What powers you ask? I dunno how ’bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That’s levitation, holmes. How ’bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away… with mind bullets!

According to the Daily Mail, yes. Tom Cruise is a Jedi or something.

They’ve run a story that states the Church of Scientology allegedly believes Tom Cruise to have both telekinetic and telepathic powers.

Judging from the photos, Holmes means business. If the Church of Scientology wants to get to Katie, they’re going to have to step up their game. She’s likely hired top-level security, so in order to win this day, Scientology will have to recruit the best of the best. But they can’t go the traditional route. These guys are going to be on the look-out for ninjas and poisoned lattes. What Scientology needs here is someone who can get in and get out without anyone every realizing they were there.

Here are our recommendations.

Mike the Cleaner

As the right-hand man to Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, Mike the Cleaner has proved time and time again that he is the man for the job. Whether he’s rescuing hostages or cutting the head off the Mexican Cartel, this former cop seperates emotion from the job. Killing is just business. This allows him to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as he works effectively and efficiently. He’s also aided by his ingenuity as he uses unorthodox methods to stay several steps ahead of his marks.

That Queef Monster from Game of Thrones

The biggest problem the Scientologists are now facing is actually accessing Katie. Press is camped out outside her apartment twenty-four hours a day and her security team are highly-decorated. Season two of Game of Thrones showed us the most cunning and effective way of getting behind enemy lines. The plan is actually quite simple. Tom Cruise will need to impregnate a Red Priestess. She will carry the child to term within a day or two and then fart the shadowy demon killer out of her vagina. The abomination will then slink into Holmes’s private tent and kill her where she stands before dissipating into thin air, leaving behind stunned onlookers who will likely shoulder the blame.

This plan does have its drawbacks however. This is powerful magic that Cruise would be affiliating himself with. Far more powerful than any magic the Church of Scientoloy is able to conjure. Would this coax Tom away from his religion? And what weight would these dark dealings bear on his soul? Also, he’d have to touch a girl. Gross.

The Order of Taraka

Employed by both humans and demons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s The Order of Taraka can definitely get this difficult job done. This society of feared assassins and bounty hunters are close to unstoppable. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Rupert Giles weighing in on the subject. “They are masters of deceit. Vampires are bound by the night, but these predators can be anywhere, anytime. They can appear as normal as the next person. Just another face in the crowd. You might not ever know when one of them is near – not until the moment of your death.”

Which makes you think. Katie is going to grant an exclusive interview eventually. Whose to say that the Order doesn’t have assassins embedded at Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood? Nancy O’Dell has always seemed a little too well-polished.

The Mechanic

As far as the Church of Scientology is concerned, Katie Holmes is a problem. Arthur Bishop (aka The Mechanic) is a man who fixes problems.

A master assassin, Bishop is essentially invisible. He specializes in making his hits look like accidents, suicide, or the acts of petty criminals. Or sometimes they will just be disappeared altogether. http://www.businessinsider.com/scientology-leader-david-miscaviges-wife-has-been-missing-since-2006-2012-7

Those Snakes on a Plane Snakes

Well, it’s likely that the Scientologists won’t hide a time-released crate full of snakes on Holmes’s airplane. The movie blew the whistle on that genius plan and now professionals are constantly on the lookout for it. However, they could hide poisonous snakes elsewhere in the hopes of taking out the unsuspecting former Mrs. Cruise. Ventilation ducts, elevator cars, or even in a can of peanuts are all viable places to catch Katie Holmes off guard.

Brother Mouzone

People see the bowtie and the last thing they think is ruthless killer. However, The Wire’s Brother Mouzone is exactly that. Well-mannered and bespectacled, the erudite assassin could easily gain access to high-level events that Holmes might attend, like a Broadway opening or an awards show or a guest slot on The View. The only other assassins capable of gaining access to such events are the Inglorious Bastards. And those guys are like a hundred years old by now.

T-1000

When the future‘s first attempts to kill John Connor failed, they sent back a better killing machine. Although, they probably should have just sent the better killing machine first or back to a time before they sent the original Terminator. I’m not trying to tell a self-aware artificial intelligence system how they should go about overthrowing humanity, but c’mon. If you’re going to actually go to all of the trouble of time travel, might as well do it right.

Anyways, back to Katie Holmes. The T-1000 could easily disguise itself as a member of her security team or a co-star. Better yet, Holmes could get cast in a film also starring Robert Patrick. She’s down to that level in her career by this point, right?

James Van Der Beek

With Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek has proven that he’s willing to trade-in on his image. So, why not sell-out a former co-star? That’s not so far out of the question. Plus, it would grant him access to all of the freedoms that Scientology has to offer. Just imagine, never being publicly referred to as Dawson again. All he has to do is push Holmes back when she inevitably climbs through his window seeking comfort.

But I do have a passion for telling near-strangers how famous people should live their lives. And I’ve got a vehicle (this site) with a substantial, albeit demented, readership.

So…

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise could pick up another doe-eyed starlet or other impressionable flame, but that’s sort of what we expect. I’m waiting for news to break that he’s on vacation with their nanny any minute now. No one wants that story. It’s trite, it’s sad for the kids, and it would be non-news were it to occur.

