Demi Moore – Striptease

Word on the street was that Demi Moore made $12 million to play a stripper in this (tragically) PG-13 rated film, breaking the record for biggest single payday to an actress. Unfortunately, if you’re not going full-frontal, you’re going to leave a lot of people wondering what exactly the point of a stripper movie is.

I don’t know, because I never saw it. And I wasn’t alone, as the giant payday seemed to be just more money down the drain as this film didn’t appeal to the perverts, certainly not families, and the “single mom” plotline didn’t do much to win the hearts and minds of single-parent families anywhere, so the nation let out a catcall at Demi’s tight body on the billboards and magazine ads, then forget about the whole damn thing.

Salma Hayek – Dogma

It’s not often that a stripper can serve as a genuine muse. For the most part, they just convince you to buy them a Mustang convertible so they can drop out of dental hygienist school. But Salma shows the way to the protagonists in Dogma, and does so by looking pretty damn good in pigtails while shaking her shit to “Candy Girl” by New Edition.

Natalie Portman – Closer

It’s not easy to get past all the emotional baggage that runs rampant in this film about lust and infidelity, but if you divorce yourself from those emotions (you know, like a sociopath), then maybe you can just take her at face value. By that I mean you’ll enjoy her body and pink wig. Clive Owen sure did.

It was also in this film that Natalie Portman, wig and all, drew the inevitable comparisons to Julia Roberts. I think she’s got Pretty Woman beat by a country mile, but it isn’t about me. It’s about you, dear reader. Is there any chance that Julia Roberts has out-sexied Natalie at any point of their careers?

Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls

Elizabeth Berkley makes the cut not because I carry a fondness for Jessie Spano, but because her Nomi character exhibits qualities I often find in other strippers. Namely, she’s dumb and I don’t care about her.

While her tale was ostensibly supposed to be a tragic one about a dancer who lost her way while pursuing stardom in Vegas, she doesn’t manage to evoke much sympathy. Rather, she just makes us nod our heads and say, “Yup. That’s what happens when you’re that special combination of naïve, credulous, and dumb. You get eaten alive.” Fortunately, it’s not all life lessons, as she has some truly bizarre sex in a swimming pool that is probably the most memorable scene of a not-at-all memorable film.

Salma Hayek – From Dusk Till Dawn

Two entries for Selma! Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to get her typecast over and over and over again as a stripper, but it did mean we got to see her shake that ass in a bikini all over during two separate and wildly disparate films. Robert Rodriquez’s From Dusk Til Dawn could very well serve as the anti-Dogma. Rather than playing a helpful muse, Hayek’s Dawn character gets turned on by the site of blood and instigates a bar-wide feeding frenzy that kills just about everyone.

Which Hayek stripper was sexier? That’s just a matter of taste.

Jessica Alba – Sin City

In yet another instance of America watering down the greatest things in the nation to appease the bland taupe tastes of the masses, Alba’s character had been drawn nude in the Frank Miller graphic novels, you know, because she’s a stripper. Well, Alba thought that her appearing nude would upset her father, which is probably true, but it would also likely delight millions of other men. If you want to make a sexy stripper omelet, ya gotta break some stripper eggs.

Covered breasts aside, Alba, like so many other actors in this film, offers a sultry side that many didn’t think she had in her.

Strangely, out of the five entrants here (with Hayek getting two nods), only one – Berkeley – got topless for her role as a stripper, suggesting that maybe these women aren’t as method as we had hoped. In the future, as much as we like seeing our favorite stars taking the stage, we should root for the relative unknowns so that we’re not stuck with something like Lindsay Lohan’s I Know Who Killed Me, a film so bad I wasn’t even sure I wanted to mention it. Terrible stuff. Do. Not. Watch.

But the other’s on this list are good for some mild erotica like it’s 7th grade up in this piece.

Still don’t believe us? As a service to our female readers, we’ve compiled this list of actresses ruined by their pregnancies. Plan accordingly ladies.

Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba hasn’t racked up the movie roles since giving birth to her first daughter four years ago. You may be inclined to blame that on The Love Guru but I think it’s clear what happened here. Having a child ruined her.

