Because no one’s really impressed or amused by your heavy-handed Austin Powers impression anyway.

The Big Lebowski

This film doesn’t hold up quite so well. It’s not that the years haven’t been that kind to it. It’s as relevant as it was when it was released. It’s just that we’re not 12 anymore, so jokes about an old man beating up a younger slob with anger issues isn’t that intriguing. Also, when you think about it, eating pieces of shit for breakfast is pretty foul.

Acceptable holdout: Anything Chubbs-related. “You’re acting like a damn fool,” especially.

Dumb and Dumber

You know what? I made a mistake. This one should stay. I was thinking about usable quotes, and there are just too many. This film offers wonderful lines about Aspen, John Denver being full of shit, being statistically more likely to die on the way to the airport, and dead pet parakeets.

Acceptable holdout: Eh, pretty much all of them, as long as that fella over there is Sea Bass.

I am a good source of information on annoying child characters in film,s though. I’m not saying I would inflict physical harm on these kids, but if you could imagine me saying those words out loud, you would see that I was also enthusiastically nodding and smiling when I spoke the words “physical harm.”

Note: Anakin Skywalker has been done to death, so you won’t find that little bastard on this list. And technically, he really is a bastard, so the sponsor shouldn’t get mad about that.

9. Ray – Jerry Maguire

His agent is on the other line, telling him that he's got about six more months to milk this thing.

I understand that your dad’s not in the picture, Ray, but that doesn’t mean that we will always find endearing your off-brand moppish charm. I mean, Ray is the kid most likely to help you get laid if you’re just walking around, but that’s not enough.

I now know that the human head weighs eight pounds. All of them weigh eight pounds. Fat heads, skinny ones, even Giada de Laurentis’ head.

8. The Kid That Sees Dead People – The Sixth Sense

If Eeyore was a young boy, he would be this kid.

Cheer up, dude. Yeah, you see dead people. Your mom is a bit of a head case. And you’re poor. That sucks too.

Have some fun. Forget about the dead people for a minute and read The Hunger Games while you listen to the Black Eyed Peas. Go spraypaint an underpass. Steal Bruce Willis’ character’s wig, then staple it to a dog.

You know what takes your mind off of constantly being hounded by death? Ice cream. Go eat some f*cking ice cream, kid.

7. Lex – Jurassic Park

They had to write those cuts and scrapes into the script after Jeff Goldblum lost his temper with her.

There’s no reason why she should be there. If you are in the beta phase of testing your dinosaur zoo, maybe don’t bring dumb kids around. The most annoying thing about this insufferable little girl is the fact that she wants to be referred to as a “hacker.” You’re not a hacker. You’re an amalgam of characteristics that test well in focus groups, Lex.

What’s amazing is that Lex is only the second most-annoying kid in Jurassic Park.

Weigh the following exhibits. I dare you to disagree.

Top Gun

In this scene, Tom Cruise comes over to his flight instructor’s house after a spirited game of all-male beach volleyball. But when he arrives for their first actual date, he walks through the door, telling her he has to shower. It’s hard to come across as more socially inept. I don’t care how good of a renegade pilot you are.

The next time you’re on a first date at a girl’s house, show up sweaty (without a change of clothes) and inform her that you have to use her shower. See if you end up making passionate, soft-light love to Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.” If you do, you must be one hell of a pilot.

Jerry Maguire

In the beginning of this film, we see Top Gun holding Kelly Preston (John Travolta’s wife; draw your own conclusion) around his waist while she jumps on it and rides his pony. I don’t know if this is logistically impossible, but it’s certainly logistically unlikely. Cruise is 5’7”, so his center of gravity is low enough that he could hold up Kelly Preston without tumbling forward, but I’m skeptical that Cruise has the leg strength. Granted, bookshelves are involved, but I still don’t see it happening.

Also, it’s unrealistic that any human being would allow Kelly Preston to scream in his face for that long during sex without asking her to please be quiet.

Risky Business

[Not embeddable, but right here]

Have you ever been on the Chicago train lines? There are stops every three feet! There’s no way that you could have sober sex on that thing without constantly being interrupted with stops, “Approaching Clark/Lake” announcements, and an influx of commuters dressed like 1980’s breakdancers.

Joel is by all accounts a virgin at this point, so perhaps they only needed a stop or two, but still, the likelihood of finding an unoccupied car is next to zero.

Mara Wilson – Matilda

Date of Birth: Jul 24, 1987

Mara Wilson found fame at a young age in films like Mrs. Doubtfire and Miracle on 34th Street. She then went on to take the lead in Matilda for director Danny Devito. Nowadays, she’s old enough to knock back a few limoncello’s with the slurry little halfling.

Jonathan Lipnicki - Jerry Maguire

Date of Birth: October 22, 1990

Okay. He’s not quite twenty-one yet, but he’s pretty close. Besides, this kid was huge for a year or two. You don’t think he was chasing the dragon at all in that time? How else would you explain The Littlest Vampire?

Liam Aiken – Stepmom

Date of Birth: January 7th, 1990

Remember this kid? He was in everything. Stepmom, Road to Perdition, Sweet November, Lemony Snickett’s, and Good Boy! These days, he can be seen in the new television series, A Gifted Man, as well as down at the local watering hole.