I never was one to believe that death haunts people like in Final Destination, but in this instance, the inconvenience and frustration of a crumpled front end was an inevitability, and it comes to me later in the day in the form of a revitalized John Gotti biopic directed by Joe “Generic Name” Johnson and starring John Travolta.

You can’t cheat fate. There’s a whole saga behind this thing that you really don’t want to get into, as it involves Lohan, Kardashian, and Joe Pesci coming out of retirement, then suing the producers because he got too fat. Ok. Maybe you do want to revisit it.

It sounds pretty funny.

Maybe it’s all BS. However if there is a takeaway in all of this, it is that it’s probably a good idea to use Purell after shaking hands with John Travolta. Just to be safe. Every job has its hazards as I’m sure massage professionals are well aware. John Travolta isn’t the first celebrity to be wrapped up in a sex scandal with a professional body rubber. In fact, here are five notable men who have rubbed a massage therapist the wrong way.

Kevin Costner

Kevin Costner (who takes awesome pictures) found himself in trouble in 2006 after receiving a massage at the Old Course Hotel in St. Andrews, Scotland. The masseuse alleges that Costner performed a solo sex act while in her presence. She alleged that he “kept putting his hand underneath his towel’, and when she began to massage his head he “grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel and exposed himself’. The case went away when the woman received an out-of-court settlement.

Al Gore

Though she never named him by name, a Portland massage therapist called her friend hours after being sexually-assaulted by “someone in the higher ups.” It was actually the friend of the victim who alleged the attacker was Al Gore. She put two and two together when her friend freaked out upon the news Gore was returning to Portland years later. “She freaked and split. She said her predator was back and coming to town. She up and left,” said Donna Burleigh. “She said it was a high authority person who has a lot of power. She was scared of him.” Well, yeah. He invented the Internet. Last thing she wants is Anonymous on her ass.

A male masseuse is suing Travolta for $2 million after the actor allegedly tried to have sex with him. When those efforts were rebuffed, Travolta tried to feel the guys penis and masturbated in front of him. Details of the suit from Daily Mail:

The lawsuit includes explicit details of the alleged encounter which is said to have occurred after the actor responded anonymously to an online ad for $200 an hour appointment.
The masseur claims he was instructed to meet with the actor in a black Lexus SUV.
Travolta, who allegedly had Trojan condoms in the console of the car, is then said to have driven to the Beverly Hills Hotel and entered Travolta’s bungalow.
The suit claims Travolta stripped naked and appeared aroused (then) began rubbing the masseur’s leg an hour into the session, then touched his scrotum and his penis.
The masseur claims when he told Travolta he did not have sex with clients, the actor offered to do a ‘reverse massage.’
The suit claims Travolta then masturbated.

What’s unclear to me is how Travolta had access to the masseur’s scrotum and penis. Is he a naked masseur? If so, that sends a certain message. At any rate, I can’t help but feel bad for the masseur. Asking a massage professional for sex really undercuts the services they provide. It would be like asking Travolta to do the Vinnie Barbarino voice.

And yes, this article is a bit more gossipy than we tend to get around here but I post for good reason. In matters like these, it’s important that we consider all angles and not impugn the accused without verifiable evidence. If you ask me, this sounds much more like the work of Nicolas Cage wearing Travolta’s face.

It actually makes a lot of sense when you don’t think about it.

Well, all the fascinating weirdness and indefensible casting decisions (such as hiring the entire Travolta family) have taken their toll, Showbiz411 reports. Producer Marco Fiore has been unable to get funding for the film as promised, so the actors haven’t been paid, so the work has stopped.

Why has financing the film been so difficult?

Perhaps it’s because:

The film has John Travolta playing a mob boss.

Kim Kardashian was rumored to be involved.

As was Lindsay Lohan.

Director Nick Cassavettes walked away from the project.

As did Lindsay Lohan.

Barry Levinson then stepped in.

John Travolta cast his whole family. 

Joe Pesci was fired from the project, even after he got fat for a role. 

Hmm. It’s almost hard to believe that this production isn’t inspiring confidence in potential investors.

Well, pretty much anyone can portray Frankenstein. I could get a Golden Globe nod for my performance if the director just gave me three Xanax, a 1″ lift in my right shoe, and a burn on the roof of my mouth with a Bagel Bite just out of the oven. So with the playing field being equal, it comes down to looks.

“What has two thumbs and sort of looks like Frankenstein? These guys!”

