The star who has previously refused to swim without wearing a t-shirt takes it all off along with Sandler, Chris Rock, and David Spade. If this doesn’t make Mr. Skin’s year-end, there’s no justice.

Also, this:

I’m still a huge fan of Adam Sandler‘s good movies, but this is… this is just… he’s just doing this to f**k with us now. No word yet on plot or returning cast, but let’s face it. The entire cast will return. This is only good news for David Spade. (Variety)

The film will star newcomer Jakob Salvati as well as Emily Watson, Ben Chaplin, and David Henrie. Director Alejandro Monteverde conducted a nationwide casting search before discovering Salvati. Little Boy begins filming at the end of August in Baja, California where James is told they have really, really good tacos. But seriously, are we ready to see James in non-moronic fare? Would be pretty funny to see him split his pants at the Oscars. (Variety)

And Blart thought terrorists were trouble...

Here are your weekend links.

Kevin James = Chris Farley (MovieLine)

Kenny Powers And K Swiss (BarstoolSports)

An Open Letter To Mississippi (Holytaco)

Adam Sandlers Newest Movie (FilmDrunk)

Selena Gomez‘s Side Boobs (CelebJihad)

Disgusting Oblivion Character (Unreality)

The Zookeepers Talking Animals (Moviefone)

Casey Anthony On Springer (PopEater)

Naughty Church Signs (Smosh)

The Most Inspirational Teachers Out There (Ranker)

Fight At The Wafflehouse (BroBible)

Leslie Bibb Hotness (Maxim)

Megan Fox Botox? (Pajiba)

Charlie Day vs Zach G (NextMovie)

Clay Guida MMA Commercial (CagePotato)

Sex Scenes Are Hard (MadeMan)

CivWorld Review (GameFront)

Zoraida Gomez Hotness (TuVez)

In defense of Kevin James, I believe there’s more to him than just being the funny, round neighbor who finds himself in goofy situations. Deep down there’s a hidden De Niro behind all that pepperoni and pasta. I don’t want him to go down the road Adam Sandler is currently traveling, churning out bad comedy after bad comedy just for the quick buck. And I’m afraid with this Friday’s release of The zookeeper, a story about a zookeeper who has sex with (or maybe it’s talks with?) animals, that that’s exactly where he’s headed. Well no more, Mr. James. I’m here to help you. These are the roles you should be taking to guarantee your box office longevity, showing the world what you can truly do while earning some respect from film critics.

Handicapped, Intellectually Disabled Burn Victim

Playing a handicapped, disabled victim of a horrific accident is the perfect role for Kevin James. In Tears of a Cloud, Kevin plays Sgt. Lance Cantrill, an Iraq war veteran who saved his fellow soldiers during an attack, only to come home in a wheelchair with burns over 60% of his body and a grenade fragment stuck in his brain causing mental retardation. With a newborn baby on the way, James will have you weeping as he tries to reconnect with his family and friends while struggling to go back to his former life as a Hazmat diver.

Serial Killer

Know what’ buried beneath all of that fat? Complete and utter rage. For Killer at Extra-Large, James would terrify audiences playing a psychopathic madman who shows no mercy. Kidnapping, raping, torturing, raping again, then eating his victims, James would make Hannibal Lector look like a Sesame Street character. As a former federal forensic scientist who speaks nine different languages, James would become the world’s first global killer, traveling the planet searching for eastern European strippers and small Asian children to add to his growing collection of death. Only Daniel Day-Lewis has the smarts (and the acting ability) to try and capture former CIA specialist Dunky McHollister before Dunky can claim his 500^th victim. A guaranteed Oscar win for James that catapults him to the top of Hollywood’s most wanted.

Comeback Athlete

In Sweating Pride, James would inspire us all as Clark Legpowder, a former four-time Tour de France winner who found himself spiraling into a dark hole of depression after the death of his wife and children. If only the teenage amusement park attendant had followed safety protocols and checked all the Ferris Wheel cars before being told to shut the ride down during a thunderstorm, Clark’s wife and kids wouldn’t have been stuck at the very top, innocent statistics in a tragic accident. Having gained 300 pounds and losing his will to live, Clark finds new inspiration in Tobey, a ten year-old stuttering child with tuberculosis who teaches him that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Despite his heavy frame, and with only three weeks of training, Clark tells young Tobey that he will once again compete in the Tour de France and prove that the human spirit is the strongest f-f-f-f-force in the universe.

