It’s days like this that I’m proud to call myself a journalist.

One could make the assumption that the baby’s father is her boyfriend Jionni LaVelle, but that would be a very dangerous assumption because Snooki is a huge whore and anyone could be the father. I was doing the math to see how long it had been since I slept with her, but it’s been like five months, so she would totally be showing right now if I was the dad.

It will be the 24-year-old’s first child, but almost certainly not her first pregnancy. Snooki had dismissed rumors that she was pregnant, but now tells TMZ that she didn’t want to jinx it, which is funny, because this baby’s actually been jinxed since it was conceived.

How will this affect Jersey Shore‘s upcoming seasons?

Shut up. That’s how it will affect it.

No such luck. Carson is more autonomous than it seems, according to a recent interview with Vulture. In it, he reveals, “No. I’ve never seen Jersey Shore. That’s not to knock it, it’s just not what I watch.”

It’s ok, Carson. You can knock it. We do all the time here at Screen Junkies, and our traffic has been trending upward something fierce.

In the interview, Carson also revealed that he had a revelation at Scores strip club with Lars Ulrich and Kid Rock, packs a flask when he has to do red carpet events, and works enough gigs to make Seacrest blush. (Besides The Voice, Daly does a four-hour radio show and his late-night show Last Call.)

But the big takeaway here is that he hates Jersey Shore as much as everyone else does.

Those hippies from Occupy Wall Street enjoy cashing their welfare checks, plopping down with a big bowl of medicinal marijuana and watching The Daily Show and Glee, while Republicans like to get off work from the mill, sit down to a steak diner, and polish their rifles while watching The Mentalist, Leno, and Swamp Loggers.

Republicans seem to favor procedurals, while Democrats like comedies and shows about the media. That’s awfully on the nose, Democrats. Republicans also love the show Swamp People. When did the love affair between conservatives and swamps start? I completely missed that! Surprisingly, Republicans also enjoy Wheel of Fortune, which is odd because I would have figured they consider it a form of welfare.

It’s not a terribly surprising list, but we can use it as ammo against differently-minded people, which is the greatest gift of all this holiday season.

See the full results here.

All-American Muslim follows five Muslim families that reside in Dearborn, Michigan, a town with the highest density of Muslims in the United States. In an interview with AOLTV (why, AOLTV?), two of the families shed some light on what the series is and isn’t about. Hint: They won’t be up to Jersey Shore-like antics, which is a shame, because that’s probably the only circumstance under which I would watch this show.

Assuming this show accomplishes its goal and depicts the five families as normal, well-adjusted Americans (which I’m sure they are), why the hell would anyone watch it? The only way this would serve as any sort of entertainment is if the subjects were doing very strange things (and by “strange,” I don’t mean praying to Mecca or practicing Islam).

It sounds like a Muslim The Osbournes. Hmmm. Maybe I will watch it.

Also, don’t be alarmed or unsettled for the U.S. Army recruiting ad that is placed before this video. I’m sure that’s….just a coincidence. Geez, TLC, you’re really firing on all cylinders here, aren’t you? 

That said, the grandmother does make some very good points. Road trips ARE fun. And Snooki is an asshole. Right on both counts, Granny.

Also, I’m thinking of Grandma wearing a romper and peeing. Not my favorite thing.

Go about your Monday.

Also, I disagree on her “green tea is the shit” stance. Chai is where it’s at. 

When interviewed by Wendy Williams (huge “get” for Wendy, by the way), Jersey Shore star Vinny “Italian last name unimportant” answered Wendy’s question “How was Snooki in bed?” with “Umm, you ever have sex with a meatball?”

Unfortunately, everyone took Vinny’s question in response to be rhetorical. Except for Wendy. She answers the question with a resounding “no.” Apparently, she felt the need to explicitly state that she has not had sex with a meatball. I don’t believe her for one second that she hasn’t had sex with a meatball, but I will respect her privacy.

As for Snooki feeling like a big ole’ meatball in the sack, yeah, we kinda figured, but it’s nice to get it confirmed. What’s more surprising is that this guy doesn’t come across as a total dipshit on the show. Simply mind-blowing.

