In cranking out three sequels, most recently with American Reunion, the producers have kept scrounging for reasons to check in with the Great Falls Class of 1999. The second one offered a summer together during college. The third one offered Jim’s wedding. And this installment offers perhaps the most convoluted reason yet: A 13-year reunion. Why 13 years? It’s better if you don’t ask, but a throwaway explanation is given in the film.

Years later, we see that the hopeful, fun kids we met in high school are now just really, really boring adults trying to navigate adult-y issues that aren’t that fun to watch. There’s something far less interesting and more sad about a married couple (Jim and Michelle) trying to get their sex life back on track than there is about goofy teenagers stepping into that world for the first time, or even the second and third. That might be due to the fact that personalities tend to shine a little less bright as people make their way to adulthood, but a bigger factor is probably that the actors aren’t exactly breaking new ground here.

I don’t know how long it’s been since Eddie Kaye Thomas or Thomas Ian Nicholas have had to carry a film or even a scene, but they move through this film like they are contractually obligated to perform for zero dollars. The caveat of the premise is that adults ARE more boring, so there’s a decent chance that the two aforementioned actors nailed their roles, but in doing so made their characters so real that they fail to hold our interest.

The opening of the film sets the table in efficient fashion, offering us peeks into the lives of the characters. The title scene offers us the first cringe-worthy sex gag in the same way the Scream opening scenes offer us our first vicious kill. It shows Jim and Michelle in adjacent rooms masturbating, and (MILD SPOILER ALERT!) Jim slams his dick in a laptop. The couple realizes marriage and child-rearing has caused them to lose their spark in bed.

Oz (Chris Klein) is a famous sportscaster, living the dream life with his uber-hot girlfriend played by Katrina Bowden. It becomes almost instantly clear that despite the façade of a dream life, he isn’t quite as Hollywood as his partner, and longs for a more domestic existence. Cry me a goddamn river.

Kevin is something of a stay-at-home husband, whose wife has neutered him through countless viewings of The Bachelor and Real Housewives. His plight is never really developed beyond the superficial “I miss hanging with the boys” conceit, but the whole situation seems to just exist to have him fawn all over his ex, played by Tara Reid. Tara Reid manages to look like she wandered onto the set, as she has in most every role she’s ever taken.

Finch pulls up as the world’s most interesting man, having travelled the globe in a zen-like search of enlightenment. Finch’s quest to become one with the world appears to have been successful, as Thomas plays the role as if he’s been pumped full of Xanax and could have cigarettes put out on him. The restrained character seemed to unintentionally serve as an audience surrogate, just taking it all in and not really worrying what these idiots are up to, because life has a way of working out.

And Stifler. Stifler turns out the way most guys like Stifler turn out. Beaten down by life, realizing that they mortgaged their future by behaving like caged animals in high school and college. That said, Seann William Scott’s enthusiasm for the role is one of the few compelling facets of this film. He comes across as genuinely excited for the opportunity to destroy jet skis and poop in a cooler, and as such punctuates the film with the childhood whimsy that has been lacking in the sequels. Of course, this wonder is tapered by a work obligation he must address to prove that even he is capable of growing up.

These arcs are established in the first 15 minutes or so of the film, leaving a long time for the characters to go on their predictable journeys, with breasts and painful close-up of Jason Biggs penis along the way. It would seem that, since the first film, the American Pie franchise has turned into the Police Academy of sex comedies. There’s a starting point, an ending point, and a parade of scenes that can be played in any order without much affecting where the film ends up. When the characters were 20, the journey was the point, but now it gets more difficult to figure out what the point of the film really is.

A few offhand comments:

• John Cho appears briefly in a great scene that demonstrates that enthusiasm for this film is best confined to 45-second bursts.
• We see Jason Bigg’s penis. Whether we want to or not.
• Jim’s Dad lost his wife. Although it’s glossed over, it’s probably the only genuinely stirring moment of the film.
• Chris Klein really looks the part of an over-the-top sportscaster. I would watch him on ESPN, provided he changed his catchphrase.
• It’s truly amazing that this film still holds sacred its silly generic 90’s-rock soundtracks. The music sucks, but it’s one of the more charming and nostalgic features this far into the franchise.

In honor of the release of American Reunion, which hits theaters April 6th, we’ve put together this reenactment of the original film’s most famous scene. Only instead of an awkward teenager going to town on an apple pie, there’s an old man humping away on the titular dessert. I hope you like old-man ass, cause this clip’s got it in spades. Bonus points for the extremely elderly Eugene Levy stand in.