Fantasy Warrior

In “World of Lardassia” Kevin James would undergo months of hardcore bodybuilding and strength training to portray Kullnando, the fiercest barbarian warrior the lands of Lardassia have ever seen. A tan, ripped James moves like a panther, stealing treasures as he swiftly dispatches his enemies before bedding countless wenches in this hard ‘R’ three-picture fantasy adventure.

Kevin James, there’s more to you than your goofy comedy roles. I know you could pull off each of the characters I’ve described above and showcase your true talents to skeptics who only think of you as a one-trick comedian fatty pony. I know there’s greatness in you, Mr. James, and I can’t wait for the day when you prove to it to the world. Just please do it soon for I fear for our children’s dwindling taste in cinema.

Kevin James (most likely) loves to follow El Guapo on Twitter.

7 photosBrooklyn Decker

Andy Samberg has also been cast as Jonathan Van Helsing, the new boy in town who Dracula’s daughter falls for. But wait, there’s hope for this project. Genndy Tartakovsky (who is awesome) is directing. He’s best known for Dexter’s Laboratory, Samurai Jack, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and The Powerpuff Girls. Given that track record, there’s an outside chance that the movie won’t rely on Frankenstein being too fat to ride a Segway. (Variety)

Director: Frank Coraci

Cast: Adam Sandler, Sylvester Stallone, Rosario Dawson, Cher, Kevin James

Synopsis: The animals at one particular zoo decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovabl zookeeper gain the attention of one particular woman.

Release Date: July 8, 2011

Fortunately, this trailer follows the Kevin James checklist, so I can just copy and paste from my Hitch/Paul Blart/Grown-Ups reviews.

Is Kevin James:

• in an unconventional, yet traditionally demeaning job?
• a buffoon?
• for reasons inexplicable dating an insanely hot girl?
• redeemable?
• rocking out to an apt classic rock song? (Talking Heads “Wild Life”)
• talking to wise CGI animals? (new!)
• riding a tricycle like an idiot? (new!)
• responsible for the death of a giraffe in real life on the set? (new!)

Not sure what else you need to know. Once you heard or read, “Kevin James” and”Zookeeper,” you had already had your mind made up. And nothing here will dissuade you.

Winkler will play a yet to be determined role, but you can bet that he’ll provide some kind of support for James’ character. Maybe he’ll be the principal at the school where he teaches, and while he’s terrified of Ultimate Fighting, he’s very sweet and supportive while also having a weird quirk! Allan Loeb and his brother James will write, while Frank Corachi, director of this summer’s Kevin James romp, The Zookeeeper, will be behind the camera, so you just know the film will have a light, subtle touch of a Merchant Ivory production. Here Comes The Boom will be released on July 27, 2012, just in time for your Apocalypse BBQ. (The Playlist)

Honestly, what the hell happened to Vince Vaughn? And no, I’m not making a joke about his weight. If I lived in Chicago and had access to the Italian beef and sausage combo on a daily basis, my ass would look a lot like Queen Latifah’s, so there’s no judgment there. Wha I am making a joke about is his career, which is also starting to look a lot like Queen Latifah’s.

It’s not like Vaughn was the next Peter Sellers, but he did star in some memorable films: Swingers, Old School, and Anchor Man, to name a few. His last decent film, The Wedding Crashers, was a critical and commercial success, bringing in close to $300 million. But it’s been six years since Vaughn’s been in something that didn’t suck less on screen than Chloë Sevigny. His latest film, The Dilemma, is currently tanking at the box office, which is due in no small part to the fact that it’s rocking a 25% favorable rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Critical reception isn’t everything, especially for a comedy. But considering that 25% is more than double what his last film scored, it’s clearly not an isolated incident.

Of his four previous films*, The Break-Up is the highest rated at 34%. Fours Christmases is next with 25%, followed by Fred Claus at 21% and rounded out with Couples Retreat at a whopping 12%. If you combine all four of those scores, the total is still seven points below Toy Story 3. I understand that not every attempt is going to be a hit. Making a film is extremely difficult work, and it’s easy for an asshole hack like myself to sit in my underwear and criticize via the Internet. But the fact that it’s easy for me to criticize doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Vaughn’s last five years of work are an embarrassment by any reasonable standard.

So, what caused Vaughn to pull an Adam Sandler? While there’s no telling for sure, it’s worth noting that Vaughn and his sister Victoria began Wild West Picture Show Productions in 2006, and the company was responsible for the five turds we’ve already discussed. This could just be a coincidence, but all things considered, it would be one hell of a fluke. Maybe the added responsibility of producing has clouded Vaughn’s judgment. Or perhaps he simply gave up all pretense of making a quality product and is now worried only about the bottom line. In either case, any moron (like myself) who knows how to use IMDB can spot the correlation between Vaughn’s career as a producer and a dramatic drop in the quality of his films.

