Hey, it could be worse. They could have confirmed that Khloe is actually a Kardashian. That would have sucked. Or she could have had one of these nine celebrity fathers. At least with O.J., you won’t have to see him for a while. But here’s some free advice – if he asks you to go get some of his stuff back from some guys who stole it, don’t do it. It’s a bad idea.

Michael Lohan

I’m as surprised as you are that a sometimes-Jesus freak with anger and substance abuse issues doesn’t make for a great dad, but his daughter, Lindsay, has had some legal troubles in the past decade or so. Fortunately, all her problems got better when she posed topless for Playboy, but it was scary there for a minute.

Lohan has been to jail twice, once for insider trading, and once for driving drunk, but he had his own reality show, which more than makes up for the jail thing.

This Wikipedia excerpt pretty much sums up Michael Lohan as a person:

On October 25, 2011, Michael Lohan was arrested in a suspected domestic violence incident in Tampa, Florida, involving his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Kate Major. Lohan was released from custody on $5,000 bail and ordered to have no further contact with Major. Twelve hours later on October 27, 2011 he was again back in police custody, after contacting Major again by phone. Unbeknownst to Lohan, when he called Major a second time that evening, police were listening in on speaker phone. Police then went to Lohan’s hotel to arrest him. When Lohan saw the police arrive, he attempted to escape by jumping out of his third-story room window. Upon jumping, Lohan fell into a tree and injured his foot.

Joe Jackson

He’s the man who made Michael Jackson the person he is, which almost certainly guarantees him the title of “Worst Father Ever.”

Jackson abused his kids, made them call him “Joseph” while he worked as their manager (I’m sure that wasn’t weird for anyone involved.), and he cheated on his wife enough to have two daughters via extramarital affairs.

In 1993, Michael Jackson spoke to Oprah and said that even as an adult he would feel sick or vomit every time he saw his father.

Joe would also, for no reason, trip his male children, or push them into walls to show his dominance. JESUS CHRIST! That’s completely depraved, even by celebrity dad standards.

Kit Culkin

Macauley Culkin’s dad hasn’t been in the news for a long, long time, but I’m sure he’s still a pretty big jerk.

Kit served as Macauley’s manager since the Home Alone/Uncle Buck days, and when he and his wife got divorced, they fought more over who got to manage their son than they did over the kid himself. It’s thought that Macauley earned $50 million during his heyday, much of which was pilfered by Kit.

Must suck when your nine year-old is the breadwinner, but don’t be a dick about it, Kit.

I bet Macauley is wishing he’d just been left…Home Alone??????

Yeah.

While I appreciate Anderson Cooper’s strong anti-Kardashian stance, I take issue with his edict for two reasons. One: The Bravo host specifically asked for only ONE person who would be banned from Anderson! (again, exclamation point mine), but Cooper bent the rules to accomodate his personal politics. You know who else bent rules to accomodate at the convenience of his own beliefs? If you do, please leave his name in the comments for a special Screen Junkies prize.

Reason two: Anderson Cooper is so quick to judge the Kardashian clan over their fame-whoring, which I completely agree with, but refuses to turn the microscope on himself to examine the wrongs he’s perpetrating across the country and possibly the world. Namely, he’s making honest, Christian straight men go gay with his good looks, nonchalant charm, and terrific wardrobe. Specifically, he’s making me question my sexuality, and I’m sure I’m not alone here. (If you count among the straight men going gay for Anderson Cooper, again, put your name in the comments to be eligible for a special Screen Junkies prize.)

I don’t want to harp on his any longer than I already have, but Cooper should ban HIMSELF from his new show, Anderson, (my exclamation point omitted because I’m incredibly angry with him right now).

Khloe should carry no shame in light of these recent allegations (well, no more shame than she should be carrying for just being Khloe Kardashian). So lift that head up and know that if this thing turns out to be true, sure, it will be a hardship, and your place in your family will probably be in tumult, but you’re practically guaranteed to get an offer for a Mamma Mia! adaptation on Lifetime.

So it’s really a blessing!

Jon Snow – Game of Thrones

Snow’s cross to bear as the bastard son of Ned Stark is not insignificant, as he sees his siblings grow up in relative luxury. But he’s still better off than his brother Bran in that he has functioning legs. The upside to all this illegitimacy business is that Jon Snow has nothing to lose (hey, I’m looking for a silver lining here…) and as such has sworn his life to protecting a wall with a fat kid. The show makes it out to be a hell of a lot more noble than that description.

Fat Bastard – Goldmember

Fat Bastard lives up to both aspects of his name, in that he is quite corpulent, and also a bit of a dick, trying to kill protagonist Austin Powers. I’ve written to Mike Meyers (via New Line) asking for a family tree that tracks Fat Bastard’s lineage, but I haven’t gotten a response.

On a related note, I think my mailman is a drunk.

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