Beckinsale Over Stewart In A Landslide

Kate Beckinsale, besides being sexier than Stewart by a country mile, also knows that “acting” isn’t synonymous with “twitching.”

I don’t really know how to better frame this argument. Oh, wait. A single visual comparison should do the trick.

I wanted to give Stewart a fighting chance, so I found a rare pic of her smiling. Still not even close.

It Started As A Revenge Story, Not A Love Story

At least, I think Twilight was a love story. Those kids didn’t really seem to love much of anything but themselves and their beautiful bodies. The Underworld saga began with Selene (Beckinsale) hunting down the Lycans that supposedly killed her family.

If you’re settling in for a supernatural thriller, would you rather the plot runs more to Kill Bill or Pretty Woman? If your answer is Pretty Woman, you might just want to keep it to yourself. Further, I like my heroes in black body suits and carrying spears, not with bedhead and deep-vee t-shirts.

Beckinsale Trashed Twilight, And That’s Pretty Cool

She said that her daughter Lily’s obsession with the Twilight books almost “ruined Christmas.” I know how you feel, Kate. Every Christmas I’ve had since Twilight was first published has been ruined by sexy vampires. It’s terrible.

Further fanning the flames of this pseudo-rivalry, Beckinsale once claimed that her character Selene would destroy Edward Cullen in a fight. I think even Robert Pattinson would have to agree with that.

Simply A Better Title

Underworld is soooo much better than Twilight. Underworld makes me think about seedy creatures that wouldn’t only try to kill me, but possibly steal my watch and pawn it for drugs. If I’m in Underworld, I’m in for an adventure, unpleasant as it may be.

Twilight conjures up images of old people eating dinner at 5:30 in the fall. Because Twilight makes me think of early evening (pretty much the most unremarkable part of the whole day) and people who are so old that they’re almost dead (again, not terribly exciting).

Then we’ve got the sequels. Both franchises keep their titles, but offer colons (hehe) and a subtitle. Underworld offers Rise of the Lycans, Evolution, and Awakenings.

Twilight gives us New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. Lame. Sounds like a weather report.

Underworld, After Four Films, Remains Lautner-Free

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Taylor Lautner is a nice guy. Actually, no, I’m not sure about that. He could be a jerk. But I’ll assume he’s nice. I’m also comfortable assuming that his mother was a human and his father was a chipmunk.

And no amount of sit-ups can ever change that.

The Lautner situation is a indicative of a bigger rift between the two films. Twilight seems to feature shirtless boys, whereas Underworld has largely spotlighted sexy women, albeit not many topless ones. To each their own, but it’s my list, so I’m giving the go-ahead to the film that features the sexy women killing beasts, rather than the mopey teenage boys pouting.

A controversial stance, no doubt.

Underworld Hasn’t Spawned An Annoying Subculture

If you’re going to counter with “fanboys can be pretty annoying,” then allow me to counter your counter with “the fanboy culture was around long before Underworld dug its talons into it.

Whereas Twilight, with its accessible love stories, and broadly drawn characters, managed to captivate the masses with stories of lame high-school Vampire love. Vampires and werewolves aren’t cool because they fall in love. They’re cool because they get in fights and bite people in the neck and kill them.

Underworld will be viewed as more of a story than a phenomenon, which is what history tends to favor. No people camping out in lines (not many, anyway), and certainly none of this:

Seriously. Kate Beckinsale

If you’re complaining about her inclusion twice, just be grateful that I didn’t include her in all seven entries. Wait. Why would anyone be grateful I didn’t do that?

Weirdo.

Elizabeth Hurley

Elizabeth Hurley has been a screen hottie ever since she bet on black in Passenger 57. Since that debut she has gone on to become a successful actress, model, entrepreneur, and mother of one. She also claims to have not watched television since 1979. That explains why she agreed to appear on Gossip Girl.

Mary Louise Parker

A mother of two in real life, Mary Louise Parker is best known for her role on Showtime’s Weeds where she deals pot and gets naked. Perhaps she’s a method actress? Dear Lord, it would be phenomenal if she were a method actress.

Heidi Klum

This mother of four is recently single and likely to be ready to mingle. Soon she’ll be looking for the perfect partner to play dress up with. If the idea of this gorgeous German model playing dress up turns you on, I should make it clear that I’m referring to her dressing up as a snake slinking through an apple, an alien, and the Hindu goddess Kali as she has done over the past few years on Halloween. If that still turns you on, ewww.

Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Michael Ealy, India Eisley

Synopsis: When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind.

Release Date: January 20, 2012

Click here for all the Sony “Action Unleashed” DVDs!

Selene vs. Michael vs. Viktor , Underworld

The only thing tougher to deal with than a vampire and/or a werewolf is a vampire-werewolf hybrid, as you can see in the character of Michael, who was unfortunately transformed into one. You might not know it to see him fight Elder Vampire Viktor, though, who uses his experience in the field of supernatural ass-kicking to make quick work of him. Thankfully Kate Beckinsale‘s Selene and a big old sword were also present, giving Viktor only a few moments before part of his head gets sliced off the, uh, rest of his head. Ouch.