While it wouldn’t be unreasonable to cringe at the thought of the stereotypes drummed up by this project, it certainly would mesh well with television history to use simply drawn stereotypes as a cheap laugh or plot device. After all, aren’t all sitcom characters stereotypes in one way or another?

Lazy writing and poorly-drawn characters appeal to the lowest common denominator (see this). Though TV has gotten better in general in recent years, it’s no secret that many sitcoms and dramas appeal to people because it allows the audience to take their thinking caps off. However, the entrants below are gratuitous even by lazy TV standards. Here are a smattering of characters that offer up stereotypes that would make Tyler Perry blush.

7. Jack – Will and Grace

Gays had been depicted on TV long before Will and Grace and even more so afterward. However, it was Sean Hayes’ Jack that seemed to enter the public consciousness more than any other gay character did. Unfortunately, Jack reads more like a 1970′s hack comedy bit on “fruits” than he does an actual human being.

He was a huge queen. He loved drama, he sang and danced, he’s flamboyant about most everything he undertakes and…he loves to shop. Despite the show’s long run, Jack continued to exist largely as a one-note character that offered comedic relief and not much more. He was pretty damn funny, but hardly an enlightened take on human sexuality.

Now, if they had made him a professional football player, that would have really turned the notion of sexuality on its head. Take that, ESTABLISHMENT!

6. Huggy Bear – Starsky and Hutch

This isn’t so much an issue with stereotyping black people (though I guess it kind of is) but rather with that lazy pimp stereotype. I’m guessing he was the first pimp to get serious screen-time, but what did we really know about Huggy Bear? Did mother issue drive him to pimping? Why was he so quick to drop the dime for a couple of white detectives with perms? Did they save his life in Vietnam?

Just give us a few tangential facts to make this guy more human. Make him a large contributor to the United Negro College Fund and periodically remind us of his fondness for meatball subs.

Not so hard, is it?

Well, this week, they’re off on a bona fide vacation. Albeit one that’s only about an hour and a half from their houses, but we’ll take what we can get. The gang is heading to the Jersey shore. Dennis and Dee wish to relive the days of their childhood, Frank wants to take a trip on which he can finally unwind, Charlie wants to see the ocean for the first time, and Mac…well, Mac doesn’t want to go, but, ever the trooper, joins anyway.

Upon checking in to a fleabag motel, in true Sunny style, the dies are cast. Frank and Mac will be drinking and relaxing, while Dennis, Dee, and Charlie will be channelin the spirit of the Jersey shore of yesteryear.

Mac and Frank

While Mac heads down to the beach to score a place to post up, Frank is on liquor duty. Mac has no problem securing some real estate due to a toxic event (details withheld) and scattered steroid needles.

Frank saunters up with a very, very large ham in tow, sans booze. An irate Dennis demands to know what became of the booze, to which Frank informs Mac it’s soaked in and loaded with rum. Mac’s response demonstrates a quick 180.

“Goddamit, Frank. Eating your booze? That’s genius!”

However, as delicious as that boozy ham might be, it certainly seems to be attracting a healthy share of stray dogs. In a far-sighted move that absolutely no one would expect to backfire, Frank and Mac take to the seas, enjoying their booze ham on a life raft several hundred yards offshore, only to, predictably, pass out and find themselves lost at sea.

After losing the booze ham to ocean, Frank becomes irate and violent, as Frank often does. However, no sooner does he enter “survival mode” than a party boat cruises by, saving the castaways and sparing Mac from a cannibalistic end. Their trip is salved with steroids, binge drinking, and spray tans, as so many vacations are, forcing Mac to make the classy admission that he was wrong about the shore.

Dennis, Dee, and Charlie

Dennis and Dee, eager to revisit the beach of their youth, set out to the beach wit Charlie, only to find it all but abandoned. Charlie is absolutely fascinated by the ocean, but, as usual, Dennis and Dee’s are myopically focused on what Dennis and Dee want. Their stroll along the boardwalk further fuels their disappointment, but they hold out hope knowing that the ace up their sleeve is actually what’s going on UNDER the boardwalk.

It should surprise no one familiar with this show that what is going on under the boardwalk is graphic hobo butt sex. The spectacle is enough to upset even Charlie, who takes his leave of Dee and Dennis.