Take the above photo from the January 2012 issue of InStyle Australia for instance. Note the fatigue in the mother of two’s hair. No doubt the result of getting two hours of sleep a night. It’s safe to say had she not become a mother, she’d be able to make it into the American version of InStyle and The Love Guru would have Oscars.

Heidi Klum

Supermodel and mother of four, Heidi Klum, appeared naked in the May 2012 issue of Allure and the results weren’t pretty. Would you look at that? Having children completely drained her vibrancy and color. Now she’s forced to always appear black and white. It’s sad.

Angelina Jolie

Now Angelina Jolie had the right idea. Rather than beat the sh*t out of her womb with needless sucklings, the beauty decided to adopt her children, thus providing for her maternal instincts without depriving the world of watching her raid tombs in tight outfits. However, even the sweetest dreams must flicker away and give way to the harsh light of reality.

Jolie threw her body in the toilet in 2006 when she conceived her first biological child with Brad Pitt. The couple went on to have a pair of twins together two years later. Earlier this year Jolie drew a lot of ridicule for her awkward leg pose while presenting at the Academy Awards. Those critics will feel terrible to hear that after giving birth to three children (two at the same time), Jolie’s hips are 100% dislocated irreparably. This happens all the time with pregnancies.

Bridget Moynahan

Since being stricken pregnant in 2006, Bridget Moynahan has broken up with Tom Brady, acted inBattle: Los Angeles, and found love with McG. I hate it when bad things happen to good people.

Rebecca Romijn

Rebecca Romijn began a successful career as a model with Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret at the barely legal age of nineteen. Since that time she has gone on to achieve international fame as an actress with success across several genres. All that hard work for nothing.

Romijn now plays mom to the twins she had with actor Jerry O’Connell. As you can see from her pictures in the March 2012 issue of Fitness Magazine, she’s still in amazing shape. HOWEVER, what is deal with the pinky on her left hand?

That’s tiny even by pinky standards. It more than likely can be linked to the stretching of her birth canal. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, Jerry.

Elizabeth Hurley

It can be argued that Elizabeth Hurley is enjoying a career resurgence since giving birth to her son ten years ago. She starred recently on Gossip Girl as an attractive cougar hopping into bed with younger men and is also a successful swimwear designer. Designs which she models herself. Well, let’s not get all caught up in how wonderful and sexy she looks. Fact remains, this woman once had another life growing inside of her. Repulsive.

She also told British magazine Zest that she eats three times as much as her beau, Australian spin-bowler Shane Warne. I don’t know what spin-bowling is but I bet it requires excessive calories be burned. What hunger did that childbeast leave behind in you, Elizabeth?

Halle Berry

There was once a time that just saying the name “Halle Berry” would cause men to drop to their knees and ejaculate uncontrollably before drifting into a dissociative fugue state. That time was 1991 – 2008. In 2008, Berry gave birth to a little girl. Since then her career and image have been beaten by a burlap sack stuffed with feces. Metaphorically.

However, you can see the toll that child-rearing has had on her looks. Note the slimy green substance that now oozes from her pores and scalp. How far she has fallen.

Rosario Dawson

Wait. She doesn’t have a kid? Then where the Hell has she been?

7 photosJessica Alba

That’s right. Spy Kids 4D will finally teach the world what Joel McHale actually smells like. Using Aromascope technology, viewers will be given a card with eight distinct smells on it. They will then be prompted at key moments in the story to run their finger across certain segments of the card and then smell it. This is great news for me. I’m sick and tired of getting dirty looks for smelling my finger when I take a date to the movies.

We get Jeremy Piven as the bad guy here, though I don’t think nearly as many will be surprised to find him slumming it in this type of film. We’ve also got Ricky Gervais and Robert Rodriguez fixtures Danny Trejo and Antonio Banderas in the mix. Granted, this is the first Spy Kids film in eight years, so there might be some killer script that has A-listers clamoring to get involved, but, based on the trailer, that’s not the case. The most likely explanation is a Bowfinger-type scenario where Rodriguez got all the stars to act unwittingly, then tossed them in front of a green screen. The technology‘s there, people.

Gervais will voice robotic dog Argonaut in this summer’s Spy Kids: All The Time In The World. It’s probably a day’s worth of work for a ton of money, and at least his face won’t be exposed to the camera like co-stars Jessica Alba and Joel McHale. If anyone asks, “were you the dog in Spy Kids 4,” Gervais can just tell them “that was Steve Coogan.” If the person responds, “it didn’t sound anything like Steve Coogan, more like you,” Gervais can awkwardly walk away without addressing him further.

