Unfortunately, after his divorce from Linda, Hulk went on such a bacchanalian voyage of drinking and lady-banging that he doesn’t remember any of his conquests. He claims that he didn’t sleep with any women after finding his current partner Jennifer five years ago. And you know what? I believe him. I really do.

Oh my God. I’m so excited about this that I’m…I’m…

I’m HULKING OUT!!!!!

Hogan didn’t know he was being filmed and hasn’t consented to the release, so we’ve got quite the soap opera brewing here.

A couple predictions: The “lady” is Brutus the Beefcake, and the sex tape is sensationally awesome. (TMZ)

Appearing on The Wendy Williams Show, which is where I’d go to set the record straight on my sexuality, Hulk Hogan responded to rumors started by his ex-wife Linda that he had a gay affair with Brutus the Beefcake. Hogan declared, “…I don’t get it…if it was true and I was gay, I’d embrace it, and I’d tell you guys about it and I’d celebrate it.”

First of all, it’s refreshing to see a figure from such a bygone, pseudo-masculine era not lash back at rumors he’s gay as if it was a personal attack. Nice work, Hulk Hogan. Score one for the WWE‘s diversity program.

Ok. Now that that’s out of the way, I am extremely curious to see how Hulk Hogan would “celebrate” homosexuality. Bleaching his hair? Garish outfits? A shiny monument of a mustache? I think he’s celebrating it right now. And I love it.

You didn’t? Let me tell you a story that will prove that to you.

In speaking to Digital Spy, Hogan finally got around to telling the world that he had been offered the role of Randy “The Ram” Robinson in Darren Arnofsky’s The Wrestler, but he turned it down. Why?

“When the script for The Wrestler kept coming to me, I said, ‘This movie is so good,” Hogan claims. “If you put me in the film as a wrestler, people are going to say, ‘No credibility, Hulk Hogan isn’t a good actor’—whatever Hollywood thinks of me.”

Hulk puts the good of the film ahead of himself, like a real American.

Of course, Arnofsky has only gone on record as having considered Mickey Rourke, who got the role, and Nicolas Cage for the lead in The Wrestler. He must have his reasons for courting the Hulkster in secret. My money is on “he didn’t want to raise the ire of Hulk-a-maniacs everywhere, because when they hulk out, he could be in for a world of pain.”

This is Screen Junkies’ third Hulk Hogan article in forty days. 2012 is shaping up to be a tremendous year. 

TMZ announced, with TMZ‘s typical understated dignity, that Hulk Hogan is SHAVING HIS MUSTACHE!!!, using only three exclamation points to show that this is serious. Hulk has been known for his handlebar mustache and platinum blonde Dutch boy haircut since the early 80′s, but will be losing both right now for a movie audition. Audition? Someone wants to hear Hulk Hogan read for a role? Like they’re not sure if he’s the right guy for the role? Huh.

Losing his mustache is in no way a reaction to comments by his wife that he had a gay affair with fellow wrestler Brutus the Beefcake. But if I had a gay affair with Brutus the Beefcake that came to light, shaving my mustache would give me the closure necessary to really get back on with my life. I’ve given this some thought.

While Hulk Hogan has always rocked a bit of a strange look, at least it was familiar. Now, we’re going to have to contend with a bald, shorn Hogan, which is just… just a lot to take right now, man.

Well, over the last four days, I did some heavy research on the subject, and came up with the following six films.

The Magic Christmas Tree

As you may have gleaned from the title, the family motion picture The Magic Christmas Tree is about a Christmas tree that talks. And since no Christmas family motion picture would be complete without a happy witch, greedy giant, or runaway lawnmower, they have those too. It also features a thrilling scene where Santa Claus is captured. You’ll want to see that!

Elves

It’s really your classic holiday tale. A girl discovers she’s the focus of an evil Nazi experiment that involves wicked elves and the selective breeding of a race of super-soldiers. One thing leads to another, and she and her friends are locked in the mall with a killer elf. Only Dan Haggerty’s disgraced alcoholic detective turned Mall Santa can put the pieces together and save the day.

Sure, this only pertains to entertainment in the most tangential manner possible (reality television/washed-up orange wrestlers), but when two people as ridiculous as Linda and Hulk Hogan start feuding over a story this stupid, it becomes a page one item.

The Hulkamaniacster is suing his ex-wife for alleging that he had a homosexual relationship with fellow wrestler, Brutus Beefcake. Beefcake’s real name is unimportant.

The blonde wrestler is denying the allegations, and seems to be taking it all in stride, offering (via The Sydney Morning Herald):

“After the four-year crazy divorce I thought I’d heard everything I could hear in the courtroom,” he said.

“Then, all of a sudden she says I abused her, that I was violent. She told everybody that I was a homosexual.”

“If any of that was true, I would admit it, and [if] I was a homosexual I would embrace it.”

Let’s get something straight: If Hulk didn’t have a gay affair with a guy named Brutus Beefcake, someone did. Guys named Brutus Beefcake don’t just go around not having gay affairs with men.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this idea. Hulk Hogan has signed on to play a judge in the kids live-action game show "Hogan’s Court." We’ve seen him lay down the law in Suburban Commando, but sh*t is about to get non-fictional:

The show will feature Hogan presiding over everyday sibling disputes: Is a brother’s sneakers fouling the house? Is a sister spending too much time in the bathroom?

"I am really looking forward to developing such an entertaining series with great production partners," Hogan said in a statement about the game show/reality series now in development. "We want this to be one of those rare shows that kids and their families can watch together, and all find something to laugh about," he added.

It’s not going to be so funny when Judge Hogan sentences little Annie to death by lethal injection for making her brother’s favorite t-shirt "smell like girl." Or God forbid he tries a cooties case. Is a garish former wrestler really suited to make these landmark decisions? I suppose we all have to pay alimony somehow. (THR)