Still intent on recapturing their youth, Dennis and Dee find their way to a boardwalk ride that ends ripping out a sizable portion of Dee’s scalp. In the emergency room, they catch up with Stephanie, a junkie mom who promises to show them a good time on the shore. Predictably, the good time consists of angel dust, a sociopath named Billy, and a little armed robbery.

Charlie, meanwhile, comes across The Waitress, who ambles along the shore, eager to spend some time with him. They share a magical night together with fireworks, crabs (the ocean kind), and broken glass. All is right in the world of Charlie Kelly.

However, the next morning, The Waitress wakes up on the beach, appalled, as she had been on ecstasy during their encounter. She quickly goes back to being her usual bitch self, and Charlie, ever the happy wanderer, chalks it all up to experience and moves on. With that, the gang meets back up at the van and quickly agree it’s time to get out of dodge.

Questions:

• Dee’s hair: fashion do or fashion don’t?
• Was anyone else surprised that what happens under the boardwalk was able to slip by even FX’s liberal Standards and Practices?
• Something tells me this episode was not sponsored by the Atlantic City tourism board.
• Anyone excited to see The Waitress in this episode? Yeah, me neither.
• “Vacation” by The Go-Go’s: good montage or best montage ever?

Quotes:
• “Do NOT swim to Europe. Got it”
• “Disregard that, Frank. It’s a bunch of liberal bullshit.” (In reference to the sign that says toxic spill)
• “Warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting’ ripshit on ham…”
• “It should have been you!” (Frank yelling at Mac In reference to the loss of the rum ham)

“For the Farrelly Bros to say how well we did… it gives me chills,” JWoww recalled.

Sammi elaborated. “Like, you never know,” she mused. “Like, I actually enjoyed acting, and I enjoyed being a part of it, so I would love to see what the future holds, whether it’s acting or something else.”

Castmates Ronnie and Snooki also reportedly want in on the action, according to Access Hollywood. “We’re not scared to be stupid or make fun of ourselves,” said Snooki. “I think we could be good in acting. I would love to do comedy.”

Seriously, you guys. Don’t tempt Adam Sandler. Just don’t. (Movieline)

MTV really has their finger on the pulse of what it is their viewers want. The new season premieres August 4th.

So it’s no surprise that MTV gave Mike Sorrentino, aka The Situation, aka the one who pulls his shirt up at you, a development deal. He’ll film some kind of pilot later this year. I’m sure The Situation has a lot of bold, Peabody Award winning television show concepts scrawled into his moleskine notebooks. Granted, most of the pages are probably filled with crude drawings of his own abs, but I’m sure whoever’s Co-Executive Producing can work with that. Here’s what Sorrentino has to say about all this:

“I’m excited to continue my relationship with MTV, which has been home for me for the last couple of years,” Sorrentino said. “I’m really grateful for all the support from my fans. Hopefully, there will be plenty more situations in the future.”

His nickname is “The Situation,” you see. Meanwhile, not only has”Jersey Shore” been renewed, but 2012 will bring us Variety)

Whatever they’re selling in this video doesn’t really play well for me over here stateside I am sure these are tremendously trashy, despicable people, but it’s a little hard for me to accept them as scum with that accent. It’s like if Hugh Grant wanted to be sleazy. You’d pat him on the head and call him a scamp, even if he was aggressively trying to date-rape your sister.

So watch the video, and agree with me that only in England could someone that obnoxious be named “Gary.”

MTV has gone ahead and green lighted two Jersey Shore“ spin-offs which means ‘doing nothing’ will soon be considered a viable career path in our society. One show will follow DJ Pauly D as he sets off on tour to highlight his talent of playing other peoples’ music. The second show is a reality show starring Snooki and JWoww. Having formed a tight bond on “Jersey Shore,” the new program will focus on their friendship as they get hammered on vodka and by really muscular dudes.

