Screen Junkies » Kiefer Sutherland http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 03 Oct 2014 21:50:25 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Ten Actors Who Followed in Their Famous Parents’ Footsteps: The Good, The Bad & The Wackness http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/ten-actors-who-followed-in-their-famous-parents-footsteps-the-good-the-bad-the-wackness/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/ten-actors-who-followed-in-their-famous-parents-footsteps-the-good-the-bad-the-wackness/#comments Mon, 08 Sep 2014 19:16:20 +0000 DustinSeibert http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=264719 Nepotism has lead to Hollywood careers for many children of acting royalty. But how do they stack up?

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Ask nearly the entire damn cast of HBO’s Girls: There’s no nepotism quite like Hollywood nepotism. It’s why we see too many weak-sauce children of respected Hollywood celebs fumble and bumble their way through careers in attempts to grab the respect of their established parents.

Sometimes it works; in rare cases, the scion is even better at it than the parent. All too often though, Hollywood heirs are the equivalent of that pain-in-the-ass 21 year old who’s running the produce section of his dad’s grocery store into the ground just because he can. Here are 10 descendants of actors who have their own acting careers — with very mixed results.

1. Eva Amurri

Parent: Susan Sarandon

The smokin’ hot daughter of one of Hollywood’s most beloved actresses hasn’t done a whole lot in her adult acting career that doesn’t involve, well, being snokin’ hot. My personal favorite role of Amurri’s — for completely legitimate reasons not involving her naked tatters is the stripper student vying for Hank Moody’s affections in season 3 of Showtime’s Californication. Her Wikipedia filmography has her credited in a couple dozen projects; if you can name more than three of them without looking, I’d be surprised. Verdict: Pretty wack, all things considered

2. Colin Hanks

Parent: Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks’ oldest son, who Tom had in his very early 20s, has earned decent indie cred starting with 2002′s Orange County. But he’s never managed to nab any other leading roles like his old man; perhaps his most noteworthy role was as the season 6 big baddie in the by-then-declining Showtime show Dexter, though he also handled himself well earlier this year as a meek police officer trying to take down Billy Bob Thornton in FX’s Fargo. There’s nothing outwardly offensive or untalented about Colin, but he’ll always be the Michael Jordan Jr. to his dad. Verdict: Not too shabby

3. Jamie Lee Curtis

Parent: Janet Leigh

I’ll try not to write with too much bias, considering Curtis was one of my earliest film crushes and is the protagonist in my favorite horror film of all time (1978′s Halloween). Objectively speaking, however, Curtis is a very average actress at first following in the Scream Queen footsteps of her Psycho alumna mother before branching off into beloved ’80s fare, including 1983′s Trading Places (her first topless scene) and 1988′s A Fish Called Wanda, which earned her her first Golden Globe nomination (she brought the award home for 1994′s True Lies). All said, I’m sure Marion Crane would be proud of Laurie Strode. Verdict: Decent…and wouldja just LOOK AT THAT BOD?!?!?

4. Kate Hudson

Parent: Goldie Hawn

Kate Hudson had precisely one memorable film role: Penny Lane in Cameron Crowe‘s 2000 semi-autobiographical Almost Famous. Everything after that has been has been a clusterf*** of romantic comedies whose plots are all interchangeable and a few episodes of Glee. She’s not an insufferable actress to watch per se, but no one on Earth will ever say, “Wow, that Kate Hudson performance was truly memorable!” She’s known more these days for being in a bikini than being a meaningful actress. In other words, she’s a chip off the ol’ block. Verdict: Meh

5. Kiefer Sutherland

Parents: Donald Sutherland and Shirley Douglas

Ol’ Kiefer is easily one of the scariest actors of all time: When I was a child, he put the fear of Black Jesus in my heart as Ace Merrill in 1987′s Stand By Me and again in the following year’s horror fantasy classic The Lost Boys. He’s had a robust career over the past three decades, often playing the brooding bad guy or the brooding good guy or the brooding unseen narrator, that gravelly timbre getting under your skin. It wasn’t until 24 that he became synonymous with Jack Bauer and going whole days without taking a piss. Before 24, Kiefer was on the verge of becoming like Papa Donald: one of those old actors everyone knows but sorta forgets about until someone brings them up. Verdict: Bauerlicious 

Follow us to the next page for five actors who completely outshined their famous parents — although we can’t really explain why.

