Well, that was the idea. And then die hard Muppet fans tore me a new asshole. I post these comments in the hope of defending my actions, and perhaps ending all the hard feelings I’ve generated. Or at the very least, preventing anyone else from keying “Muppet Hater” into the side of my car. Seriously guys, that was harsh.

Thomas Powers

OK, lets address this first: I never claimed to be a Muppet expert, but I do consider myself a fan. As a child of the 80′s, I was raised on The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, and The Muppets Take Manhattan. It was the latter film that inspired me to start Ohio‘s first and most celebrated Dabney Coleman Fan Club. Aside from this, I had an impressive array of Muppet stuffed toys, as well as the complete collection of Muppet Babies McDonald’s Happy Meal figures. Any or all of these credentials qualify me to look up Muppets I’m less familiar with on Wikipedia and report what I’ve found to the general public. Also, Tom, my article wasn’t a “review” of the film at all. Just intended as a helpful tool!

Stephanie Foresta

I got a lot of complaints for including Pepe. Apparently, since being introduced in the 90′s on Muppets Tonight, Pepe has become a high profile Muppet. I apologize for any perceived slight to Pepe fans. I have nothing against the character, I was simply trying to identify him for the small percentage of Americans who haven’t watched a new Muppet film or show since 1988. There are only a few of us, but we have rights too. As for not liking my commentary, fair enough. I also never claimed to be funny. If it’s any consolation, Stefanie, I get paid in rubbing alcohol.

Andrew Darren Whitakker

I got a few responses along these lines. One said “worst Muppet list ever,” and perhaps it is. I certainly haven’t read every Muppet-related list ever written, but I could see mine being on the lower end. Bottom 20%, easy. However, I do take exception to it being called “one of the worst lists”. This implies that my work is being judged amongst every list ever written, on any topic. Surly the Internet has provided thousands of lists worse than mine. Many of them are on this very site!

Fart jokes? What is this, Phantom Menace?

But thankful, I was completely and unequivocally wrong. The Muppets was an enjoyable film on every level. Somehow, over 30 years after its premiere, Jason Segel and director James Bobin managed to capture the spirit of the original film and still appeal to a modern audience. It’s funny without being crude, earnest without being sappy, and self-referential without being smug. But most of all, unlike other attempts to recreate nostalgia, The Muppets is fun to watch because it feels like the old gang is really back together. I suppose the fact that Muppets don’t age probably helped, but it’s more than that. I could tell that the filmmakers were as excited to make this film as I was to watch it.

The movie begins in Small Town, U.S.A., where a very Muppet-esque character named Walter is living with his brother Gary (Segel). All his life, Walter has been obsessed with The Muppets, so he’s overjoyed to learn that Gary and his longtime-girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) have arranged for a trip to Los Angeles and a tour of The Muppet Studios. However, his joy is short-lived.

Upon reaching Los Angeles, the three quickly realize that The Muppets are no longer the draw they once were. The Muppet Theater is in complete disrepair, and The Muppet Studios are a shell of their former glory. The highlight of the tour is the door of Kermit’s old office, followed by a trip to the room where industrial cables are stored.

Bored with the official tour, Walter sneaks away from the group, and while hiding under Kermit’s old desk, he overhears the fiendish plot of Tex Richman (played perfectly by Chris Cooper), a billionaire who wants to tear down the studio and drill for more oil. But of course, there’s a catch. If the Muppets can raise $10 million, the studio will remain under their control.

And we’re off. Harry, Gary and Mary set out to warn Kermit of the impending danger, and from there Kermit must track down his old friends. It’s not a groundbreaking plot, but it works, and it gives us the perfect opportunity to see what’s become of our old friends. Fozzie is working a sad lounge act in Reno with a knock-off group known as “The Moopets,” Gonzo is running a pluming corporation, and Ms. Piggy is a designer in Paris. There is never any doubt that they’ll all agree to reunite, but the filmmakers manage to spin the predictability to their advantage, making light of the contrived plot twists rather than trying to mask them.