It’s easy to sit here in this coffee shop on my brother’s laptop and rail against how unfair it is that these guys are millionaires. But, honestly, there’s no reason to hate. Pauly D and Snooki are both really entertaining in their own right. And JWoww… well… hmmm. Knockers are pretty entertaining, I guess. I’ll reserve my anger for when Vinnie gets his own show. (Deadline)

Yeah, the Madea parody poster trend continues for Madea’s Big Happy Family. This sort of campaign is normally reserved for an Epic Movie / Disaster Movie / Terrible Parody Movie type movie. And I hate those movies. Yeah, I know the tag line on the poster below says I should not be hatin’, but I don’t care. I’m hatin’. Mmm… that’s good haterade. (Cinema Blend)

There’s one thing I do like about this team-up is that Justin Bieber and The Situation represent two opposite spectrums of the Awful-O-Meter. Bieber is formulaic, uninteresting and yet shoved down our collective throats, whereas The Situation is skeezy, retarded and yet shoved down our collective throats. I get a feeling these two will be a ticket in the 2060 election. (Popeater)

A disagreement between the two parties over — what else? — money, money, money saw Viacom yank its programs off Hulu. Now they’re all back, including backlogs of “Beavis & Butthead” and “Chappelle Show,” if you opt for Hulu’s shitty subscription thing. Of course, many of Viacom’s shows were already available for streaming on stand-alone sites, but let’s face it: if the latest “Colbert” and re-runs of USA‘s “Weird Science” aren’t on the same website, then what good is either show? (Hollywood Reporter)

“Repo Games” allows contestants to keep their about-to-be-repossessed cars if they can answer three out of five questions correctly. No word yet on whether one of the questions is, “Why are you so financially irresponsible?” It’s hard to imagine a show this sad becoming appointment television for anyone, but Spike TV has made a business model undermining the expectations of decent, intelligent Americans, so sleeper-hit status is not beyond the realm of possibility.

“Repo Games” is brought to us from the producers of “Jersey Shore,” so expect the telecast to be intermittently peppered with musings on the works of Virgil and keen observations on the evolution of gender dynamics in the face of social media. (EW)

“While the stateside ‘Jersey Shore’ locales have become iconic for our audience it’s really the constantly evolving dynamic amongst the cast that keeps them coming back each season and Europe is a fresh spin on a show that continues to reach new heights for us,” said Chris Linn, Executive Vice President of Programming and Head of Production for MTV. “The cast is headed to the birthplace of the culture they love and live by. We can’t wait to see what erupts as a result.”

I smell an international incident. Although, that’s probably just hair gel.

Check it out but be certain to visit the eyewash station afterward.

Grenades!

So many awesome taglines, yet I’m still not interested.

Some people weren’t meant to be parents.

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_{Back to work, you rebel rousing scum.}

Yes, the Deepwater Horizon rig may finally be capped, but another oily disaster is now unfolding. The cast of Jersey Shore is threatening to strike.

TMZ is reporting that cast members are so disappointed with their season 3 contracts that they are refusing to shoot, as they feel they can making more money "doing appearances" than filming the series.

You know, back in the late 1800′s, when a bunch of upstart "guidos" would try to unionize, the employer would hire some union busting thugs to go in and smash some heads. If MTV followed suit and made an example of The Situation by breaking his jaw in several places, I think the rest of the cast would fall in to line posthaste.

_{They’re in Miami, bitch.}

The east coast was cold, making it impossible to cop a sweet tan, so MTV crated up the cast of "Jersey Shore" and shipped them to Miami for Season 2 of the decline of totally juiced western civilization. As you can probably guess, there’s more drinking, scratching, narcissim, and unintelligible negative comments toward ego-threatening houseguests, all with a built in fish out of water hook. Cocaine sales in South Beach are about to skyrocket.

Check out the teaser after the jump…

_{The oil spill destroys yet another beach.}

In today’s economy, job security is almost non-existent. This is even true for those of us who get paid to be a raging douche bag and/or herpes spreading skank.

TMZ is reporting that at least half the cast of "Jersey Shore" is facing the chopping block after MTV executives were "underwhelmed" by their performances this season. Obviously, this means there’s been an overall decline in the number of teenage viewers renouncing Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, and someone at the network needs to be held accountable.

The cast members in question are Lenny, Squiggy, Amerigo and "The C-Word." (TMZ)

Those concerned that the second season of "Jersey Shore" will be a played out attempt by network execs to squeeze more money out of their runaway hit, can rest easy. The first ten minutes of the second season is now online, and we learn quickly that the cast reunite for reasons much more shallow than money. Namely, free tanning.