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Kiefer Sutherland’s 7 Most Famous Roles (Besides Jack Bauer) http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/kiefer-sutherlands-7-most-famous-roles-besides-jack-bauer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/kiefer-sutherlands-7-most-famous-roles-besides-jack-bauer/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:30:12 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=243366 You can't put the man in a box. Well, you can, but he'd just bust out and kill you.

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After 24 premiered, Kiefer Sutherland instantly became Jack Bauer. With Touch, he returns to the network that had him run around like a crazy person, alternately trying to save and arrest the president. Should we expect more of the same? Seeing as it’s an action thriller, there will definitely be some running and yelling, but here we’ll see another side to Kiefer. He’s proven himself to be versatile as a performer over the years, whether he’s playing the victim or the tormentor. Here are his seven most noteworthy roles.

Ace Merrill – Stand By Me

Kiefer Sutherland‘s town bully is one of the worst in film history. Considering that the town depicted in Stand By Me is filled with criminals and abusive alcoholics, you have to be pretty sinister to shake the kids. Sutherland’s Ace Merrill was the baddest of the bunch. But after a journey that included being attacked by a junkyard dog, nearly killed by a train, and covered in leeches, Sutherland seemed a lot less threatening. No matter how hard he tried, he’s just not as scary as a leech in the underpants.

Doc Scurlock – Young Guns

Doc Scurlock is the level-headed one in Billy the Kid’s group of Regulators. Known more for his calm intellect, he isn’t afraid to fire a gun when forced. After riding off into the sunset with the love of his life, he narrates the end of the story, revealing where the Regulators ended up in life. They all went off to new work opportunities, except for Billy who was killed by Pat Garrett.

However, Billy is still alive and well in Young Guns 2 when Doc dies in a blaze of glory. Are we to believe he is a ghost narrator? A cowboy ghost narrator nonetheless?

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Dammit, Chloe: Kiefer Sutherland’s Finally Got That ’24′ Movie http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/dammit-chloe-kiefer-sutherlands-finally-got-that-24-movie/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/dammit-chloe-kiefer-sutherlands-finally-got-that-24-movie/#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:05:14 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=241922 There should only be time for 35-50 double agents in this abridged version.

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Yesterday, Kiefer Sutherland caught wind that Party Down is getting that movie adaptation everyone wants. He then looked to the sky and screamed, “What about that 24 movie that only I want?”

Well, Kiefer got his, too. Like Party Down, the film will be a direct continuation of the series finale. Also like Party Down, very few people saw the series finale, so maybe they’ll give us one of those “Previously…on 24” montages that lasts for 43 minutes, showing the audience so many double agents, betrayals, and “dammits” that their eyes will begin to bleed.

Kiefer is touting an April filming date, despite the fact that the project hasn’t announced a director, nor has a script been approved by Fox. Mere details, I’m sure.

The film will once again follow Jack Bauer around during one of his trademark cuh-razy days, but with a run time of around 90 minutes, rather than the 18 hours. They might want to rethink that, though. Theater owners could make a killing off concessions should they make the movie 18 hours long.

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‘Slumdog Millionaire’ Star Goes From Playing ’24′ Character To Indian Jack Bauer http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/slumdog-millionaire-star-goes-from-playing-24-character-to-indian-jack-bauer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/slumdog-millionaire-star-goes-from-playing-24-character-to-indian-jack-bauer/#comments Wed, 09 Nov 2011 18:18:08 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=235693 How do you say, "Dammit, Chloe!" in Standard Hindi?