Here’s what Gervais actually said about the role:

“Not only am I lending my voice to Spy Kids but they can keep it,” said Gervais. “I’m sick of it.”

Self-deprecatalicious. The film robo-barks its way into theaters August 19th. Meanwhile, on May 19th you can catch Gervais in the season finale of “The Office” on NBC. (Hollywood Reporter)

Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World stars Alba, Joel McHale and Jeremy Piven, all of whom are collecting nice paychecks, I’m sure. Here’s a synopsis:

On the surface, Marissa Cortez Wilson (Jessica Alba) has it all…married to a famous spy hunting television reporter, a new baby and intelligent twin step kids. But in reality, trying to mother Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook), who clearly don’t want her around, is her toughest challenge yet. Also, her husband, Wilbur (Joel McHale), wouldn’t know a spy if he lived with one which is exactly the case – Marissa’s a retired secret agent.

These problems are very relatable to me, a single mom, but with a layer of fantasy my kids will enjoy I am intrigued.

Marissa’s world is turned upside down when the maniacal Timekeeper (Jeremy Piven) threatens to take over the planet and she’s called back into action by the head of OSS, home of the greatest spies and where the now-defunct Spy Kids division was created. With Armageddon quickly approaching, Rebecca and Cecil are thrust into action when they learn their boring stepmom was once a top agent and now the world’s most competitive ten year olds are forced to put their bickering aside and rely on their wits. With a little help from a couple of very familiar Spy Kids, Carmen (Alexa Vega) and Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara), and some mind-blowing gadgets, they just may be able to save the world and possibly bring their family together while they’re at it.

Oh good. For a minute there, I was worried the old Spy Kids were completely out of the picture. Glad there’s some continuity there, but that brings us to the main question: will Sharkboy and Lavagirl make an appearance? I’m gonna hold my breath until I find out. Or, y’know… I won’t do that. (ComingSoon.net)

The trailer looks pretty standard, but if this is your thing, have at it. It’s pretty long, too, so maybe you can watch this in lieu of seeing the actual movie.

It’s hard to believe, but even in a society that’s as sick and depraved as our own, there are still some actresses who refuse to go topless. That’s insane! Using my neighbor’s Wifi connection, I can see countless women getting completely naked and doing awful things to each other, and I get to watch that for free! But just because some “actresses” majored in theater, they’re too good to get topless in movies I’m paying for? That’s insulting not only to me, but to the millions of girls around the world who sell their bodies for money on a daily basis.

Well, the only way to rectify this situation is to identify the worst offenders and shame them into doing the right thing. With that in mind, I’ve complied this list of 30 actresses we’d love to see topless. Hopefully, they’ll stop putting on airs and give the viewing public what they want.

Update: A few people are complaining about Isla Fisher, Lindsay Lohan, Mila Kunis, etc. According to Mr. Skin, they all used body doubles in their films. So please double check before you leave a negative comment.

30. Jenna Fischer

We aren’t really dying to see Pam from”The Office” show us her cans. But since actress Jenna Fischer has stated she’d never do a nude scene, it makes us want to see them that much more.

29. Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner has yet to go topless, which is a shame, cause she’s rapidly approaching the point of no return.

28. Jessica Simpson

We’d love to see “actress” Jessica Simpson get topless. The only problem is, we’d rather see it back in 2005. Warm up the time machine.

27. Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock is often referred to as “America’s Sweetheart.” Last time I checked, if someone is your “sweetheart,” you get to look at their tits. Let’s see ‘em. Demolition Man didn’t count.

26. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Perhaps Jennifer Love Hewitt has passed her prime. But throw in the nostalgia factor, and she’s still worth a look.

25. Cameron Diaz

I’ve heard rumors that Cameron Diaz isn’t hot in person (what a coincidence, neither am I). Luckily, I’ll settle for seeing her topless in HD.

24. Lindsay Lohan

(Update: Machete uses a body double) They say an addict can’t begin to recover until they’ve hit rock bottom. Well, nothing says rock bottom like selling your body for money. That’s why we want Lindsay to go topless: because we care.

