Kimmel has a history of mocking Leno both on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and on The Tonight Show, where he slammed Leno to his face in almost roast-like fashion. Seems that wasn’t enough.

Kimmel  as he prepares to go straight up against David Letterman and Leno in the 11:35 slot in January. Kimmel doesn’t appear to have been wronged by Jay Leno…he just really doesn’t like him.

Which seems to be how most of America feels. Stay tuned tomorrow, when Barack Obama is expected to call Leno an “unfunny cunt weasel.”

Here’s what the King of All Media had to say about the matter:

“I got a threatening kind of comment from one of the executives,” Stern told listeners on Tuesday, Aug. 21. “I was laughing my ass off. I said, ‘Do not tell me to not talk about Jay Leno. I will f—ing talk about Jay Leno for four hours if you tell me not to. I was done with Jay, now I’m all fired up again. F— Jay!”

Yes, yes. Fuck Jay.

It’s beginning to become clear that Anthony Bourdain and Howard Stern are kindred spirits when it comes to biting the hand that feeds them. Also, they kind of look alike. If Howard Stern starts railing on Emeril, though, I’m going to need to see both of them in the same room for confirmation they’re different people.

Stern told Letterman that NBC brass have tried to force the new America’s Got Talent judge to promote the program on The Tonight Show, but Stern refused, saying, “I’m a Letterman guy.” He then revealed that he didn’t realize the Late Night Wars had ended with Dave calling off any future salvos. Except, of course, for Letterman commenting that if he found out Leno had won a People’s Choice award, it would be “like hearing Manson has been paroled.”

So, war back on? (USA Today)

Hmm. Leno? Mitt Romney? Bakersfield? We better hurry up and get through this. I’m already boring myself.

Dr. Randheep Dhillon is filing a lawsuit against Leno for a joke that implied Mitt Romney is so rich (HOW RICH IS HE?) that he uses India‘s Harmandir Sahib, better known as the Golden Temple of Amritsar, as a summer home.

Hold on. I’ll write more as soon as I can compose myself from all this laughter. What a strange joke for mainstream America. Granted, Leno just put up a picture of a shiny Indian palace, that people could probably discern was lavish without knowing its context or name, but still. I would have thought he would have used a picture of Donald Trump‘s hair or something to get a laugh.

Dhillon claims that Leno “falsely portrays the holiest place in the Sikh religion as a vacation resort owned by a non-Sikh,” and as such is suing him for general and punitive damages. I will be the first one to admit that, yes, Jay Leno did falsely portray that holy place as Romney’s summer home. There’s not much to debate there. I will also concede that it was a “joke,” and that this law suit might be the most asinine thing I’ve heard this month.

Further, I’m also furious for this man being so stupid and wrong that I’m forced to side with Jay Leno. Goddamn you for forcing me into this position, Randheep!

“Your honor, I would like to further contend that Mr. Leno is also guilty of pulling a Thomas Crown-like ruse with the Dancing Itos. He intentionally misled us as to both the number of Lance Itos in existence and their ability to dance to funky 70′s hits.”

Oh well. At least his joke didn’t kill anyone this time.

Every year, they say, ‘Drive safe’. I’m gonna say, ‘Don’t drive safe’. I wanna see somebody go down. So it’ll be fun. I want it to be in front or behind me and see a whole row of bikes go down. Get drunk, fall off the road. We’ve all become too damn polite… We haven’t had one incident.

As much as I hate Jay Leno (and I hate Jay Leno), I’m sure he feels very bad that obviously jokes were made before such a tragedy. And truth be told, I find his off-color remarks here far less offensive than his painfully vanilla banter with bandleader Kevin Eubanks. And in all fairness, Leno has donated ten guided tours of his garage for auction to help cover costs associated with the accidents that day, which is actually a pretty nice gesture.

But if nothing else, seeing these ads made me wonder how the networks decide which shows to promote. With the abundance of crap on television, there must be quite a deliberation process. With that in mind, I set to work harassing my dozens of insider contacts, and was given access to the following rejected ‘For Your Emmy Consideration’ ads. I hope you find them as insightful as I have.

“The Hasselhoffs”

So the new documentary Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop takes us back to a time many one year and a few months ago, where O’Brien left “The Tonight Show” and embarked on a 32-state tour of the country called “The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour.” Looks like we’re getting a close-up look at the man behind the red mop… but will we like what we see?

Yeah, probably. Director Rodman Flender takes us into the Cone-Zone Jun 24, 2011 in limited release. You can read out our review of Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop here.