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Might as well keep it in the family. Slumdog Millionaire’s Anil Kapoor, who played Kamistani (don’t look it up; it’s fictional) President Omar Hassan, will be returning to the 24 universe, this time as the Indian equivalent of good guy Jack Bauer.

India‘s recent bouts with terrorism have been more frequent than the United States, so tacklin 24 is a pretty topical move on their part. The man behind the push is 20th Century Fox‘s head of international television, Marion Edwards, who is not only working on getting 24 to India, but also Malcolm in the Middle, The Wonder Years, and Modern Family. I guess he passed on Hill Street Blues and The Hogan Family.

24: India (as it is being called internally) will be hitting Indian airwaves in 2012, after Kapoor finishes shooting Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

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If Phone Calls In The Real World Were Like Phone Calls In The Movies http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/if-phones-worked-in-the-real-world-like-they-did-in-the-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/if-phones-worked-in-the-real-world-like-they-did-in-the-movies/#comments Wed, 12 Oct 2011 23:25:30 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=232175 A recent survey shows that 96% of phone calls placed today are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

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Hollywood gets a lot of things right, but telephone etiquette and technology is not one of them. While anachronistic details for the sake of story are common in bad movies, even big-budget, competent films seem to disregard the current state of cell phone technology and manners in order to further their cause, regardless of what we know would or wouldn’t be the case in real world call.

The following three scenarios are so common in films and so wildly uncommon in the real world that it merits mentioning and criticism. Since they won’t adapt to the way things are done, it’s probably a lot easier if everyone just starts adopting their telephone behavior and equipment to those of film.

Don’t argue. Just do it.

Scenario 1:

Back At My Place, Making Out With Hot Executive I Met At The 2011 Businessmen’s Conference

The house phone rings, but being deep in the throes of passion, I let it go to voicemail. But my “voicemail” is actually a 1988-style answering machine that plays all incoming messages aloud, so while I’m rounding second base, a message from my ex-girlfriend plays, notifying both me and my new ladyfriend that my ex has tested positive for…crabs, and I should get to the crab doctor as soon as possible. The hot female executive leaves, and it’s never been clearer that I just can’t win.

The whole answering machine-as-an-expository-device is ridiculous. Nobody has owned an answering machine in 15 years, and the ones that play messages out loud haven’t existed in probably 20. I understand it’s a convenient way to let the cat out of the bag, but having a party read someone else’s text messages or email is way more believable.

Few anachronisms end suspension of disbelief likes this one does. It would be like if the next The Fast and the Furious movie featured only racing with horses and buggies. Wait. It wouldn’t be like that at all, because that would be awesome and inspired, and the presence of answering machines in contemporary films is lazy and cheap.

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Kiefer Sutherlands Swears ’24: The Movie’ Is Still Happening http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherlands-swears-24-the-movie-is-still-happening/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherlands-swears-24-the-movie-is-still-happening/#comments Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:14:51 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=230919 Anybody interested in a '24'/'Arrested Development' back-to-back screening?

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Your former Fox television show now becoming a movie cup runneth over. This morning at 7:30am PST, Kiefer Sutherland emerged from his house and told the long-waiting news crews that 24: The Movie is still happening. The only hold up has been that the writers were having trouble not making the fil 24 hours long. However, Kiefer says they are close:

“That’s been the most difficult thing. You have to remember that we have 24 hours to explain the stories in 24 and so trying to condense that into a two-hour film version has been a real shift in gear for us. We were originally trying to make it too big and put too much into it – but once we relaxed, we found out how to tell that story. So yes we definitely do plan on making the film.”

This summer‘s flashback of 90′s nostalgia was fun and all, but like all good things, it must come to an end. Bring on nostalgia for the aughts! (The Telegraph)

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Kevin Costner Is No Longer The Slavemaster In Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kevin-costner-is-no-longer-the-slavemaster-in-tarantinos-django-unchained/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kevin-costner-is-no-longer-the-slavemaster-in-tarantinos-django-unchained/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:07:56 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=228775 He may have walked away due to his commitment to a History Channel mini-series. Someone slap his agent.