To be clear, Vaughn is not only likable, but talented. That’s what makes the whole situation so frustrating. To see the guy who played Beanie Campbell in Old School sharing the screen with Paul Blart is depressing, and the fact that it’s in a romantic comedy just adds insult to injury. It’s one thing to see a struggling/washed up actor doing crap films to make ends meet. But Vaughn can literally do anything he wants, and he chooses to make Couples Retreat.

There may be hope for Vaughn, as there are rumors of an upcoming project with director David O. Russell. Although to put things into perspective, Ron Howard directed The Dilemma, so even a good director is no guarantee. But whatever happens, it’s high time Vince Vaughn decided to, once again, start making comedies that are actually funny.

Actually, scratch that. It’s high time Vaughn decided to start acting in comedies that are actually funny. He should leave the producing to someone else.

* Note: Into the Wild was not included because Vaughn did not have a starring role.

From Academy Award winning director Ron Howard comes a January movie. The Dilemma is about a dilemma that’s very real, but it’s not funny. So they fill the movie with contrived B.S. that’s also not funny.

Ronny (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Kevin James) are couple friends. They’re best friends but they always hang out with their significant others too — Ronny’s wife Geneva (Winona Ryder) and Nick’s girlfriend Beth (Jennifer Connelly). They talk about what it takes to really know someone, and they dance because you liked Kevin James dancing in Hitch.

Nick and Ronny have a car idea for GM. That’s the big job they work on in between relationship issues. I always wonder who comes up with the jobs people do in movies when they don’t actually matter. Did screenwriter Allan Loeb really think, “I really want to tell the story of electric engine designers in crisis?” Or did he say, “Let Ron Howard figure out what they do for a living.”

While scouting a location for his own proposal, Ronny catches Geneva making out with a dude we’ll later learn is Zip (Channing Tatum). Does he tell his best friend? Would it be more human to wait until all the pressure of the GM deal is over? Well, it’s a movie so any mature decision Ronny could make is off the table.

Remember when Vince Vaughn used to keep it real? No gimmicks, just breaking the tension of real relationships with comedy. To fill out two hours in The Dilemma, he has to fall into some poison plants that make his pee hurt, argue over the audience trick shot at a hockey game, and climb trees to spy on Zip.

Vaughn is out of things to riff about, so he does the speech from Miracle. Ronny makes up lies about what trouble he’s been in because he can’t tell Beth he’s planning a proposal and he can’t tell Nick what he knows. Dropping a wad of cash (intended for a ring) and keeping secrets make it look like Ronny’s gambling again. Misunderstanding circumstances is not the same as a joke.

The women give some powerhouse performances though. Geneva shows Ronny how she can turn on the tears if she has to claim Ronny made a pass at her to cover her ass. It’s pretty evil, but evil is not funny. Beth is the most amazing girlfriend ever. In the face of ridiculous behavior, she wants to be supportive and Ronny’s the ass to refuse. Queen Latifah talks about her lady wood in an embarrassing bit part, and it’s so funny that she says it twice. But Connelly and Ryder make something out of this nonsense.

There is some good drama in the resolution, but this ain’t the drama version. They had their chance to make a drama and they made the wrong choice.

Coraci is one of Adam Sandler’s directors of choice. He helmed The Waterboy, Click and The Wedding Singer. His newest movie, The Zookeeper, apparently tested so high with audiences they’re releasing it in July. We wish Coraci good luck and if he has any lingering doubts about whether or not he can direct this film, this is all we have to say. (Deadline)

Director: Ron Howard

Cast: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Connelly, Winona Ryder, Kevin James, Channing Tatum

Synopsis: A man discovers that his best friend’s wife is having an affair.

Release Date: January 14, 2010

Salma Hayek and her breasts are being eyed for the female lead in an upcoming Kevin James film, Collider is reporting in a very sad tone. In the untitled film, which will no doubt be called Large Naturals Vol. 37,  audiences will see Kevin James play a teacher who starts moonlighting as…get this…an MMA fighter! Hilarious! It’s funny cause he’s fat! Talk about a fish out of water. It’s a ridiculous concept…not as ridiculous as Kevin James getting paid millions of dollars to star in a comedy, but ridiculous all the same.

I miss The Blue Brothers.

Adam Sandler and Kevin James may have figured out which vehicle James will take nutshots in next. Sony just picked up a pitch from actor/comedian/writer/talking cat Nick Bakay for Valet Guys. If Sandler and James sign on, they’ll play two valet parking guys at a South Beach hotel forced to go on the run after witnessing a murder.