In the clip above, Stern says Leno is “horrible” and “talentless,” and Letterman only laughed in response. We used Google Translator to convert Nervous Laughter into English, and Letterman’s response was, “duh, but I’m gonna keep my mouth shut, cause I don’t want to get uncomfortable looks from Rickey Minor at parties.”

Stern also thinks that during last year’s Superbowl commercial, Letterman should have “finish[ed] him off” when he had the chance. I’d watch that this year. Of course, we’ve already seen the results of a full on Leno / Letterman battle, and it ain’t pretty for either host. (CBS News)

Some folks are saying Conan O’Brien‘s ratings aren’t very good, because he’s getting beaten regularly by rivals Jay Leno and David Letterman. First, please take a moment to “boo” the name Jay Leno out loud in front of your computer.

Done? Good. Now, here’s the problem: “Conan” on TBS seems to always have less total viewers and often less 18-49 year old viewers than the shows of his older counterparts. However, thanks to newfangled TV gadgets, we now have “plus 7 ratings,” which counts viewers who watch a show on DVR up to 7 days after recording it (and has nothing to do with sneaking way too many of your friends into a party).

If you factor in O’Brien’s plus 7, as his William Morris Endeavor agent Rick Rosen said he does in a recent statement, then Coco is a Hit-O.

“The ratings system needs to catch up to the viewing patterns and the world,” declared Rosen, adding: “To me it’s the most significant challenge to television today.”

Conan‘s audience is younger too. On average, O’Brien’s audience is a Twitter-Trackin’ 34, compared to Leno and Letterman’s Twitter-Fearin’ mid-50s. So maybe “size” isn’t everything. Being young and gangly counts for something too. (Hollywood Reporter)

Entertaining millions of people doesn’t mean you’re funny. It could just mean that you have an army of interns who can clip newspaper headlines, or a passing knowledge of who Octomom is. Strangely, Conan O’Brien has never received the award, despite being a Harvard alum and, you know, funny. Could the Hasty Pudding Club have an ace up its sleeve with this announcement? Will Conan jump out of a cake and bite Jay Leno in the crotch? Could this be the elaborate staging of a humo intervention? Probably not, but this news is something of a shock. I’d like to think that it’s just the result of NBC kicking over a shit ton of money to the club, rather than just a monumental lapse in judgement and reason.

Stern also took a big dump on Leno’s audience too:

“He’s not fit to scrub David Letterman‘s feet,” he goes on. “I don’t know how he’s beaten David Letterman in the ratings. It’s beyond my comprehension. America must be filled with morons who at night lay in bed — the ones who are watching him, they must be in a coma.”

When the Conan controversy erupted, I really hated Leno. Now that it’s all died down, I don’t know… it’s not that I think he’s even remotely amusing. It’s just that he’s so milquetoast, it’s hard for me to feel anything about him. I have no strong like or dislike of Wonder Bread, Matthew Sweet or the Toyota Camry either – they just kind of are. However, if Stern wants to spend the energy to hate him, I wish “The King of All Media That’s Satellite Radio” lots of luck. (Hollywood Reporter)

Conan O’Brien’s new TBS show begins on November 8th, and the network is starting to ramp up promotion. In this sexy new ad, Coco prepares for his new gig by washing off his desk. But instead of getting clean, Conan gets down and dirty in a scene reminiscent of Paris Hilton‘s famously slutty Carl’s Jr. ad campaign.

While watching Conan get sprayed with a garden hose was pretty hot, I would have rather seen Jay Leno get sprayed with a fire hose, preferably in the face and genitals. But that’s just me. (Coming Soon)

Watch Conan’s sexy new promo after the jump…

In a scene reminiscent of a sociopath feigning empathy, Jay Leno used self-deprecating humor to mask his seething rage over being snubbed at the Emmy nominations. During his nightly monologue, Leno "playfully" pointed out that while his show received four nominations, he received none. The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences instead chose to recognize Conan O’Brien, the man who Leno robbed of "The Tonight Show."

Sure, the entertainment news shows and the gossip columnists will claim Leno is a "class act" who is "being gracious in defeat." But watch this video for about 15 seconds, and tell me his fake smile and involuntary hand slaps aren’t vain attempts to hide the urge to kill! (Deadline)

See Jay Leno trying desperately to suppress his rage after the jump.

NBC premiered the first promo for Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show during last night’s Olympics broadcast. The results were not so good. Actually it’s not entirely fair to call this a new promo. It’s literally the same footage he used for his The Jay Leno Show promo with the Beatle’s "Get Back" over-dubbed. Talk about polishing a turd. Get back to where you once belonged? I’ll tell you where you can get back to, Leno. You can get back to, um, elsewhere. (Burned him.)