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In news that is both unfortunate and perplexing, Kevin Costner has passed on the Django Unchained role due to scheduling conflicts. THis is unfortunate because a) he seemed to be an inspired choice for the role and would have taken it in an interesting direction, and b) because it could have given his career a renaissance a la Travolta in Pulp Fiction. It’s perplexing because he’s been attached to the role for about two months, so it seems a little late in the game to cite scheduling conflicts.

So, with filming to begin in November, the hunt is on for a new mean slave-trainer. I don’t know why, but Donald Sutherland really jumps out at me for this role. So, QT, if you’re reading this (and I’m absolutely positive you are), try Sutherland. Donald or Kiefer, actually. Or maybe a skinny John C. Reilly. There was a time when he did drama, you know.

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New ‘Melancholia’ Trailer Will Fill You With, Uh…? http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/new-melancholia-trailer-will-fill-you-with-uh/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/new-melancholia-trailer-will-fill-you-with-uh/#comments Sat, 03 Sep 2011 19:51:59 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=227076 What's another word for 'depression'?

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It's The End Of The World As We Know It In 'Melancholia' Trailer

Lars Von Trier is famous for making movies that are impeccably shot, memorably acted, and depressing as hell. And so it appears to be in this new trailer for Melancholia, his new disaster/depression movie starring Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Stellan Skarsgård, Udo Kier, and others.

Even more than the last trailer, this one shows the movie’s gorgeous cinematography and allows you to see a little more of the celestial action in the movie, about a second planet (named “Melancholia“) crashing into our planet (named “Earth“). It also begins with the inspiring words “we are alone, there is only life on Earth.” A happy thought to kick off your long weekend with!

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Mel Gibson Getting Involved In A Gang http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mel-gibson-getting-involved-in-a-gang/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/mel-gibson-getting-involved-in-a-gang/#comments Wed, 18 May 2011 16:12:21 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=212625 It might be time for an intervention.

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Mel Gibson‘s parents must really be worried about him. Between the drinking, the anti-Semitic slurs, that beaver puppet, and this latest news, it might be time for some kind of dramati intervention.

The news in question is that Gibson has joined up with a heist comedy directed by Brad Mirman entitled Sleight of Hand which is also set to star Kiefer Sutherland, Gerard Depardieu, Thomas Jane, and Jon Lovitz, all of whom I guess could jump off a bridge and Mel Gibson would too. Here’s the plot synopsis, which will make all of Mel Gibson’s loved ones feel sad:

“[A] crew of small time crooks in Paris, who end up possessing a rare gold coin belonging to a notorious French gangster. The leader of the crew calls his uncle (Depardieu), a retired criminal, to help them raise the money to repay the gangster. The series of mix-ups and double crosses culminate as the gangs are pit face to face, chasing through Paris.”

It’s not clear yet exactly what Gibson’s role in the movie will be, but it will undoubtedly feature the formerly nice young man being up to no good. (Variety)

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Kiefer Sutherland Forgets ’24′ For A Minute To Star In ‘Slight Of Hand’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherland-forgets-24-for-a-minute-to-star-in-slight-of-hand/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherland-forgets-24-for-a-minute-to-star-in-slight-of-hand/#comments Wed, 11 May 2011 00:25:13 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=211432 Sutherland will star in 'Slight of Hand', about a gang of bush-league criminals in Paris who get ahold of a rare gold coin. Don't put that in the Coke machine-- damn it, too late.

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It seems like Gerard Depardieu, Thomas Jane, Til Schweiger, and Jon Lovitz, who I assume will play the much-feared, villainous French gangster. He’ll do it with a little thing called… acting.

Slight of Hand will be directed by Brad Mirman. (Variety)

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Brian Grazer Confirms That Kiefer Sutherland Wasn’t Fibbing About The ’24′ Movie http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/brian-grazer-confirms-that-kiefer-sutherland-wasnt-fibbing-about-the-24-movie/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/brian-grazer-confirms-that-kiefer-sutherland-wasnt-fibbing-about-the-24-movie/#comments Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:22:02 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=206638 No word on what the running time will be.

