them, I mean barkeeps would hand over full bottles of top shelf liquor to the man who can fight terrorists for 24 hours straight without stopping to taking a crap. Have you ever seen him crap on that show? No, because Kiefer doesn’t let anything go to waste. He runs at 100% efficiency. I’m surprised the guy even gets drunk. You’d think his body would punch the alcohol content of tequila in the face. You’re not getting THIS guy wasted, Jose. He’s got a country to save.

If trouble is going to find me when I’m drinking, I want Kiefer there to protect my ass. He seems like a loyal pit bull. He’ll start shit with anyone who starts shit with his friends. And he’ll immediately take it up to level 10. That would ward off any of the smart-ass college punks with liquid courage who want to hassle the movie star. Kiefer will knock their teeth into their colon and then bang their sophomore girlfriend on the care package their mommy sent you. I’ll be there watching, nibbling on the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I managed to shimmy out from under her ass.

Got a problem with trees? Kiefer has you covered:

He won’t allow trees or shrubbery of any kind to ruin your night out. Anyone can trash a hotel room with a porn star. It takes a real man to tackle a tree, especially under the guise of a pirate. With Kiefer, it’s all about having a good time. Some of those good times lead to arrests and convictions, but the police report should state that the night started with good intentions.

As far as I know, Kiefer doesn’t do a lot of blow. And if he does I’m going to ignore that info because it’s damaging to my case. It’s the booze mixed with the booger sugar that sends Sheen into a naked, screaming tailspin. Nope, Kiefer sticks with firewater, so if the authorities do pick us up no one’s going to be hiding anyone else’s powdered felony. We’ll spend the night in the tank and then Kiefer’s business manager will bail us out. He’ll pull some strings, and while we’ll end up in a TMZ promo, we won’t end up in court.

Finally, there’s a good chance that by 3AM we could find ourselves taking a dump on Julie Roberts’s porch. Kiefer still hasn’t gotten over their broken engagement. And if we’ve been drinking SoCo, the gardener is going to have a helluva time in the morning.

Charlie Sheen

I’m not going to lie; drinking with either Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland would be awesome. Hell, drinking with anyone would be awesome. I’m literally alone at a bar right now.

But the fact of the matter is this: drinking with either of those dudes is suicide. As much as I like to hit the bottle, those two are light years beyond me. And since any attempt to keep up with them would surely end in my own demise, I have to take that into consideration.

So with that in mind, the clear winner in this debate is Charlie Sheen. Why? Because while drinking with Kiefer would be ridiculously awesome, Charlie Sheen brings an unlimited supply of hot-female ass to the table. And if I’m going to die, that’s how I want to go out. To quote Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “pointing.”

Charlie Sheen is a world renowned womanizer. He married Denise Richards well before it was “complicated.” You know, back when she was introducing lesbian scenes to mainstream films. And well before that, he was a known client of the notorious Hollywood Madame, Heidi Fleiss. The dude loves whores, and you better believe that a night of drinking with Charlie will end up with a boat load of them. There’s a quote attributed Sheen in regard to escorts. Supposedly, when asked by a judge why he has to pay a woman for sex, Charlie responded, “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave.” The quote is from the internet, so it must be true.

Of course, maybe there would be no need for whores. After all, Charlie is known for hanging out at the Playboy Mansion. And last weekend, when Charlie went MIA, he was reportedly partying in Vegas with a bunch of porn stars who were in town for the AVN awards. For those of you who still have souls, the AVN awards are basically the Oscars of porn. Google the name Bree Olson (the girl Charlie was partying with) and tell me you wouldn’t want to go drinking with this guy.

And then there’s the matter of Kiefer. While I totally admit that drinking with Jack Bauer would be cool as hell, Sutherland is a wildcard. It might be a great time, where you both end up getting blitzed and fighting Christmas trees. Or maybe it’d turn ugly, and you’d end up in a knife fight with some Cholos in Korea Town. Why are the Cholos in Korea Town? Like I said, Kiefer’s a wild card, so you never know what you’re going to get. I’m not trying to say Kiefer couldn’t easily bring a bunch of pussy to the table. But I could just as easily see him getting bored with girls and deciding it was time to sneak into the zoo and fight a polar bear.

My point is, Charlie Sheen is a one-way ticket to titties, where as Kiefer, while fun, is completely unpredictable. When it comes to guaranteed pussy vs. possible decapitation, I’ll take the pussy any day of the week.

^{Kiefer getting angsty at the Sears Portrait Studio.}

Today news broke that made the 2003 Me high-five the air and request a "what-what." Keifer Sutherland is closer to bringing his penchant for sh*tty days to the multiplex. Sutherland has reportedly convinced Fox to hire screenwriter Billy Ray (State of Play, Moon, the upcoming Source Code) to adapt 24 for theater audiences.

Much like Agent Cody Banks, the Griswolds, and Deuce Bigalow before him, this adventure will take Jack to Europe. That’s great news!! If Die Hard and Rocky IV have taught me anything it is that European villians are waayyyy harder to kill, so this could be a fun, over the top movie. Pens in the eye for everyone!!!

The show’s kinda sucking in the ratings right now and the current season is expected to be the last. So we’ll have to wait and see if Jack Bauer has to save the Louvre from being blow’d up. (Variety)

The death of David Carradine grows more and more bizarre by the day. At first it was believed that the actor had committed suicide. Later it was ruled as an accidental death due to a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. Now, the family’s lawyer is claiming that Carradine was killed by ninjas because the Kung Fu star was trying to uncover the shadowy doings of the secret society.

Wait. This is almost exactly like the plot of Mortal Kombat. Robert Carradine, Shao Kahn has challenged you to a duel. [Source=WWTDD]

Here are some other morning headlines…

Plans for Liam Neeson to join A-Team movie are coming together. (Variety)

Best Week Ever is having the worst week ever. (NY Mag)

Starbuck pushes Jack Bauer’s buttons. (/Film)

Wes Craven talks Scream 4. (Digital Spy)

Thor casting news real unfortunately. (First Showing)

Peter Jackson to attend Comic-Con, blend into crowd instantly. (Cinematical)

Harold Ramis not certain Ivan Reitman will direct Ghostbusters 3. (Cinema Blend)