Introducing Everyone To Your Pet Chipmunk, Taylor Lautner

I keep harping on this, but I will not rest until everyone admits that Taylor Lautner looks like a damn chipmunk. It’s not a compliment, and it’s not a criticism. It’s a statement of fact. He’s got chipmunk teeth and puffy little cheeks, and if chipmunks had personal trainers, I’m pretty sure that their abs would closely resemble his.

Broker A Truce Between Team Edward And Team Jacob

This is quickly turning into the India-Pakistan of the kiddie-lit set. If I had seen any of the Twilight books or movies, I might be able to insert some witticism about why one is superior to the other, but alas. Frankly, brokering a truce between these two factions isn’t likely, due to their Al-Qaeda-like devotion to their cause, so the best thing to do is arm them, and hope for a swift resolution with minimal collateral damage.

“TEAM JACOB IS NO MORE! JOIN TEAM EDWARD OR THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH YOUR BLOOD! HALALALALALALALALALALALA!”

Tell Fellow Campers That You Are Happy That You Brought Extra Shit Buckets, Then Sell Shit Buckets To Them For $200 Each

I understand that they’re big fans, but my guess is that many of these dumb people didn’t think things through. Sure, the restaurant owners will probably let the Twihards use their restrooms during business hours, but these people are living outdoors for almost a week. Not everything can be done during business hours. These people will need to defecate, and when they do, inform them that you WILL NOT save their place in line. Rather, they can pay $200 for a sparkling-new shit bucket, or they can leave the line and take their chances.

I also just really like the idea of a bunch of teenagers in Twilight shirts carrying buckets of their own waste, unsure of where to put them come Monday.

The plot of arena is that people are captured and forced to kill each other for the enjoyment of the internet and Sam Jackson. I’m sure there’s more plot to be offered, but none more needed. If Kellan Lutz fights and wins nine more times, he gets to go free. But let’s be honest for a second. (Kellan Lutz: If you’re reading, skip to the next paragraph. If you’re illiterate, tell the guy reading this to you to skip to the next paragraph.) Nobody gives a rat’s ass about Lutz. We’re hear to see Samuel L. act like the Joker, Richard Dawson, Nic Cage, and Tyra Banks all rolled into one.

6 photosKeep Looking At New Pics From 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn' Forever

“After their wedding, Bella and Edward travel to Rio de Janeiro for their honeymoon, where they finally give in to their passions. Bella soon discovers she is pregnant, and during a nearly fatal childbirth, Edward finally fulfills her wish to become immortal.  But the arrival of their remarkable daughter, Renesmee, sets in motion a perilous chain of events that pits the Cullens and their allies against the Volturi, the fearsome council of vampire leaders, setting the stage for an all-out battle.”

Huh. Here’s hoping the fearsome council of vampire leaders forgot to bring their magic swords or whatever. The movie’s coming out on November 18, so try not to run afoul of any sexy vampires and/or werewolves before then.

The biggest stars in the mix are Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal. If Bourne Legacy requires this new agent to do a lot of embarrassing on-screen crying, I’m guessing Maguire will snag the role. However, there are a bunch of somewhat less famous actors in contention, including Taylor Kitsch (the terrible Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Garrett Hedlund (Jeff Bridges’ kid from Tron: Legacy) and Kellan Lutz (one of the Twilight-ers). Gilroy is insisting that all the actors screen test, so we’re guessing he’s not a total web-head or Twi-hard.

The Bourne Legacy is tentatively scheduled to open fire on theaters August 2012. (The Playlist)

_{So much attitude, the lot of ‘em.}

That headline was like catnip for masochists. Nina Dobrev, a.k.a the lead hot chick on "The Vampire Diaries," has signed on to play Kellan Lutz‘s wife in Deathgames. James Remar, who play Dexter‘s father on "Dexter,” and Derek Mears, Jason in the Friday the 13th remake, also have been cast in the movie. Samuel L. Jackson got into the mix early.

The story centers on a young man (Lutz) who is kidnapped and forced into the savage world of a modern gladiator arena, where men fight to the death for entertainment of the online masses in games orchestrated by Jackson.

So it’s like that Gamer movie where Dexter from "Dexter" played the bad guy and Gerard Butler played Kellan Lutz. I say they scrap the original concept and pit Nina and Kellan against each other in a who’s prettier contest. Winner gets the title of Queen McSassypants and Sam Jackson’s respect. Kellan, I’m already printing up your sash. (THR)

The decision to split Twilight: breaking Dawn into two movies is causing some money woes for Summit Entertainment. Or for the supporting cast, depending on your perspective. Professional erection and herection causers, Ashley Greene and Kellen Lutz are looking for bigger paydays now that their careers are beginnng to break out. They’re all like, "F*ck you! Pay me!!" And Summit’s all like, "No. YOU, f*ck you!!" Or something along those lines:

"We may have a situation where one of them is thrown out on the street to make a point," says a source close to the dealmaking.

There is precedent. After the success of the first film, Summit axed Rachelle Lefevre, who played Victoria, in part because her reps played hardball on money. (Bryce Dallas Howard got the job instead.)  But sources say the offers from Summit — which are said to be at least 10 times what the actors made on the first movie — were deemed "offensive" given the mega-money the franchise has generated.

This is a tough call. One the one hand, yeah f*ck those guys. But on the other, they DO have abdominal muscles and I’m pretty sure that’s what matters nowadays. That’s wh the American Gladiators are so well off and most artists die penniless. Honestly though, just replace him with Paul Walker. Same diff. (Yahoo)

^{"Thank you for coming to our pudding party."}

Continuing on his path of selecting films with terrible titles, Samuel L. Jackson has signed on to star in Deathgames, opposite Twilight and Elm Street‘s Kellan Lutz.

Former visual effects supervisor Jonah Loop, will make his directorial debut with the modern gladiator film. In the story, Lutz is kidnapped and forced to battle in the arena for the entertainment of online spectators. Jackson runs the games, overseeing them from his lair with the help of twin ladies "who see to his every desire." Just like Steven Seagal. If Seagal were computer-literate.

(THR)