Perhaps what distinguishes this film from American Wedding (ugh) is the fact that the nostalgia here is a lot more warranted, and the kids are all grown up. Sure, there are some contrivances, like Eugene “Caterpillars” Levy banging out Stifler’s Mom and the whole babysitter plotline, but when I hear the opening notes of “Closing Time” by Semisonic, or that familiar chorus from “Laid” by James, I’m a dumb 19 year-old again.

Also, let’s all enjoy how similar 2012 Jason Biggs looks to 1999 Jason Biggs, and marvel at how Thomas Ian Nichols seems to have aged more than the once-homeless Natasha Lyonne. Poor Thomas Ian Nichols. He peaked with Little Big League. Or Rookie of the Year. Does it really matter which one he was ACTUALLY in?

We’ve seen a teaser before, but this is our first look at the full cast returning for American Reunion. Where the teaser gave us a notion of the R-Rated antics we’re in store for, this trailer goes the clean route and merely points out how these actors never really rose above these roles. Who would have thought that an American Pie sequel could be such a lame attempt to cash in on name recognition?

God must really hate this guy.

Are you telling me this wife is so lazy that she won’t even blow her own husband on his birthday? COME ON!

Read the story, because it’s pretty funny and interesting (link above). However, if you want some fun out-of-context quotes, try these:

“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?”

“In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels.”

“…I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job.”

“Oh my god I am a monster!”

And my all time favorite…

“The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work.”

Remember when you used to wake up in the morning, a song in your heart and twinkle in your eye because you had never thought about Jason Biggs‘ “semi erect penis?” Those days are over.

Also, a blowjob with a condom? For his birthday? COME ON!

That’s crap. The show should only pick stars baed on their unintentional humor quotient. This quotient could be an amalgam of: how strange the person looks, how seriously they take themselves, how logistically difficult it would be for that person to participate in a dance contest, and other factors that would make the show tolerable to watch.

9. Steve Buscemi

We see him dance (well) on Boardwalk Empire, but that context lends itself to taking him seriously. I want to see Mr. Buscemi dressed up in a black leather jacket with greased hair, tossing some girl in a poodle skirt around to “Rock Around The Clock.”

8. Kristen Stewart

Why? Because twitchy people have a difficult time sitting still when they are being lowered for tango dips. Also, the sour look on her face while performing the Charleston would be indicative of the duality of man, or something.

7. Peter Dinklage

Because he’s so short, you see?

The American Pie sequels

It may seem obvious, but the best way to get your fix of summer movies like American Pie is to go straight to the source. That is, check out the sequels. Both of the sequels in the “official series,” American Pie 2 and American Wedding, have the same sensibility as the first American Pie movie (duh), and they were released in the summer too. Why settle for an imitation when you can get authentic-Jason-Biggs-sexually-humiliating-himself action?

Clueless

Alicia Silverstone getting mugged in Clueless

While it may not have the same level of raunchiness as American Pie, Clueless qualifies due to their similarly comedic approaches to life as an American teenager. If you’re looking for scenes of apple pies getting penetrated, look elsewhere. But if you just want to laugh at teenagers in a sunny outdoor milieu—i.e. teenagers being stupid in Southern California—you’ve come to the right place!

Bring It On

Kirsten Dunst's "naked" dream in Bring It On

Hey, not all summer movies like American Pie are masterpieces. But Bring It On is high school movie that came out in the summer—what else do you want? Bring It On is a little more by-the-book than American Pie, focusing on a climactic cheer leading competition and all, but it still shares a certain sensibility with it—which is again, laughing at teenagers as they struggle with their “problems”. It also follows in the grand American Pie tradition of having a ton of direct-to-video sequels that have almost nothing to do with the original. Not to mention, it features Hottie McHotkins (AKA Eliza Dusku) and Kirsten Dunst back when she was still cute.

Superbad

McLovin' dancing in Superbad

Finally, a summer movie like American Pie that actually comes close to matching its raunchiness factor. In the language-and-crudely-drawn-penises department, anyway. Its plot, involving two teenagers on a mad quest to get laid makes it similar to American Pie, and as an added bonus, most would agree that Superbad is a funnier, better, and more authentic depiction of teenage life than American Pie. So what we’re really trying to say is that what you should be looking for is “summer movies like Superbad.”

The House Bunny

Girls post makeover in House Bunny

If this list is any indication, a good chunk of summer movies like American Pie are targeted at the fairer sex. The House Bunny is no different, featuring Anna Farris as a former Playboy bunny who becomes a sorority house mother. And unlike a lot of teen  comedies, it actually got a fair amount of critical praise, albeit praise that singled out Anna Farris’ performance as being somewhat too good for the material. Still, it counts.

Your search for summer movies like American Pie might last until your dying breath, but this list should make your quest a little easier. If nothing else, the movies on this list will make remembering YOUR awkward teenage years that much easier/funnier. And if you’re still in your teenage years now, uh, sorry?