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Kiefer Sutherland has been talking about a 24‘ movie for awhile now despite the show’s low ratings toward the end and no official confirmation from a studio or producer. So, I assumed he was fibbing and responded by saying, “Whatever…,” and then I secretly mimed like I had had too much to drink and there were dizzy bubbles floating around my head.

Turns out, he was telling the truth!

Super-producer Brian Grazer confirmed via Twitter that the ‘24‘ movie will hit theaters in 2012. His next tweet confirmed that a bird had just accidentally impaled itself on his hair. He really should wear a red bandanna or something to prevent that from happening constantly. :(

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It In ‘Melancholia’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-in-melancholia-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-in-melancholia-trailer/#comments Fri, 08 Apr 2011 12:27:51 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=Video&p=206102 This may be your last chance to tell Kiefer Sutherland how you really feel about him.

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The good news is that Kirsten Dunst is about to be hit by another planet. The bad news is that so are we. Fair trade though, right?

Lars Von Trier‘s Antichrist follow-up, Melancholia, looks like it won’t leave you any less bummed out but it does seem like it won’t make theater-goers vomit. Which is usually a plus. The film stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg as sisters who rub one another the wrong way while a newly revealed planet barrels toward Earth on a collision course. Will this dysfunctional family collide with one another in the face of this threat? Or will they shatter to pieces?? This may be your last chance to tell Kiefer Sutherland how you really feel about him.

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Like Sands Through The Hourglass, Such Is The ’24′ Movie http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/like-sands-through-the-hourglass-such-is-the-24-movie/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/like-sands-through-the-hourglass-such-is-the-24-movie/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 20:39:21 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=202807 In three months, expect Kiefer to be milling about the USC campus, handing out "Student Filmmakers Wanted!" fliers.

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I high school or college, did you ever show up at a lame party but tell all your friends that you were at a great party and that everyone was there in order get everyone there and create a great party? Well, substitute “you” with “Kiefer Sutherland” and “party” with “film adaptation of ‘24,’” and you’ve got a very similar set of circumstances.

Kiefer has now started milking the Tony Scott-is-interested-in-directing rumors, having even appeared on “The View” this morning to say the film will be released in 2012, despite the fact that the only thing that seems to be in place right now is its star’s unbridled enthusiasm. I could see him getting interviewed by those chicks on “The View,” the replying offhand if they know anyone in development at Paramount, only to be met with blank stares and tilted heads.

24” did well with the real-time angle for several seasons, but condensing a saga into two hours is something that Hollywood hasn’t had much success with. I would like to submit Nick of Time and Timecode as examples. Further, I can’t see any big name directors to eager to take on such a staid institution as “24.” The format is pretty much written in stone, so I’m not sure barking up the tree of big names will garner much success. In three months, expect Kiefer to be milling about the USC campus, handing out “Student Filmmakers Wanted!” fliers. (/Film)

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Kiefer Sutherland Teams With ‘Heroes’ Creator For A Show That Already Doesn’t Make Any Sense http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/kiefer-sutherland-teams-with-heroes-creator-for-something-hopefully-not-awful/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/kiefer-sutherland-teams-with-heroes-creator-for-something-hopefully-not-awful/#comments Fri, 18 Feb 2011 13:29:49 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=28110 If you see anyone singing in the streets today, they are probably fans of watching Kiefer Sutherland run around and try to prevent bad things from happening. He's signed on for a new Fox drama where he'll do exactly that.

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If you see anyone singing in the streets today, they are probably fans of watching Kiefer Sutherland run around and try to prevent bad things from happening. He’s signed on for a new Fox drama where he’ll do exactly that.

