Producer Frank Marshall got to talking with Collider about the likelihood of having Harrison Ford fight Nazis in Atlantis or whatever, and though his response was fairly measured, he did make it seem highly unlikely.

“I say, for me, [Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is] the last hurrah. I know that yes, we talk about it, but there’s no idea, there’s no MacGuffin… [Lucas] isn’t [hungry to do another Indiana Jones].”

Lucas recently retired and left his role at Lucasfilm to Marshall’s wife, Kathleen Kennedy. He doesn’t seem to be working on an Indiana Jones script at this time. Let’s pray he doesn’t read my Atlantis joke above and get inspired.

Here are five reasons why a fifth installment is a very, very bad idea.

IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM

Ford has said that he’s more than game for another if the script is there. He’s also been pretty open that cash is the motivating factor here. Why? Doesn’t he have enough that he can afford to try out new roles and take a risk on new franchises? Calista Flockhart can’t possibly be eating him out of house and home. He should take a page out of Indy’s book and realize that greed always leads to demise. In the words of Professer Henry Jones Sr., “Indiana… let it go.”

HIGHLY-UNLIKELY PLOT

Throughout his adventures Indiana Jones has killed approximately 9 million Nazis. Give or take. Don’t you think that the Nazis – a highly-organized and brutal killing force — would seek retribution on the part-time adventurer/college professor? Yes. He’s used to tumbling with assassins, but his guard can’t always be up. You’d just figure that they’d find a way to off him before he reaches old age. He can’t always have a monkey around to taste his food.

PRESERVE THE MEMORY

With each slapdash return to the well, the overall memory of Indiana Jones is sullied. Mention the series to any fan and there will inevitably be some sour grapes. Let us remember Indiana Jones at his best and in his prime, with a whip in one hand and a precious artifact in the other rather than a script rote with hackneyed premises.

THE FRIDGE HAS BEEN NUKED

Yes. Earlier entries in the saga featured faces magically melting, still-beating hearts ripped from chest cavities, and invisible walkways. However, those scenarios didn’t come off as far-fetched. The same can’t be said of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. In this entry, Jones rides out a nuclear blast in a refrigerator (everyone knows that discarded fridges are the Devil‘s suffocation boxes), teams up with monkeys, and encounters aliens. Aliens. That’s just too far-fetched, even for the movie series that features an immortal Knight of the Round Table.

SHIA LaBEOUF

Put. Down. The. Hat.

In an interview with MTV, LaBeouf conveyed that he had talked to Ford recently and that Ford was “staying in the gym” to prepare for the role, so it must be around the corner. Some specious reasoning on Shia’s part, as it’s widely assumed that Lucas hasn’t yet locked down a script. So if Harrison Ford is planning on “staying in the gym” until filming starts, there’s a decent chance he could show up to set looking like a 69 year-old Vin Diesel. Which would be awesome, if only for the comedic value of it all.

Shia hedged his comments by speaking to Lucas’ process, saying “I mean, he’s got to let it sit. He’s going through his ruminations, which is extensive.”

Let’s hope those ruminations get sped up. Not because anyone’s all that excited about another installment, but because poor Harrison is an old man and years of exertion in the gym in anticipation will probably kill him.

Everyone hated the last Indiana Jones so the only rational thing to do is make another one. You know, as like an apology and stuff. The Kiwi (New Zealand) side of Stuff Magazine has the scoop on the Indy 5 plot details that you hoped would never surface: 

The new film will be Ford’s last, and a return to the series’ roots (meaning less state of the art visual effects) after the last entry failed to resonate with fans. (According to a mysterious source) Indy’s going to The Bermuda Triangle: "Indiana Jones 5 will begin shooting next year, and much of the plot line will be centered around the Bermuda Triangle, an area over the North Atlantic Ocean where a number of aircraft are said to have disappeared (and definitely not because of f*cking aliens)."

Stuff goes on to add that, according to their (soooo mysterious) source, "George (Lucas) and Steven (Spielberg) have been working on a script and it’s almost there." They also report that "Harrison is on stand-by for filming next year. This looks like being an emotional and exciting conclusion to the franchise, with Indy facing his biggest challenge yet."

As you can infer by the cited cloaked source, this news is somewhere in between a rumor and a fart in the wind. The only info I gravitated toward was that Harrison Ford is standing-by for filming.

At least cook something! Jeez, Harrison…