Truthfully, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trejo was missing a thumb.

9. Matt Dillon

He may be in a tie with #8 for the best-looking guy on this list, but still Frankenstein-esque. He also speaks with a deep enough voice that when I’m watching Wild Things while writing (which is most days), I sometimes get startled and need to look up to reassure myself that Denise Richards and Neve Campbell aren’t having a threeway with Frankenstein, because that would just drive me up the wall with sexiness.

8. David Boreanz

Photo generously on loan from the Penn Collins private collection.

Bones could be Frankenstein. I’m aware that Bones is actually the girl on the show of the same name, but it’s just easier for me if I call everyone on that show Bones, as it prevents me from having to learn anything about the show Bones.

7. Danny Trejo

Danny Trejo looks like he has been stitched together a la Frankenstein, complete with baseball glove-type skin. I don’t think Frankenstein had a tattoo on his chest, but the news of Levy’s attachment doesn’t say when the film is set. 2011 Frankenstein in Williamsburg, Brooklyn could totally have a chest tattoo.

“Frankenstein need pick up American Spirits before Frankenstein go ironic barbecue.”

According to some guy in Bulgaria, the cast will consist of Stallone, Jason Statham, John Travolta, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis. Take this news with a grain of salt because it’s far from an official announcement but it would be pretty cool to see. No plot details have been given either, but let’s assume that Stallone and the other guys have to go up against Chuck Norris. They lose, of course. But that would be a fun fight to watch for a few minutes. (via Collider)

He’s joining John Travolta, Joe Pesci, and if her luck holds out, Lindsay Lohan, with Barry Levinson directing. If you’re having trouble visualizing Pacino playing a gangster, you’ll have to wait until late 2012 to see it happen. Me, I’ll just be watching S1m0ne again. He’s so funny in that.

With enough makeup, I suppose that Kelly Preston could pass for a mob wife, but wasn’t there a simpler solution? Does she fit the role so well that the producers are willing to suffer allegations of nepotism here just so she can get the part?

More to the point, is this an act of nepotism? I’m inclined to think it’s actually not, if only because it’s so egregious that, were it to be, it would completely shred whatever credibility this film has after cycling through directors and playing the Lindsay Lohan hot potato game. If it’s not nepotism, then why the hell did they do this? Dare I ask if Scientology is at play here?

I realize this piece probably raises more questions than it answers in light of this news, but if you thought casting John Travolta as a feared real-life mob boss was a strange decision, then bringing in the rest of his clan will make you scratch your head until it starts to bleed. Which is just gross. (EW)

It appears that Travolta also has a one year-old son named Benjamin. Don’t be surprised if he has a cameo as a baby or a football or something.

The Savages is about two California potheads (Aaron Johnson and Taylor Kitsch), whose communal girl-pool Ophelia (Lively) gets kidnapped by a badass Mexican drug cartel, forcing the two top dealers to work for them. And that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs, you guys. Cause bad guys played by Salma Hayek and Benicio Del Toro will come after you and the hot girl you share with your pal. You’ve been warned.

The Savages begins production this July. (Deadline)

The producers of the movie Gotti: Three Generations just aren’t able to handle the supernova star power of Lindsay Lohan. Here’s one of them, Marc Fiore, in a statement:

“We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people [for the role].”

Well let me tell YOU something, Marc Fiore. It’s your loss. Your loss! Lindsay Lohan doesn’t even want to play a stupid Gotti, so she’s glad that “the various demands of her management team just got out of control.” Glad!

The producers are also looking for a new director, after the previously attached Nick Cassavetes left to do other things. Perhaps he really wants to work with Lohan? The John Travolta-starring movie is scheduled to begin filming in the fall, provided that Lohan’s army of fans don’t riot to prevent this. (The Hollywood Reporter)

The producers are also reportedly in talks with someone to play John Gotti, Jr., but aren’t “ready to announce the actor” who’s getting the part. Maybe James Franco? It wouldn’t be unheard of. Nick Cassavetes is directing all the characters shouting at each other from the point of view of Gotti’s son, so it will probably be something approaching a lead role. I hope it is Franco, he needs the work. (ComingSoon)

It all seems to be coming together as Nick Cassavetes has also signed on to direct. An offer went out to James Franco to play John Gotti Jr., but there are no updates on that casting. We’re also not sure who will play the grandsons who starred in the reality series “Growing Up Gotti.” But let’s just assume Fiore has offers out to the cast of”Jersey Shore.” It’s really not that outlandish of an idea when you consider Kim Kardashian is in the running. (Variety)

Looks like they’re looking to get the band back together for one of two projects. The first is Shrapnel (which had jailbird John McTiernan attached), about a Bosnian soldier looking for revenge on the American soldier who wounded him. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!!