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Thomas Ian Nicholas, John Cho, Shannon Elizabeth, and yes, Sean William Scott, all return for American Reunion on April 6, 2012. (TooFab)

Meanwhile, you can also take part in the open audition for American Reunion, the latest American Pie movie. There are many returning cast members in this one, so you can chat on-set and in-person with Jason Biggs, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Mena Suvari. I know, better put on shades, cause the stars will be shining brightly where you’re going. Here’s a description of what Universal is looking for:

“Kara is the sweet girl next door you used to babysit… now she’s a senior in high school and a full blown hottie. We are looking for someone funny, smart and beautiful to be a part of this next installment of the American Pie franchise. [...] Upper frontal nudity is required.”

Upper frontal… but that would mean… the boob area. Nice.

If you’re actually seriously thinking about doing this, head to americanreunioncasting.com.

Stiffler, band camps and pie sexing will all be back in theaters April 6, 2012. The first three were Summer releases, which makes me wonder if Universal thinks this pie will be tasty enough for blockbusterdom. However, on a high note (that’s gonna be a pun – wait for it), the film is being written and directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg of “Harold and Kumar” fame. (Note the word “high” earlier.)

The cast include a veritable who’s-who of actors who have nothing better going on, including Jason Biggs, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein, and American Pie All-Star Check Collector Eugene Levy. Other Pie alums are playing hard-to-get, but will almost certainly acquiesce, like Tara Reid and Mena Suvari. (TheWrap)

1. The film will center around the characters’ 10-yea high school reunion.
2. Oz is the one who made it big, on a reality dancing show.
3. Stiffler, on the other hand, is not doing well, professionally or romantically.
4. The now happily-married Jim has to fend off the advances of next-door-neighbor Kara, who apparently has a thing for “pie-f*ckers.”
5. This doesn’t sit well with Marco, who’s dating Kara (drama!)
6. Stiffler makes it with Laurie, who was hot in high school but is now 80 pounds less hot.
7. Jim has “gone viral,” as the kids say, for his performance with from way back with Nadia
8. Oz brings a girlfriend who apparently is only with him for his money.
9. Stiffler has a wacky plan to attend the reunion and go to work – on the same weekend!
10. Former bandcamp attendee Michelle is hot now, teaching us all a valuable lesson about hotness.

And now I’ve officially written more about American Reunion than I ever thought I would. You’re welcome. It’s not like I had anything better to do. (via What’s Playing)

“Without giving too much away obviously, I have sex with a sheet cake in the second episode,” Biggs joked at the Television Critics Association winter press tour today. “Don’t know if that’s a spoiler alert. Sorry guys.”

Seriously though, there are some TV-friendly shenanigans that may qualify as American Pie light. “Let’s be honest, those were very R-rated, some pushing NC-17 scenarios,” Biggs said. “I do lose my pants in Staten Island. You do see me pantsless which I think is what my fans demand of me in general.”

Biggs plays Ben, who’s falling for Kate (Sarah Chalke). His best friend Larry (Tyler Labine) feuds with Kate’s friend Connie (Judy Greer). At least there’s no happily married couple giving the two sets of lovers and fighters their sage wisdom.

Executive producer Matt Tarses said, “I have this love/hate relationship with romantic comedies. I find myself drawn to them and I also find myself hating myself for being drawn to them. What about a show that encapsulated both those attitudes? There was no room for a third attitude.”

Within that, there are the crazy de-pantsings. “Matt has written for all of us some kind of crazy situations,” Biggs said. “Inherent to this format I think is to create situations that are quite comical and crazy. For a person that does it right, they’re funny but they’re also grounded in reality somehow and they’re with characters you like. Among those, I believe there are some in every episode. One of them I lose my pants in Staten Island. The other, I have sex with a sheet cake.”

“Mad Love” premieres Feb. 21 on CBS.

Jason Biggs, the ol’ pie f*cker himself, is set to star in the film Grassroots alongside Joel David Moore, the guy who played Sigourney Weaver’s lacky in Avatar. From SeattlePI:

The film, directed and co-written by Stephen Gyllenhaal (Jake Gyllenhaal’s daddy) is based on ex-Stranger writer Phil Campbell’s book "Zioncheck for President." Grassroots retells Campbell’s work with Grant Cogswell’s quirky 2001 bid for Seattle City Council and support for the monorail expansion.

In the past ten years, Stephen Gyllenhaal has directed a few TV episodes and movies here and there, but nothing of note. Unless you consider the "Uncharted Territory" episode of "Army Wives" something of note. The real question is, can he produce a monorail piece as prolific as this:

I highly doubt it.