Of course, Kevin Eubanks won’t come along for the ride but for now we can seek solace in knowing that someone out there will ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, "Hey Vince Vaughn. What is your favorite sandwich?" For the record, the answer is all of them. Vince likes all the sandwiches.

^{"If you come on my show, I’ll pay you twice what Conan did to masturbate half as much."}

The most recent Late Night Wars have taken another casualty. Kevin Eubanks, The Tonight Show‘s snickering sweater-enthusiast and band leader, is reportedly leaving the show after the March 1st debut of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: The Squeakquel. According to Extra, Kevin "wanted a change" which is Hollywood-speak for "f*ck this sh*t." There’s no word yet on what other opportunities Eubanks plans to pursue or how Leno will move forward without his only fan. Hootie and the Blowfish’s Hootie Darius Rucker is rumored to be replacing. He’d better work on his Hibbert.

Good move Jay. Now how are we supposed to know when you’ve told a joke? (Extra)

Bill Carter is ready to write again. The New York Times TV industry writer is hard at work on a sequel of sorts to The Late Shift, the behind-the-scenes look at the dirty pool involved to succeed Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show. Of course, the recent late night shake-up will be the subject of his new book.

"I’m reaching out to everyone I possibly can to get every side of the story. I don’t just pick one and stick with that guy."

Carter is still writing but is said to be rushing to get the book on Kindles as soon as possible. I really couldn’t care about the book. I’m more excited for the inevitable HBO adaptation that will be aired repeatedly for 15 years.  Maybe Jimmy Kimmel could play Leno if Arzt from Lost isn’t available to do it again. (Gawker)

^{"Aaaahhhh!!!! Jay’s way better at this sucking up thing that I am!!!!"}

Elderly Americans may have a reason to celebrate and pound together their leathery, wrinkled, gnarled palms today. TMZ reported this afternoon that the ink is drying on a contract between NBC and Jay Leno for him to take back The Tonight Show. They report that Jay is in and the increasingly-disgruntled Conan O’Brien is out.

HOWEVS, The Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting that NBC denies any such contract exists. But what does NBC know and will there be a Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien much longer? Right now, that all depends on which news outlet you trust more; the one that carries an esteemed reputation or the one that posts pictures of dead celebrities. And if Conan is deposed, where will he go? Everyone’s saying FOX and they do have an opening since The Magic Johnson Show was canceled, but Nikke Finke reports that Jeff Zucker has plans to "ice" O’Brien with a no-compete clause that would keep him off of any rival network "for 3 1/2 years."

Story is developing and I will personally let all the old people in my family know what shakes out. For the meantime, they are to sit in their favorite chair and wear the Snuggie I sent them for Christmas. I’ll alert you when it’s time to assemble and do the wave.

It was only a matter of time until the ruthless dictator made his opinion of The Tonight Show controversy known. He’s clearly on Team O’Brien, and is infuriated that NBC ruined his vacation to sunny Southern California. It was going to be suck a nice weekend for Hitler in Los Angeles. He was so looking forward to sitting in The Tonight Show audience and giggling joyfully at Conan’s floppy red hair. And now NEIN!

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_{As ordered by NBC, Leno administers the two-fingered enema.}

The gloves are off in the NBC/Leno/O’Brien debacle! Yesterday we reported that Leno might be replacing Conan on The Tonight Show, and now today we’ve learned it’s not so much replacing as it is violently nudging. Apparently the suits over at NBC have given Leno his 11:30PM time slot back. Conan has the choice of either taking the 12:00AM, in which case Leno’s show would be a half hour, or he can also decide to f*ck off completely. If Conan tells NBC brass to go screw themselves then Leno will get a full hour. So much hostility. Sto fighting, mommy and daddy, you’re doing harm to the children!

I suppose poor ratings for both shows can be blamed on this trist, or the fact that old people find Conan awkward looking and obnoxious, but it really all comes down to one super villain… You guessed it: Studio Mogul-Man.

Smug son of a bitch…

(via TMZ)

^{"Take him." "Take him."}

TMZ is reporting that NBC has a plan to fix their Leno problem but unfortunately it doesn’t solve our Leno problem. Due to very poor ratings, the network is reportedly moving Leno back to his 11:30pm timeslot. No word yet on the validity of this report or how it will effect The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. Will Conan be pushed back an hour or ousted completely? This treatment is a bitch slap in the face to O’Brien considering his years with the network and the fact he uprooted to sunny California for the hosting gig. Don’t they realize the sun can turn a ginger to ash? (TMZ)