23. Leighton Meester

What a retarded name. But to quote Dave Attel, “those tittes ain’t retarded.” Sorry you can’t see her breasts in this pic, but I guess I’m more of an ass man.

22. Blake Lively

Pout all you want, Blake. At this point, a topless scene is the only thing that can make up for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

21. Katherine Heigl

Katherine Heigl has a really bad reputation these days, mainly because she likes to trash talk people she’s worked with. But I think a good old-fashioned topless scene would clear the air.

Click ‘Next Page’ to continue…

I actually liked Meet the Parents and The Fockers. By Little Fockers, it’s even worn off on my forgiving nature. Little Fockers is a clear example of a trilogy running out of steam and repeating itself in part three. At least it’s not an example of the superior second part. That would make Meet the Fockers this trilogy’s Empire Strikes Back.

Greg and Pam Focker (Ben Stiller and Teri Polo) are planning their twins’ fifth birthday party. That’s all the excuse you need for the in-laws to visit, but they go through a list of tasks Greg has to accomplish in his busy suburban life. Drug rep Andi Garcia (Jessica Alba) hires Greg to be the spokesperson for the erectile dysfunction drug Sustengo (get it?) and he needs the money to pay for the kids’ fancy school, Early Human School.

The kooky in-laws are all introduced with annoying schtick. Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro) defibrillates himself during a heart attack. Roz Focker (Barbra Streisand) has her own TV show where she talks about musical condoms. Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman) is off in Spain mastering flamenco dancing. Roz actually calls Bernie’s late life crisis “MANopause,” and Greg repeats it in case it’s funnier the second time.

The whole movie is a lot of setup for a dumb payoff. An extended dinner table scene goes through an explanation of the Byrnes family tree, Greg cooking turkey, his son Henry’s obsession with lizards, and Greg’s lame attempt at turkey carving, all to pay off with Greg cutting his finger and spraying blood on Jack. A drawn out argument with a construction crew in the backyard leads to Greg trying to move a truck on is own and accidentally dumping a load of sand onto Jack. The crew leader is played by Harvey Keitel, but it’s not the long-awaited Mean Streets reunion you were waiting for.

Pam gets the flu on the day she has to meet the principal of the Early Human School. She actually says, “Honey, what am I going to do?” That’s a sitcom plot beneath “Everybody Loves Raymond.” It’s all so Jack and Greg can go meet Prudence (Laura Dern) together and get mistaken as a couple. At least Prudence sees through homophobia humor. The tables are turned on Jack when he has a five hour erection and Greg has to give him a shot in the dick. It’s come to this, DeNiro as the bitch in a Something About Mary scene.

The film climaxes in a blatant fistfight between Jack and Greg, which may be the confrontation Fockerphiles have been waiting for. The film misses the best opportunity for a payoff when Greg speaks for Sustengo. We hear that he referenced Jack’s lie detector test and his “I’m watching you” schtick. We should see that. That would pay off the entire series. Instead they save it for a gag in the end credits. Make the movie funny before you work on the credits. Plus, there’s a YouTube remix joke that still would have played in the credits if they’d put the actual speech in the movie.

Greg acts more pathetic around his kids than he does around other grown-ups. By the time Jack actually suggests Pam leave Greg for Kevin (Owen Wilson), it’s not cute anymore. Maybe when they were only engaged he was being overprotective, but now he’s talking about breaking up a family. At least this Fockers is only around 95 minutes so there’s less of it.

"Kiss my ass, screenwriters."

Poor Jessica Alba wa taken out of context, and I’m not just talking about this article’s headline.

The actress is trying to set the record straight after Elle Magazine quoted her as saying, “Good actors never use the script unless it’s amazing writing,” and “All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”

Ironically enough, this ruffled the feathers of John August, the screenwriter behind Charlie’s Angels. Did that film even have dialogue?

At any rate, after August criticized her comments on his blog, Alba tried to set things right with a bit of ridiculous overcompensation: “Just so it’s clear, films don’t even get made and nothing ever gets a green light unless there’s great material.”

