Deadline reports that Angus T. Jones, who previously talked mad sh*t about the sitcom, won’t be returning as a regular. Jones may appear as a recurring character around his college schedule but that deal has not been locked in yet.

Jones’ departure is not surprising. He had indicated his desire to go to college and originally planned to leave after last season until he had a change of heart at the last minute and signed on to return. But with his character Jake in the Army, Jones has appeared only sporadically on the show this season. And then there was the young actor’s ill-advised comments in a religious video testimonial, in which he called Two And A Half Men “filth,” which went viral in November. Jones later apologized and subsequently returned to work.

Now, back to the monkey paw theory. Both Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer will return to spew drivel for salaries of $700K per episode. There’s no way that they enjoy the work. Even if it had the best writing on television, eleven years is a prison sentence. Somebody needs to find the monkey paw Jon Cryer wished upon and destroy. For his sake and ours.

Oh, capricious youth!

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked and over the past 10 years who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them. I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

If you listen carefully after reading that last press release sentence aloud, you can hear God audibly exhale, knowing that Angus T. Young is doing his work. Then if you listen even more closely following that, you will hear Charlie Sheen, faintly, but audibly, moan as he reaches climax while inhaling off of a crack pipe.

Following the comments to the photographer, Charlie Sheen crossed his arms over his chest, tucked into a blur spin, then flew off the planet.

It’s hard to know what Sheen is most critical about without watching the program, which is something that I’m just not going to do. Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher‘s floppy hair. That sure bugs me a lot, and sometimes I find it disrespectful to my legacy.

This statement is indicative of just another wild 180 that we have grown to love from the crack-smoking, hooker-banging former star of the show. Following the season premiere of Two and a Half Men starring Ashton Kutcher in his stead, Sheen claimed that he “loved,” the show, but seems to have changed his mind. What changed since the first episode? If you know, please post in the comments, but know that you will be outed as a Two and a Half Men-watcher.

TMZ reports that Charlie’s character, “Charlie,” will be pushed off a subway platform in Paris by Rose, who he married in Paris offscreen. So rather than do something crazy, ridiculous, and spiteful, which we all wanted, they went in a direction that actually ties to some other plot points, which is disappointing, but not necessarily a surprise. I don’t know who Rose is, and I don’t want to know. I mean, I like her because she killed off a Two and a Half Men character, but he was the only interesting one.

So I forfeit the $10 I had in the Charlie Harper death pool, with $5 on “getting stuck to death while allergic to bees like Macauley Culkin in My Girl” and “decapitated by Jon Cryer in CGI cage match.” I could have used that money, too.

Of course, without Sheen, that only leaves, at most, 1.5 men, so the rumor mill is halfheartedly churning out speculation as to who the next warm body will be to fill Sheen’s skanky, skanky shoes. The names currently being tossed around are Woody Harrelson, Jeremy Piven, and Bob Saget, but a Warner Bros. rep says none of those guys are in the running. Some insiders are speculating a “roommate” scenario where guest stars appear for an episode or two as roommates, then take off. This concept sounds ridiculously far-fetched until you think about how long you would be able to handle living with Jon Cryer. A week or two sounds about right.

The show is expected to come back mid-season, but with no word on the fat kid’s involvement. (THR)

If you’ve ever watched “Two and a Half Men” and thought you saw some long pink hairs popping out of Jon Cryer‘s head, now you know there was nothing wrong with your TV set. Except for the fact that you were watching “Two and a Half Men.”

Jon Cryer told Conan O’Brien on a new “Conan” that, like Charlie Sheen said/blurted/gibberished, he really is a troll. Of course, in a later interview, Sheen quasi-took back the insult, but now it’s time for Cryer to come clean:

“The truth is that there’s not a lot of tolerance for people like me, especially in Hollywood,” he quipped. “To avoid ignorance and bullying, I’ve had to hide the fact that I’m a troll. You have no idea how much time and money I’ve spent on electrolysis and hair dye and reconstructive surgery so I can look like this [pointing to himself], instead of this,” he said as a image of a Cryer with pink Troll doll hair and eyes flashed on the screen.