That’s right. The combination of record snowfalls and Obama‘s 10% tax on tanning has sent the cast south to Miami for the winter. In this first glimpse, we find out what the newly-minted celebrities have been up to (banging), watch Paulie D and the Situation play with explosives, and Snooki take pickles to a whole ‘nother, WHOLE ‘NOTHER level.

THIS SEQUEL DEFINITELY WON’T SUCK. CHECK IT OUT AFTER THE JUMP…

_{Pauly D. looks as sober as a judge.}

BREAKING NEWS: Someone from the "Jersey Shore" cast is hitting the booger sugar. Radar is reporting that while filming the second season of the juiced, tanned, and greased show in Miami, one of the gang played in the snow. The identity of the culprit is being kept under wraps, but police are utilizing the tried and tested method of throwing rocks on South Beach and trying not to hit a cokehead. It’s a numbers game at this point.

“Miami is obviously a big drug city,” one source told RadarOnline.com, “and when this cast member want (sic) to score, it wasn’t hard.”

Narc! Narc!

“Finding someone to buy drugs from in South Beach is as easy as asking for it,” the source said. “It’s not hard and everyone is discreet.”

Another Narc!

“A connection was made and that’s all it took,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “A lot of things were done in code. Other people knew about it but no one ratted out this person.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve had enough of these accusations. I’m going to go mow my mother’s lawn. **Walk-runs into bathroom to flush stash**

New Orleans has been long considered the authority on good taste by the rest of the United States, so it should come as no surprise that the Big Easy is trying to stamp out Jersey Shore.

The New Orleans club Republic has posted a sign outside its door that disapproves of the "L" in GTL:

If it’s on the Jersey Shore, it’s not coming through the door. No Affliction. No Ed Hardy. No Christian Audigier. No Exceptions.

Apparently they’re pissed about the Bar Refaeli thing too. But don’t worry, outfits like this are still welcomed 100% in New Orleans.

(Fail Blog)

Let’s pack it up, boys. No need to follow Bar Refaeli around town with our "seduction" kits any longer. We couldn’t HAVE her before because leading man Leo DiCaprio is tappin’ that ass (plus we’re ugly), and now we don’t WANT her because her vajayjay has touched the back of "The Situation’s" self-tanner smeared neck.

The ab extraordinaire must have sold the remains of his soul to the Devil in exchange for the opportunity to hoist Refaeli up on his shoulders. The vomit-inducing act was apparently a legit photoshoot for Interview Magazine, but something tells me it was "The Situation’s" idea. When I asked DiCaprio how he felt about his girlfriend’s crotch on a guido’s neck, he responded:

"Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama."  

I questioned a DVD of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. (TMZ)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but reality show Oompa Loompa, Snooki has selected a suitor to share her bed. The Jersey Shore Hobbit stepped out recently with Emilio Antonio and he is the juicehead of her dreams. She seems genuinely smitten. Belted in the face by love, if you will.

"He’s actually a body builder and works at the gym," she said. "I am really excited to like show the public who he is."

And those hoping that their connection is merely intellectual and therefore vulnerable to temptation, I have worse news.

"He is freaking banging. We’re the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life s I am excited for everybody to see that."

There you have it. Theirs is a love that will endure at least until Sprin Break. Between this and the passing of Zelda Rubinstein, 2010 is shaping up to be a chaste year for pygmy-chasers. (NY Daily News)

_{"Yous is gonna have to bring up dis situation with mys attorneys."}

Another example of why the rest of the world hates America has been filed at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office today, and wouldn’t you know it, it involves The Jersey Shore. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is so fond of his washboard abs that he’s looking to get them trademarked. The application was filed by "The Situation’s" older brother Marc "The Enabler" whose Las Vegas firm operates several porn websites. Of course that’s what he does. OF COURSE.

Another application has been filed by a man named Matthew Hunter who would like permission to stamp the moniker on t-shirts, underwear, track suits, and vagabond children. I’d like to just shout out a big thank you to all who are trying their damndest to proliferate stupidity. It’s my only hope that Snooki jumps on the bandwagon and trademarks her amorphous bodytype. There has to be a pasta sauce company out there that’s willing to take a chance on pint-sized guido. (SmokingGun)