Say what? We live in a world where someone green lit a Nazi-themed version of The Nutcracker. At least her original comments made sense, considering she starred in The Love Guru and The Fantastic Four. I’m sure no one stuck with the script on those films, mainly because half of the actors involved couldn’t read. (Cinema Blend)

Director: Paul Weitz

Cast: Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Owen Wilson, Jessica Alba, Teri Polo, Harvey Keitel, Barbra Streisand

Synopsis: The Focker and the Byrnes families brace themselves for the arrival of a baby.

Release Date: December 22, 2010

Daaaaamn, De Niro. You look gooooooood. In these new Little Fockers character one-sheets, all signs of aging have been Photoshopped away from the stars’ faces. Notice how Robert De Niro doesn’t have any lines on his forehead. Even newborns have those. The guy is 67-years-old. Leave some lines on there so he doesn’t look like a cyborg! I’m surprised they didn’t airbrush his mole off while they were at it. It’s a huge deterrent for audiences. Why would anyone want to see a movie full of actors with imperfections? I’ll stay home and watch "Gossip Girl," thank you very much.

Check out Ben Stiller’s creepy, wrinkle-free skin after the jump…

(Variety)

The following is a list of nine actresses who really do get by on their looks. Granted, if I could get by on my looks, I totally would, so it’s not as if I blame them. Also, in all fairness, some of these actresses are probably the victim of typecasting. Of course, being typecast as “the hot chick” isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly doesn’t allow them to show of their range (if they have any). That being said, here are nine actresses who get by on their looks.

(Please note that I did not include reality stars like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian on this list because they are too damn obvious, and they aren’t really actresses.)

Heather Graham

At the end of the day, Heather Graham hasn’t been in a lot that’s worth watching (her uncredited role as a sex shop clerk in The Oh in Ohio not withstanding). Even when she manages to pop up in a decent film, Graham always seems to be cast in the same role. In Boogie Nights she played a porn star, in Bowfinger she played a “casting couch” actress, and in The Hangover she played a stripper/whore. Have you spotted the trend, or are you too busy staring at the picture of her rack?

Exceptions: Boogie Nights, The Hangover

Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba’s IMDB page is a vast wasteland of forgettable movies, although in all fairness, The Fantastic 4 is a film you only wish you could forget. Yet despite her total lack of accomplishments, Alba is a household name. Why is that? Oh right; her perfect ass. She should get the lifetime achievement Oscar for that dumper.

Exceptions: Sin City, Machete

Rebecca Romijn

Quick, what’s your favorite Rebecca Romijn movie? The easy answer is any of the X-Men films. It’s also a lame answer, since you probably can’t even remember if she had a speaking role. Besides, she played the part of a shape shifting mutant, so half the time her character is CGI. And considering Romijn’s body is unbelievably hot, casting her as a solid-blue shape-shifter seems like a real waste. I wonder how Bryan Singer missed that. Oh, wait, never mind.

Exception: Femme Fatale, Dirty Work

Jennifer Lopez

The fact that Jennifer Lopez was in Gigli should be enough to land her on this list. Then again, no one uses that film to define Ben Afflek’s career, so I don’t want to create a double standard. Besides, I don’t need to. Since Gigli, Affleck has made Gone Baby Gone and The Town, where as Lopez has made Shall We Dance and Monster-in-Law. You do the math. Unless you’re Selena’s mom, J-Lo’s best days were on “In Living Color.”

Exception: The Cell, (Edit: Out of Sight)

Sharon Stone

When it comes to women who get by on their looks, you can’t leave out Sharon Stone. Her success in Hollywood can be traced back to a single scene from Basic Instinct in which she spread her legs and flashed her vagina to the camera. That’s something you still don’t see in mainstream movies, and this took place almost 20-years ago. Unfortunately for Stone, it’s also been about that long since she’s had a hit, but luckily for her, she ‘s still able to milk her vagina for all its worth. Wow, that sounded gross.

Exception: Casino

Megan Fox

One of Megan’s first roles was in Bad Boys II. She had an uncredited part as “Stars-and-Stripes Bikini Kid Dancing Under Waterfall.” That was in 2003, and not much has changed since then. Outside of the Transformers movies, which are widely considered horse shit, her only other notable films were Jonah Hex, where she played a whore, and Jennifer’s Body, where she played whorish vampire. That’s a lot of whoring.

Exception: Maybe Jennifer’s Body? Maybe.