Despite the fact that I knew what was coming at every turn, I was still constantly surprised. Rather than simply rehashing what made the previous Muppet movies work, the film managed to tweak things just enough to keep it fresh without straying too far from what the audience expected. This includes the ending, which takes us exactly where we know we’re going, but by a slightly different route. Even the celebrity cameos set the right tone. The big names were there, but they weren’t the focus. Somehow, Jack Black managed to tone it down and let the Muppets be the center of attention. And the notable absence of Lady Gaga, who was previously rumored to be in the film, was a welcome treat.

Even the musical numbers, which usually lend themselves to cringe-worth moments, somehow kept me laughing. Yesterday, if you had told me the film included a rap number by Chris Cooper, it would have made me nauseous. But as much as I wanted to hate the scene, I just couldn’t. The movie was impervious to my cynicism. And considering I’m a cynical prick who works on the goddamn Internet, I think that says a lot. Hack writers like myself love to accuse movies of “raping” their childhood. Well, the only thing this movie raped was my bad attitude.

Go and see the Muppets, and if you don’t like it, go straight to hell.

Everyday, the list of cameos in the upcoming Muppet movie seems to grow. And while there are plenty of rumors about who will play what, the truth is, no one really knows what’s going on. But fear not, Muppet fans. Using the awesome power of the Screen Junkies super computer (The SJ 3000), I was able to determine the most probable roles for those rumored to be appearing in the film, and you can’t argue with science. So sit back and see for yourself who will be playing what in the upcoming Muppet Movie.

	In a traumatic flashback scene, Jean-Claude Van Damme will play the leader of an infamous Belgian pedophile ring that pays Nanny $30,000 USD to use the Muppet Babies in his films. Animal, go bi-bi! Go bi-bi, indeed.
	Alan Arkin will play a kindly old man who is savagely beaten to death by Animal after inadvertently triggering the flashback scene described above.
	It is rumored that Zach Galifianakis will play a hobo in the film. Our computer says it will be a hobo that everyone really likes, but who is starting to wear on people because he pops up everywhere.
	Jack Black will play a ghost who is sent back to warn Zach Galifianakis’ character about the dangers of overexposure.
	Kermit took issue with Lady Gaga‘s frog coat and decided to cast her in his own snuff film. Soon, he will lure her to his “private studio” deep in the swamp, where no one can hear the screams. It’s not easy, being reamed.
	Chris Cooper plays a right-wing, Christian oil man who is so desperate to stay in the closet that he shoots Gonzo in the head to keep him from spilling the beans.
	Danny Trejo will play a vicious enforcer sent to teach Bunsen and Beaker a lesson. The lesson being that if you’re going to make meth in this town, you better clear it with the Cártel de Tijuana.
	After a successful lobbying effort via the Internet, Donald Glover landed the role of Fozzie, marking the first time the character will be played by a black man rather than a brown bear.
	Rashida Jones will play the actress who only got a part in the new Muppet movie because her father, Quincy Jones, is good friends with Dr. Teeth.
	Billy Crystal will play a devout Jew who, despite her strong advances, refuses to pork Ms. Piggy.
	Amy Adams will play Rowlf the Dog’s love interest. There’s a “doggy style” joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you make it.
	Jane Lynch isn’t officially on board yet, but if she is cast, it will no doubt be in the role of Big Bird’s long-lost mother.
	George Clooney will play a smug actor who, after giving a crappy, self-referential cameo, goes home and bangs any woman he wants while you sit alone and watch on-line porn.

When it comes to gifts, what do you get the man who has everything? The answer: a new Muppet movie!

Disney has announced the latest installment from Kermit and the gang will hit theaters on Christmas Day, 2011, just in time for the Christ child’s birthday.

Writen by Jason Segel and directed by "Flight of the Conchords" co-creator James Bobin, the project is aimed at introducing the Muppets to a whole new generation of fans.

According to Variety, the film will be up against Steven Spielberg’s Adventures of Tintin and Cameron Crowe‘s We Bought a Zoo, both of which can kiss my ass. It’s Muppet time, bitches! Wakka Wakka Wakka!