Michael vs William/Selene vs. Markus, Underworld Evolution

Lots of action movies utilize the technique of two simultaneous fights on two different fronts, and the sequel to Underworld is no different. Vampire twins Markus and William are up against our friends Selene and Michael – with one crucial difference: Selene has recently ingested some wild super vampire blood of her own, which gives her powers she never had before. For example, she pulls a spike out of her chest and drives it through Markus’ head. Michael takes a less elegant approach, opting to tear his guy’s head off. Whatever works.

The trailer also features a short montage of Kate Beckinsale getting dressed. I don’t want to tell you trailer editors how to do your job, but you might want to consider playing that footage backward. And slowly. Oh yeah, that’s more like it.

That makes sense – I would definitely sign up for a potentially dangerous memory implantation if John Cho talked me into it. He’s joining Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, and Ethan Hawke in the movie – or maybe he just THINKS he is. No, he is. In talks to play Kuato, the prophesied hero of the story, is Bill Nighy. I’m sure John Cho would be able to talk him into it. (Entertainment Weekly)

4 photos‘Horrible Bosses’ Posters Showcase Just How Horrible These Bosses Are

Total Recall starts filming in Toronto this June. (Hollywood Reporter, Collider)

No word yet on the nature of the role, except that it will be a “cameo.” I’ve got my fingers crossed that this means Ethan Hawke is playing the three-boobed mutant hooker from the original Total Recall. Unfortunately, it’s possible that the remake won’t even have any mutants, since instead of Earth and Mars the remake is said to involve the future countries of “Euromerica and New Shanghai.” One sec, I have to go make a bunch of “Team Euromerica” and “Team New Shangahi” T-shirts. I have a feeling about this. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Beckinsale has been surprisingly chosen by remake director Len Wiseman, her husband, to play Lori – the quote-unquote-wife of our very confused hero Douglas Quaid, played by Colin Farrell. The role of Lori was originally played by Sharon Stone in the Paul Verhoeven version, which there was absolutely nothing wrong with. Currently, Beckinsale is shooting – another shocker, folks – Underworld 4. So we’ll if she’s too busy Lycan-hunting to take the gig.

Meanwhile, Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson are apparently circling the part of Melina. (Deadline)

Ealy’s character is a police detective that initially hunts Beckinsale’s vampire, only to team up with her. Twist! Ealy has recently acted in Tyler Perry‘s For Colored Girls as an Afghanistan vet who comes home to America with PTSD, and also in Takers. Filming just got underway in Vancouver, so it’s a good thing they annonuced this nugget when they did. Otherwise, Kate Beckinsale would get all the screen time, and who wants to stare at Kate Beckinsale for an hour-and-a-half? Oh. That’s right. Everyone. (Deadline)

Ben Foster and Giovanni Ribisi are close to smuggling their way into the cast of Contraband, Variety is reporting. If the deal goes through, the pair will join Mark Wahlberg and Kate Beckinsale, who have already been cast in the thriller.

The film, a remake of a 2009 Icelandic film about a security guard who is dragged back in to his former life of crime, is being directed by Baltasar Kormakur, who also co-wrote, produced and starred in the original. Without question, it is the finest Icelandic film I’ve ever come across. No, really. It wins, hands down.

Be thorough. Be very, very thorough.

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^{Pew pew! Pew pew pew!!}

After Whiteout turned out to be a washout, Kate Beckinsale is ready to return to the Underworld franchise. The actress has officially signed on to reprise her role of Selene, the hot karate vampire she played in Underworld and Underworld: Evolution. She did not return for the third film in the series, Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans, otherwise known as Cliff-Sex: The Movie.

The search for a director is underway, as Len Wiseman will only return in a producer capacity. There’s also no word yet on what outlandish sex location will be featured this time around. (Coming Soon)

Mark Wahlberg‘s Reykjavik-Rotterdam remake now has a lovely lady amongst its ranks. Kate Beckinsale has joined the cast of Contraband. The film centers on a former smuggler turned security guard who is pulled back in when he can’t resist the opportunity to traffic stolen goods. 2009 Black List scribe Aaron Guzikowski is on script duties, with the star of the original, Baltasar Kormakur, handling the direction.

There’s no word on what role Beckinsale will play in the film, but I’m more interested in what she’s smuggling, if you know what I’m saying.

Boobs. (Latino Review)

What Len Wiseman most likely did this past weekend: watched Mad Max while saying "Awesome" several times, banged his wife Kate Beckinsale, drove really fast, and had a brilliant idea to direct a new take on a post- apocalyptic thriller. Hmmmmmmmm did one of these things influence this "original" idea, Len? 

Wiseman, director of Underworld, Live Free Or Die Hard, and several other movies that are currently floating in the studio system ether, has become attached to the FOX project Nocturne. It’s about a group of people who survive the end of the world and the mystery surrounding how they got through it. Goodness gracious, how do they come up with this stuff? Rod Serling was squeezing these concepts out into a toilet bowl half a century ago.

Writers Jeremy Passmore and Andre Fabrizio have already completed a draft of the script, and FOX has already told them to blow. Maybe they’ll get Roland Emmerich on board to rewrite the script. He’ll alter the concept slightly and turn it into an alien invasion movie. FOX will poor millions into production, market it, release it, and on opening night it’ll suddenly hit them. "Sh*t, we just remade Independence Day!"

It’ll make millions. Len Wiseman will laugh. And bang his wife Kate Beckinsale.