The Jona Brothers, Steve Harvey Paul Giamatti and the return of Sgt. Slaughter. Not only are they all on TV tonight but they were also all in my dream last night. The recurring one where I lead a rag-tag football team to victory in the All-City Championship. Go Warthogs!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2009
Network: FOX
Time: 8 – 10pm

Reasons to watch: You should only watch this if your remote is lost and there’s a croc-filled moat between your couch and your television.
 

STEVE HARVEY: STILL TRIPPIN’
Network: BET
Time: 8 – 10:30pm
 

Reasons to watch: After all these years, Steve Harvey has still not found a cure for his trippin’ affliction. Trippin’itis effects thousands of Americans per year and it makes it virtually impossible to carry several chocolate cakes at once. Please tune in tonight and help raise awareness about this debilitating condition.

GOING POSTAL: 15 MOST SHOCKING ACTS OF VIOLENCE
Network: E!
Time: 8 – 10pm

Reasons to watch: Apparently the ‘E’ stands for ‘exploitation’ as the vapid gossip network ranks various school shootings and other national tragedies in order of popularity. This is a weird move for the channel. When I think E! and violence, I think Naomi Campbell throwing phones, not Hitler youth throwing pipe bombs.
 

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Network: USA
Time: 9 – 11pm

Reasons to watch: Sergeant Slaughter punches his way out of whatever rock pile he’s been hiding under to host tonight’s episode of RAW. It’s nice to know that even in this turbulent economy with unemployment numbers soaring past any others in recorded history that Sergeant Slaughter is getting work. I was worried for him but now I can breathe.
 

ANIMAL COPS: PHOENIX
Network: Animal Planet
Time: 10 – 11pm

Reasons to watch: A dog left for dead is rushed to the hospital and a puppy owner disputes the need for a professional to apply a splint to her pet’s broken leg. Question, what the hell is going on in Phoenix that a show about abused animals was able to have enough footage to make a weekly spin-off set in their city? Is Michael Vick the mayor?
 

CHARLIE ROSE
Network: PBS
Time: 11pm – 12am

Reasons to watch: Tonight the iconic interviewer sits down with Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales and Hypno-Toad look-alike Paul Giamatti.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Paris Hilton, Steven Wright, jockey Calvin Borel

CONAN
Kyra Sedgewick, Hugh Dancy, Lyle Lovett

KIMMEL (repeat)
Zooey Deschanel, Al Sharpton, Jewel

FERGUSON
Carrot Top (?), Alexis Bledel

FALLON
Eric Bana, Jordana Spiro, Fall Out Boy