Rather, Tom should do what we all really, really want him to do. Cavort around town as a big flamboyant queen. Like Capri pants and tank tops-style queen. I don’t really care if he’s gay or not, nor does most of America, but we’d like to see TC do something a little different.

Lance Bass.

I had a team of scientists working on an algorithm that could determine the one person that was the exact opposite of a hypothetical amalgam of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Katie Holmes, and they came back with results that indicated Lance Bass is the most diametrically different person in the universe from the aforementioned. Interestingly enough, Joey Fatone was number two. Huh.

Tom would go to club openings, get pictured gassing up a tiny Mercedes convertible and just generally being really gay. I don’t need him to start a handbag line or anything, but just live a little louder than he did before. He’d become likable again, something he hasn’t been in more than a decade.

I guarantee if he jumps on Oprah’s couch as a result of loving some dude, he becomes America’s sweetheart. He’s got a winning style, an amazing pedigree, and despite all the hate, I think America and the world really wants to like this guy. I mean, what kind of world is it that people are rooting for Tom Cruise to fail?

That’s totally f*cked, guys. For reals. I mean, he did this:

Katie Holmes

Katie has youth on her side, which is a nice thing to have. It affords her time and options. Initially, she was seen as a damsel that would be indoctrinated into Scientology and would be kept as Mr. Cruise’s child bride.

It didn’t quite go down that way. Or maybe it did. People stopped thinking of Katie in any human way whatsoever and just started thinking of her as a younger, healthier-looking version of Victoria Beckham. Not bad, but not really good, either.

Katie Holmes is likable enough, I guess. I say that meaning I don’t explicitly wish her any harm. So let’s see her have some fun, too. Before Tom Cruise, she was dating Chris Klein, which I’m sure was pleasant enough, but not like a carnival ride of fun.

Which is why she needs to get after a guy that’s nothing but fun. I’m thinking Pete Doherty, I’m thinking Andy Dick, I’m thinking 50 Cent. Maybe Johnny Knoxville. I don’t really care who, which is unfortunate, because I’m tasked with writing this feature on who she should see next.

Conner Cruise

I know precisely jack shit about Connor Cruise. And that’s high praise. Despite being the adopted black son of Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, he’s miraculously managed to stay out of the headlines and out of trouble. Nicely done, Connor. Don’t change a thing. And if you were close with your step-mom, I’m sorry you lost her in all this, but just stay in touch.

You’re doing it right Connor. Against all odds,

Suri

Oh, Suri. Oh, Suri. Oh SuriSuriSuriSuri.

Where do I begin? This won’t be easy for you. You were fighting an uphill battle to be a normal child the second you were born, and now you belong to a broken home. You might be inclined to just give up as you hear these words read to you by the Scientology intern that reads you all the articles that pop up on your Google Alert, but don’t.

This is an opportunity to make a fresh start. One that you’ve needed for so long. You look tired, Suri. Take a step back from the spotlight. Hang out with Connor. That kid has a good head on his shoulders. Own the opportunity for reinvention by getting a fun new haircut like your mom did with that pixie cut a few years back.

Dance like no one’s watching, Suri.

Take some time for yourself by just going to that island that your parents probably bought you for your half birthday between your second and third birthdays. Spoil yourself rotten with Lunchables and flaxseed shakes and just rise above all the noise that you’re hearing right now. Most of all, know that your parents love you very much, even if they’re pretty weird, what with your mom never smiling and your dad smiling all the damn time.

You’re going to get through this. Most importantly, don’t see Rock of Ages. Avoid it like the plague if you still want to maintain a shred of respect for your dad.

Good luck to this whole, weird, sill family.

She tells him he’s chubby right to his face! TO HIS FACE! But by the end of the film, it would seem that Adam Sandler has more in common with his sister than he ever realized. ‘Cause that’s how these types of movies end. She embraces the role with all the charisma and warmth that one would expect from Mrs. Tom Cruise.

Beyond that, we get all the hallmarks of a lazy Adam Sandler movie: funny voices, his buddies in silly costumes, pointless and weird cameos (Al Pacino?), and lame 70′s classic rock.

Watch the trailer, then wonder what type of person says, “Intriguing. I’m excited for more.”

Little Sally Hirst (Bailey Madison) has to go live with her dad Alex (Guy Pearce) and his new girlfriend Kim (Katie Holmes) in the scary house they’re restoring. We know from the prologue that Emerson Blackwood (Garry McDonald) used to hide in the basement ripping out victims’ teeth to feed the creatures that whisper to him. So it’s going to be rough for Sally.

Don't Be Afraid Of This 'Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark' Trailer

The plot structure is basic and effective. Sally starts hearing the whispers and the creatures leave gifts for her, but then they start ripping Kim’s clothes and making trouble. Of course the grown-ups don’t believe her. Actually, it’s Alex who’s so obsessed with making the cover of Architecture Digest that he tries to micromanage Sally into behaving. Kim seems sympathetic, at least that Sally should get some sensitive attention, if not totally buying into the creatures.