In Tim Kring’s “Touch,” Sutherland plays the father of an autistic, mute boy who can see the future. Sounds like character leftovers from Kring’s “Heroes,” which definitely didn’t need any more characters that could see the future. All in all, Jack Bauer running around with a Minority Report pre-cog sounds like enjoyable television. I just hope it draws upon the strengths of”24” and “Heroes” and spends less time focused on dropped plot lines and mountain lion attacks. (Deadline)

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Lars Von Trier Has ‘Melancholia’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/lars-von-trier-has-melancholia/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/lars-von-trier-has-melancholia/#comments Sun, 13 Feb 2011 18:34:38 +0000 Joseph Gibson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=26629 Lars Von Trier now has a way to bring his latest depressive episode to you.

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Director Lars Von Trier in the master of making bleak, depressing movies that make you question the value of his art as entertainment. So it follows that his movies would be hot properties at any movie studio. And now, one of those studios, Magnolia, has picked up Von Trier’s latest film, entitled Melancholia. The movie is about the end of the world, with a flashback structure showing how it happened after an opening depicting the actual end. Bad marketing, Von Trier — everyone knows you put the Apocalypse at the END of the movie, so the rubes will stay until the end to see it. This way you’re shooting your bloody load right at the beginning. I like you, Lars, but you need to learn how to give the people what they want, like you did with Dogville. The movie stars Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Stellan Skarsgård and Udo Kier. (via The Playlist)

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Kiefer Sutherland Will Make ’24′ Movie By Any Means Necessary http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherland-will-make-%e2%80%9924%e2%80%b2-movie-by-any-means-necessary/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/kiefer-sutherland-will-make-%e2%80%9924%e2%80%b2-movie-by-any-means-necessary/#comments Fri, 21 Jan 2011 04:57:33 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=21251 The movie version of Fox's retired hit drama '24' is not dead. It's just been sitting in a basement, tied to a chair, waiting for Jack Bauer to waterboard the sh*t out of it.

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Despite rumors, the movie version of Fox’s retired hit drama 24 is not dead. It’s just been sitting in a basement, tied to a chair, waiting for Jack Bauer to waterboard the shit out of it.

In a recent interview, Kiefer Sutherland said that shooting on the 24 film would begin next December or January. Though the last pass on the script by writer Billy Ray (State of Play) has been rejected, now we learn a new script is being worked on — and worked over with electric shock treatment — according to Sutherland.

So why has the wait been torturously long? Sutherland explains:

It’s a very difficult thing to take something that you’ve done for eight years, almost 200 episodes, and try and find a story that’s going to be unique and yet service the history of the show as well… So we start shooting hopefully by next December or January.

So Jack Bauer may just make it to theaters after all. Unless the terrorists have their way, but as long as America is awesome, I guarantee you they will not. (/Film)

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Better Drinking Buddy: Sheen or Sutherland? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-drinking-buddy-sheen-or-sutherland/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-drinking-buddy-sheen-or-sutherland/#comments Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:16:35 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=16983 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

Kiefer Sutherland

This debate is really about choosing the lesser of two evils. When alcohol is involved you never know which way shit is going to fly, only that it’s going to fly. If I had to choose between the two men who are widely know to get shitfaced on a regular basis, I’d have to go with Kiefer Sutherland a.k.a. Jack Bauer.

First of all, Kiefer is Jack Bauer. Do you know how much respect that gets him at pubs? All beverages consumed that night would be free. And I don’t mean Kiefer would pay for them, I mean barkeeps would hand over full bottles of top shelf liquor to the man who can fight terrorists for 24 hours straight without stopping to taking a crap. Have you ever seen him crap on that show? No, because Kiefer doesn’t let anything go to waste. He runs at 100% efficiency. I’m surprised the guy even gets drunk. You’d think his body would punch the alcohol content of tequila in the face. You’re not getting THIS guy wasted, Jose. He’s got a country to save.