The second project to draw notice from their collective hive-eye is Sea Trial. The yacht-based thriller is centered around two couples on a romantic getaway. Things turn gnarly, however, when one of the couples isn’t who they appear to be. I’m just really afraid for those poor actresses. Why anyone would ever get on a boat with either of those wackos, I don’t not know.

Honestly, I’d like to see both these films. As one has potential for face removal and the other has the potential for another jet ski chase. Can we just remake Face/Off shot for shot with the original cast? Nobody would mind. (Vulture)

As much as I hate the idea of Kim Kardashian being involved with anything ever, this choice seems to be somewhat appropriate. I have never seen, met, or even heard of Kim Gotti before this news, but I’m willing to bet she acts exactly like Kim Kardashian does in real life, thus precluding the need for Kim K. to act at all. Plus, the character’s name is Kim, so Kardashian won’t get confused when taking directions; she can just respond to her name in the dialogue, much like she does when she’s not acting. Perfect.

Since no other cast has been announced or rumored, I will curl up with the thought of Travolta’s John Sr. and Kardashian’s Kim in a tense scene.

John: Oh mah gahd, Kim! Sammy the Bull ratted me out!

Kim: (audible mouth breathing)

John: Kim?

Kim: (looks up quickly, gently caresses left breast like she has been taught)

Director: That’s good, I guess. Cut.

(TMZ)

Travolta has had a serious sit down with Marc Fiore – CEO of Fiore Films LLC – about starring as the head of New York City’s Gambino crime family. Nick Cassavetes is in talks to direct and a script has been sent to James Franco, with interest in him portraying John Gotti Jr..

The Gotti Family has been hired to consult on the film so I will end my jokes and wise-ass comments right here. Sounds like a nice film about a hard working bunch of folks. Anyone else looking forward to the Super Bowl? (EW)

We all know that Battlefield Earth is bad. Like, worse than stuff on Fox Family bad. In fact, it won the "Worst Movie of the Decade" Razzie this month. An award that screenwriter J.D. Shapiro showed up to pick up in person. In today’s New York Post, Shapiro wrote an apology that’s ten years overdue. Think of all the people who went to their graves without this much-needed mea culpa. He also provided some backstory to explain how the turd was squeezed onto screens. Naturally, his penis is to blame:

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker. It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

So a grown man who refers to his penis as his Willy Wonker wanted to get some crazy tail and as a result was hired to write a $100 million movie. And that led to Forest Whitaker wearing dreadlocks and Travolta talking like a castmember of Zoobilee Zoo. Hooray for Hollywood.

You can read Shapiro’s full piece at the NY Post. But be warned, you’ll have to grit your teeth and suffer through his jokes. They’re worse than ours.

_{So many Kim Cattralls, so few bullets!}

Fresh off of informing you that Taken director Pierre Morel is taking over directing duties on the new Dune film, we get a second look at his most recent effort, From Paris With Love. In it, John Travolta plays one of those spy guys who breaks the rules, and doesn’t play nice, and all that stuff. His father probably cracked beer bottles over his head when he was a just a little spy and now he’s taking it out on a factory full of mannequins. These inconsiderate pricks never think that someone owns that factory. Oh, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers is the guy that can’t believe John Travolta’s character is such a rebel. If you’d like a more official synopsis:

A low-ranking intelligence operative working in the office of the U.S. Ambassador in France takes on more than he bargained for when he partners with a wisecracking, fast-shooting, high-ranking U.S. agent  who’s been sent to Paris to stop a terrorist attack.

So basically what I said.

From Paris With Love starring Travolta and his off-putting new look hits theaters February 5th. Check out the trailer after the jump.

From Paris With Love Trailer 2 – Watch more Funny Videos

(via Apple)

Cast: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Synopsis: A low-ranking intelligence operative working in the office of the U.S. Ambassador in France takes on more than he bargained for when he partners with a wisecracking, fast-shooting, high-ranking U.S. agent who’s been sent to Paris to stop a terrorist attack.

Cast: Robin Williams, John Travolta, Seth Green

Synopsis: Two friends and business partners find their lives turned upside down when strange circumstances lead to them being placed in the care of 7-year-old twins.