However, it’s not like Seth is going to step down without suggesting a replacement to returning producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron. His suggestion? Joaquin Phoenix.

Although Joaquin Phoenix would be a very bizarre choice out of context, in light of the past two years of hosts, the beardy weirdo would seem like the logical move. Instead of speeches and comedy bits, Phoenix could stare at the crowd and intermittently sip from the water bottle.

Can’t no one get offended by that!

Phoenix, who has avoided any press tour or politicking for The Master, now tells Interview magazine.

“Have you ever smoked a dog’s skeleton? Exhilarating.”

Oops. That’s actually not from Interview. That’s his outgoing voicemail. Here’s the actual quote.

“I’m just saying that I think it’s bullshit. I think it’s total, utter bullshit, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t believe in it. It’s a carrot, but it’s the worst-tasting carrot I’ve ever tasted in my whole life. I don’t want this carrot. It’s totally subjective. Pitting people against each other…It’s the stupidest thing in the whole world,” he says. “It was one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life when Walk the Line was going through all the awards stuff and all that. I never want to have that experience again. I don’t know how to explain it—and it’s not like I’m in this place where I think I’m just above it—but I just don’t ever want to get comfortable with that part of things.”

Fair enough. Phoenix has been around long enough to play by his own rules and with two nominations under his belt, he has a suitable amount of perspective to inform his decision. Plus, once you have a guy poop on you, awards and superlatives really lose their luster. It changes a man.

7 photosAmy Adams

The good news here is that when Close and Dourif call up their parents to tell them the good news, they can just say they’re in The Master, not “the Scientology movie” or whatever. Just The Master. (Variety)

7 photosAmy Adams

“Hoffman stars as a man who returns after witnessing the horrors of WWII and tries to rediscover who he is in post-war America. He creates a belief system, something that catches on with other lost souls.”

Man, I should start a belief system. Lot of money in that. (The Film Stage)

7 photosAmy Adams

Megan Ellison‘s Annapurna Pictures is financing and The Weinstein Company will distribute. (Variety)

Phoenix is joining Philip Seymour Hoffman in the titular role, and the movie, which is still being funded by Megan Ellison, starts shooting in June. By the way, Anderson has made some pretty drastic changed to the script (including the aforementioned title change) – here’s a new plot synopsis:

“Hoffman stars as a man who returns after witnessing the horrors of WWII and tries to rediscover who he is in post-war America. He creates a belief system, something that catches on with other lost souls.”

So it looks like the Scientology influence is still there, but maybe it’s been downplayed slightly? I guess we’ll have to wait and see to find out. Hail Xenu! (Deadline)

Since the project is hush-hush at the moment, it’ unknown whether or not this is a lead role, but I’m comfortable assuming it is until I hear otherwise.

I hope these talks pan out, as Phoenix is a gifted actor who has eaten a lot of shit (rightfully so) for the cinematic abortion that was I’m Still Here. This seems to be the perfect vehicle for a turnaround, as P.T. Anderson films have a way of enveloping actors to the exclusion of their off-screen personas (think Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights). Lord knows the past two years have shown us that Phoenix can play drunk.

Akira

Andrew Garfield, James McAvoy and Robert Pattinson have been given the current draft of Akira, re-written by Steve Kloves. They’re all up for the lead role of Tetsuo. If the audition requires shirtlessness, Pattinson’s got the experience edge. Meanwhile, for the role of Kaneda, Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake, Garrett Hedlund, Michael Fassbender and Joaquin Phoenix are under consideration.

The story takes place in the very distant future – 2019 – where a bike gang leader must save his buddy from becoming the victim of a medical experiment. Warner Bros. and director Albert Hughes (From Hell) are excited about the new draft, though probably Albert’s co-director brother Allen is not, since he’s been left out of the picture. Or maybe he too became the victim of a medical experiment somewhere in Neo-Tokyo. (Deadline)

The actor-turned-rapper-turned-actor-once-again is the lead choice to play Honest Abe’s mentor in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, an adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith‘s goofvel (a novel that’s just a big ol’ goof). His first bit of advice for the President? Quit being President to start a career as a vampire hunter, then tell everyone it was just a weird joke.

Lincoln is set to be played by actor-elect Benjamin Walker and Tim Burton will produce. (Deadline)

Believe it or not, he’s not playing every role in the film. He’s reached out to Richard Jenkins, Michael Shannon, Joaquin Phoenix, and Paul Dano to fill out the potential cast. I say potential because if someone shows his Eddie Murphy’s work in the Nutty Professor films between now and then, plans will probably change.