Before Chuck and Larry pronounce their involvement, however, a few things must fall into place. Dennis Dugan must sign on to direct. The script must contain jokes where James has trouble getting out of a low-to-the-ground sports car. And Rob Schneider must be allowed to show up everyday around crew meal. And he’s allowed seconds. (Deadline)

^{Artist rendering.}

You wouldn’t know it by the trailer for his most recent movie, but Ron Howard is a protector of comedy. The director won’t cave to the pressure that GLAAD is applying to edit the offensive Vince Vaughn line "Electric cars are gay," from both advertising and the final version of The Dilemma. He’s quoted as saying:

&quot’The Dilemma‘ is a comedy for grown-ups, not kids.  It’s true that the moment took on extra significance in light of some events that surrounded the release of the trailer and the studio made the decision to remove it from advertising, which I think was appropriate.  I believe in sensitivity but not censorship. I feel that our film is taking additional heat as an emblem for many movies and TV shows that preceded it that have even more provocative characterizations and language. It is a slight moment in THE DILEMMA meant to demonstrate an aspect of our lead character’s personality, and we never expected it to represent our intentions or the point of view of the movie or those of us who made it."

Very well put. When reached for comment, Vince Vaughn added:

"This pressure is gay."

And then Kevin James made out with a sandwich. (LA Times)

From Academy Award-Winning Director Ron Howard comes… a movie where Vince Vaughn gets poison ivy on his schlong. And Channing Tatum probably gets worse when he puts his in Winona Ryder. Despite the Farrelly-esque setups, The Dilemma looks funny. Hate on Vince Vaughn all you want but the man flawlessly delivers the line, "Ladies and gentlemen, electric cars… are gay."

Back to schlongs, Queen Latifah mentions that she’s sporting "ladywood." Cute, but I’d have called it a "HERection." I’m not an Academy Award winner though, so what do I know?

Check out the trailer after the jump…

The Dilemma Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

The impossible task of squeezing Kevin James into a stock car has most likely led to his newest project. The comedian has agreed to fall down and get hit in the groin a lot in an untitled mixed martial arts movie. In the film, James stars as a teacher who moonlights as a mixed martial artist in order to prevent budget cuts from shutting down the school’s music program. If Sony is truly in need of a title for this, may I suggest Mr. Hollandaise’s Opus? Because he’s very fat, you see.

Please make all checks out to cash. (Deadline)

USAToday has a first look at Ron Howard’s new film, The Dilemma. It stars Vince Vaughn as a guy who discovers that his best friend’s (Kevin James) wife (Winona Ryder) is cheating on him with Channing Tatum. Not the real Channing Tatum, but the character he plays. In case you’re confused as to where this movie came from, it used to be called Cheaters.

It’s great to see Ron Howard taking on a comedy again. I’ve grown weary of his religious projects with Tom Hanks in long, stringy hair. Hopefully The Dilemma will be more Parenthood than EdTV. I’d also like to mention that the above scene takes place at Chicago’s famous hot dog joint, Weiner Circle. A more dangerous place to bring Vaughn and James I cannot think of.

Grown Ups
PG-13, 98min., 2010
Cast: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schiender, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Colin Quinn, Tim Meadows and Steve Buscemi
Directed by Dennis Dugean
Screenplay Adam Sandler and Fred Wolf
 
Throughout the 98 minutes of Grown Ups your brain keeps nudging you to just repeat these words: “It’s no surprise, because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.”
 
Here we have a full-fledged cast of comedians from Sandler, to Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and yes, even the forever slave to Sandler movies, Rob Schneider counts as a comic, telling no jokes and just delivering kick to the balls or pie in the face moments.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

 
Even real actresses like Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, and Maya Rudolph are given very little to do other than speak a line every 10 minutes and then have breast milk shoot at them or have toilet paper get stuck to their butts.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.
 
Cameos by SNL cast members Colin Quinn, Tim Meadows and even Steve Buscemi offer little help to punch up the material, though Meadows and Rock get into a quick scuffle, providing one of the movies only few good laughs. Which is what people want from a Sandler movie: a good laugh here and there, but here it’s just a bunch of endless dick and fart jokes.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.
 
The movie looks very expensive from all of the extras and large set pieces – from a New Hampshire lake house to a mammoth-sized water park and a huge 4th of July picnic at the end. The movie was just an excuse to go on vacation and get paid at the same time for Sandler and his crew.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler… Time Out. Stop this madness.
 
