As you probably already know, Charlie Sheen’s publicist, Stan Rosenfield, has confirmed that the actor is in the hospital with severe abdominal pains. TMZ is reporting that Sheen landed there after partaking in a 36-hour cocaine binge. Something tells me that said publicist will probably have a different story to tell. Here are nine excuses we’re probably about to hear.

He ate too much of John Cryer’s delicious homemade strawberry jam.

He’s grieving over the loss of his favorite bowling shirt.

He suffered a 3rd degree Indian burn while roughhousing with his brother Emilio.

He went in the pool less than 15 minutes after eating out…

He’s busy researching a role for an upcoming biopic of Chris Penn.

He got sucker punched after making one-too-many Shamu jokes to the kid from “Two and a Half Men.”

The briefcase delivered to Mr. Sheen’s house contained bricks of anthrax, not cocaine. Big misunderstanding.

He’s rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams, and he still isn’t happy, so he’s trying to fill the void with drugs and sex. Duh!

It’s complicated.