Denise Richards

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated
Screen Junkies: No It’s Not

It’s pretty straight forward. If you’re young and hot, getting in a pool topless and making out with Neve Campbell will take you a long way, even if you’re untalented. Growing old and popping out kids will not.

Exception: Kambakkht Ishq (No, seriously, check this out? WTF?)

Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson

In my opinion, these “actresses” are too obvious to put on the list. Unfortunately, they’ve both been around long enough to warrant recognition. But rather than waste two spots, I’ve combined them both into one. Besides, they are basically the same person. They both came to prominence on “Baywatch,” they both can’t act, but they both have big fake cans, so no one cares. I guess the one difference is that Anderson has Hep C. But given Carmen’s reputation, I wouldn’t rule it out.

Exceptions: None

Gabourey Sidibe

Maybe she doesn’t fit the same mold as the other ladies on this list. Regardless, her looks definitely landed her the role in Precious, and that’s pretty much all she’s done thus far, so she qualifies.

Joel McHale is in final talks to star opposite Jessica Alba in Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids 4. In the sequel, Alba would play a retired spy married to McHale, a spy-hunting reporter. When a nefarious villain returns on the scene, Alba is pulled back into the business. And she takes her stepkids along for the ride.

No word yet on the youngsters that will carry the picture, but if I were the little boy I’d get a jump on the spying by placing webcams in Alba’s dressing room. I work method. (Variety)

Machete
R, 105 min., 2010
Cast: Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin with Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Robert DeNiro
Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis
Screenplay by Robert Rodriguez and Alvero Rodriguez

While Machete is one hilarious, madcap, blood-filled pinata party, it’s also one of the most politically charged action movies to come along this year.

The iconic big screen bad-ass Danny Trejo gets his much needed day in the sun at Machete, an ex- Mexican cop turned Texas day laborer who finds himself in the middle of the battle between borders, with double crossing politicians, vigilantes, cops, and cartels. All the while he’s becoming another legendary folk hero from the endless mind of Robert Rodriguez and the Troublemaker studio family.

Machete is joined by a cast that can slap and slice the face off of The Expendables – they can be labeled  like Sergio Leone‘s The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  The Good: the ultimate female revolution fighter from a taco truck Luz/She (Michelle Rodriguez in another one of her kick butt and still look sexy performances), INS agent sexpot Santana (Jessica Alba), and Priest (Cheech Marin showing up in his best Rodriguez movie cameo to date). The Bad: evil vigilante Texan Lt. Stillman (Don Johnson, at his sleazy cigar slinging best, carrying echoes of Henry Fonda’s villainous performance in Once Upon a Time in the West), racist tea bagger Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro having fun as the guy you love to hate), scheming political assistant Booth (Jeff Fahey making us wonder why he isn’t cast in more movies as a screen villain), and Mexican drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal taking everything so seriously and with hilarious end results). And The Ugly: drugged up bad girl turned religious savior April (Lindsay Lohan always down to satirize her own persona) and the famous worn and pockmarked face of Danny Trejo as Machete.

All these wacky characters and more face off in a blood-filled cannon of showdowns and confetti that will you have kicking, wincing, howling, whistling, and clapping for more.

Rodriguez, sharing his writer/director/cinematographer/editor/score chair with co-director Ethan Maniquis, script writer Alveno Rodriguez, editor Rebecca Rodriguez, and cinematographer Jimmy Lindsey. It’s a block party of filmmakers that bring a lot of energy and color to the creative table, creating an environment that is part grindhouse fun and part family affair.

As the idea of Machete came out of Rodriguez’s head 15 years ago during Desperado, we now see another possible tough character actor, Michelle Rodriguez, becoming another one of his modern day folk hero characters of SHE — a legendary Mexican freedom fighter or quasi female counter part to iconic Che Guevera. You know he is onto something here when Rodriguez’s character gets the audience roar of approval next to a bland Alba applause. It’s something to look forward to in the Troublemaker future of cartoon movies.

The movie itself is more fun watching than really talking about with all its beheading and rocket-filled low riders. The first part is the most uninhibited fun, with the mixture of grindhouse type violence with political undertones that include a running gag of xenophobic political ads, not unlike something Sarah Palin would pay for.

