6 photosJennifer Garner

Oh but what they find is far more gruesome. It’s their perfect kid that they had just geeked out over. But how is this so and who is this kid? And why are his arms so long?? We here at Screen Junkies feel it best that a child like this be turned over to the government for dissection. Just think of what we could learn from this strange visitor.

FUN FACT: If you watch this trailer in reverse, Jennifer Garner buries a child alive.

Russell Brand and Helen Mirren are so good, it makes Arthur entertaining. It’s still the same old contrived Hollywood formula, and it’s not a particularly good version of it, but Brand and Mirren have fun throughout.

In case this seems like an original idea to you, Arthur (Brand) is a billionaire heir to the Bach Worldwide corporation. He gets into trouble dressing as Batman and crashing a Batmobile, which embarrasses his mother Vivienne. Vivienne plans to marry him off to Susan (Jennifer Garner), otherwise she’ll cut him off. It’s at that exact point in his life and the story that he meets whimsical Grand Central Terminal tour guide Naomi (Greta Gerwig). So he’s torn between keeping his money and going with his heart, and his nanny Hobson (Mirren) tries to steer him right.

This is mainly a collection of contrived set pieces, but that’s where Brand does his best work. He goes all out in the proposal dinner scene and doesn’t miss an opportunity to jump around, be foolish or slip in a clever joke. Brand is having fun sneering at the formula he’s stuck in, down to Arthur’s stint working in a candy store.

Hobson is funny despite being pretty mean. Calling women streetwalkers and tarts is just bullying, but Mirren is so classy she pulls off the humor in it. Her references to spoilers are more appreciated than putdowns. Susan is a totally one dimensional villain obsessed with money and status. Her drunk dominatrix schtick is beneath Garner.

Arthur is a good character. As much of his recklessness is selfless, giving away money or helping people achieve their dreams, as the other half is hedonistic. He does want noble things like conversation in a relationship, so the physical promises Susan makes actually offend his sensibilities.

The only modern touches are a brief mention of the recession and an upskirt (upkilt) shot of Arthur’s blurred out junk. I guess you could also count how this remake does what all Hollywood comedies do now and goes all serious. But the movie doesn’t seem to know when Arthur’s learned his lesson so it keeps getting serious and goes way past heartwarming. Then it takes so long to work out the plot with a wedding, running around Queens naked and another whole montage.

You won’t mind watching Arthur because of Brand and Mirren, and Gerwig is sweet, but there’s nothing memorable or hilarious. It’s just pleasant enough, which can be fine. Sometimes we just want to see pretty people have fun. That’s all this Arthur is.

A word from Jennifer: “There’s something so interesting about the combination of vulnerability and being completely in control at the same time.”

However, you have a problem. Who’s gonna want to see a movie about an old person? Let’s conveniently forget that Up made $738 million dollars for your studio. So, you need to completely undermine everything that’s important about the franchise and cast Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple. Yup, that just happened. Garner will star as the spinster sleuth in the Miss Marple reboot. She will probably wear a bikini and make a sly joke at the beginning about not being “some old lady.”

Yes, rather than create a whole new detective movie franchise for Garner, they wanted the somewhat known name “Miss Marple” so much that Disney was willing to murder the basic premise of the character. That’s my hypothesis anyway. Let’s bring in Inspector Poirot to solve this mystery, before Disney turns him into a schlubby slacker perfect for Seth Rogen. (Deadline)

“[A] pharmacist (Renner) who begins a prescription drug-fueled affair with a trophy wife (Garner) that leads to the two plotting to kill her husband.”

That sounds pretty cool, actually. The movie is to be written and directed by David Posamentier and Geoff Moore, probably during a 4-month prescription drug binge. I hope there’s Cialis involved! (The Playlist)

Back Roads follows adolescent Harley Altmyer (who I believe wrote the Beverly Hills Cop theme song), while he is forced to care for his sisters after his mother is sent to jail for killing their abusive father. The book is set in Pennsylvania coal country, so one could expect a Winter’s Bone/The Deerhunter vibe from the bleak setting.  This light-hearted romp will feature Andrew Garfield as Harley, Jennifer Garner as the object of his lust, Callie, and Marcia Gay Harden as Harley’s therapist. Veteran helmer Adrian Lyne (Unfaithful, Fatal Attraction) will direct the adaptation. Bring on the laughs!