Why has Sandle taken the money and run? We’ve seen Sandler make unapologetic critic-proof movies since the the mid-90s, but somewhere when his movies started to make money–throwing the middle finger at Big Daddy–they’ve become some of the most blandest and forgettable comedy movies of the past decade.
 
Not including Punch Drunk-Love, Reign Over Me, or Funny People, which all may be another excuse for him to go back and make these kind of money burning movies.
 
Kids growing up back in the mid-90s of the Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore days could quote Sandler left and right, “Stop staring at me swwwan”, “Sooo hot want to touch the hiney, ouwww!” It was stupid but funny. Now, I can’t think of one line from Click, I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, or even 50 First Dates worth shouting at my friends at an inappropriate time. 
 
By the end of Grown Ups, your brain is hurting from repeating these excuses, you’ve realized that you have officially ‘grown up’ from these “kind of comedies," yet all you want to do is run out of the theater like a scared little kid.

Grade: D-

No stranger to making a sissy, Kevin James is now slated to go boom. Sony and Columbia have signed James to star in the action movie Here Comes the Boom. Salma Hayek is in talks for the female lead. If she is to sign on, this will be the second time her mammeries have starred opposite James’s.

The script is written by James and The Zookeeper scribe Rock Reuben, who is also a veteran of "The King of Queens." Though the log-line is being kept under wraps, the title conjurs up an image for me of the portly star slo-mo diving away from an explosion or toward a wedding cake. Maybe both. One way or the other, a cake is totally screwed in this movie. (Variety)

^{Rock and Spade watching playback.}

Last summer, Adam Sandler decided he wanted to take a New England vacation with his buddies and stare at Salma Hayek’s cans all day. A film crew tagged along and now we have Grown Ups.

The film assumes the very believable premise of five guys who were childhood friends but haven’t seen one another since they were twelve years old, so they decide to get to know one another again thirty years later. This isn’t very different from the teaser we already saw. They just made more room for pee jokes. The movie opens June 25th and stars SNL’s cast circa 1992 with the notable busty additions of Salma and Kevin James.

Watch Kevin James make a sissy after the jump.

Grown Ups — Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

A lot of food gets wasted on film and commercial sets but that shouldn’t be a problem on Ron Howard’s upcoming comedy. Kevin James is expected to sign-on to play opposite Vince Vaughn in the untitled comedy about infidelity. In the film, Vaughn will play a man who finds out his best friend’s wife is cheating and struggles with what to do with that knowledge. James, who appears next in Grown Ups, will play the betrayed friend who struggles with a pair of Docker’s.

It’s good to see Ron Howard returning to comedy. I’m optimistic that these three will turn out genuinely touching, funny moments with a lot of heart. An enlarged heart, if you will. (THR)

Cast: Adam Sandler, Selma Hayek, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James, Rob Schneider

Synopsis: Thirty years after thei high school graduation, five good friends reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend.

You’re big fan of some Hollywood celebrity. You want to learn more about their private lives. And Us Weekly’s "Stars: They’re just like us!" section stopped being riveting after you found out Christian Slater drinks Starbucks. 

You want to learn the dirt… the real dirt… but you don’t want to have to root through the celeb’s trash bins for goodies. All that usually gets you is a bunch of hot garbage and a night in jail where hot garbage smell is an aphrodisiac for your cell mates. 

Well, thanks to the internet, you can now just hack into her Netflix account. After all, sometimes a DVD rental queue is much more telling than a heap of old groceries, anyway.

Here are 7 celebrity Netflix queues we managed to get hold of. And by get hold of, we mean create in Photoshop. 

Malin Akerman

Channing Tatum

Kevin James

Jesse Eisenberg

Hugh Jackman

Vin Diesel

Gwyneth Paltrow

Today’s Marquee Links:

20 Die-Hard College FB Fans

Awesome Street Art by Blu

Joy Glass Photos

25 Awesome Things Made of Beer Cans

Amazing Lebowski Bowling Pin Set

According to Variety, Hollywood is making yet another family film with animals that’s sure to rake in millions.  The Zookeeper, starring Kevin James and Rosario Dawson, centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their method of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.  Cher’s voicing a giraffe, Jon Favreau a bear, Sly Stallone a lion, and Judd Apatow an elephant.  If the film sticks to a realistic portrayal a great deal of the advice is going to involve forceful sexual advances.  In the animal kingdom, "no" doesn’t mean no.  When Mr. Lion is horny he takes what he wants.  But surely if Kevin James persists there’s going to be a HILARIOUS moment where a woman knees him in the balls.