So Cryer finally admitted he was gay. Good for him. Oh wait, he said “troll” and it’s all just a talk show goofaround? Nevermind…

You can watch a clip above. For more, there’s a longer version at Hollywood Reporter.

As you probably know, “Two and a Half Men” has been canceled for the remainder of the season. Producers decided to pull the plug after Charlie Sheen’s latest radio rant, in which he called the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, a turd, and went on to call President Thomas Jefferson a pussy. Granted, Jefferson was a bit of a douche bag about the whole Federalism thing. But even so, bad form, Charles.

Since it looks like we won’t be seeing new episodes of “Two and a Half Men” any time soon, if ever (fingers crossed), we decided that now would be a great time to take a look back fondly at the five greatest “Two and a Half Men” moments. Yes, it was difficult, but we actually found five.

5. No Studio Audience

In January, 2010, production of the show was forced to move ahead without a studio audience. The decision was made out of concern for the safety of actor Jon Cryer who feared his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger, was trying to have him killed. While viewers at home were eventually subjected to the horror, the would-be studio audience members were spared from sitting through the grueling ordeal.

4. Production Halted

In February of 2010, a few months after Sheen was arrested for fighting with his wife, the actor voluntarily entered rehab, causing production of the show to temporarily shut down. For a while, at least, television seemed a little less shitty.

3. Sheen Threatens to Walk Away

In April of 2010, Sheen threatened to walk away from the show after seven seasons. As it turned out, Sheen was simply holding out for more money from the network. But for a brief moment in time, it seemed possible that the show might be going off the air.

2. Production of “Two and a Half Men” Goes On Hiatus

After Charlie Sheen took part in yet another coke/porn star bender, he was rushed to the hospital with stomach pains. As a result, Sheen made arrangements to go into rehab, and production of the show was once again put on a temporary hiatus. Aside form the cast and crew who would not be paid for the time off, there was much rejoicing.

1. The Remainder of “Two and a Half Men” Season 8 is Canceled

On February 24th, 2011, CBS pulled the plug on the remainder of “Two and a Half Men” season 8, and comedy fans around the world cheered in unison. Of course, this does not take the lingering threat of season 9 off the table. But at the rate Charlie is going, chances are the show will have to be renamed “One and a Half Men and the Bloated Corpse of a Drug-Addled Deviant.”

^{"Let me in!! I’m being MURDERED!!!"}

Jon Cryer must be a really good husband because it seems his ex-wife doesn’t want to share him with the world. Earlier this year, an episode of Two and a Half Men was taped without a studio audience because Jon Cryer feared his ex-wife hired an assassin to kill him. Thus, depriving us of the most interesting thing that could possibly happen in that studio. I ask you this, does this look like the face of a woman who dreams of murder?

Well, she doesn’t think so. Here’s her side of the story:

Trigger’s lawyer claims on December 21, 2009, Trigger told her that her ex-boyfriend, Eddie Sanchez, had said he was going to kill Cryer and Trigger’s estranged husband, David Dickey.

Trigger’s lawyer became so alarmed she contacted lawyers for both Cryer and Dickey. On January 10, Dickey confronted Sanchez. According to legal docs, “Mr. Sanchez not only flatly denied making such a statement, but he said that it was [Sarah Trigger] who had contacted him on numerous occasions, stating that she wanted to see the pair [Cryer and Dickey] dead, and even asking Mr. Sanchez if he would kill the pair, or if he would not, inquiring whether she could speak with Mr. Sanchez’s father about this issue.”

Sounds scary and stressful for Cryer. If he had any smarts he would disguise himself as a teenager and hide out at his nephew’s high school immediately. (TMZ)