While I always take anything Oprah does with a grain of salt, her minions are generally pretty good at picking out books, and both the cast and plot sound engaging, so I’m gonna go ahead and give this news two loud “You Go, Girl”s (Coming Soon)

Everyone wants a piece of that Jennifer Garner ass! Ahem, I mean talent. The in demand actress is in talks to star in Better Living Through Chemistry opposite Jeremy Renner, another actor who’s grabbin’ up roles. Garner has also signed on for The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Dolla dolla bills, ya’ll. Gotta support those Affleck kids somehow. Vulture has the deets:

Better Living Through Chemistry is a dramatic thriller about a small-town pharmacist (Renner) stuck in a loveless marriage who embarks on an affair with a "trophy wife" (Garner). She introduces him to prescription drugs, as it goes, and that’s when “things spin out of control” as the pair begins to devise a scheme to off Garner’s husband.

The modern-day fable Timothy Green centers around a child-prodigy musician and his parents: Garner would play the mother, and we hear an offer is out to Mark Wahlberg to star opposite her as the dad, though he’s expected to pass. (Vulture also hears that Joaquin Phoenix is on the "next step" of candidates to be offered the part if Wahlberg does say no.)

Peter Hedges (About a Boy) is signed on to direct the latter of the two films, and if Joaquin gets cast Hedges will have his hands full trying to keep the looney tunes actor away from the impressionable young talent. Number one rule on set is no matter what Joaquin tells you, he DOES NOT have the secrets to success. His lessons always end in pooping on someone’s personal property.

Nick Nolte may take time away from his passion (rooting around through pizzeria garbage cans) to fulfill his other passion (being an actor in Hollywood movies). It’s reported that both Nolte and Jennifer Garner are in negotiations to appear in the Arthur remake.

Russell Brand will star as the titular drunk with Helen Mirren as his nanny and Greta Gerwig as the love interest who causes him to choose between marrying for love or money. Just like on those reality shows. If talks are successful, Garner will play the heiress that Brand is forced to marry and Nolte will play her religious father. Should negotiations fall flat, hopefully Nolte will stick around as a consultant to Brand. If you’re playing a character who wakes up after a bender in the bucket of an excavator, it’d be handy to have someone on set with that kind of experience. (THR)

I’d rather stop writing about casting news for the satirical comedy Butter, but they keep landing hot chicks so I must oblige. Last week Jennifer Garner) who attempts to win a butter-carving title formerly held by her husband (Ty Burrell), only to be thwarted by a young black girl (Yara Ahahidi). In mirrors the themes of the 2008 Democratic primary, but with butter. If I had one gripe about that particular primary, it was that it didn’t have enough butter, even with Bill Clinton there. (Movieline)

Ashley Greene enjoys butter so much she’s signed on to co-star in a movie about it. The film centers on an Iowa woman (played by Jennifer Garner) who attempts to win a butter-carving title formerly held by her husband (Ty Burrell), only to be thwarted by a young black girl (Yara Ahahidi). Wait, where’s the part about Greene slathered in hydrogenated oil? This has been one big tease! 

Greene will play a rebellious high schooler named Kaitlen Pickler in the film directed by Jim Field Smith, who also directed hottie Alice Eve in She’s Out of My League. Just a suggestion, but a movie starring Ashley Greene, Alice Eve, butter, and absolutely no premise sounds like box office gold. Mainly because I would personally see it 250,000,000 times. (THR)

Wait. A movie that makes you look smart while you secretly daydream about the creamy taste of fresh butter? Brett Ratner is going to get soooo laid on date night. (Variety)