By the time the climax hits, there are so many characters and elements played out that they all collide in a Looney Tunes-type carnival ride of guns and cars that doesn’t come to a solid conclusion. It even seems that Machete is lost at times in the battle between characters and screen time.
Yet Rodriguez and crew give us a something to chew on as we face a time of terrible racism and actions, all the while punching it with one-of-a-kind performances and action moments.

Grade: B +

If this new red band trailer for Machete doesn’t convince you to see the film this Friday then I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do. My goodness gracious, the violence. It exploits more head trauma than Break fail video. Have you ever seen a man’s head get cut off and then split in half before it even hits the ground? Well now you can mark that morbid desire off of your bucket list.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Heads Will Roll In Ne Machete Redband- NSFW! – Watch more horror

(BloodyDisgusting)

_{Early test screening reaction.}

Universal Pictures has dropped a new international trailer for Little Fockers. The boner stabbings from the U.S. trailer have been replaced with references to The Godfather and Jaws, and of course, vomiting. So this movie has Viagra jokes, puke jokes, overused film references jokes, bleeding all over people jokes, and Jessica Alba. One out of five ain’t bad. Still no sign of Dustin Hoffman shoe-horned in to up the zany antics. Maybe after viewing this trailer he’ll agree to a pity cameo.

Check out the trailer after the jump…

Little Fockers — Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

The new Machete trailer has slashed its way onto the Internetz. We last saw an "illegal" trailer released on Cinco de Mayo which got me amped, but this new one makes me want to punch a cinder block just so I can feel like a man. It’s like producer Robert Rodriquez and director Ethan Maniquis took all the things that zip through a male’s brain on a daily basis and cramed them into one movie with Jeff Fahey. Not that I don’t like Jeff Fahey, I just can’t say he’s on my mind that often. At least you’ll never get me to admit it here…

Machete rips theaters a new asshole Labor Day Weekend, September 3rd.

Check out the trailer after the jump.

I chose the most suggestive picture I could snap for Universal’s Little Fockers trailer, and it doesn’t even get across the actual horror that unfolds in the scene. The Paul Weitz-directed threequel to the Meet the Parents blockbuster stars Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Teri Polo, Owen Wilson, Blythe Danner, Jessica Alba, Laura Dern, Harvey Keitel, Barbra Streisand, and Dustin Hoffman. You can practically smell the money wafting off the screen. There’s even a turkey carving joke involving someone’s thumb. I won’t tell you who, but he plays the neurotic klutz in all of these films. And most of the other films he does.

Little Fockers starts raking it in at the holiday box office December 22, 2010.

Check out the trailer and full synopsis below. 

Little Fockers Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

In HD at Apple.

It has taken 10 years, two little Fockers with wife Pam (Polo) and countless hurdles for Greg to finally get “in” with his tightly wound father-in-law, Jack. After the cash-strapped dad takes a job moonlighting for a drug company, however, Jack’s suspicions about his favorite male nurse come roaring back. When Greg and Pam’s entire clan—including Pam’s lovelorn ex, Kevin (Owen Wilson)—descends for the twins’ birthday party, Greg must prove to the skeptical Jack that he’s fully capable as the man of the house. But with all the misunderstandings, spying and covert missions, will Greg pass Jack’s final test and become the family’s next patriarch…or will the circle of trust be broken for good?

A word from Jessica: “Thanks to the fans, I do movies for you. Practice safe sex and drive hybrids if you can!”

The Killer Inside Me
R, 108min., 2010
Cast: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson, Simon Baker, Elias Koteas, Ned Betty, and Bill Pullman
Directed by Micheal Winterbottom
Screenplay by John Curran based upon the novel by Jim Thompson
 
The Killer Inside Me is a faithfully adapted, dark, and twisted gem of an exercise in B-movie noir.
 
From the faded pop color opening credit sequence, director Michael Winterbottom and his perfectly suited cast takes us back to 1950s West Texas, where Central City, Sheriff Deputy Lou Ford (played by Casey Affleck, giving one of his finest and scariest performances to date) doesn’t carry a gun and ‘sweet talks’ his way out of any bad problems. Well, that’s what Lou wants you to believe as behind his earnest smile he is one of the most disturbed and violently psychological complex characters this side of the Rio Grande.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

As with Jim Thompson’s acclaimed pulp novel, where we meet the local sweaty and steamy towns folk of Central City, like the two gorgeous women in Lou’s life, sexy prostitute Joyce Lakeland (Jessica Alba) and sweet school teacher Amy Stanton (Kate Hudson), the local union boss Joe Rothman (Elias Koteas), District Attorney Howard Hendricks (Simon Baker), and real estate tycoon Chester Conway (the always reliable hog in a hat, Ned Betty).
 