If trouble is going to find me when I’m drinking, I want Kiefer there to protect my ass. He seems like a loyal pit bull. He’ll start shit with anyone who starts shit with his friends. And he’ll immediately take it up to level 10. That would ward off any of the smart-ass college punks with liquid courage who want to hassle the movie star. Kiefer will knock their teeth into their colon and then bang their sophomore girlfriend on the care package their mommy sent you. I’ll be there watching, nibbling on the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I managed to shimmy out from under her ass.

Got a problem with trees? Kiefer has you covered:

He won’t allow trees or shrubbery of any kind to ruin your night out. Anyone can trash a hotel room with a porn star. It takes a real man to tackle a tree, especially under the guise of a pirate. With Kiefer, it’s all about having a good time. Some of those good times lead to arrests and convictions, but the police report should state that the night started with good intentions.

As far as I know, Kiefer doesn’t do a lot of blow. And if he does I’m going to ignore that info because it’s damaging to my case. It’s the booze mixed with the booger sugar that sends Sheen into a naked, screaming tailspin. Nope, Kiefer sticks with firewater, so if the authorities do pick us up no one’s going to be hiding anyone else’s powdered felony. We’ll spend the night in the tank and then Kiefer’s business manager will bail us out. He’ll pull some strings, and while we’ll end up in a TMZ promo, we won’t end up in court.

Finally, there’s a good chance that by 3AM we could find ourselves taking a dump on Julie Roberts’s porch. Kiefer still hasn’t gotten over their broken engagement. And if we’ve been drinking SoCo, the gardener is going to have a helluva time in the morning.

Charlie Sheen

I’m not going to lie; drinking with either Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland would be awesome. Hell, drinking with anyone would be awesome. I’m literally alone at a bar right now.

But the fact of the matter is this: drinking with either of those dudes is suicide. As much as I like to hit the bottle, those two are light years beyond me. And since any attempt to keep up with them would surely end in my own demise, I have to take that into consideration.

So with that in mind, the clear winner in this debate is Charlie Sheen. Why? Because while drinking with Kiefer would be ridiculously awesome, Charlie Sheen brings an unlimited supply of hot-female ass to the table. And if I’m going to die, that’s how I want to go out. To quote Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “pointing.”

Charlie Sheen is a world renowned womanizer. He married Denise Richards well before it was “complicated.” You know, back when she was introducing lesbian scenes to mainstream films. And well before that, he was a known client of the notorious Hollywood Madame, Heidi Fleiss. The dude loves whores, and you better believe that a night of drinking with Charlie will end up with a boat load of them. There’s a quote attributed Sheen in regard to escorts. Supposedly, when asked by a judge why he has to pay a woman for sex, Charlie responded, “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave.” The quote is from the internet, so it must be true.

Of course, maybe there would be no need for whores. After all, Charlie is known for hanging out at the Playboy Mansion. And last weekend, when Charlie went MIA, he was reportedly partying in Vegas with a bunch of porn stars who were in town for the AVN awards. For those of you who still have souls, the AVN awards are basically the Oscars of porn. Google the name Bree Olson (the girl Charlie was partying with) and tell me you wouldn’t want to go drinking with this guy.

And then there’s the matter of Kiefer. While I totally admit that drinking with Jack Bauer would be cool as hell, Sutherland is a wildcard. It might be a great time, where you both end up getting blitzed and fighting Christmas trees. Or maybe it’d turn ugly, and you’d end up in a knife fight with some Cholos in Korea Town. Why are the Cholos in Korea Town? Like I said, Kiefer’s a wild card, so you never know what you’re going to get. I’m not trying to say Kiefer couldn’t easily bring a bunch of pussy to the table. But I could just as easily see him getting bored with girls and deciding it was time to sneak into the zoo and fight a polar bear.

My point is, Charlie Sheen is a one-way ticket to titties, where as Kiefer, while fun, is completely unpredictable. When it comes to guaranteed pussy vs. possible decapitation, I’ll take the pussy any day of the week.