At this rate, the poor thing is going to suffer dehydration before he gets the chance to present himself the Oscar for Best Actor at the ceremony that he is also hosting. Somebody please make sure this guy gets a CapriSun. (MTV)

Government bureaucracy isn’t normally depicted as the sexiest of career paths, but Charlize Theron might soon change that. She’s been offered the role of Helen Gandy, eccentric FBI man J. Edgar Hoover’s personal assistant, in Clint Eastwood’s greatly anticipated Hoover biopic, with Leo DiCaprio already cast as J. Edgar himself. Also in talks to join the cast is Armie Hammer, the guy who played those rich, blond twins a.k.a. The Winklevi in The Social Network. He would portray Clyde Tolson, Hoover’s right-hand-man and rumored lover. Eastwood previously offered the part of Tolson to professional crazy person Joaquin Phoenix, who reportedly turned it down after learning that the role would require him to do more than just stare at things intensely. (Vulture)

^{Insert penises here.}

Now that’s he’s officially not actually crazy or a rapper, Clint Eastwood has been squintily-eyeing Joaquin Phoenix as his boy-toy. It’s not what you think, you guys. He just wants to watch he and Leonardo DiCaprio make out a bit. Maybe some ass-play. And he’s going to film it. But don’t worry, it’s totally on the up and up.

Eastwood wants Phoenix to play Clyde Tolson, the rumored lover of J. Edgar Hoover in the Hoover biopic that he is setting up. Neither DiCaprio nor Phoenix have agreed to appear in the film yet (or the ass-play), but how could they turn this down? They sounds like a complex roles in a really interesting film. One that I plan on watching (when my girlfriend is out of town). (Vulture)

Breaking News: Casey Affleck has admitted that his Joaquin Phoenix documentary, I’m Still Here, is fake. Affleck followed that bombshell by admitting that he and Ben Affleck ar brothers, and that he really likes Boston. He then went on to give the dumbest quote in the history of man (or in at least the past two days):

“I never intended to trick anybody…The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

Really, that’s weird. Usually when I’m lying out my teeth while taking part in an elaborate hoax, it crosses my mind. Then again, I’m not the type of person who says "quote/unquote" out loud, so maybe I can’t relate because I’m not a pretentious #sshole. Although I find that hard to believe, considering my love of A Prairie Home Companion…the radio show, of course, not the movie. (NYT via /Film)

^{Smells like Oscar.}

Now that his totally not-staged downward spiral documentary I’m Still Here is playing before audiences, Joaquin Phoenix is ready to get back in the game. He’s set to star in Big Shoe, a movie that focuses on a shoe fetishist who is also a talented footwear designer. Which could or could not be gross. On the one hand, it’s healthy to be invested in what you do for a living. On the other, I’m proud of that Photoshop I did up above, but I didn’t choke-fap while creating it. I save that kind of bahavior for the Girl Gallery. (THR)

We finally have a first look at I’m Still Here, the "documentary" that chronicles Joaquin Phoenix‘s slow transformation into Zach Galifianakis. Directed by Casey Affleck, we’re given a front row seat to Phoenix’s imaginary breakdown. Absolutely riveting (in an imaginary way).

The trailer has a pretty cool voice-over. Is that Edward James Olmos? I think it is. If so, somebody get that guy a job selling Ford trucks immediately.

Check it out after the jump…

Director: Casey Affleck

Cast: Joaquin Phoenix

Synopsis: A documentary on Joaquin Phoenix‘s transition from the acting world to a career as an aspiring rapper. 

Release Date: September 10th 2010

^{"You serious, bro?"}

A little backstory: Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard, quit acting, started rapping, and Casey Affleck was there with a camera to capture it all. Online speculation has been that the entire breakdown is fake (and crazy). Now, we will have the opportunity to judge for ourselves this September.

Deadline reports that Magnolia has bought the distribution rights to Casey Affleck’s I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix. Or, as it should be called I Get Pooped On: That Time Somebody Pooped On Joaquin Phoenix.  That’s right. The film is said to include cocaine use, hookers, oral sex with a publicist, loads of full frontal male nudity, and somebody poops on Joaquin as he sleeps. We’re not naming any names, but c’mon.

Here’s a rumor from the "so stupid it might be true" department. “Reliable sources” are claiming that rapper Joaquin Phoenix, who actually started out as an actor, may replace Ed Norton as the Incredible Hulk in The Avengers.

On Friday, Marvel started a war of words, claiming that it dropped Norton from the project in order to find "an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members.” Given that description, is Joaquin Phoenix really the guy you want?

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t doubt the creativity of a man who’s spent the past year looking like a drug-addled version of Judge Roy Bean. But considering he can barely make it through a one-on-one interview with David Letterman, does Phoenix really "embody" the "collaborative spirit" you’re looking for? Well, does it, Marvel? ANSWER ME? (Cinema Blend)