In another 50s noir, these characters would be the villains or the femme fatales, yet here they are as crooked as they come, but are tainted victims of Lou’s violent outbursts and diabolic schemes. When a character is hit or shot we feel their pain and see their suffering on screen in moments containing some of the most brutal violence in recent screen memory.
 
However, this film is not another excise in torture porn. Director Winterbottom and screenwriter John Curran should be championed for bringing their visually precise adaptation of Thompson’s writing. Here all of Thompson’s sex, dry commentary, and sadistic violence is brought to the screen with such a fine scope that we are reliving the macabre humor and horror of these hardboiled characters.
 
Still, we feel for them as they lay batter and bloodied on screen; Affleck’s long drawl voice festers under your skin leaving you with almost hypnotic trance for a guy, who beats Alba’s screen angel presence into a one-punch, two-punch, several-punches makeover and turns on sweet Hudson in a moment of shocking masochistic violence. Affleck plays all of his acting cards right on point with his leading ladies, from loving them in his own twisted tender way – he likes to spank his women really hard with his leather pressed belt – to his striking manic acts of violence. This is a performance from Affleck not to be missed.
 
As the film builds to the blazing inferno of a climax, we’re given another key character performance by Bill Pullman as a slick union lawyer Billy Boy Walker, a character Lou finds to be a priest of some sort, confessing all of his past sins, before finding himself in a ring of fire. The scene between Affleck and Pullman has real moments of actor chewing quality that it  makes the film an ever valued time capsule of grit and sweat in 50s noir movies.
 
While The Killer Inside Me may be rooted in the pulp novels and B-movie film noir of the 1950s, this piece is by far one hell of a film ride into the dark nature of humans and their primal feelings.
 
Grade: A-

Director: Michael Winterbottom

Cast: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson

Synopsis: A West Texas deputy sheriff is slowly unmasked as a psychotic killer.

For Cinco de Mayo, Robert Rodriguez dropped a package off at the home of his AICN homies, and it turned out to be the "illegal" trailer for Machete hidden underneath a pound of tamales. Alright, I’m not certain about the tamales, but it’s how I deliver all of MY packages.

If you enjoyed the fake trailer for Machete attached to Grindhouse, you won’t be dissappointed by the trailer for the movie made from the trailer. It features a Mexican-hating Robert DeNiro, a Robert DeNiro hating Mexican Danny Trejo, a gun-licking nun Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, and Jessica Alba with a perm. Also, Soothsayer Rodriguez managed to tap into a controversy that’s bubbling over in Arizona at this very moment, and he predicted that sh*t months ago! Way to make the zeitgiest your bitch, Robert.

Check out the trailer below. Machete slashes into theaters September 3, 2010.

Illega Machete Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

_{Let’s get this barbeque f*ckin’ started.}

This Labor Day, make room for Machete amongst your ice cold beers and charred hot dogs. The Robert Rodriguez produced film based off the trailer from Grindhouse will hit theaters September 3.

Machete stars Danny Trejo as a blade-wielding Mexican ex-Federale who is double-crossed by a crooked politician. If for some loco reason blade-wielding Mexican’s aren’t your cup of horchata, keep in mind that Jessica Alba is playing twins in the film. Yes, that’s right, Rodriguez DOES listen to your prayers at night, and he has answered them. Who else did you think you were appealing to? (Variety)

Sensory overload. Not enough blood in my brain as I write this post. Has traveled to my…elsewhere. In a recent interview with MTV, Jessica Alba revealed she’ll be playing identical twins in Robert Rodriguez’s Grindhouse spinoff, Machete. One of them will be bad, one of them will good, and both of them will look like Jessica Alba. I’d suggest that the two Albas kiss in the film but I’m fairly certain such an event would signal the apocalypse. In all honesty, what more would we have to live for? Check out Alba’s interview below.