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’24 The Movie: Jack Bauer Takes A Vacation…Or Does He?’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/24-the-movie-jack-bauer-takes-a-vacation-or-does-he/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/24-the-movie-jack-bauer-takes-a-vacation-or-does-he/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Kiefer getting angsty at the Sears Portrait Studio.Today news broke that made the 2003 Me high-five the air and request a "what-what." Keifer Sutherland is closer to bringing his penchant for sh*tty days to the multiplex. Sutherland has reportedly convinced Fox to hire screenwriter Billy Ray (State of Play, Moon, the upcoming Source Code) to adapt 24 for theater audiences.Much like Agent Cody Banks, the Griswolds, and Deuce Bigalow before him, this adventure will take Jack to Europe. That's great news!! If Die Hard and Rocky IV have taught me anything it is that European villians are waayyyy harder to kill, so this could be a fun, over the top movie. Pens in the eye for everyone!!!The show's kinda sucking in the ratings right now and the current season is expected to be the last. So we'll have to wait and see if Jack Bauer has to save the Louvre from being blow'd up. (Variety)

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Kiefer getting angsty at the Sears Portrait Studio.

Today news broke that made the 2003 Me high-five the air and request a "what-what." Keifer Sutherland is closer to bringing his penchant for sh*tty days to the multiplex. Sutherland has reportedly convinced Fox to hire screenwriter Billy Ray (State of Play, Moon, the upcoming Source Code) to adapt 24 for theater audiences.

Much like Agent Cody Banks, the Griswolds, and Deuce Bigalow before him, this adventure will take Jack to Europe. That’s great news!! If Die Hard and Rocky IV have taught me anything it is that European villians are waayyyy harder to kill, so this could be a fun, over the top movie. Pens in the eye for everyone!!!

The show’s kinda sucking in the ratings right now and the current season is expected to be the last. So we’ll have to wait and see if Jack Bauer has to save the Louvre from being blow’d up. (Variety)

 

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CARRADINE MAY HAVE DIED AT THE HANDS OF NINJAS http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/carradine-may-have-died-at-the-hands-of-ninjas/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/carradine-may-have-died-at-the-hands-of-ninjas/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 The death of David Carradine grows more and more bizarre by the day. At first it was believed that the actor had committed suicide. Later it was ruled as an accidental death due to a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. Now, the family's lawyer is claiming that Carradine was killed by ninjas because the Kung Fu star was trying to uncover the shadowy doings of the secret society.Wait. This is almost exactly like the plot of Mortal Kombat. Robert Carradine, Shao Kahn has challenged you to a duel. [Source=WWTDD]Here are some other morning headlines...Plans for Liam Neeson to join A-Team movie are coming together. (Variety)Best Week Ever is having the worst week ever. (NY Mag)Starbuck pushes Jack Bauer's buttons. (/Film) Wes Craven talks Scream 4. (Digital Spy)Thor casting news real unfortunately. (First Showing) Peter Jackson to attend Comic-Con, blend into crowd instantly. (Cinematical)Harold Ramis not certain Ivan Reitman will direct Ghostbusters 3. (Cinema Blend)

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The death of David Carradine grows more and more bizarre by the day. At first it was believed that the actor had committed suicide. Later it was ruled as an accidental death due to a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. Now, the family’s lawyer is claiming that Carradine was killed by ninjas because the Kung Fu star was trying to uncover the shadowy doings of the secret society.

Wait. This is almost exactly like the plot of Mortal Kombat. Robert Carradine, Shao Kahn has challenged you to a duel. [Source=WWTDD]

Here are some other morning headlines…

Plans for Liam Neeson to join A-Team movie are coming together. (Variety)

Best Week Ever is having the worst week ever. (NY Mag)

Starbuck pushes Jack Bauer’s buttons. (/Film)

Wes Craven talks Scream 4. (Digital Spy)

Thor casting news real unfortunately. (First Showing)

Peter Jackson to attend Comic-Con, blend into crowd instantly. (Cinematical)

Harold Ramis not certain Ivan Reitman will direct Ghostbusters 3. (Cinema Blend)

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