Nixey does the creature tease well with glimpses, keeping the creatures hidden but present enough that they’re part of the movie. Alex sticks his ears so close he almost gets nicked, but that’s just a joke. Seeing the creatures in shadow from Sally’s foot level is cute and whimsical.

The creatures attack with deft skill though. You definitely get your money’s worth in several scenes of full on little armies stabbing and grabbing the groundskeeper and embarrassing Alex at his dinner party. Those are great sequences.

The only distracting aspect of the film is an apparent anti-psychiatry bent. Sally’s mom has her on Aderol and Alex’s psychiatrist friend wants to prescribe more for Sally. It may be effective to set a monster movie in the world of obtuse adults, but when you cast the wife of the most vocal spokesperson against prescription medication, it can’t help but feel like an agenda. And it was probably only meant to show that the grown-ups don’t get Sally, but that’s where my mind goes.

I like seeing a creature movie where the creatures interact with the world. Horror movies don’t scare me so I have to appreciate them on a different level. I don’t know if Dark will scare you but it’s entertaining and creative.

Guillermo del Toro's 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark' Trailer

The movie is about a little girl played by Bailee Madison, who moves into a haunted house with her dad (Guy Pearce) and his new girlfriend (Katie Holmes). Also, lots of loud and scary PG-13 ghosts. You can go ahead and watch it in the dark, since it says right in the title not to be afraid of said dark. Enjoy.

Check out the spookeriffic poster for producer Guillermo Del Toro‘s Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark below. Those hands under the stairs are the movie itself, grasping to reach the surface after getting locked into a film basement, following the sale of Miramax. Now it’s finally escaping into theaters, specifically to grab you by the ankles, on August 26, 2011. Though the poster says the 12th, but that’s just a trick meant to confuse and frighten you.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark follows the story of a young girl who has to live with her father and his new girlfriend, because her mom abandoned her. There’s nothing scarier for kids than the thought of a parent abandoning them… other than evil night goblins. Night goblins is a close #2. Curse you, night goblins. Terrorizing our nation’s children broken home children.

Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes star in the film, directed by Troy Nixey. (Fangoria)

Anyway, they say they’re looking for other networks that might be interested, but it seems a little more likely we’ll just have to wait for DVD instead. Don’t forget your dying king, etc. (via The Hollywood Reporter)

Channing Tatum stars as a cop with some kind of tragedy in his past. He’s working the beat in the Queens housing projects where he was raised until a reporter starts digging up dirt about his childhood and deceased Cop Dad. Al Pacino and Ray Liotta (who didn’t get the mustache memo) serve as his advisors while guarding whatever secret from his past that inevitably won’t have a very good pay off in the end. Also, Katie Holmes is here playing Stressed Out Katie Holmes. And Tracy Morgan will definitely get shot. (MTV)

Good news for people who like Adam Sandler comedies (you know who you are). Katie Holmes and Al Pacino are in talks to join Sandler’s new film, Jack and Jill.

Considering that their film credits include The Godfather, Glengarry Glen Ross, and Batman Begins, Holmes and Pacino make an impressive pair. But not nearly as impressive as the pair Sandler has lined up to write and direct the film, Steven Koren and Dennis Dugan. Their film credits include such classics as Evan Almighty, Grown Ups, and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Holy crap!

What the hell happened to Adam Sandler’s movies? Back in 1995, I remember watching Happy Gilmore after school and laughing my ass off. But now, fifteen years later, it seems like all of his projects are geared toward 12-year olds. What changed? I can’t wrap my head around it. (/Film)

_{Here comes the tickle monster!}

Miramax has released the trailer for Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, a horror film remake written and co-produced by scare guru Guillermo del Toro. I saw this first at Comic-Con (don’t be jealous, it doesn’t suit you), and I’ll admit, the last part made me jump in my seat. But I’m still totally 100% man. They also screened a clip that dealt with teeth and a hammer. Use your imagination. Nope, it was still cooler than that.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark centers on a young girl who is sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend, and if that wasn’t bad enough, she discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own. It’s not to be confused with the old Nickelodeon show “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” even though I’m sure you can find almost the exact story in the archives.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark hits theaters January 21, 2011.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Director: Troy Nixey

Cast: Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes

Synopsis: A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.

Release Date: January 21, 2011

When the plug was pulled on Miramax last year, a few films were sent to the dreaded Disney Vault with little hope of every seeing the light of day. But there is good news for horror fans today.  Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, the Guillermo del Toro-penned and Troy Nixey-directed R-rated remake of the 70′s TV movie classic, will break free from its imprisonment. No longer will it be forced to pay protection money to such D-Vault tough-asses as Tinker Bell and the Fairy Prince and Tigger’s Eighth Movie.

The remake stars Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes as a couple who are placed at risk when Pearce’s daughter accidentally unleashes malevolent creatures in the old mansion they’ve just moved into. Given the R-rating and del Toro’s involvement, this could shape up to be pretty creepy. Though I’m sure Mike Tyson left things far scarier behind when he abandoned his mansion. (EW)