Crying

I’m willing to guess that Tobey Maguire would run away with this competition, but you’ll have to watch to find out! Different tactics could be used to make the contestants cry. You could describe out loud to Kate Hudson the projects she’ taken since her promising start in Almost Famous. You could tell Richard Gere exactly what people think when they hear his name, or you could show Paz de la Huerta pictures of what she looks like at photographed events.

Contestants will be judged on tear quantity, snot factor, and involuntary convulsions

F*cking

Is Krsiten Cavallari better in bed than 2011 NBA Finals MVP Dirk Nowtizki? There’s only one way to find out! However, because there are so many variables that need to be controlled, the women will have to bang the same man, and the men the same woman. Offhand, I would suggest that the women all get up on popular character actor William H. Macy, while the men bang out the chick that plays Artemis on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

40% of the score will be determined by the sex partner, 25% by a judge or referee that is extremely close to the sex, and 35% by the crowd for “style” points (flexing, licking your lips, high-pitched moans, etc). The real problem is that this premise really does preclude a “kids” version, which is a shame, cause I would watch kids do every other thing on this list, but I have to draw the line. I’m firmly entrenched in the “no” camp of the exhibition of graphic underage sex on national television. It may not be a popular stance, but it’s the one I’ve chosen to take.

Knowing how the Jackson clan operates, it’s likely that these talks could take a while. But that hasn’t stopped Irish bookmaking firm Paddypower.com from setting odds on who they think will play the once-black entertainer. Of course, the menu of choices that the site presents is batshit insane, with Johnny Depp and Zac Efron the odds-on favorites. Would anyone really bet a dollar to make four that Johnny Depp will play Michael Jackson in the Michael Jackson biopic?

Of course, the site has no idea who will play Jackson, nor does anyone else, so these odds exist solely to screw people out of their money. That said, it’s a pretty slow news day, and I feel like making fun of something, so let’s examine some of the contenders.

4/1 Johnny Depp

I guess they both have long hair. Johnny Depp has a skinny face, and a penchant for burying himself in makeup, but I just see him as too terribly “different” than MJ for this to make any sense. Of course, if there’s a big project on the horizon, it’s always a safe bet to include Depp’s name in the discussions, but not at these odds.

If Tim Burton’s name gets mentioned, these odds flip to ¼.

9/2 Zac Efron

WHY? Why would Zac Efron even be on this list? Because he’s a living, breathing actor? That’s pretty much the only reason he would be included. Charlie St. Cloud danced in that High School Musical series, but that’s a far cry from playing the King of Pop in a biopic. Also, this seems a good time to bring up that I would love to see any of these adult actors play young, black Michael. Especially if the actor is white. I would love to see Zac in blackface and an afro wig singing “Rockin’ Robin.” I can actually hear NAACP execs snapping pencils as I think about it.

6/1 Usher

He dances as well as Michael, but he looks absolutely nothing like him. And considering his best acting credit so far is as the DJ in She’s All That, we should probably keep moving.

6/1 Jaden Smith

Or Willow. I don’t really know what the difference is anyway. I mean, the best way to demonstrate the path that a damage adult (Jackson) went down is to portray them with a damaged child actor on the same path (either Smith tot). Will Smith could play Joe Jackson, which sort of makes sense. This choice is my odds-on favorite, but far from my personal fave.

8/1 Will Smith

No. Just imagine this for a second. Then stop imagining it because you will laugh too hard and hurt yourself. Well, maybe. It is the new millennium. Excuse me. Willenium.

8/1 Jamie Foxx

He was a good fit for Ray. He’s a bad fit for Michael. Can someone please tell this Irish bookie that not all black people look the same?

10/1 Andre 3000

Personal fave. Right here. I think I could watch Andre 3000 mow the lawn for 120 minutes and be entertained. He can sing, he can dance, he can sort of act, and he looks like a Jackson more than anyone else on this list. Plus, he would probably toss a song or two on the soundtrack, possibly an MJ cover, and that would be amazeballs.

12/1 Justin Timberlake

Just Timberlake can sing and dance but is white. Also, he’s big fan of Michael’s, so I doubt that he’ll be eager to take on this role.

12/1 Randy Jackson

Nope. Randy Jackson weighs like 460 pounds, Dawg.

7 photosDiane Kruger

Nemo Nobody (Jared Leto) narrates apparently from the morgue, although he dies several different deaths in an opening montage. Actually, he’s the last living mortal in 2092, about to die of natural causes at age 118. Everyone else has quasi-immortality thanks to stem cell compatible pigs they carry, I assume to regenerate any failing organs.

Old Nemo tells his life story to a reporter. Early on he introduces the concept of the butterfly effect, only Nemo lives every possible outcome at the same time. There are three different women he loves, each as teens and as adults, has different kids with each and he either lives with his mother or father after their divorce. There are more permutations so I lost count, but you totally follow them all.

I relate to most movies by thinking about my past. Mr. Nobody has me evaluating my future. What if we could experience every possible choice we have to make in life? The transitions are seamless. Often the realities change through a matching object in both worlds, but whatever the transition, we know exactly where we are.

Writer/director Jaco van Dormael gets trippy like nothing Fincher, Aronofsky, Malick or Bergman have done. A scene where street signs and mirrors guide Nemo is amazing. Nemo’s footsteps appear ahead of him. Primordial babies choose which parents to be conceived under. Helicopters drop cubes of ocean into the surf. A scene jitters as Nemo’s typewriter jams, as if he’s writing it, and that’s the only time it happens. You’ll see the old Monty Python foot stomping gag in live action!

All of Nemo’s lives are painful. No matter what he chooses, he experiences heartbreak, death of loved ones, his own death, and clinical depression. My future seems brighter, but the film makes the strong point that every experience is worthwhile. The goal isn’t to choose the easiest path. It’s to LIVE.

The ultimate explanation may be more obvious than you expect, but the exploration of the concept is so profound, that’s the mind-blower. You could say it’s memory, where every permutation of our life can exist in our visualization, but I think it’s even deeper metaphysically. As Anna (Diane Kruger) suggests, there could be a cosmic event that crunches every timeline together simultaneously.

The finale totally gives you a new way to look at the film so you could see it again knowing different information. I could write this review again after everyone’s seen the film, so we can talk about that perspective. That’s what the film wants, to get us thinking beyond beginning to end, but I still live in that world. I can only imagine the nonlinear experience of Mr. Nobody.

Until 1:08, when the 30 Seconds To Mars song “This Is War” kicks in. Yeah, the title is “This Is War,” but let’s face it, “This Is A Seriously Lame Song Choice For A Medieval Period Show.” It took me out of the stor faster than a bunch of actors riding horses through a series of outdoor locations. Whoever invited Jared Leto‘s band into Camelot, please kindly throw him into the moat outside the castle.

King Arthur’s reign over Starz begins April 1st. (Hollywood Reporter)

I’m not 100% certain that this isn’t Jared Leto. Skip to the end to see the final product. (VideoGum)

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Director: Jaco van Dormael

Cast: Jared Leto, Diane Kruger, Sarah Polley

Synopsis: A tale that spans different time zones of the 20th and 21st centuries.

Genre: Drama

Release Date: October 7, 2009